I do not understand it. When the girls were at X's house, he and I talked a total of one time about how the girls were doing. During that conversation, he made the comment, "They don't read very much ..." to which I balked.

In this house, they are reading fiends. Sometimes, a book a day. They are both well above their reading level, and are constantly asking for new books. It really helps that Beloved is in the children's literature field, b/c he is able to constantly provide them with new and appropriate reading material.

I don't know why they didn't read there.

Today, J read an entire book (Tiger Rising, by Kate Dicamillo), and is now reading a second. E has been reading constantly, and was very upset on several occasions today when I made her put her book down to do chores or math homework. We spent TWO HOURS in a cafe today, and I got antsy and was done reading before them. I said, "you guys ready to go?" They both said no - once they shook their heads to clear them from the books they were immersed in. We then spent another TWO HOURS at the library.

They have never been to the library in the Middle of the Country. I kid you not.

When they're here, they watch no t.v., and don't ask to. We all enjoy family movie nights (Fridays), and sometimes we check out DVDs of different series (Star Trek (the original), Brady Bunch and Gilligan, to name a few - uh, maybe all). But we don't "watch t.v." They don't complain. When they have the freedom to, they flip once through the channels, and turn it off.

When they're there, they know every Disney, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network show, what time it's on, and have favorites and daily shows. Then they come home, and they just don't care.

It also appears that when they're there, they don't fight or bicker.

But when they're here ....

Labels: *E*, *J*, summer

posted by Zuska @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The girls are home!

We picked the girls up yesterday at around 5 p.m. It is great to see them - they look healthy and beautiful.

They had a good summer, and so were a little sad to be away from X, but also ready to be home. Makes for a tough transition day. More of a tough transition night. It's when bedtime rolls around that their unsettledness comes out. J ends up afraid that the world is going to get struck by a meteor or something while she sleeps, and E just says, "I miss daddy, and I'm also afraid that we'll never have such a good summer again." We did our best to calm them both down - I tried to convince E that it's okay to be sad when you miss someone, and not to expect it to go away instantly. And maybe that it's good to feel sad, sometimes. Beloved helped J to think about positive possibilities, and to try to train her mind to go in that direction, instead of the calamitous.

Today, we've had a relatively smooth day. I felt like since school let out in June, the girls had been getting along with one another pretty well - especially in the Middle of the Country. Not today. Bickering started pretty early. They also weren't happy with me for enforcing my declaration that we would not stay in transition for a week, i.e., they had to unpack, and straighten their room. I didn't even push it too hard (their room is far from perfect), but they reacted strongly to the bit I did require.

Eventually, we got out the door to the pool. We had a nice time there. E is really quick to be upset. I know there's a transition happening - but she's seeming to be a little spoiled. She is upset mostly when she doesn't get her way. When the pool changed the rules so she couldn't dive off the side of the pool; when I didn't want to play a 4th game of Uno or a 2nd game of Clue; when I said "not right now" to reading her script with her, b/c we'd just finished 4 games of Uno and 2 games of Clue, and it's 9:30, and I'm tired.

When I know they're struggling with transitions, I feel like I need to bend over backward to help. That I need to say yes to all the games and other activities. But I don't like her reactions today. She's not being really all that obnoxious - it's more of a quiet (tragic) sulking.

We'll work through it, I'm sure. For all I know it's something that she found worked with X, and is trying it here. They seem to have found a way to spend much more time with him this trip, even though he was teaching a class every day, and perhaps this was the key there. Sulking. It's not a key here. Sure, I followed her into her room a couple times to see if she was okay, but then I just enforced the things I had previously said to her.

I know things will even out. They always do after a few rocky days.

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, tears

posted by Zuska @ 9:01 AM 0 comments

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Despite all my good faith efforts ....

I have been thwarted. 100% thwarted!

E went to a bday party in May where they did a Yankee Swap in lieu of traditional bday presents. Each kid brought a gift, including the bday girl, and then they played the game, and everyone came home with something.

E came home with a certificate ... she was going to receive a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows upon publication.

She figured her friend would mail it to her, and she intended to provide said friend with her address in the Middle of the Country. She forgot.

I made plans for Beloved to bring the book home for me from his work on THURSDAY (next), and X promised E he would buy her a copy.

Unfortunately, the store where they were attending a midnight party yesterday had sold out of copies. She was heartbroken. She wanted a copy NOW! She asked me to call her friend, and INSIST that they ASAP mail it to the middle of the country.

I of course refused. B/c we are polite people in this house, and despite ocassional lapses, try our best not to be bulls in china shops.

However, at approximately 4:30 p.m. today, our phone rang.

"Hi, this ___, is E there?"
"No, ___, E is away for a couple weeks, but are you calling about the book?"
"Yes! Can we drop it off this afternoon?"

So guess what's sitting on my kitchen table?

Yep. Harry Potter.

You should have heard the threats I sent Beloved's way! The threats of what would happen if he allowed the thing to cross our threshold.

And yet - it's on the kitchen table.

They brought it in a plastic bag, and I did take it out. I touched the cover.

But I did not even read the inside flap.

And certainly not the last page. Temptation lived inside my heart, it is true. But seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. I will pass this bar exam, and some foolish woman who's taken to living in castles will not stand in my way.

Beloved just got home, and now he will be my Police Officer, I know. We're gonna wrap it up and send it overnight to E first thing Monday.

If she didn't end up getting a copy last night, after all. I hope not! Because if so, we're up a copy.

Update: E e-mailed. She got a copy last night. She's on Chapter 2 (she was finishing a re-read of #5 before she would start #7, and she re-read #6 right before she left .... no, that's nowhere near in order).

So the copy which Beloved hid is mine, and he just won't get one from work.

Which means I need to study somewhere else tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday, so I stop hearing voices from somewhere in the bedroom (where it MUST be hidden).

Labels: *E*, books, harry potter

posted by Zuska @ 6:24 PM 2 comments

I think this is okay ....

I had a super-successful productive day yesterday. I got through everything I wanted to, and thensome. I was working right up until midnight. I read through the February 2007 essay questions (all 10, which I found on the internet during the whole lawsuit media flurry, and liked having all 10 questions together to give myself a sense of the package deal) and felt okay - I didn't think I would have gotten a perfect score on all of them, but I think I understood what the issues were, and could have talked some for each.

