E and J went to the town pool today. They're really getting their exercise in this summer: swimming every day, and on days that aren't as hot as today was - biking through our park and to other parks. It's been great for them. I'm very happy with their activity levels.

Today, they went to the pool, and found that it was free, because it was over 90 degrees, and because it's the "start of summer," the swim hours were extended. One of E's closest friends was there with her mom, and they hung out for a while. Both the girls told me, separately, "S was at the pool." They told me that they played and stuff. That was it.

E had gotten a call from another friend, and went with her to see the Nancy Drew movie. While she was gone, S, the friend who was at the pool, called her. When E got home, we passed the message along, and she demanded, "What did she say?" Well, nothing. So E called her back.

Now, E doesn't have the best phone manners. I remind her every time she dials, "Hello, this is E, can I speak with ____, please?" But sometimes she gets distracted, and when the person answers, she says, "Uh, Yeah. Is ___ there?" She did that today. Then she said, "you called?!" sort of snappish. But E gets snappish just b/c she's not paying attention - not because she's grouchy or trying to be mean. So as in similar situations, I remind her, "E, be polite." And she left the room with the phone, but not quickly enough for me not to hear her say, "yeah, I'm sorry, too."

I asked J, "Did E and S get in a fight?" Yep.

So how can both the girls tell me about seeing S, and her mom (a close friend of mine), and talk about playing together and NOT tell me that an argument ensued? How?

I asked E what the fight was about. "nothing." She was being VERY tight lipped. Very. So without thinking, I said, "J, what did they fight about?" J looked at me with big round eyes, dramatically sealed her lips shut, and turned back to what she was doing. I laughed and told her she did the right thing.

But damn! I wanted to know what happened!!

So on the way to the concert in the park, I persisted with the needling at E, trying to break down her resolve to secrecy.

Didn't work. I did probe, and I did needle. She said to me, "Mom! I'm not telling you. Not ever. I will not tell you because the argument was NOT between me, S, and YOU, it was just between ME and S. That's it!"

I told her she was clever, and she was strong, and that I'd leave her alone.

My friend (S's mom) was at the concert, and she didn't know what the fight was about, either, she was just happy they made up and apologized.

So, I will honor my daughter and her maturity. I will honor her boundaries.

And stop needling her.

But geez ... what did they fight about???

Labels: *E*, friendship, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 9:33 PM 1 comments

Friday, April 06, 2007

Insult, Compliment, or Nothing to do with ME

A friend came by to drop off her kiddo a bit ago. She's been here several times - when the house ready for company, when I'm in the midst of deep cleaning, when I'm in the midst of exams and the place looks like shit, while Beloved is in the process of cooking a meal and the kitchen looks crazy but smells fantastic --- she knows this place.

Today she walked in as the girls were playing a card game on the floor and I was sitting on the couch checking e-mail. She said, "your house is so quiet!" slight pause, "and clean!"

I laughed, thinking, "surprise, surprise, Zuska's house is clean" - not really insulted, b/c, really, my house is always cluttered. Not DIRTY, mind you, but cluttered. Reason being we're shoving 2500 square feet worth of people and belongings into a 1000 square foot (or less) apartment. Considering that fact, we don't do too bad.

But then her daughter (8 years old) laughed, and said "that's because OUR house is so messy and loud!"

Okay, then.

Nothing to do with me. Or my "clean" house.

Labels: friendship, housework, life

posted by Zuska @ 10:45 AM 0 comments

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Joy and Rapture

I went to a fundraiser tonight. I had a great time. I went with 2 other women, and met up with two other friends there, as well as several others. Dinner was served, but very little was in line with my newfound "eating habits" (i.e., healthy foods people, healthy foods!) which brings up the joy and the rapture ...

I came home from a movie that I'd brought the kids to (but somehow lost them along the way home - at a park, with a friend, who took them to her house, and then to ice cream) in order to try on clothes for tonight, wondering if I'd be happy enough with anything in the closet, or if I'd have to find my way to a store ....

