1.	a final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.

2.	a final proposal or statement of conditions.

Yeah, I'm not really sure the people who came up with the title (whether it be for the book or the movie) really understood what the word meant. No demands were made. There was, in fact, much force, but on account of the rejection of demands. And the relations were already severed at the start of the movie. Or even the start of the trilogy.

______________________________________

Beloved woke up at around 7:30 this morning (NOT a natural occurrence!) to find me still awake, blogging my fool heart out. I told him I was toying with going back to bed, since I got up at ***5***, but he said no, we should go to the gym.

Frizzum frazzum.

We went to the gym.

We were home by 10, caffeinated and exercised. We checked the movie times, and went to see the Bourne Ultimatum. I loved it. I am soooo easily entertained, of course I loved it. I love almost any movie. Except comedies. The vast majority of comedies annoy the shit out of me. But if you have pretty people on the screen, and exciting explosions and car chases (or, better yet, tidal waves and other freak natural occurrences), I'm entertained, and I'm happy.

I promise, despite my lack of cinematic standards, I'm a very intelligent girl.

Why we saw a movie today:

I felt a little out of it, from the travel
The girls come home tomorrow, and we will not have a chance, without paying a sitter, to see a movie in some time
We had free passes, from the time we tried to see The Departed, but instead saw the very excellent Pan's Labyrinth. Yeah, it looks like that had been in JANUARY. But the passes didn't expire.
We had been thinking of seeing a movie in either Paris or Amsterdam, but just never had the time. Imagine. On vacation in Europe, and we didn't have the time for a movie.

Then we went for a delicious shawarma, which was very different from the ones we had in Amsterdam, but fantastic in its own right. Then we went to Trader Joe's, so I could stock up on wine, and we could fill the cupboards for the return of our parenthood tomorrow.

So, welcome back to America!

I sort of miss Europe.

Did I mention? Spain is next. Only this time, it's with the kids.

Well, unless, of course, we run off to Amsterdam over the holidays while the girls are with their father, for a little frolic of holiday shopping and floaty romance.

Labels: europe, movies, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 4:46 PM 0 comments

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Truly, the last post

The girls called tonight. They're okay (of course). X did make some improvements to their bedroom ... or rather "X is making some improvements to their bedroom." J couldn't go to bed yet, even though her voice sounded like sandpaper, b/c he was still trying to put some furniture together in their room at 10:15 this evening. But he's making an effort, and I know that they notice. This is good for them.

It's good to hear their voices. I avoided telling them that I was sweeping and vacuuming their room in order to get remnants of them OUT and the trappings of BarBri and PMBR in.

They miss us a lot, and it results in them wanting to just park their butts on the phone. I hate cutting them off, but at the same time, they need to live their lives there. They need to be with their father. They need to not hold on so tight to this part of their lives, to the exclusion of the other.

I hate knowing that E has 1,000,000 things going on in her head that she doesn't share, and I feel like I'm being over-scrutinized when I tell her that it's time to say goodnight. That perhaps she's thinking, "oh, mom is glad we're gone, she can't wait to spend her time doing other things." When really, that's not true. I mean, yeah, I have to study, but I'd always rather have them here than not. She asked, though, if she can chat with me on google talk tomorrow, and I told her we'd be out for most the day (Shoes! Movies!) and she was a little disappointed.

I know ... she'll survive. She knows how much we love her, and she knows how much of our lives we dedicate to her and her sister's happiness and well being.

I know.

Labels: divorce, kids, parenting, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 1:24 AM 0 comments

Friday, July 06, 2007

Skins, Kids and Books

I just downloaded a new skin for my updated Firefox - I'm not sure I like it. It's green. I think it will likely match my blog layout, but I don't tend to spend much time reading my own blog, and it doesn't match much else.

The girls are gone. They got on the plane this a.m. J was very emotional and tearful last night, and was more "depressed" (not in the clinical sense, in the quiet and withdrawn sense) this morning. E was being stoic last night. She was spending time in her room, preparing. She packed a lot more personal stuff than she usually does, and declared that she will NOT be living out of her suitcase this summer, and that if X did not get them a dresser, she will insist on some sort of dresser-like arrangement so she can actually move in this time.

Poor kid.

X called at 8:30 - he had them in hand and said they were happy, smiling and excited. It is the transition that bothers them the most - not the fact of their father, I think. They do have true complaints about how they spend their time and how he acts toward them, but while the transition period makes them say they would NEVER want to go there, I don't think that's the real truth. I think they do want to be there. It's just hard.

I came home and napped. This was the plan:

Sleep from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Go to the gym from 10:30 a.m. to Noon
Shower, start working at 1:00
Leave home at 4:30 to to go the evening class of Corporations II

This is what actually happened:
Sleep from 7:30 a.m. to 12:30
Shower
Email/blog/make coffee set up until 1:30
Starting working at 1:30.

Huh. I guess that the sleep I got from 1:30 to 4:00 a.m. just wasn't enough.

Now it's time. Now I crunch. What usually serves the purpose of the family calendar will become the bar calendar - a dry-erase month-at-a-glance ... with subjects and questions and essays written in rather than birthday parties and picnics and school assignments.

I'm less nervous now than I was in June, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. I definitely have a lot to cram into my head, and I am definitely not in passing range yet. I suppose I trust my ability to learn, but this is definitely time to dig in deep for my ability to persevere and NOT procrastinate.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, parenting, summer

posted by Zuska @ 1:20 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Damn that backbone!

E and J went to the town pool today. They're really getting their exercise in this summer: swimming every day, and on days that aren't as hot as today was - biking through our park and to other parks. It's been great for them. I'm very happy with their activity levels.

Today, they went to the pool, and found that it was free, because it was over 90 degrees, and because it's the "start of summer," the swim hours were extended. One of E's closest friends was there with her mom, and they hung out for a while. Both the girls told me, separately, "S was at the pool." They told me that they played and stuff. That was it.

E had gotten a call from another friend, and went with her to see the Nancy Drew movie. While she was gone, S, the friend who was at the pool, called her. When E got home, we passed the message along, and she demanded, "What did she say?" Well, nothing. So E called her back.

Now, E doesn't have the best phone manners. I remind her every time she dials, "Hello, this is E, can I speak with ____, please?" But sometimes she gets distracted, and when the person answers, she says, "Uh, Yeah. Is ___ there?" She did that today. Then she said, "you called?!" sort of snappish. But E gets snappish just b/c she's not paying attention - not because she's grouchy or trying to be mean. So as in similar situations, I remind her, "E, be polite." And she left the room with the phone, but not quickly enough for me not to hear her say, "yeah, I'm sorry, too."

I asked J, "Did E and S get in a fight?" Yep.

So how can both the girls tell me about seeing S, and her mom (a close friend of mine), and talk about playing together and NOT tell me that an argument ensued? How?

I asked E what the fight was about. "nothing." She was being VERY tight lipped. Very. So without thinking, I said, "J, what did they fight about?" J looked at me with big round eyes, dramatically sealed her lips shut, and turned back to what she was doing. I laughed and told her she did the right thing.