Then today, we got up a little before 8. We went to our gyms. We came home, we showered. We walked up to town and went to our bank to sever our accounts (joint from individual) on our ATM cards, and changed our pin #s to be Euro-compliant. We went to an Indian food buffet, which was DELICIOUS. We went to the Gap, b/c I would like more skirts that I can just throw on to walk around town, and all my old ones fall off. We walked home slowly, stopping at Radio Shack to look for electricity converters for Europe. We talked, we enjoyed the 72 degree weather.

I did not freak out. I did not start twitching. I did not get upset.

It's now 1:30, and I'm about to head into my office/bar-study room/ kids' bedroom.

Do I feel guilty?

No.

Do I feel refreshed and ready to be productive?

Yes.

Do I, momentarily, feel like a healthy, well-rounded, able to carry on a conversation sort of person?

YES!

So no ... I don't feel guilty.

p.s. Feeling normal again also makes me miss my kids :( I really would like some snuggle time with them. I saw clothes in Gap Kids that would look great on them.

Labels: *E*, *J*, beloved, europe, exercise, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 1:27 PM 0 comments

Friday, July 20, 2007

A Moment of Mommy-Sadness

My kids are in a play. Right now. They have been in a drama camp in the Middle of the Country, and today is the performance. There are two of them (performances) today. They are in a scene together, and have a duet, and a dance, and everything.

I have never ever ever missed one of their performances. And in two short years, there have been MANY. 3 per year per kid. Maybe 4. I have to say, I'm feeling quite sad about missing this one. I would never have entertained the idea of traveling to the Middle of the Country for this performance ... it's a 2 week camp, it's X's thing, blah, blah blah (and that's not even considering what's going on at this point in MY life). But the sadness remains.

I bet they're so cute. I hope there's a way to get pictures. I guess it's good that X gets a taste of the excitement, and the nervousness, and the process. I just miss it.

I also fear that they will have a harder time once this camp is over (this performance marks the end). They have been seeming to be very busy, and to be having a lot of fun there so far. E has weird moments, though, where she calls here with an almost-desperation. Last night, she called using X's cell phone (which she seems to have unfettered access to) from a concert. So there was lots of noise, and a frantic voice saying, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU MOMMY!" I tried to tell her that it was clearly not a good time for a phone call, but she couldn't hear me. So I hung up. She called back. Finally, she called from their walk home, and said that she just missed me so much, she had to call.

I think that next week, they'll enjoy the ability to just knock around the house, but the NEXT week, they'll start to get bored. And they'll have almost zero access to me, since I'll be in Europe, and I don't have a phone that works in Europe, and I don't want to pay for international cell phone calls.

I will buy a phone card once we arrive, but E won't be able to call ME whenever she's feeling frantic and desperate. She'll have to adhere to a schedule.

Tonight they're going to the HP release party. They're VERY excited about that, and X's wife has been helping them with their costumes, and took them to a second hand clothing store yesterday to find robes and such - I am very grateful that she's so engaged (and always has been) and really picks up the slack that X has always always left behind.

I think I'll go place a quick "good luck" phone call (I realized that I once again added an hour instead of subtracted - their performance is in an hour.)

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 5:50 PM 0 comments

Thursday, July 19, 2007

looking up and the sadness of harry potter

i had a great night's sleep last night, and am on my way out to the gym for an installment of endorphins.

spoke with the girls last night - i think they're doing well. they have not gone to see HP 5 yet, so i'll keep crossing my fingers that they don't make j go.

they are going to an HP book party on friday (jealous, jealous, jealous), and E is dressing as luna lovegood, and J is going as draco malfoy. he he he. really, she isn't a bad child.

not only is beloved not allowed to bring the book home from the party at his work on friday night, but he's not allowed to FORGET to bring it home from work on thursday, the 26th. i told him if he comes home (at 9 p.m. or so) without the book in his hand, we will return together, at 10 or so, to get it.

i am considering going dark b/t saturday and the exam on wednesday. perhaps locking my computer in a safe somewhere, and then losing the combination. i don't want to read spoilers about the book.

time to go sweat for a while. i think i'll bring our new book on Paris, and spend the time looking at where i'll be in just over a week.

Labels: *E*, *J*, books, europe, exercise, X

posted by Zuska @ 8:31 AM 1 comments

Friday, July 06, 2007

Skins, Kids and Books

I just downloaded a new skin for my updated Firefox - I'm not sure I like it. It's green. I think it will likely match my blog layout, but I don't tend to spend much time reading my own blog, and it doesn't match much else.

The girls are gone. They got on the plane this a.m. J was very emotional and tearful last night, and was more "depressed" (not in the clinical sense, in the quiet and withdrawn sense) this morning. E was being stoic last night. She was spending time in her room, preparing. She packed a lot more personal stuff than she usually does, and declared that she will NOT be living out of her suitcase this summer, and that if X did not get them a dresser, she will insist on some sort of dresser-like arrangement so she can actually move in this time.

Poor kid.

X called at 8:30 - he had them in hand and said they were happy, smiling and excited. It is the transition that bothers them the most - not the fact of their father, I think. They do have true complaints about how they spend their time and how he acts toward them, but while the transition period makes them say they would NEVER want to go there, I don't think that's the real truth. I think they do want to be there. It's just hard.

I came home and napped. This was the plan:

Sleep from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Go to the gym from 10:30 a.m. to Noon
Shower, start working at 1:00
Leave home at 4:30 to to go the evening class of Corporations II

This is what actually happened:
Sleep from 7:30 a.m. to 12:30
Shower
Email/blog/make coffee set up until 1:30
Starting working at 1:30.

Huh. I guess that the sleep I got from 1:30 to 4:00 a.m. just wasn't enough.

Now it's time. Now I crunch. What usually serves the purpose of the family calendar will become the bar calendar - a dry-erase month-at-a-glance ... with subjects and questions and essays written in rather than birthday parties and picnics and school assignments.