I put on the pants I thought I'd wear -- nice charcoal gray pants. They fell down. They were so saggy-baggy, they looked silly.

I'd just worn them relatively comfortably during my entire winter co-op. They were looser than in the summer, but not by too much - not so much that I couldn't wear them.

Tonight, I couldn't wear them.

So I pulled a slim skirt out of my closet - from up on a shelf where I was "storing it until I could fit into it" and tried it on.

It fit -- with room to spare.

I went to another skirt, in another closet, this one a size smaller. I tried it on.

It fit.

With room to spare!!

Yee ha!!

I ended up wearing some chocolate pants that used to look pretty horrendous (and therefore kept hanging in the closet), and this time looked pleasantly loose, with a nice blouse.

I felt great.

I was also very happy to never feel alone in a crowded room. I felt good, and connected.

I also bought a necklace in the silent auction. It's verra verra pretty, and I spent well under $100. A sneaky lady had tried to up me by $5 at the last minute, but she made the mistake of turning her back. Ha ha! No siree, no can do! Zuska has learned from her sneaky husband just how to win an auction. Older ladies in flower print shirts cannot grab pretty necklaces from Zuska!!

But the biggest joys and biggest raptures were the result of the pants and the skirts.

They are my friends.

And I believe they will provide me with enough motivation to wake tomorrow (Sunday!!) at some time b/t 7 and 8 a.m. in order to ride my bike to the gym, and work myself into even the NEXT size down.

Because I have proven that I can.

So ha.

Labels: clothes, community, exercise, friendship

posted by Zuska @ 11:45 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Something New To Do .... Yea?

I am very happy about this ... I've been invited to join a book group. It is not with kids. It is for Grown Ups.

This is really good for me right now, with my seeking to increase my level of social activity. I think it was inevitable, for a 1st year of law school in a new city - I was relatively stand-offish at my school, b/c of constantly running home (b/c that's what I wanted to do) to be with the family; and also relatively stand-offish at the GIRLS' school, b/c of constantly running home to study.

But now school is winding down, and my life can (re)start.

There are 9 other women in the group, and I know 3 of them (I probably know more, I don't know the full list of members yet). One of the 3 I know is the mom of the boy that e. has been struggling with -- us moms have started to talk, to see what's up with the kids, and we're going out to dinner next week, to talk more - not really about these kids' problems with each other. More just to vent to another mom about some of the harder aspects of parenting. I think that it's hard (perhaps especially in this town) for moms to talk about their STRUGGLES. Bragging about kids - perfectly okay. But I think if you share about your difficulties -- the grapevine kicks in, and people start to think of your kid as a "problem." Which e. is NOT. I think that since this other mom and I have now experienced our kids being a difficult with each other - there's a certain safety zone.

And she seems a wee younger, like me, and she's pretty friendly. she also works full time, which is a rarity around here. Part-time is getting to be less and less of a rarity, as kids get older ... but full time is still unusual.

My first meeting of the book group is the week of New Year's, and I guess I have to either go to the bookstore, or the library!! I have a book to read!!

Labels: friendship, parenting, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 9:05 AM 2 comments

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Getting over it.

Our apartment is kinda small. We have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, and then a very healthily sized open space that is the living room, dining room and kitchen. Those rooms aren't really cramped, but we could really use MORE rooms.

Because of this, and my feelings about it, I am always hesitant to have people over. I don't like having both girls invite people over, b/c there isn't anywhere for 2 sets of kids to GO.

I am trying to get over it. I'm trying to think of ways we can have people over. Last night, j. had a friend over, and they slept on the couches in the living room (made up as beds). e. was talking with a friend about when they could have a sleep over, and I took a deep breath and said, "she can sleep over here tonight."

I am also wondering if we can have other families over. I'm thinking that perhaps if mine and beloved's room is clean enough, we can put the t.v. in there, and perhaps have a movie going for kids who may want to watch a movie, and then other kids can play games in the girls' room, and the adults can sit in the living room or at the dining table? Perhaps?