But damn! I wanted to know what happened!!

So on the way to the concert in the park, I persisted with the needling at E, trying to break down her resolve to secrecy.

Didn't work. I did probe, and I did needle. She said to me, "Mom! I'm not telling you. Not ever. I will not tell you because the argument was NOT between me, S, and YOU, it was just between ME and S. That's it!"

I told her she was clever, and she was strong, and that I'd leave her alone.

My friend (S's mom) was at the concert, and she didn't know what the fight was about, either, she was just happy they made up and apologized.

So, I will honor my daughter and her maturity. I will honor her boundaries.

And stop needling her.

But geez ... what did they fight about???

Labels: *E*, friendship, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 9:33 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Contracts All Done

3 days of contracts came to a close today. I liked our professor. I saw others complaining about the contract lecturer - but I'm not sure I had the same dude. My dude was relatively funny, and made the 10 hours approachable and sensible. And I liked his Texas accent.

I'm not looking forward to 2 days of 4+ hours of torts ... especially now that the kidlets are out of school (and therefore after-school care) and I have to worry if they're doing alright.

After class today, I wrote checks for over $900 so that next year, the kids again have after-school care. Even though E's one of the few entering 6th grade who will continue after-school care. Others are starting to just head home on their own. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. She probably is (or thinks she is). I'm just not. I need to see how she does once she's a 6th grader. It helps that 1) Beloved is home 2 out of 5 afternoons per week because it allows for a supervised transition; and 2) Beloved works right down the street in a (relatively) relaxed establishment ... so if problems arise, we aren't hoping I can run the 13 blocks to the T station and catch a train ASAP to handle it. He can be the first # on speed dial (yeah, she'll likely have a phone).

Then I went to the school to pick up J and a friend, and we went for ice cream and a movie.
there wasn't much about contracts in the movie.

So yeah, now I'm even further behind.

Oh well. I'll condense my notes after dinner. All 3 days' worth.

Labels: bar prep, kids, movies, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 6:51 PM 5 comments

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Fattism (that's 2 t's, thank you very much)

Housewife posted about her concern that obese people may be on the way to becoming a protected class. I will overlook the fact that she clearly hasn't been steeped in Supreme Court decisions for the past 3 years, and therefore is not aware that the last thing that's about to come about in this great nation is the formation of another "protected class," and skip straight to my opinion(s) on whether or not people who are obese should be hated for it. Or blamed for it. Or told that it's just because they "are too lazy, stupid, etc, to put their fucking fork down" (this remark can be found in the comments to Housewife's post, and was not written by Housewife herself).

This topic is one that I am naturally interested in, as I'm in the midst of a journey between "fat person" (for me), now at "relatively normal person" and hopefully on the way to "thin person."

What does this mean about where I stand on the issue? Do I think that people who are fat deserve every bit of nastiness they get from the likes of this Ahab character (again, in the comments - I'm really not up for linking directly to his blog), because of their laziness -- after all -- look at me. I'm exercising, I'm eating healthy and I'm seeing results. Why can't they?

Or does it make me sympathetic?

Well, I think it's horrible to make an assumption that because one person can be a certain weight, and has a certain reaction to a specific exercise regime must mean that any other person has to do nothing but the same things, and will be the same weight. It's just not true.

I come from a chubby (putting it mildly) family. I have an aunt who is 5'2" and 350 pounds. I have an uncle who is 6'6" and is likely 400+ (gosh, maybe 500, once you figure in how tall he is). I have a brother who is 6'5" and who I just found out had been just over 300 pounds (but is now 240, and that is his ideal/goal weight -- he's rather broad in the shoulders. A bit impressive, physically). Both of my parents are officially "obese." My mother has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, as was her mother before her (before she died at 62 of cancer).

I have struggled with my weight since I was in college, at least. I was always a stick as a kid, puberty brought curves (real curves ... not fat ... yet), and the freshman 15 was fought for a few years. There were a few times where I bit the bullet and did the work necessary to get me to where I wanted to be. This time has by far been the hardest.

Right now, and in the past, I am prioritizing weight loss. In January, when I first decided that I was going to pursue this as my latest goal (figuring that if I can go through law school, I can lose some weight), I started with my diet. I cut down to 1100 calories a day, after doing one of those little calculators to find out what my baseline was, and blah blah blah. I was very strict, counting every calorie and watching every single thing I put in my mouth. It was 20 degrees below zero here for most of January and February, and I have found that my cold-weather-running limit is approx 18 degrees ABOVE zero. So I was not running. I was not going to the gym, because I've got this thing called a family .... I like them and they like me and therefore, we like to spend time with each other.

3 months of this, and I lost 4 pounds. FOUR. I had seriously put my fucking fork DOWN.

And while it's true that I wasn't running every day - it must be remembered - we don't have a car! We are not sedentary people. We walk everywhere. I bike to/from school. Anywhere I go requires me to get off my lazy, fat ass and get myself there via my own feet.

When I started school, gym time was factored into how I set my schedule, and I spent at least 2 hours a day in the gym (I think it was more like 2.5-3 when you factored in the shower). Per day. I continued to be more than careful about my intake. Driving Beloved crazy with the parameters I was setting, as they affected his cooking choices.

For the first 6 weeks of this daily exercise, I had lost less than 10 pounds. Including the 4 from Jan-March.

I put my fucking fork down. I got off my lazy ass. And yet, I was hovering at 190 pounds, still a size 16, and feeling very frustrated.

I can understand how working so hard (or even not as hard as I was) and having zero results would make someone think that it just doesn't work - that they can't lose the weight, and that they are destined to just be fat. I mean, geez, how much do you hear that all someone has to do is eat less, eat healthy, and exercise. We even hear that all you have to do is go for a walk. Just do "something." Just "get out there and move" to quote Housewife herself on this earlier post of mine.

Getting out there and moving, alone, for me means very little. It does not make me thin - to say the least. Walking quickly for 30-45 minutes a day and riding my bike for 40 minutes a day does NOTHING. Cutting my calorie intake by approximately 400 calories a day (because I wasn't eating poorly pre-January) did NOTHING.

And sure, the fucking fork guy will likely rant and rave about how I got fat in the first place. Between the paragraph up there with my family history and statistics, coupled with a stress fracture, a sprained foot (that bothers me to this day), single motherhood and then law school ... I've got my reasons.

Every time I have been my ideal weight, I have had to make it one of the HIGHEST priorities in my life. 2-3 hours of my time is required per DAY. Once I get where I want to be, it will take less to maintain, but if I lose the gusto, then I lose the drive, and before I know it - without changing eating habits and without eating like a pig (we don't drink soda, we don't eat chips, we don't do fast food, we don't eat candy (save the occasional deluxe chocolate) we cut out high-fructose corn syrup for New Years in 2005, and haven't brought foods with that ingredient into the house since then, we eat lean meats, we eat organic fruits and veggies).

Does everyone who looks chubby have to defend themselves by listing their diet? Is that the alternative to this "fattism" question?