I'm less nervous now than I was in June, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. I definitely have a lot to cram into my head, and I am definitely not in passing range yet. I suppose I trust my ability to learn, but this is definitely time to dig in deep for my ability to persevere and NOT procrastinate.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, parenting, summer

posted by Zuska @ 1:20 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Damn that backbone!

E and J went to the town pool today. They're really getting their exercise in this summer: swimming every day, and on days that aren't as hot as today was - biking through our park and to other parks. It's been great for them. I'm very happy with their activity levels.

Today, they went to the pool, and found that it was free, because it was over 90 degrees, and because it's the "start of summer," the swim hours were extended. One of E's closest friends was there with her mom, and they hung out for a while. Both the girls told me, separately, "S was at the pool." They told me that they played and stuff. That was it.

E had gotten a call from another friend, and went with her to see the Nancy Drew movie. While she was gone, S, the friend who was at the pool, called her. When E got home, we passed the message along, and she demanded, "What did she say?" Well, nothing. So E called her back.

Now, E doesn't have the best phone manners. I remind her every time she dials, "Hello, this is E, can I speak with ____, please?" But sometimes she gets distracted, and when the person answers, she says, "Uh, Yeah. Is ___ there?" She did that today. Then she said, "you called?!" sort of snappish. But E gets snappish just b/c she's not paying attention - not because she's grouchy or trying to be mean. So as in similar situations, I remind her, "E, be polite." And she left the room with the phone, but not quickly enough for me not to hear her say, "yeah, I'm sorry, too."

I asked J, "Did E and S get in a fight?" Yep.

So how can both the girls tell me about seeing S, and her mom (a close friend of mine), and talk about playing together and NOT tell me that an argument ensued? How?

I asked E what the fight was about. "nothing." She was being VERY tight lipped. Very. So without thinking, I said, "J, what did they fight about?" J looked at me with big round eyes, dramatically sealed her lips shut, and turned back to what she was doing. I laughed and told her she did the right thing.

But damn! I wanted to know what happened!!

So on the way to the concert in the park, I persisted with the needling at E, trying to break down her resolve to secrecy.

Didn't work. I did probe, and I did needle. She said to me, "Mom! I'm not telling you. Not ever. I will not tell you because the argument was NOT between me, S, and YOU, it was just between ME and S. That's it!"

I told her she was clever, and she was strong, and that I'd leave her alone.

My friend (S's mom) was at the concert, and she didn't know what the fight was about, either, she was just happy they made up and apologized.

So, I will honor my daughter and her maturity. I will honor her boundaries.

And stop needling her.

But geez ... what did they fight about???

Labels: *E*, friendship, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 9:33 PM 1 comments

Monday, June 25, 2007

Another kid, another doctor

Today was E's turn at the doctor. Then we got sent for x-rays at the Children's Hospital. Woe is me.

They had scoliosis screenings in 5th grade this past year, and it came as no surprise that E was flagged for follow up. I was also flagged for follow up when I was her age, and I have an aunt who had a brace and surgery and still has problems from her scoliosis.

Today was our appointment. The doctor saw something, too (I was hoping she wouldn't). So we got sent over to the hospital for x-rays to determine the degree of curvature.

I also spent some time finagling schedules to try and get J a physical in time to start school, because 4th grade requires full physicals in our district, as well as updated vaccines (I think she needs a booster).

The doctor's office was so confused by me. Until this year, X had their insurance per court order, and he used to bring them to the doctor in the summers. I got sick of that (having to do out of network crap every time I wanted to take them to the doctor), and so now they have insurance here. The doctor and all receptionists would therefore ask where she had been seen previously, to which the answer was "in the middle of the country" and they'd ask when we moved, or whether she lives with her father and just visits me in the summers (NO!!!), and they just seem generally very perplexed when I say, "no, we've been here for years."

I'm so glad we're done with that now.

Since we're new patients at this office, we had a hard time getting an appointment for J's physical in time for the school year. I ended up having to wait an eternity for a letter from the doctor to the school stating that we have an appointment on 9/17 (10 days after the school year starts), and that J's immunizations will be updated before then, and please let her go to school. Between that, the required trip to Starbucks for caffeine, and the x-ray process, the whole thing took 3 hours.

I am now exhausted! I don't want to find an hour to do another 30 multiple choice questions tonight! I want sleep. I want to read Harry Potter. I want to snuggle with Beloved.

Oh well. I will instead do laundry, multiple choice torts Q's, and do my best to get to bed in time for my alarm at 5:30 tomorrow for the gym-call.

Labels: *E*, bar prep, doctors, insurance

posted by Zuska @ 7:08 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

fires and wires.

Our fire alarm went off tonight - the building-wide one. We have little smoke alarms in our apartment, but then there's a building wide one that is triggered for more serious smoke. It has been set off in the past by burned foods on stove tops down the hall, but never by us.

We all left our building, and the firemen came and turned it off. It was nothing. No surprise there.

When I was going down to do the laundry, though, I did smell something slightly burny in the hallways. It smelled kind of plasticky.

I told Beloved about the smell when I got back to our apartment, and he said, "you know, while you were down in the laundry room, our door buzzer buzzed, and I went to see who it was, and there was no one there. Then I went to the back door, and there was no one there." I said, "eh, someone probably pushed the wrong button." he said, "No, we can always hear the buzz of the door being opened." True. "Probably just kids I said."

Then it happened again. No one in either lobby waiting to be let in.

He says he's a little worried that it's a short, and that there's something going on with the wiring in the walls, and that's what triggered the alarm, and that the fire department missed something. I said, "oh no! then we'll have a fire in our walls!" Then I said, "I think it's kids. I'm going in the hallway to watch."

I went into the hallway, and kept my eyes peeled.

I thought it was the kids downstairs. There are 2 apartments in the basement (it's only 1/2 underground), and they both have kids around E and J's ages in them. They tend to both leave their apartment doors open, and the parents let the kids just go wild in the basement hallway. I personally find it completely inappropriate and obnoxious. I don't see them as paying rent for the hallways. Not more than I do ... and you don't see me setting up a folding table and having a party down there. I mean, seriously. Close your damned door.

So I figured it was those kids, horsing around downstairs, and getting clever with the door buzzers.

Even though I'd just been in the laundry room, and both doors were closed.

But, whatever.

