parens binubus

more than you want to know about a law school graduate/bar examinee who is also raising two children and doing her best at being a partner to her love.

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  • Wednesday, May 31, 2006
    Six Snippets
    I am really, truly and absolutely exhausted. This is going to be (as usual) a rambling post, motivated by my guilt in not keeping up with the blog lately.

    1) Our black kitty, named Trixie, was very friendly to me today. I have posted in the past about how she hates me, and runs away from me, and how I don't like that, b/c I've always been a cat person, and I've always been the person that even grouchy cats love. Today, she jumped up next to me on the couch, and she rubbed on me, and loved on me, and was very sweet. It made my day.

    2) Summer job is just so-so thus far. I really do feel as if the work could be more fun/challenging/representative/just MORE. One of my supervising attorneys is very pregnant, and the other is so busy right now, he can't see straight. I think that the preggo one is kind of killing time herself until the baby's born, and therefore, is trying to think of ways to have ME kill time. Today I was given the epitome of sucky associate/summer associate assignments: Discovery Review. I have stacks and stacks and stacks of paper to go through.

    Perhaps I should see it as a good thing that I don't have to put too much time into the review of these stacks of paper, b/c the summer program keeps us so busy with play. But I do not feel that way. I would rather get more of a sense of the work. Today I went to lunch with a few associates and a few fellow summers .... we were gone from the office for literally THREE hours!! Three!!! We returned at ... three. We had three courses. On my dessert dish were three little golf ball sized scoops of sorbet. the number of bites i took of the sorbet -- three. b/c otherwise, i would have POPPED.

    This is not reality. This is not what associates do (well, document review, yes - but three hour lunches? I think not). This does not let me know if my family can bear the hours of this job. It does not help me to see if the work is engaging. I left at 5:10, and was the last to go (of the summers).

    I did, however, sign up for a pro bono project today. It is all constitutional and first amendmenty and stuff, so I'm pleased about that. If I could find a way to build a career on constitutional and first amendmenty stuff, I would.

    3) I am very proud of myself, b/c I just spent 20 minutes in my bedroom putting away clothes and other messes that I have been putting off for weeks. I was putting it off b/c I thought it would take hours. It took 20 minutes. I always do that. Mostly with the dishes. I think I don't have time to do the dishes, that it will keep me from the things I must do (this is mostly while I'm in school) then when I finally do them, it takes like 5 minutes, tops.

    4) My beloved finished working on friday for the summer. i LOVE him being home. he had an interview yesterday for a part-time gig that would be a wee bit of a dream coming true for him. Fingers are crossed in this house.

    5) I did push ups yesterday, and my arms and chest and back are sore in places that they really need to be sore. I also went running. I did not go running today, b/c last night, I went to a firm function that had much to do with wine. Therefore, I needed sleep this morning.

    6) I submitted a rough draft of the project I'm working on for the judge yesterday. I want to be done. I want to read a novel. I want to watch West Wing. I want to go to the library.
    posted by Zuska @ 9:42 PM   0 comments
    Monday, May 29, 2006
    My City
    You Belong in Dublin

    Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
    You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

    As seen over at Lawmummy's place. [her city was Amsterdam ... I'm jealous].
    posted by Zuska @ 11:50 AM   1 comments
    Friday, May 26, 2006
    The end (or not)
    I left off where things were quiet. I honestly do not remember more than that. Until around September, so 6 or 7 months after I found out about the $25,000 being from the Professor, and not from the school.

    To fill in -- when I was told about the $25,000, Ex told me that he did not know for certain that the $$ was from the professor until soon before, but that he had an inkling for a long time. he said that when he went to pick up the first disbursement check, it was actually 2 checks comprising the first half of the $$, and something about the manner of the transaction felt "off." he said at that point, he feared the worst.

    I do not believe him. I think he knew all along. he is a taker. He will take anything that he thinks people can or will spare. I know that he went to the 'wealthy' members of his church (his mother's church) before law school, and asked them if they could help finance his education. I think that's weird. But it's also an indication that he had no problem taking money from anyone who he could get it from. he also was very big on asking me to pick up the phone to call my parents for help. I fully believe that he took that money from the professor knowingly and without remorse, guilt, or trepidation.

    His father was making payments, Thing One was getting older. Around her first birthday, there was a quick flare up. We received a call from a sherriff or the police or something, saying that they got a phone call from the Professor, and that she said it was an emergency that the Ex call her. I believe this was because he was ignoring her phone calls. This was still pre-e-mail enough that the phone was the major form of communication. Phones which were attached to walls --- not phones in the pocket.

    that day, we changed our phone number to an unlisted one. Probably within the month, I ended up pregnant with Thing Two. We were Moving On.

    This is mostly the end of the story. There were times over the next few years that she would call, or she would email him. One time was during the demise of our marriage. This email came to me. The subject line said it was for him, but it was to my account. In it, she said something about him needing to deal with the fall out of their time together, and that he needed to make things right by Enrique. I don't have ANY CLUE who that is, but the implication was, and has been acknowledged many times as such by the Ex, that they had a child together.

    When he was in law school (when she was actually his professor) rumors had gone around that she was pregnant. then that she had gone up to D.C. to get an abortion (was Alabama that backward?) I remember him telling me this "rumor" in an odd manner.