And then - what about our kids? I have already struggled with the fact that I live with two young girls. They know I am exercising. They have commented on the change in my appearance. When we go out and E wants a snack and I casually say, "I don't want ice cream, let's pick something else" and she says "why NOT?" in a knowing tone - I feel like I'm really screwing her up. I try very hard to keep the conversation centered on "health" rather than "skinny" - but it's hard, and they're not stupid.

Where also is the balance between accepting yourself for who you are? You eat healthy, you exercise a reasonable amount (which is less than 3 hours a day), and yet, people look at you and say "she's the reason I don't want national health care"? I can't accept that. I can't be that person walking around and sneered at (although I don't think I really was 25 pounds ago).

The attention that weight gets sucks. Whether it's hating people for being fat, or if it's telling people that the ideal is 5'10 and 110 pounds through the inundation of the media (like the bathing suit I saw in the Eddie Bauer catalogue the other day that looked nice on the size 6 model, and stunned me when I looked and saw it was only available in sizes 16W-18W -- they must have had one custom-made for the model).

I do not, however, hold any bitterness toward the person who is working from 8-5 and rushing to pick up her kids from day care and who potentially can't afford to shop at Whole Foods, and who does stop at the drive through window at McDonald's because a Happy Meal costs $1.99 (or whatever they cost these days) while cooking a decent meal costs at least $30, and who can't afford to join a gym, and who can't leave her kids alone to go running at 5 a.m. (whether it's because she doesn't have a husband, because her husband won't watch the kids, or because her husband got up at 4 to work the early shift so they can pay the rent this month).

Nor do I hold bitterness toward the person who decided that it was time to try and lose weight, and after one month of walking/running/biking and eating "healthy" had zero results and thought, "Jeez, "they" said that if I did this stuff, I would lose weight, but I'm not losing weight, and so I perhaps something is wrong with me."

I do, however, hold bitterness toward those who rant and rave about bans on trans fats. This culture has embraced shitty foods for so long, and then belittles those who are prone to suffering the negative effects, and if the culture can start to turn things around by saying, "hey! this is shitty food!" that is a good thing.

And, if you haven't figured it out yet, I hold a lot of bitterness toward people who find it appropriate to spew hate, assumptions and names at people just because they aren't the size that was chosen as "acceptable" by the speaker (yeah, that commenter again).

And I respect Housewife for her ability to mull over an issue and backpedal, if that's what reason and good sense requires :)

Labels: body image, exercise, hatefulness, obesity, parenting, weight loss

posted by Zuska @ 7:38 PM 9 comments

Things Adults Are Made Of: Alarm Clocks

My desire to be fit and to keep up with my exercise routines posed a bit of a conundrum for the mornings: I had been waking E at 6:30, and Beloved had been getting up at 7 and waking up J (I usually hopped back into bed once I got E into the shower, and dozed until Beloved's alarm went off). The bar class and the end of the law-school routine meant that if I wanted to go running in the a.m., I'd have to be back to wake E up at 6:30. Beloved and I talked about getting her an alarm clock, but it seemed so ... unreliable. She's just a kid. It would be so easy for her to just turn it off and go back to sleep, and it just didn't seem like something we could trust. We did decide, though, that it wouldn't hurt to try.

But I kept forgetting to buy one for her. So Beloved (the King that he is) started setting HIS alarm for 6:30 so that he could wake her, and I could leave at 5:45 for my run.

Finally, last week, I got her an alarm clock. I sent her off with the instructions to read and to set it up. She did a pretty good job - except didn't have the a.m./p.m. right, so the alarm would have gone off the next evening at 6:30 p.m. But that's exactly why I checked it.

Another funny: She came out saying, "Hey mom, what's a "tuner"? It's one of the choices for the alarm, but I don't understand." The child has an amazing vocabulary - this wasn't a vocab issue. The issue is that she has never really listened to the radio. We don't really listen to the radio. How strange. I grew up with the radio (KC101 out of Hartford/New Haven, to be precise), and so did Beloved. But now --- we listen to XM in the Zipcars and to iPods (and before that, CDs) at home. When we were in Berkeley I listened to the radio some, but only in the car, and she was always in the back seat strapped into her carseat.

It struck me as funny that at almost 11 years of age, she didn't know what a "tuner" is.

Anyway - guess what? The alarm has worked great! The first day, she had it set way too loud, and wasn't sure how to turn it off. To be yanked out of sleep with the thing blaring like that was difficult, and it made J start to cry, and then E went running to sleeping Beloved a little frantic "I can't turn it off! I can't turn it off!" But we adjusted the volume, and now it's going really well.

This morning I asked her why she was running behind, and she said, "well, I don't know. When I left my room, it was 6:31, and I set the timer for my shower for 15 minutes, but when I got back to my room, it was 6:51. So I'm running behind." Her talking about time with such precision made me giggle.

To me, it's another step of independence for her. Honestly, I love this. I am just not one of those moms who sobs as my kids grow up and develop new skills. I'm excited for them. I'm excited to see who they're turning into ... especially since so far, so good :)

Labels: *E*, kids, morning routines, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 3:28 PM 1 comments

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

No Time to Post

I don't bring my computer to bar class, which is definitely a good thing. In the afternoons, I only ocassionally need/use the computer, and find myself doing little other than keeping up with e-mail.

Also ... I don't have anything to say. "I studied for the bar exam today" gets a little boring. I'm not keeping up with much news; I'm not talking much with friends; I'm not thinking much about anything but the damned bar exam.

Well, other than the kids, but I fear that gets boring, too.

The girls' school had a picnic last night. J had a meltdown on the way out, and it sort of colored the whole otherwise-pleasant evening. She even made a spectical of herself. Friends were running over to her to talk, and then shyly stepping away backward as they saw her face all twisted and smeared with tears. I'm not really blaming myself for not giving the usual "ten minute warning," although I sort of am. She just crumbled so quickly, I know that she had to go. She wouldn't have crumbled like that if she were in a normal frame of mind. She (and her sister) had been RUNNING from 5:30 until I went to fetch her at 7:40. It was a giant water fight.

I am only a tiny bit behind in the Bar-Bri paced program, which I see as a major accomplishment, considering how much non-Zuska stuff has been going on in the house. I am 2 essays behind and I have 1/2 day of notes to condense that I didn't get to. Maybe I'll get to it tonight. Problem being that after getting up at 5:30 for a run; getting hte kids out the door; sitting through bar class; rushing home to get my stuff and go to the library; studying for 4 hours; ushering kids home; eating dinner; getting kids to bed .... I feel done for the day. Which is a little worrisome when I look ahead to the schedule I hope to maintain while working full time. Hopefully the crushing stress that I have been feeling a la the MA Board of Bar Examiners is a lot more intense than day-to-day will be at Future Firm.

Tonight my assignment includes my first essay to hand in for a grade. I'm a little nervous, b/c I haven't gone through the Massachusetts-specific stuff on ANY of the subjects and put it on notecards yet. So I'm sure I can write an essay according to MBE material, but not so much for my state. Oops. I also wish I knew what the topic was going to be. I guess I could peek, but that would be cheating.