I stood in the hallway. No kids. No noises. But a woman and her baby were coming through the back lot, so I knew if there WERE kids, they'd be waiting until it was "all clear."

I felt like a bit of a stalker or something, lurking in the hallway (not to mention the fact that I could hear every word of the conversation between a husband and wife in an apartment back there as they cooked dinner), so I went back to my house while I waited for the mom and baby to get in and up the stairs.

I went back out, just to watch. Beloved said if it happened again, he thought we should call the building manager, and I just wanted to be sure before we bothered him at home that it wasn't horseplay.

Sure enough, after about 30 seconds, from between 2 cars in the parking lot comes a boy. Not a downstairs boy. Not an "I live here, too" boy, but rather, a boy from E's grade. He runs up the steps, oh-so-stealthily, sees me through window, and turns and runs away. Following after him? 2 more boys from E's grade.

I ran down the stairs, opened the door and yelled, [Boy One's name], [Boy Two's Name] and [Boy Three's Name]! I almost called the fire department! Stop ringing our buzzer!!!"

I came inside laughing. Beloved said, "E mail their moms!" I said, nah. I'd rather them be on pins and needles wondering if I would e-mail their moms. This is the most innocent of childhood pranks. If they keep it up after being caught, okay - I'll consider contacting moms. But not for this.

E, though, was indignant, and she and J went to the park where the boys were congregating. This is a very .... lush park. It's not that big, but it's pretty big and tree-filled for a city park. The neighborhood surrounding it is mostly $1 million (and higher) homes. Even the ones that are actually condos, but look like a castle. I would say that in the horseshoe that surrounds the park, there are likely 30 households, including my building, which has 14 of those. The park is mostly used as a toddler park and a dog park.

One of the 3 boys just moved to this neighborhood. He's been in our school district forever, and is friends with the other two, and now they're all in the same neighborhood. Not necessarily the best combo, in my opinion. It's a combination of boys that E has struggled with in the past at recess, and now ... they're in our backyard.

One of them had a Nerf Gun. (They had it when I saw them in the parking lot), and when E went out there, and "chased them" - they chased her back, while aiming the "nerf gun." I thought she meant a water gun, so I laughed and said, "did you get wet?" She said, "No, Mom, it wasn't a water gun, it was a nerf gun. It shot arrows, and I didn't appreciate getting shot, and you need to e-mail their moms." I still said no, b/c she went out there to confront them. She chased them first (even though she later tried to say no she didn't, but J verified that the first version was correct). I thought she'd go out there and they'd all laugh. I wish I didn't let her go out.

While folding laundry I thought it over a bit more. I'm really not that happy to think that we're going to have park issues this summer. I've been looking forward to the girls having free play time there, and if the boys act like a little harassing posse (as they've done in the past, and it was stopped only by E's getting adult interference and the boys being spoken to by the principal), the girls aren't going to want to go.

Also, I don't want boys shooting a gun (nerf or not) at my daughters. I don't think it's an appropriate way to behave toward others in a public place and with people who didn't consent to, and don't enjoy, that type of play.

I am not contacting mothers today, and I told E as much. However, if they continue to shoot a gun at her (I think I'm going to except water guns, but we'll see), and if they continue to harass the girls when they go to the park, I will intervene.

And then out comes my insecurity "oh, but they're home owners, and we're renters, and what if there's just nothing we can do about it b/c they actually have more of a right to be there?"

Where the hell does that come from?

Labels: *E*, *J*, apartment, kids, park

posted by Zuska @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Father's Day - baking, studying, swimming, studying

The girls and I made Beloved a coffee cake for Father's Day. I used this recipe, and had checked it yesterday. I looked at what we had in the cabinets, and surmised that I had everything I needed. Yet, when it came to the eggs, I panicked, thinking "I don't think we have any!" We did. We had 3 (needed 3). Then it came time for the sour cream, and I had thought yesterday "oh, we just used dollops of that on our tacos the other night, surely there's 1 1/4 cups left" - there wasn't. There was probably 4/5ths of a cup. So then I had to research substitutions. To get 1 cup of substitution of sour cream, you need 7/8th cup of buttermilk, and 3 t's of butter. In order to make buttermilk, you need 3/4 a cup of milk plus 2 t's of vinegar. I asked E to come figure out the fractions for me - b/c I needed 1/3 cup of buttermilk. Not 3/4, not 1. 1/3. I needed to know how many t's of vinegar for THAT? She couldn't really figure out the proper starting place. So I did it.

Okay, fine. The batter came out great, we got the cake in the oven. A quick check, though, showed it was a little darker than I thought it should be after 20 minutes (of 55). I looked and thought perhaps the oven was running HOT, b/c last night, when Beloved did the dishes, he left a pot cover over the burner that serves as the vent. So no heat was escaping. Then I realized not only that, but the little dot that I thought was 375, was actually the little dot for 400. Shit.

I think it's okay, though. It's out of the oven now, and cooling. Yeah it's sort of dark around the edges. But. Whatever.

The girls made him cards last night. When they really put their time into making cards, they make masterpieces. E's is like a little scrapbook, and she did a pastel drawing of a sunset on a beach that came out really gorgeous (I may photograph it later and post it).

Now I have to get them to call X.

This is where Father's Day causes angst for my kids. They don't like doing it toward 2 people. They feel/understand/know that they have TWO people to honor on this day, but they wish they could just pick one. But they don't know who to pick. X is their "father" - duh. But Beloved is a huge part of their lives, and plays the role of "dad" 350 days a year. And honestly, he does it a lot better than X.

Well, we're gonna eat coffee cake, and then the girls and I are going to the Town pool. They asked yesterday, and I thought, "I think they can go on their own" (it's 3 blocks away). Then I thought, "Oh! Wait! I am no longer unhappy with my body to the point of not putting on a bathing suit! *I* can go swimming! I can do laps! I can have fun!" So ... I'm going, too.

I was going to go to the gym this a.m., too, but when I got up at 7, I thought calling to see what their Sunday hours are would be a good idea. They opened at noon. Glad I didn't bike over. Since I was going to swim today, I just did some sit ups, push ups and weights here at home.

After the pool, the girls will either a) do something with Beloved, or b) get kicked out to the park with their roller blades and soccer balls while I sit here studying for the fucking bar exam.