I do think I need to find a way to get over it. We really cannot move any time soon. I would like for my social life to be richer. I can't do it if I'm not willing to open my doors to people.

Labels: apartment, friendship, kids, life

posted by Zuska @ 1:29 PM 0 comments

Sunday, November 26, 2006

1 hour and 34 minutes

that's how long i spent on the phone this morning with an old friend of mine from California. it was nice to talk to her. i miss her, and her kids. we talked some about trying to plan a joint family vacation - but it won't be possible this year (which is almost over), or next year, b/c i have to take the stupid bar exam. so it will be the next year. if ever. her eldest and my eldest always had a special bond, and even when we've gone over a year without seeing each other, they're able to pick it up again within 10 minutes.

one thing that was nice about talking to her is that she is one of the very few people who understand my feelings on marriage.

i get a little irked when i talk to people in my family about the fact that beloved and i have chosen to go through with an official marriage ceremony.

beloved and i have not been 'shacking up' for the past 2+ years. we have been a family. we made a decision that marriage was not necessary for us to be truly committed to each other, and that it could even be damaging to the relationship we have. we also decided that "marriage" as an institution has become something we do not entirely support. the religiosity of it - the prejudice that is part-and-parcel of the concept these days (perhaps forever, but these days, it's spoken and voted on and codified).

now that we are looking at the realities of the structure of this society we are in, and thinking it will benefit us, people are acting as if it means we are NOW getting together. like, we weren't a couple before. like this is a HUGE CHANGE.

it is not a change in us. it is not something that needs flowers and dresses and champagne. it's just a fact.

but my friend A. gets it - probably b/c she's in california, and that's where beloved and i acquired our attitude toward marriage, b/c our attitude toward marriage fit in so much better when we were on that coast .... if we had stayed there, i bet we wouldn't have made this decision at all.

Labels: friendship, life, marriage

posted by Zuska @ 3:28 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Reconnecting

in college, i had a very close friend, JS. my parents used to be concerned that we were too close. as in, lesbian lovers. we were not. but we had a practically symbiotic friendship, and worked hard to maintain it until the day i got married to the ex. she moved to CT after i graduated (despite the fact that she had a year or so left of college in VA) and took a job as a nanny for about a year nearby to my parents' home. we stayed in touch somewhat after i got married (1994) and had kids (1996), and she visited me at least once in CA, but my marriage definitely was the major changing point for us. i don't blame her for not moving to Alabama to maintain the pre-marriage level of our friendship. i highly doubt that the ex would have appreciated it ... although, he may have appreciated my being around less. he wasn't too fond of me. he liked his professor better.

JS got married in August of 2001, and i was in her wedding. at the time, the ex and i were still living together, but alternating nights on the couch, and we were already pretty much separated. i did not tell JS about this at her wedding .... duh. but i was a mess. an utter and total mess. this was around the time that i toyed with just walking away from everything on my own - sans kids. she, however, was completely unaware, and that's good.

not too long after (perhaps 3 or 4 months) i called her and told her about my separation from the ex.

see up there where i said we were in college together? remember what college that was? so JS was most definitely of that persuasion. to say she disapproved of the ending of my marriage is putting it very lightly. she was also very upset about my shedding of the faith. that was a little strange, b/c when we were in college, she was the rebellious pastor's kid - we were far from the spiritual enthusiasts. but she returned to the fold in her mid-20's and her husband's family and her family were both pillars in their local church.

needless to say, things have been very distant between us for the last 5 years. but i recently received an e-mail from her, and we've been talking back and forth for a couple of weeks. religious issues have not come up at all, but she did apologize for her reaction to my situation 5 years ago. she and her husband are dealing with some fertility issues right now, and also contemplating a big move and career change(s), so there's a lot going on with her. as with me 5 years ago, a lot she had never planned on having to deal with.

it's been nice to reconnect. i hope we maintain it.

Labels: divorce, friendship, religion

posted by Zuska @ 3:38 PM 0 comments

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