Labels: *J*, bar prep, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 7:57 AM 0 comments

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Plays and Puberty

J had a play this weekend. My mom came into town to see it, and Beloved and I went twice. E was going to come last night and miss today (due to the final softball game of the year), but then she ended up going to see Pirates 3 with friends last night, and so she left 1/2 way through her softball game today.

After school on Friday, E was picked up by a friend and went straight to a birthday party which was a sleepover. She was home for a few hours on Saturday, but then went to the movies with 3 other friends. She was dropped off at the site of J's play, and we left from there to a dessert restaurant, and were not home until 9:30. Today, E had cello and softball and then J's play.

So when friends asked us to go to dinner iwth them, I took into account my own exhaustion (see all that up there? Add in 4 hours of bar study per day and very early a.m. wake ups in order to fit it all in) as well as E's increasing grumpiness when I said no. J had tears initially, but by the time we walked home, we'd all come to terms iwth the fact that the best decision was definitely to come home.

Until.

J's friend called again to see if maybe, please, could just J have dinner with them? Beloved and I had a powow, and decided yes, just J *could* have dinner with them.

E cried. It's not fair. I love J better, b/c she's the youngest. I overcompensate J for being the youngest, thinking E gets everything, but instead giving J everything. Why did I buy J flowers for her play? I must love her better. Life is so unfair. Why do I keep telling E she is grouchy and overtired when she is not, it's not her, it's ME (i.e., MOM) who is the problem .... blah blah blah.

I went to give her a hug, and after holding her on my lap for a minute, forcefully told her she had to get in the shower NOW. I immediately, upon hearing the water turn on, went to the internet, and found what I was looking for:

As you enter puberty, the puberty hormones affect the glands that are under your arms and cause you to have "body odor." This is normal and everybody gets it, it can be more intense for some teens, and often you are just unlucky if you have a problem with body odor, but check out that link.

and then:

Many teens DO sweat more when they are growing or while their hormones are still fluctuating.

Phew. But then, the very next paragraph?

Hormones are also responsible for the emotional changes that take place during puberty. You may feel confused, have emotional outbursts, feel sad, or have strong emotions or mood that change quickly. You might be overly sensitive or easily lose your temper. There are those crazy hormones working on you again.

Yeah, no shit.

Labels: *E*, *J*, parenting, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

Overload

On Friday evening, some things sort of exploded on me. In retrospect, they weren't big things, but at the time, they felt like that proverbial straw, and I thought for certain that I was going to crumble into shards of spine and such on the sidewalk between my house and the soccer field. I was having these odd fantasies of me either crumbling into a giant puddle of tears, or igniting into a mass of yelling and screaming nonsense. As I walked,* however, I thought things through, and this is what I told myself:

Zuska, the reason you are in this situation at all, is because you CAN do it. You wouldn't be here if you couldn't do it. You wouldn't have survived being a single mother; you wouldn't have survived law school while raising two girls; you wouldn't have left a bad marriage; you wouldn't have worked through the growing pains with Beloved. You have come this far because you are capable, and you are strong, and you've lived through and balanced and juggled a lot of crap before, and you can keep doing it. That is who Zuska is.

I think it worked. I did slightly jump on J, more than I wanted to after that pep talk, and potentially more than she deserved. I apologized after, let her know what bothered me about her and my own behavior, and then enjoyed a nice dinner at a fun restaurant/Irish pub with her and Beloved.

I'm trying to keep my perspective as I realize that this bar exam is more than I think I bargained for. I spent a good bit of last week realizing that it's much harder than I thought it would be - keeping up with my mom persona while having these study requirements pile up. Hopefully Friday was the tipping point for this phase. The point where I had to confront the reality and find a balance that doesn't push anything too far away. The girls are out of school in a week and a half, though, and I think I'll have another crisis point then. I'll need to readjust the juggling, and their transition issues will be a bit more acute (with the tears and the complaints about leaving for a month or so). I also will have 3 afternoons a week with no childcare. It's only for a week and a half, though, so I should be able to work it out.

* We are a car-less family, as I've stated before. While sometimes it feels old and tiring and inconvenient, we have many more times that we appreciate the sort of life we've chosen. E told me today that when she was walking across town with a group of friends earlier in the weekend, her friends complained that "their feet hurt" and "their legs were tired" pretty quickly into their excursion, whereas she and another friend whose family has chosen the Zipcar/public transit/bicycle/walking lifestyle were still happy to run and skip and were far from winded. I also was thinking of the times that E and I are at her softball field and friends offer rides home -- every time, before I can open my mouth, E tells the friends "thanks, but we're going to walk." She likes to use the time to decompress and to chat. Our walks do provide that for us - we spend a lot of time talking about what we're heading to, where we're coming from, and what happened in our days -- all while walking. I think this story - about how upset I was and how the walk helped to diffuse my stress and upsetedness - is along the same vein. I know that I was cursing the 10 minute walk at the time, but I was also thinking of how dangerous it could be for me to be driving in that rushed state. Wanting to make every green light, feeling impatient at cars in front of me that didn't dash across the intersection the moment the light changed, etc.

I like being a walker, and I love that my kids are walkers.

Labels: bar prep, chaos, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 8:40 PM 0 comments

Thursday, June 07, 2007

no organization, here

Today, I am tired. Very tired.

J had a concert last night, and we got home after 8 p.m. I had stayed at the library working on Bar tasks until 6:40, when I took the 30 foot walk from the library to the kids' school where Beloved was saving me a seat. When we got home, he made me a delicious dinner, which we ate at 9 p.m., which is very late for us. We don't usually eat that late. The girls had eaten before, though. J before her concert, and E before softball. Beloved actually went and bought her a burrito and dropped it off at the school for her - she had gone on a trip with her after school group - but then she ended up eating with the family that was shuttling her to softball (b/c we had J's concert).

Bar Prep went well enough. I got over my crises of Monday eve/Tuesday a.m., and I'm just plodding along.

The girls have an audition today for a performance, and so they're coming home early, and I'm going to work at home, and then I have to take them to their audition. So I don't think that I'm going to be as productive as I was yesterday and the day before.

I told the girls that tonight, they're going to bed early tonight. They're tired. Then I told Beloved that our bed time for today is 10 p.m. No questions asked.

My mom is coming this weekend, because J is in a play, and she's gonna help me out with the house some.

Tomorrow I'm doing double-duty lectures for the bar. I have my regularly scheduled Con Law II, and then I'm running around the corner to another law school to sit in on the live class for Trusts. My video location gets Trusts next Friday, but I am going to be on a boat. In the Bay. With my daughter and her class.

I anticipate a 9 p.m. bedtime tomorrow night. Oh, the wild Friday nights of Zuska.

Labels: bar prep, kids, parenting, studying

posted by Zuska @ 7:56 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Bar Exam Crisis of Confidence (yes, already)

Over the weekend, I obnoxiously gloated over getting 84% correct on my first set of practice questions.