Fucking bar exam. I hate you.

Labels: *E*, *J*, beloved, cooking, Father's Day, swimming, X, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 12:06 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Things Adults Are Made Of: Alarm Clocks

My desire to be fit and to keep up with my exercise routines posed a bit of a conundrum for the mornings: I had been waking E at 6:30, and Beloved had been getting up at 7 and waking up J (I usually hopped back into bed once I got E into the shower, and dozed until Beloved's alarm went off). The bar class and the end of the law-school routine meant that if I wanted to go running in the a.m., I'd have to be back to wake E up at 6:30. Beloved and I talked about getting her an alarm clock, but it seemed so ... unreliable. She's just a kid. It would be so easy for her to just turn it off and go back to sleep, and it just didn't seem like something we could trust. We did decide, though, that it wouldn't hurt to try.

But I kept forgetting to buy one for her. So Beloved (the King that he is) started setting HIS alarm for 6:30 so that he could wake her, and I could leave at 5:45 for my run.

Finally, last week, I got her an alarm clock. I sent her off with the instructions to read and to set it up. She did a pretty good job - except didn't have the a.m./p.m. right, so the alarm would have gone off the next evening at 6:30 p.m. But that's exactly why I checked it.

Another funny: She came out saying, "Hey mom, what's a "tuner"? It's one of the choices for the alarm, but I don't understand." The child has an amazing vocabulary - this wasn't a vocab issue. The issue is that she has never really listened to the radio. We don't really listen to the radio. How strange. I grew up with the radio (KC101 out of Hartford/New Haven, to be precise), and so did Beloved. But now --- we listen to XM in the Zipcars and to iPods (and before that, CDs) at home. When we were in Berkeley I listened to the radio some, but only in the car, and she was always in the back seat strapped into her carseat.

It struck me as funny that at almost 11 years of age, she didn't know what a "tuner" is.

Anyway - guess what? The alarm has worked great! The first day, she had it set way too loud, and wasn't sure how to turn it off. To be yanked out of sleep with the thing blaring like that was difficult, and it made J start to cry, and then E went running to sleeping Beloved a little frantic "I can't turn it off! I can't turn it off!" But we adjusted the volume, and now it's going really well.

This morning I asked her why she was running behind, and she said, "well, I don't know. When I left my room, it was 6:31, and I set the timer for my shower for 15 minutes, but when I got back to my room, it was 6:51. So I'm running behind." Her talking about time with such precision made me giggle.

To me, it's another step of independence for her. Honestly, I love this. I am just not one of those moms who sobs as my kids grow up and develop new skills. I'm excited for them. I'm excited to see who they're turning into ... especially since so far, so good :)

Labels: *E*, kids, morning routines, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 3:28 PM 1 comments

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Plays and Puberty

J had a play this weekend. My mom came into town to see it, and Beloved and I went twice. E was going to come last night and miss today (due to the final softball game of the year), but then she ended up going to see Pirates 3 with friends last night, and so she left 1/2 way through her softball game today.

After school on Friday, E was picked up by a friend and went straight to a birthday party which was a sleepover. She was home for a few hours on Saturday, but then went to the movies with 3 other friends. She was dropped off at the site of J's play, and we left from there to a dessert restaurant, and were not home until 9:30. Today, E had cello and softball and then J's play.

So when friends asked us to go to dinner iwth them, I took into account my own exhaustion (see all that up there? Add in 4 hours of bar study per day and very early a.m. wake ups in order to fit it all in) as well as E's increasing grumpiness when I said no. J had tears initially, but by the time we walked home, we'd all come to terms iwth the fact that the best decision was definitely to come home.

Until.

J's friend called again to see if maybe, please, could just J have dinner with them? Beloved and I had a powow, and decided yes, just J *could* have dinner with them.

E cried. It's not fair. I love J better, b/c she's the youngest. I overcompensate J for being the youngest, thinking E gets everything, but instead giving J everything. Why did I buy J flowers for her play? I must love her better. Life is so unfair. Why do I keep telling E she is grouchy and overtired when she is not, it's not her, it's ME (i.e., MOM) who is the problem .... blah blah blah.

I went to give her a hug, and after holding her on my lap for a minute, forcefully told her she had to get in the shower NOW. I immediately, upon hearing the water turn on, went to the internet, and found what I was looking for:

As you enter puberty, the puberty hormones affect the glands that are under your arms and cause you to have "body odor." This is normal and everybody gets it, it can be more intense for some teens, and often you are just unlucky if you have a problem with body odor, but check out that link.

and then:

Many teens DO sweat more when they are growing or while their hormones are still fluctuating.

Phew. But then, the very next paragraph?

Hormones are also responsible for the emotional changes that take place during puberty. You may feel confused, have emotional outbursts, feel sad, or have strong emotions or mood that change quickly. You might be overly sensitive or easily lose your temper. There are those crazy hormones working on you again.

Yeah, no shit.

Labels: *E*, *J*, parenting, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 03, 2007

The Universe is a Sewer System

I was tucking E in tonight, and we were talking a little bit about When I Was a Christian. I told her, as I had in the past, that her father and I were both in a rather extreme religious community when we met and decided to marry, and that we both moved away from it pretty quickly after graduation, but in different ways and in different directions. She then came out with this:

When I think about the stories you tell about your religion when you were younger, and how BIG it was, and all these other stories about your life, and how you used to be and how you are now, I feel like every person is like a drain. Some people are wide drains, and things, like religion and stuff, can just flow right through and not cause a problem, but other people are narrow drains, and religion clogs it up, and you have to pull all that sticky stuff out before you can see everything else. And so then, all these people, with these different drains and openings, they create the whole world, and we all have stuff going through us, but at different speeds, and we're all connected, but we're not all the same, and everything's different for all of us.

I am pretty sure I'm a narrow drain.

Labels: *E*, philosophy, religion

posted by Zuska @ 10:39 PM 2 comments

I am a Studier

Okay - I'm feeling better. J rubbed my back, Beloved gave me Motrin, and I had a hot shower with a massaging, pulsating flow of water. It is not perfect, and I worry about tonight. I don't want to be up all night again and in such pain in the a.m. that I will be in tears while lugging 17 giant books to my class.