Last night, I spent time doing assigned practice MBE questions, and received approximately 67% correct, and was disappointed at the decrease, but knew it was in line with what they said to expect now. But then I noticed they said to do the "Intermediate" questions, and I had done the "Introductory." Oh, crap. I decided to do the Intermediate, so I was on track, and didn't fall behind.

Oh. My. God. I got 7 right. Out of 18.

I am going to fail.

F.A.I.L.

I was very upset about it.

Then I argued with Beloved. Or, he argued with me. Or something. I don't care if I'm delicate right now, after the weekend realization of the accumulation of the stress, and then the very bad grades, and the girls freaking out over their summer travels (each have had a night of tears over strife with their father and their desire to just stay home for the summer) ... that is NOT why we argued. We argued b/c he was mean to me. And I didn't feel like forgiving him, b/c I realized that his attitude that resulted in a snappish retort was also the attitude that resulted in a previous blank stare, which I had chosen, 10 minutes prior, to read as his being worried about me on account of my poor performance on the practice Qs, and when I realized that my assumptions about the look he gave me was so off the mark, that it was really a blank stare of irritation and really resulted from an utter lack of desire for me to open my mouth and make sounds in his general direction, well, I was upset. Very. And I had many flashbacks from my previous life, and I started to hate myself a wee bit. On account of the irritatingness of me, and the bad scores and wrong answers, and the miserable kids, and and and.

Needless to say, I did NOT get a good night's sleep.

_____________________

This afternoon, after I was released from the excruciating pain of Evidence II [which likely would be less painful if it wasn't going to be followed by Evidence III], I got on the T, stopped on the way home at a store that one of J's bday presents was purchased at in order to exchange a duplicate, came home, took my stupid hand-outs/outline book out of my bag, and put IN the stupid CONVISER bullshit, the practice questions book, my notebook with my crim notes (the questions I so horribly bombed), my birth certificate, my divorce judgment, my old passport with my old (married) last name, and went to the local pharmacy/everything-store to get a passport photo taken, and to buy note cards. I found these really cute index card organizers, which are small, but have little dividers and little stickers. I bought 2. They're so cute. I love them. They make me feel organized and like I'm on the way to becoming intelligent.

Then I picked up a couple rolls of tuna sushi, b/c I hadn't eaten anything but a nectarine all damned day, and I thought it would be better than Friday's meal replacement (peanut M&Ms ... not a good thing).

Then I went to the Town Hall, checkbook in hand, prepared to hand over $120 instead of $60, b/c I am a slacker. Queen slacker, to you, thank you very much. I had been at the town hall in NOVEMBER and got an application for my passport, b/c Beloved and I had considered getting married in Canada, and passport rules were changing. I even had my picture taken.

I just never went back. Even though the Town Hall opens at 8 a.m., and I had ample time all spring. It just always felt like I had time, and that it would be okay.

Now it's June 5, and we are leaving for France (which is, by the way, a different country) on July 28. We will then go from France to The Netherlands, and I will likely need a passport for that.

June 5 to July 28 ... less than 60 days.

It's all very irritating.

My passport isn't even EXPIRED, it just has the wrong damned name on it.

The woman tried to tell me that I needed my driver's license, b/c it wasn't a renewal, but rather a new passport. I told her "no it's not a new passport ... why do you need my driver's license? you're holding my passport!" She said, "uh huh, name changes are new passports, unless it's within a year of the name change, and yours is dated 2004." I said, "I was here a few months ago, and I was told it was a renewal. Can you please double check?" [I was not mean, although my meanness was just beneath my skin. Just like it was with the passport photo person who was rude and obnoxious and took it out on me that her manager likely broke the damned law by going and getting her from her lunch break to take my picture b/c the manager couldn't figure out how to turn a camera on; and just like it was with the woman in the toy store where I exchanged J's gift, b/c she insisted on taking every tiny piece of information she could think of from me before she'd exchange the damned toy]

She called the Passport Gods who told her that she was dumb, and I was smart. I wish they were on the Board of Bar Examiners. They wouldn't have given me THIRTY PERCENT.

Finally, at 2:40, I went to the library with my mound of books. I staked out a table, and then went to the children's room to find E and her friends, whose parents I told I would be an adult presence for while they're working out how to spread their 5th grade little wings. They were being good.

I then commenced note card creation. I got through crim LAW, but not crim PRO in 2 hours. Damn. We may call it 1.5 hours, since E came upstairs for snack money a couple times, and her friend's mom called, and then came by. But it was still slow going.

And I didn't even bring my computer. I did nothing but work (and mother).

Tonight, I'm supposed to do the following:

make cards for crim pro
read Con Law I (which is dumb ... we don't even do that until THURSDAY)
do 52 Qs in crim (the other 1/2 of last night's, plus tonight's)
condense today's notes from Evidence II
jump off a bridge

Bar prep is proving stressful already. I'm not happy. Still.

Labels: bar prep, beloved, parenting, stress, travel, whining

posted by Zuska @ 5:53 PM 2 comments

Friday, June 01, 2007

Calgon? Is that stuff even on the market anymore?

I was thinking, "I'm gonna call my friend J, and whine about how stressed I am." Then I thought, "Beloved's gonna call soon, I'm gonna whine to him about how stressed I am." Then I considered calling my mom, and whining to HER about how stressed I am. Then I thought, "why? I have a blog [for who knows how much longer], I'll whine to it about how stressed I am."

[quick aside: I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more than anything else in the world. I like the smell of skunks. I hate the smell of cologne ... but I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more. So when a collection of boys gather right outside my window and smoke like 17 packs of cigarettes, blowing their nasty-ass smoke into my general direction, I get pissy. I am just that pissy right NOW. At the same time, it gave me an excuse to close the windows and turn on the a/c, which I think was a good thing, since I just went into the bathroom and found two rather round and well-formed droplets of sweat on my face.]

I shouldn't get to complain, b/c despite my stress, I just found 20 minutes to sit at a friend's kitchen table and guzzle a glass of wine while hearing a very brief synopsis of relationship history.

But I am complaining anyway.

5:50 a.m.: Wake up; run around reservoir.
7:00 a.m.: Walk in front door, check on E's morning routine progress; usher kids toward proper clothing and breakfast consumption.
7:30 a.m.: sign a flurry of school notices due to be returned TODAY, or else children will shatter, crack, and likely die.
7:45 a.m.: say bye to children.
7:45:05 a.m.: get in shower
8:14 a.m.: Smile at myself in the mirror in my new [smaller] skirt and cute shoes.
8:25 a.m.: Leave for BarBri
9:10 a.m.: Arrive at BarBri; commence guilty feelings for not finishing the condensing of my notes last night; listen in dread to the lists of tasks completed by my classmates while i was attending "Fun Night" at the kids' elementary school, and helping J with her latest school project, due next Weds., but creating stress now.
9:30 a.m.: Watch video about the torture that will be the MBE Exam.
10:00 a.m.: Think, "Oh my God, I cannot listen to Professor [??] Kaufman talk about Agency and Partnership for more than 3 minutes, b/c his voice and mannerisms are going to make my brain detach from my spinal cord ... or something.
10:10 a.m.: Find myself laughing at Professor Kaufman, and realize that his "performance" is clearly calculated to create triggers in our pathetic brains.
1:10 p.m.: Run out of class to the T station where I am forced to wait until
1:30 p.m.: Get on Train
1:50 p.m.: Arrive in parking garage where zipcar is parked; freak out because parking pass thingy is not in car where it's supposed to be, and I cannot get out of the garage b/c I don't have an entry ticket, b/c I came on foot, and paying for parking without an entry ticket will likely cost upwards of $400 [the monthly fee].
1:52 p.m.: Call Zipcar and think about how utterly helpless they are, try to remember how helpful they were on Monday, wonder why they say, "well, if no one there can help you, call us back" - why? Why not just do whatever it is you would do if I called you back NOW??
1:53 p.m.: Leave garage after pushing "help" button and asking the man to lift the gate. [yeah, that was hard. I'm a dork. As we all know.]
2:03 p.m.: Arrive at public library, 30 feet from elementary school, figure out how to put top down on the Mini named Mim; realize it's too fucking hot for the top to be down, and that I wasted $2/hour on a fancy-pants car when all I really want is a/c.
2:04 p.m.: See E, call her to the car.
2:07 p.m.: Get home, call store to see if shirts are in; make list of items to purchase for tomorrow's bday party.
2:14 p.m.: Leave house.
2:30 p.m.: Arrive at Target, realizing that I have eaten nothing but 2 golf-ball sized nectarines and 20 cherries all day. Realize that I have a headache. Realize that I may pass out.
2:45 p.m. Call other mom who's doing this bday party; run choices by her; get new assignments of things to purchase.
2:55 p.m.: Tell E "sure, go ahead and grab a bag of Peanut M&M's"
3:15 p.m.: Get back in car, having all necessary items (except plain M&Ms, meant for the party, but Target ran out, b/c M&Ms were "buy one get one free"), decide to take E to an art store to get a bday gift for her friend's party which is on Sunday, and to stop at Starbucks for a caffeine-free Frappucino for her, and a venti icey non-fat sugar-less coffee for me.
3:25 p.m.: Realize that I'd eaten entirely too many peanut M&Ms.
3:45 p.m.: Feel a sense of pride at speedy errands as I checked out at the art store and wondered if there's still time for a Stop & Shop run to get ingredients for cookies which I Promised 9 year old's I'd make with them tonight during sleep over extravaganza.
4:15 p.m.: Arrive at home; drop off Target bags and E; look up cookie recipes; make list.
4:30 p.m.: Drop off Zipcar; walk to Stop & Shop; call dr.'s office on the way to make appointments for girls' annual physicals.
4:50 p.m.: Call E, tell her I'm on my way home, and that she needs to do her cello practice; clean her room, and pack her overnight bag so I can drop her off at her friend's house on my way to meet J at soccer where J will be dropped off after acting class, because I need to bring J her cleats, etc.
4:53 p.m.: Receive phone call from E's friend's mom [potential new friend] who wants to "stop by" b/c she's driving past the house and she'll just wait for E while E packs bag. I freak out, tell Potential New Friend that my home is not fit for Human Viewing, and that she cannot come to my house, that I will bring E to her .... later. Potential New Friend informs me that i am, in fact, a freak, and now she wants to be my friend even more. he he he.
5:00 p.m.: Arrive home, scurry around the house picking up, putting away eggs [yes, in that order], coaching E through cello practice; making phone calls re: thunder and lightning and their potential effect on soccer practice and alternate plans for J, who can't be dropped off at home while I'm dropping off E.
5:20 p.m.: Leave house with E.
5:30 p.m.: Arrive at Potential New Friend's House. She pours me a glass of wine. I sit. After sitting for literally 4 minutes, cell phone rings with Alternate Plan Mom [also co-bday party mom] saying, "Can I bring the 9 year olds to your house now?" I somehow put her off for "ten minutes"
5:45 p.m.: Finally leave New Friend's house; practically jog (still in pretty new smaller skirt) to my own house, calling Other Mom saying, "okay!! Bring them over now!" Just hoping that I'll get there before her so I don't have to tell her that I chose to sit and have a glass of wine instead of meeting her at my house 15 minutes ago.
6:00 p.m.: 9 year olds get dropped off. I clean a little, e-mail a little, sweat a little, smell a little cigarette smoke, usher 9 year olds and their damned recorders into the bedroom and close the door, and eventually kick them outside once thunder and lightning are gone and sun is back so they can kick the soccer ball.
6:15 p.m. I write this post.

I still have to do a lot. Beloved's at the store (after work) getting stuff for veggie nachos (veggie in honor of our Kosher 9 year old friend, b/c she can't have the meat and cheese together, and I'd rather give up the meat than the cheese ... although I'd also like meat. I guess Beloved could have cooked it up separate, and just sprinkled it on MY nachos. Damn. I wonder if he'll think of that? This is the kind of thing that he always thinks of. I sit here thinking, "oh, too bad I didn't tell him that," and then he comes home with the same thing in mind, and I gush over how wonderful he is, and how we were clearly made for each other, and that he is truly my soul mate, b/c he read my mind, and made my life perfect.)

I have to make cookies. And I have to make a play list. And I wish I saved this cute new skirt for tomorrow at the party ... but I did not.

Uh, Blogger's having an outage in 2 minutes. I better publish this, and go clean more.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, beloved, birthdays, chaos, friends, housework, parenting, rain, soccer, studies, weather, weekends, whining, zipcar, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 6:26 PM 3 comments

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

End of the Break

This 10 days "off" has felt, for the most part, like anything but. I have been so busy and stressed and life has been so full and chaotic.

Today, on my final day before BarBri starts, I slept until 10:30, then slowly got up and dressed for the day, had some coffee, my requisite 2 hard boiled eggs, and hopped on the bike for a ride to the gym. I had a great work out. Except that I have an inexplicable rash on my chest which is exacerbated by sweating, and a great work out = much sweat. So that hurt.

Then I got a phone call from E. Major sidetracking here: E is driving me crazy. She is 10, going on 30, you would think. Today was the third day that she called to ask me permission to leave her after school program and go do something else, b/c she is "bored to death." Last week, she wanted to go to her friend's house. I said, "is her mom home?" No. Then you can't go! We've had this conversation 100,000 times. She may not go to a friend's house if there are no adults home! if adults are home for the most part, and they need to run to the store, or pick up a younger sibling - FINE. But if they're not home at all, and have no intention to be -NO NO NO!!

She and her friend came here, instead, while Beloved and I were prepping for J's bday party. Which was fine with me - I'm comfortable with her friends, and had no problem telling them that they could either go out back to the park, or bring the recycling down to the basement and empty the trash [they chose the work over the park ... dorks].

Today she calls me on my cell phone as I'm waiting for my smoothie to be properly blended and while I'm cursing that 411 doesn't have a listing for BarBri so that I could call and get directions from the T -- "Mom, can I go to S's house?" Uh, is S's mom home? "Uh, no, but pleeeeeeese????" No, E, you may not. go. to. a. friend's. house. if. their. parents. are. not. there!!!