I have had some success in my day's studying. I did my first round of practice questions, and am pleased with my 84% accuracy thus far. I clearly don't know the elements of burglary (but can learn them), and felt tricked on the double jeopardy question. But that was only one that I found to be tricky. I hate tricky. I don't mind hard. Hard makes me feel like, "oh, I need to study more," but tricky? Tricky makes me feel like, "Those bastages! Why do they want people to fail???"

Tonight, I have to look at a few essays, and preview Evidence for tomorrow. Which means I have at least 3 hours of work in front of me, still.

My family is utterly exhausted. E just returned home from an all day bday party; J got home at 1-ish, and is practically in a coma, she's so tired. Beloved is exhausted, and I'm exhausted-but-I-can't-be, and still have more to do.

One thing that is kind of bothering me - I'm not sure I'll ever again have time for sex. Time or energy. That's depressing.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar prep, beloved, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 6:31 PM 1 comments

Friday, June 01, 2007

Calgon? Is that stuff even on the market anymore?

I was thinking, "I'm gonna call my friend J, and whine about how stressed I am." Then I thought, "Beloved's gonna call soon, I'm gonna whine to him about how stressed I am." Then I considered calling my mom, and whining to HER about how stressed I am. Then I thought, "why? I have a blog [for who knows how much longer], I'll whine to it about how stressed I am."

[quick aside: I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more than anything else in the world. I like the smell of skunks. I hate the smell of cologne ... but I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more. So when a collection of boys gather right outside my window and smoke like 17 packs of cigarettes, blowing their nasty-ass smoke into my general direction, I get pissy. I am just that pissy right NOW. At the same time, it gave me an excuse to close the windows and turn on the a/c, which I think was a good thing, since I just went into the bathroom and found two rather round and well-formed droplets of sweat on my face.]

I shouldn't get to complain, b/c despite my stress, I just found 20 minutes to sit at a friend's kitchen table and guzzle a glass of wine while hearing a very brief synopsis of relationship history.

But I am complaining anyway.

5:50 a.m.: Wake up; run around reservoir.
7:00 a.m.: Walk in front door, check on E's morning routine progress; usher kids toward proper clothing and breakfast consumption.
7:30 a.m.: sign a flurry of school notices due to be returned TODAY, or else children will shatter, crack, and likely die.
7:45 a.m.: say bye to children.
7:45:05 a.m.: get in shower
8:14 a.m.: Smile at myself in the mirror in my new [smaller] skirt and cute shoes.
8:25 a.m.: Leave for BarBri
9:10 a.m.: Arrive at BarBri; commence guilty feelings for not finishing the condensing of my notes last night; listen in dread to the lists of tasks completed by my classmates while i was attending "Fun Night" at the kids' elementary school, and helping J with her latest school project, due next Weds., but creating stress now.
9:30 a.m.: Watch video about the torture that will be the MBE Exam.
10:00 a.m.: Think, "Oh my God, I cannot listen to Professor [??] Kaufman talk about Agency and Partnership for more than 3 minutes, b/c his voice and mannerisms are going to make my brain detach from my spinal cord ... or something.
10:10 a.m.: Find myself laughing at Professor Kaufman, and realize that his "performance" is clearly calculated to create triggers in our pathetic brains.
1:10 p.m.: Run out of class to the T station where I am forced to wait until
1:30 p.m.: Get on Train
1:50 p.m.: Arrive in parking garage where zipcar is parked; freak out because parking pass thingy is not in car where it's supposed to be, and I cannot get out of the garage b/c I don't have an entry ticket, b/c I came on foot, and paying for parking without an entry ticket will likely cost upwards of $400 [the monthly fee].
1:52 p.m.: Call Zipcar and think about how utterly helpless they are, try to remember how helpful they were on Monday, wonder why they say, "well, if no one there can help you, call us back" - why? Why not just do whatever it is you would do if I called you back NOW??
1:53 p.m.: Leave garage after pushing "help" button and asking the man to lift the gate. [yeah, that was hard. I'm a dork. As we all know.]
2:03 p.m.: Arrive at public library, 30 feet from elementary school, figure out how to put top down on the Mini named Mim; realize it's too fucking hot for the top to be down, and that I wasted $2/hour on a fancy-pants car when all I really want is a/c.
2:04 p.m.: See E, call her to the car.
2:07 p.m.: Get home, call store to see if shirts are in; make list of items to purchase for tomorrow's bday party.
2:14 p.m.: Leave house.
2:30 p.m.: Arrive at Target, realizing that I have eaten nothing but 2 golf-ball sized nectarines and 20 cherries all day. Realize that I have a headache. Realize that I may pass out.
2:45 p.m. Call other mom who's doing this bday party; run choices by her; get new assignments of things to purchase.
2:55 p.m.: Tell E "sure, go ahead and grab a bag of Peanut M&M's"
3:15 p.m.: Get back in car, having all necessary items (except plain M&Ms, meant for the party, but Target ran out, b/c M&Ms were "buy one get one free"), decide to take E to an art store to get a bday gift for her friend's party which is on Sunday, and to stop at Starbucks for a caffeine-free Frappucino for her, and a venti icey non-fat sugar-less coffee for me.
3:25 p.m.: Realize that I'd eaten entirely too many peanut M&Ms.
3:45 p.m.: Feel a sense of pride at speedy errands as I checked out at the art store and wondered if there's still time for a Stop & Shop run to get ingredients for cookies which I Promised 9 year old's I'd make with them tonight during sleep over extravaganza.
4:15 p.m.: Arrive at home; drop off Target bags and E; look up cookie recipes; make list.
4:30 p.m.: Drop off Zipcar; walk to Stop & Shop; call dr.'s office on the way to make appointments for girls' annual physicals.
4:50 p.m.: Call E, tell her I'm on my way home, and that she needs to do her cello practice; clean her room, and pack her overnight bag so I can drop her off at her friend's house on my way to meet J at soccer where J will be dropped off after acting class, because I need to bring J her cleats, etc.
4:53 p.m.: Receive phone call from E's friend's mom [potential new friend] who wants to "stop by" b/c she's driving past the house and she'll just wait for E while E packs bag. I freak out, tell Potential New Friend that my home is not fit for Human Viewing, and that she cannot come to my house, that I will bring E to her .... later. Potential New Friend informs me that i am, in fact, a freak, and now she wants to be my friend even more. he he he.
5:00 p.m.: Arrive home, scurry around the house picking up, putting away eggs [yes, in that order], coaching E through cello practice; making phone calls re: thunder and lightning and their potential effect on soccer practice and alternate plans for J, who can't be dropped off at home while I'm dropping off E.
5:20 p.m.: Leave house with E.
5:30 p.m.: Arrive at Potential New Friend's House. She pours me a glass of wine. I sit. After sitting for literally 4 minutes, cell phone rings with Alternate Plan Mom [also co-bday party mom] saying, "Can I bring the 9 year olds to your house now?" I somehow put her off for "ten minutes"
5:45 p.m.: Finally leave New Friend's house; practically jog (still in pretty new smaller skirt) to my own house, calling Other Mom saying, "okay!! Bring them over now!" Just hoping that I'll get there before her so I don't have to tell her that I chose to sit and have a glass of wine instead of meeting her at my house 15 minutes ago.
6:00 p.m.: 9 year olds get dropped off. I clean a little, e-mail a little, sweat a little, smell a little cigarette smoke, usher 9 year olds and their damned recorders into the bedroom and close the door, and eventually kick them outside once thunder and lightning are gone and sun is back so they can kick the soccer ball.
6:15 p.m. I write this post.