"Well, can we go to our house?"

No, E, I am not home. I am going to Boston to get my damned book.

"Okay. Um. Well, S2 and I have research to do at the library, can we go to the library?"

Damn these kids to hell. Why do I pay $500/mo for her to have the after school program just for her to think of any excuse to blow it off? And why oh why oh why am I having to deal with my kid begging for freedom when she's TEN. Is this appropriate? 10? Really?

So, they've been at the library for an hour, and now it's time for me to go "visit" them. He he he.

I have the "second half" of my BarBri books. Half? This is like, the 2nd 2/3ds. It's a much bigger box than the first half! Not halves, then!!

Also, it's really hot out, and I wasn't appropriately dressed for biking in this heat. 2 layers of shirts and long pants? No. Not smart.

Time to go harass the kids.

I am going to seriously have a talk with E tonight, b/c this has to stop - I'm not going to fail the bar exam b/c I'm so busy fielding phone calls about how "bored to death" she is, and she can't have friends over every day ... or I'll fail the bar exam. I can probably let her have a day a week that she comes home with a friend, and perhaps I'll give her some $$ so they can stop on the way home and pick up a [cold] snack, and therefore leave me alone while I'm in my room studying.

grrrr to older kids. grrrr.

Labels: *E*, bar prep, exercise, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 3:44 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Peace, perhaps.

I had a great afternoon with E. She had her talk with the principal(s) and one of the opposing boys this morning, and it went well. There were no disagreements as to the story - she and the boy (who happens to be the one she kicked) got along well, and he said he understood why she thought that he was going to throw a rock at her, and was not upset with her at all. The other boys went in separately, but the one she's had the biggest problems with was absent today. Which is why I say only "perhaps" about peace. I know she's okay with the other boys, but that's while the biggest conflict is out of the equation.

I need to keep monitoring, though, for certain. I talked to E about it, and I told her that at this point, all adults are on notice about the issues she's been dealing with, and it is not okay with me if it is treated as if yesterday was an isolated event. She is going to keep me apprised, and if things continue, I'm going to keep riding the situation.

What sucks is that it's going to end up that E and I end up the "problem" if we keep making noise. But we will. So there.

She was happy that I came to get her. We went to the store together, and got some fresh sushi that we shared as an afternoon snack. We discovered that she's near immune to wasabi. She could practically smear the stuff on every surface and have no reaction whatsoever. I meanwhile was blinking and gasping.

We came home and I chatted with another mom from yesterday's drama. We made sure all was cool b/t us and our kids, and then moved on to talk about normal things.

Normal things. mmmmm.

Labels: bullies, kids, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 6:16 PM 0 comments

My Meeting with the Principal

I went into the school this a.m. - got there at 7:25. The principal's door was closed, and she was having a conversation with someone else. I sat on a little couch outside the office, feeling sort of like a kid who was called there, with butterflies in my stomach and all. Then the Vice Principal came in, and asked if I was being helped. I told him I was hoping to speak with the principal. I wondered, "hmm, perhaps he's the one handling it, and I should introduce myself, and see if he is actually who I should talk to ..." but he went to the principal's door, knocked, let himself in, talked about checks and stuff, and then said, "I want to call those kids in this morning." The principal said, "okay, at 8:05," he said, "I want to start with [E]." I said, "I'm E's mom!!!"

So I spoke with him. Other conversations going on in the office at the time had to do with yesterday's incident, and I started to feel like the mom of a problem child. But I shook it off, and stood tall. I have a good daughter.

I told Mr. V.P. that I know that E was not blameless in yesterday's situation .... and he nearly messed himself with happiness. He said, "I'm so glad to hear you say that. So many parents come in yelling that their kid didn't do a single thing wrong, and that's almost never true!" I think he was scared of me until then.

But then I gave him the background. About how E has been fighting this situation for over a month, and that although she perhaps shouldn't have been within kicking range ... the boys' behavior cannot be overlooked. Cannot.

I think I was well-received. I saw E afterward, and she asked how it went. I told her, and she seemed okay ... but then she started to cry and she said, "I didn't want all of this to happen! I just wanted it to stop!" I felt so bad for her. And I realized that I did lose track of telling the V.P. about the confusion that the bullying programs actually put into kids ... the mixed messages between "find an adult" and "don't tattle" - the lie of telling them that it's okay to ask for help, when in fact requests for help turn into phone calls home and meetings with guidance counselors, and friends angry at one another.

I mean, come on. Of course the child didn't make perfect decisions - she's 10. She's a child. Isn't that the whole point of childhood? To learn how to make good decisions -- some of that learning coming from the consequences of bad decisions?

I was going to work at school until 4 today, but I decided not to. I'm home, and I'm leaving shortly to head to the girls' school. J has a knitting class after school, so I'm only going to pick up E. I'm taking her to Whole Foods in order to buy some fish and broccoli (yes, I'm cooking tonight - hold your laughter), and then we'll come and each do our school work at home until we go get J later in the day. Hopefully she'll feel the support, and will welcome the break from the after-school program where the boys she's having trouble with also spend the afternoon. She won't be at the program tomorrow, either.

I also have some knowledge that other moms are pissed. They think that their kids are blameless .... I don't know names, but I'm willing to bet that the ones who are convinced their kids are perfect are the moms to the meanest of the bullies. i also did share with the V.P. just who those kids are - who has been harassing E, and who was new to the situation as of yesterday.

I guess I'm about to get the next update along with my kid ...

Labels: bullies, kids, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 1:32 PM 1 comments

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Parent Teacher Conferences - Version 2

The first version was one where I was absolutely excited to go and talk to my kids' teachers. I knew that they would tell me that the girls were ahead of their grade level in all subjects, that they were respectful toward their classmates and their teachers. That I would be praised for the fantasticness of my offspring.

This version? Where I'm looking at the clock in dread. Where I'm wondering just how serious the issues are, and how much of a difference will be apparent from the "report card" I get from the teacher. I'm also dreading a likely confrontation with the teacher.

This would be E's conference that I'm dreading. I've known for weeks that this one is going to be different. E comes home telling me that she was held in from recess for talking during an assembly, but "it's not fair!" because they were talking about how good the assembly was. She tells me how her teacher yells at HER for talking when really it was her friend talking to HER.

And this morning, I found a stack of papers by her bed, the top one being a test returned with an unacceptable grade on it.

This is at least the third time.

I think it's likely that there's a direct correlation between her "talking" issues and her decrease in performance - and if that's so, why am I forced to extrapolate from what she tells me that she's becoming a problem in class? Why am I not hearing this from her teacher?

There's also a direct correlation between the fact that this year has come with MANY social changes. Some kids are learning how to balance the more mature social interactions, and others (E!) are not.

I reacted quite harshly with E this morning. I saw the test, and she saw me see it, and she sort of freaked out about me looking at her stuff. Her school stuff.

I know I asked for input earlier about privacy issues - but home/school communication absolutely positively DOES NOT count as protected material. No fucking way.

yet she freaked "stop snooping through my stuff!" First of all, when you're stuff is splaid out all over the floor, it's not "snooping" for someone to look down. Second of all - well, see above. The stuff came home for the purpose of ME seeing it.

I decided to let it go for that moment (she was still in bed and I was there to wake her for her shower), since it was the morning. Not only was it the morning, but it was the morning after I was out later than usual and didn't see her at night. AND, I have an 8 a.m. class on T/Th, which means I had to be leaving before them, and didn't want to start an argument just to sail out the door, leaving Beloved to deal with the aftermath.

But then E was moving ridiculously slow: I had to tell her 3 times to get out of the shower; she took about 10 minutes getting dressed; she spent 8 minutes fussing with the shoelace of one shoe - I watched her incredulously for about 4 minutes, and then went to dry my hair (b/c it was 30 out, and I was on the bike - don't want frozen hair!) when I got out of the bathroom, I saw her fussing with a shoelace again, and assumed it was the OTHER shoe - but it wasn't!! She'd taken off the shoe that she'd put ON!! And was fussing, again!! Then I told her to go brush her teeth, and 3 minutes later when I went into the bathroom, she was just peering into the mirror - her toothbrush still in its cup.

So I got SUPER bitchy and also laid into her for the test. Of course, she said it's "not her fault" because she didn't even know it was a test when she was doing it. Huh?

I ended up NOT going to school on time, choosing to stay home longer and see the morning through. She wasn't a happy girl when she left the house - but honestly, I haven't even shared all of her behavior that I wasn't happy with -- she was not in top form, to say the least.

Yet, of course, as is the case whenever our day starts off like shit, I felt awful all morning. While talking to a friend at school after class, I realized that I said by to J without wishing her luck on her speech that she's worked hard on all week, and I felt horrible.

Tears horrible.

And then I felt even more horrible upon stepping back and realizing how this year has just been full of "issues" for E, and that if we don't find a solution now - she's going to lose her standing in school, and is going to be an underachiever - like her mother before her.

I so do not want that.

I can't even put into words how much I don't want that.

Yet I don't know how to stop it.

Discouragement. My word of the day.

Labels: kids, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 1:43 PM 2 comments

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The good, the bad and the ugly

Play is over! I think it went really well. It's also nice that it's over.

It's also nice that I came home to an e-mail from E's cello teacher saying he has to play in a concert tomorrow a.m., and so he can't do E's lesson. Which means we have the day OFF!!

I always think that, and then friends of the girls inevitably call, and we end up running all over town doing drop off and pick up.

I also really liked helping with the play, as I've said before. I enjoyed being with the kids and the other parents who helped out. I like being a "go to" person, and enjoyed taking on that role for the first time in this school. It's unfortunate that next year I'll be slaving away as a first year associate at Future Firm, and likely won't get to have the same depth of a role that I had this time. I will still be able to be present at performances, but not at rehearsals, and that's what enabled me to have a deeper presence at the performances.

Unfortunately, as seems inevitable in these settings, I did have an incident this evening where there was a "misunderstanding" as the result of too many people giving too many directions about one single thing, and wires were crossed, and someone ended up mad at me for "taking her job" -- or her kid's job, or something. Hopefully it's something that won't be an issue once time passes and the stress of the evening is in the past. I honestly did nothing other than what people asked of me ... it just appears that it's the same thing that OTHER people asked of her. I think. I'm not really sure.

On the brighter side - my kids were great. E had a relatively meaty part which she performed with sparkle and pizazz. We got many compliments throughout the day - even from complete strangers while walking home from dinner! A neighbor suggested that due to E's strong singing voice we pull her from her fun theater "club" thing that she does after school, and put her in the more serious theater group in town. E thinks she wants to look into it. Her love of acting and performing has to be strong if it's going to pull her away from the social setting of the group she's been involved with for so long.

Tomorrow, we will watch Meet the Press and I will force my children to clean their room. I will try to read some Intellectual Property and perhaps even some (ewwwww!!!) Securities Regulation. We shall see ....

Labels: kids, life, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 10:16 PM 0 comments

Monday, March 19, 2007

Striking yet another balance

E and her friends are all working to get on each other's Google Talk lists. Last year (and even the year before), E was emailing with her old friends from CA, and ocassionally with her friends who she worked on a school newspaper with. I didn't find it problematic, and thought, "at least she's not IMing yet!"

Now they are setting up the IMing.

I am not completely concerned, b/c her computer access is quite limited, and never 100% independent - our home isn't big enough for that. I know all her passwords, and she often asks me to just check her email for her.

As a parent, I certainly hear a LOT - not even including television commercials - about how important it is that we monitor our kids' computer time.

Does this mean it's okay for me to sign into her email when I know she's at school and see what she and her friends are talking about?

She's 10. But, of course, not for long.

I know that people tend to feel VERY strongly in one direction or another, and I'd love to hear people's thoughts - not limited to those with kids. Since we've all BEEN kids.

My mom was a snooper. I knew this, and I learned to use it to my advantage. I still didn't like it.

I am at my core a snooper. It is one of my evil impulses that I spend time choking down.

Therefore, if I'm going to decide that I will NOT be a snooper-mom (which I don't see an issue yet, but more as the girls head up toward 13, 14, 15, 16, and then I tend to think that at 17, those birds are done - for the most part - I'm sure I'll change my mind) I need to start prepping myself NOW.

Opinions, rants and debates are hereby officially requested.

Labels: parenting

posted by Zuska @ 5:09 PM 7 comments

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Renewed Focus

It feels slightly funny to put my IP book down in order to write this post ....
For some reason, I've had an increase in focus thus far this quarter. It seems partially unusual because it's my last quarter - if there's a time to take school less seriously, isn't this it?
The reason why I say no is twofold: 1) I didn't take classes that allow that of me - not in the professors' styles or in the content; and 2) I'm feeling like it's an area I have to improve upon if I'm to do well in the kind of work environment I've chosen for next year --- especially if I am going to make my little balancing act work. I also feel like it's really super-duper important that I make this work. I feel like I've been given an opportunity to do good things for my family, and if I navigate things right, it can be a very good thing. The fact that I'm not willing to become a stranger to my loved ones makes the pressure higher, but I think that being focused and productive while I'm at work will help justify the time that others are still there (say, at 7:30 p.m.), but I am at home.

Therefore, I'm working to make myself do better; to waste less time. I leave my computer home more often and even when I have it with me, I don't allow myself "treats" of checking my e-mail except for upon completion of reading assignments.

Geez, you'd think I were 14, not 34.

I also feel more engaged with the material of my classes than I was in my 2L year, or last fall. This makes it all more do-able.

I've also put other things (gym, daytime hours with the kids) higher up on my priority list than in quarters past. I learned in the fall that I could do that when taking only 12 credit hours - but I didn't then. I wasted a lot of time. Now that my super-flexible days are numbered, I'm doing what I can to use them wisely. This includes being better at staying on task.

Labels: law school, parenting, studies

posted by Zuska @ 5:31 PM 0 comments

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