I still have to do a lot. Beloved's at the store (after work) getting stuff for veggie nachos (veggie in honor of our Kosher 9 year old friend, b/c she can't have the meat and cheese together, and I'd rather give up the meat than the cheese ... although I'd also like meat. I guess Beloved could have cooked it up separate, and just sprinkled it on MY nachos. Damn. I wonder if he'll think of that? This is the kind of thing that he always thinks of. I sit here thinking, "oh, too bad I didn't tell him that," and then he comes home with the same thing in mind, and I gush over how wonderful he is, and how we were clearly made for each other, and that he is truly my soul mate, b/c he read my mind, and made my life perfect.)

I have to make cookies. And I have to make a play list. And I wish I saved this cute new skirt for tomorrow at the party ... but I did not.

Uh, Blogger's having an outage in 2 minutes. I better publish this, and go clean more.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, beloved, birthdays, chaos, friends, housework, parenting, rain, soccer, studies, weather, weekends, whining, zipcar, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 6:26 PM 3 comments

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

End of the Break

This 10 days "off" has felt, for the most part, like anything but. I have been so busy and stressed and life has been so full and chaotic.

Today, on my final day before BarBri starts, I slept until 10:30, then slowly got up and dressed for the day, had some coffee, my requisite 2 hard boiled eggs, and hopped on the bike for a ride to the gym. I had a great work out. Except that I have an inexplicable rash on my chest which is exacerbated by sweating, and a great work out = much sweat. So that hurt.

Then I got a phone call from E. Major sidetracking here: E is driving me crazy. She is 10, going on 30, you would think. Today was the third day that she called to ask me permission to leave her after school program and go do something else, b/c she is "bored to death." Last week, she wanted to go to her friend's house. I said, "is her mom home?" No. Then you can't go! We've had this conversation 100,000 times. She may not go to a friend's house if there are no adults home! if adults are home for the most part, and they need to run to the store, or pick up a younger sibling - FINE. But if they're not home at all, and have no intention to be -NO NO NO!!

She and her friend came here, instead, while Beloved and I were prepping for J's bday party. Which was fine with me - I'm comfortable with her friends, and had no problem telling them that they could either go out back to the park, or bring the recycling down to the basement and empty the trash [they chose the work over the park ... dorks].

Today she calls me on my cell phone as I'm waiting for my smoothie to be properly blended and while I'm cursing that 411 doesn't have a listing for BarBri so that I could call and get directions from the T -- "Mom, can I go to S's house?" Uh, is S's mom home? "Uh, no, but pleeeeeeese????" No, E, you may not. go. to. a. friend's. house. if. their. parents. are. not. there!!!

"Well, can we go to our house?"

No, E, I am not home. I am going to Boston to get my damned book.

"Okay. Um. Well, S2 and I have research to do at the library, can we go to the library?"

Damn these kids to hell. Why do I pay $500/mo for her to have the after school program just for her to think of any excuse to blow it off? And why oh why oh why am I having to deal with my kid begging for freedom when she's TEN. Is this appropriate? 10? Really?

So, they've been at the library for an hour, and now it's time for me to go "visit" them. He he he.

I have the "second half" of my BarBri books. Half? This is like, the 2nd 2/3ds. It's a much bigger box than the first half! Not halves, then!!

Also, it's really hot out, and I wasn't appropriately dressed for biking in this heat. 2 layers of shirts and long pants? No. Not smart.

Time to go harass the kids.

I am going to seriously have a talk with E tonight, b/c this has to stop - I'm not going to fail the bar exam b/c I'm so busy fielding phone calls about how "bored to death" she is, and she can't have friends over every day ... or I'll fail the bar exam. I can probably let her have a day a week that she comes home with a friend, and perhaps I'll give her some $$ so they can stop on the way home and pick up a [cold] snack, and therefore leave me alone while I'm in my room studying.

grrrr to older kids. grrrr.

Labels: *E*, bar prep, exercise, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 3:44 PM 0 comments

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Spinning Top

I graduated on Friday. See how happy that seems to make me? *

Apparently, however, I've been under some stress this week. Between traveling to see the baby, graduating from law school, ushering my daughter through her 9th year, and traveling back to home state to see the baby again --- physical symptoms of the stress have struck me in the form of multiple cold sores, which tends to be the plague of Zuska. I can handle all this stuff, I can do it, and be mostly okay, but my body says, "bullshit, woman, this is too much!" and waa laa! My lip is swollen, and all I want to do is hide in my house.

Or in this case, my mother's house.

J's bday went well. She enjoyed her gifts - especially the roller blades that grandma and grandpa gifted her with. They also gave E a pair, which tends to go against my usual beliefs about siblings receiving gifts when it's not their birthday - but in this case, it was for the best. J won't want to go rollerblading on her own, and if E has some, too, they can do it together, and therefore more often. Her paternal grandmother sent her knitting supplies, which she enjoys a great deal (weirdo).

Graduation also went well. There isn't too much to say about it ... the ceremony was fine. I was not impressed with our faculty speaker .... our commencement speaker was no biggy. Our student speakers (who are elected by the student body b/c we don't have class rank) were really good, and I especially like the one who I nominated. She ended her speech with a rap. She was so cute. I wish I knew her better.

We came home from graduation and my parents and I all napped for an hour before we went out to dinner. Dinner was really good, and then we went home and I crashed .... well, after I tried to sort through clothes in my room.

I'm having a horrid time with clothes right now. I've gone down a size and a half, pretty much, and don't really have clothes. The clothes I had been wearing were stretched with belts for a while, but now I'm to the point where they look like clown pants. I bought a few things to carry me through - not wanting to buy too much, b/c I want to keep shrinking.

I was afraid to get rid of the useless ones, though. Like I said previously, I can't continue with the gym, and it's hard for me to wake in the a.m. So what if I end up needing that bigger size again? Beloved said - no. Get rid of the clothes. He said I won't need them again, he knows I'll keep up with the exercise, and if over time, I do need the bigger size again, I should buy new things that are in style, etc. (In style? Me?)

And so, my mom offered to take them. I put them all in big garbage bags, and she's throwing them all into her attic. Which meant I had to get it done. Great night-after-graduation activity? No?

THEN I crashed.

Now I'm back in home state. I spent the afternoon at my brother's, but was unable to hold the baby b/c of the stupid cold sores. J did great with him, though, and loved holding him and seeing him. I actually was going to stay home (hello? exhaustion? stress?) - but J really wanted to see her cousin.

We played Scrabble last night ... J, my mom and I. I left E home with Beloved, and they watched movies that J can't tolerate (she can't do intensity - regardless of the rating), and who knows what they're doing today ... if they're even awake.

This week ... BarBri starts! Woo hoo. Yippeee. Yikes.

Oh yeah, and prepping for J's bday party (joint party with her BFF whose bday is a week after hers) which is on Saturday. Groan.

*So yeah, I decided to supply a face with the blog ... considering that we're in the end-stages of this journey here, and I know I'll be closing up shop at the end of the summer, and that I'm likely identifiable already by anyone who knows me, and by anyone who wants to figure out who I am.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar prep, everything, graduation

posted by Zuska @ 11:53 AM 7 comments

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Growing Pains

I am really glad that the school confronts adolescence head on. E is in 5th grade, and it's time for them to start to learn about development and puberty, etc.

Today, E brought a friend home with her from school. Straight in the door "oh, we saw this movie in our class today," and "we saw that, too - it isn't fair that the girl section is 15 minutes and the boy section is like 30 seconds. We are so unfortunate." "yeah, someone in my class asked 'why does a penis get hard?' and the teacher made us a diagram." Someone else's 10 year daughter using her finger to depict the penis in its flacid, semi-erect, and fully erect state.

Nice.

The conversations that just went on after dinner (just our family) sent Beloved running from the room out of fear that he'd say something inappropriate ... E came out with, "[it ocurrs to me that repeating this conversation will result in many search hits which I'm not really looking for]." Basically, Beloved and I were trying to stop ourselves from saying things that would clue the girls into knowing that we are, in fact, despite our status as their parents, sexual beings. We know the things that they're learning right now b/c of experience - and the girls don't want (or need) to think/know about this right now. So we'll just stifle our thoughts, keep from sharing our inside knowledge, and smile later at the kids' ability to be so very candid and open, and comfortable while talking about hand-held mirrors and the benefits of knowing where all your equipment is located.

Phew.

We're watching American Idol. I am leaving 1/2 way through to go my book group where I can make sourpuss faces at the book - Eat, Pray, Love. I think I'm NOT a memoir person. If I don't know someone - I don't care 300 pages worth about their life. Not if they're just some chick who got sad so traveled to some different countries. She's just some chick!!!

Labels: *E*, *J*, American Idol, school

posted by Zuska @ 7:53 PM 1 comments

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Ham

E was in a play this weekend with her community theater program. It was an adaptation of Shakespeare's 12th Night, which I will admit I had zero familiarity with. E's part was pretty small - she was part of the very adapted "chorus." They were a goofy troupe of actors, re-enacting the play in a humorous manner every now and again when it was assumed that the audience was left confused by either the intracacies of the plot, or the oversimplification of the plot necessary to the adaption for 9-12 year olds to perform the play.

E seems to have been pegged a ham. She is funny. She has no problem over-acting, and she's very charismatic. She had a slightly hammy part in Peter Pan - she was the little brother Michael.

People love her. They love her smile and her exuberance and her ability to get lost in her part. She's really very adorable up on stage. VERY adorable. (She might be getting too old for that word to accurately describe her.) I don't understand where her comfort on stage comes from. Sure as hell not from me. She has no problem forgetting that there is an audience, and just going with it.

I got so many compliments about her after both productions - sometimes, I don't know how to handle them. It feels sort of trite when someone says, "E was so great! She's such a natural!" for me to say, "oh, L was fantastic, too! I loved her song!" I feel like I'm reading lines in a play myself. One person even said to me, "Zuska, E was so fantastic, I swear, I could see her on Broadway one day!" and to that, I just laughed.

We went out to dinner after last night's play at our local Vietnamese place. It was delicious, and we all ate a ton of FANTASTIC food, and I had a basil martini. I love drinks with basil in them. Yummy.

Unfortunately, on Saturday night between the productions, E ended up upset with X again. Notice, there are no posts about him being in town. He did not come. Last I spoke with him, he said he'd "try" - but that he didn't have much notice [it was last weekend ... but we told him about it in March, too]. She ended up upset about her entire relationship with him, and was complaining about how awkward she feels with him, and how she always feels like he's just "pretending" and that he's like an "actor."

Yet again --- she is seeing on her own one of the reasons why her father and I are no longer together, and once again, I'm feeling badly for her that she can't walk away as I did.

Labels: *E*, acting, weekends, X

posted by Zuska @ 9:07 AM 0 comments

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