    I do not know if it is something at all based in reality, but I do wonder if they have a child together. If so, it would likely be older than Thing One. So odd.

    While we were breaking up, he told me more things about that time. he told me that he used to leave school at 8 p.m., and then go to a pay phone, and talk to her on the phone for hours. He also told me that she spent several weeks (months?) in berkeley around the time that i found that poem in his bag. He told me that she had been calling his department at school, and leaving dozens of messages, and it being embarassing, and so he had to keep calling her, and he had to let her be in town.

    He also told me that while he was still in law school, she kissed him. and that the whole thing started b/c they had shared stories about childhood molestation with each other. and that was the reason for the connection, not a sexual relationship. he never had told me any such story, and continued to refuse to tell me. [actually, this came up way before the demise of our relationship]. I still don't know what it is he shared with her. That still bothers me, too. he told me that it was because "he couldn't trust me." I have NO CLUE what that was supposed to mean.

    I know that since we separated, and he's been in the Middle of the Country, she's contacted him a few times. Once it was in a moment of clarity, where she gave him a list of conferences she was intended to participate in, asking him not to. Other times were more of the old harassment. He has called me to let me know that if the girls needed to talk to him, we needed to email, b/c he was leaving his phone unplugged.

    He called me about a week ago. It seemed to be that he wanted to discuss the girls' summer trip, and perhaps Thing Two's birthday. But then he nervously started in with, "I think you should know something, and I'm sure it won't amount to anything, but I think I should tell you, and it's probably best that you're prepared ...." but that She had emailed him again, and it was a long and rambling message that ended with a threat that if he does not respond, she will contact me.

    I asked him if she knows that we're divorced. Why would she contact ME? I don't care anymore. Call me! Tell me you had an affair with my husband. Tell me that you are raising his 10 or 11 year old child. I don't care!! he said no - she definitely knows that we're divorced. I asked him WHY would I still be the threat? Why would she be holding onto ME as the bait? She should call his mother (who knows NOTHING of this story) or his fiance/girlfriend (who I just found out knows NOTHING of this story). He implied that she had good reason to still contact me. I have no idea what that good reason is.

    OH!! I forgot something important.

    Not only had she always been threatening to contact me (and at one point, his mother) - but she was also threatening to tell the academic community that he plagerized her work. That the help she gave him during his first semester of his Ph.D. was not help - but rather, him stealing her work, and that, basically, his entire Ph.D. is her stolen work. She has been threatening to ruin his name in the academic community.

    There have been times that I wished she would.

    People know she's a little bit flipped her lid, though, and I'm not sure how much credit they'd give her.

    This recent "threat" that she's going to contact me, however, is what has this on my mind again. When he told me about it, the following exchange took place:

    Him: This is so frustrating. Everytime i think that this is over, and i can put it behind me, she pops back up again.
    Me: I think it's appropriate. I think you deserve this.
    Him: You know, I probably do. Not for the reasons you think, but I probably do.
    Me: Even if the only thing you did was take her money, you deserve this.
    Him: [laugh] I think you're right.
    Me: You made your bed, and now you have to lie in it.
    Him: [laugh] appropriate metaphor.

    Even though it may be hard to prove proximate cause, I fully blame my divorce on this situation. The fact that once the mess ended, we stayed married, had another child, and moved across country together twice may lead some (him) to say that it had nothing to do with the end of our marriage. but that's not true. she was always between us. Our life was always something molded by her. There was also always the threat of her coming back. There was always the erosion of trust, the questions, and the doubt. This was the FOUNDATION of our marriage.

    Geez, the first 2 little pigs thought THEIR houses were weak!!!

    [the end].
    posted by Zuska @ 11:12 PM   3 comments
    Thursday, May 25, 2006
    too tired
    i went to the red sox game tonight. i found it quite boring. i still want to bring the kids, and beloved. but hopefully to a more interesting opponent.

    i cannot post my Part III of the story tonight. i'm sure that leaves just HORDES of people on the edge of their seats. wink wink nudge nudge.

    tomorrow is a new day. (in which i will be at work, where i refuse to touch the blog or anything blog-related with a TWENTY foot pole). I will do my best to post the ending tomorrow.
    posted by Zuska @ 11:29 PM   0 comments
    Wednesday, May 24, 2006
    Part II
    I'm exhausted -- and I'm writing this while working on my project for the judge AND watching Lost. Thing Twosies had her bday today. It went as well as a ridiculously full day can go. We had ice cream sundaes, and they were yummy.

    Work turned into real work today! Things went well. I found myself sooooo happy that I suffered through Corporations all last quarter. I knew at the time that it wasn't the material that was bothering me as much as the class itself. The professor, the way the class was run, all of that. But I did learn something, b/c when a Rule 10b-5 issue came up, it was NOT Greek to me. Woo hoo!!

    Now, onto the rest of the story [sigh. this is always a VERY emotionally draining story to re-live.]


    We left off with me forgiving and forgetting the gift of $$ from the Bad Lady. During the next semester, He was working on a paper which was an expansion of his law school "thesis" (what they were calling the writing requirements at the time). She was helping him. She was calling a lot, still. I remember one day she called, right after Thing One was born, and she asked how I was doing, and I said I was fine. She asked if I was tired, that after her daughter was born, pregnant, she was tired all the time. I said no, I felt great and was not tired at all. I was snotty. How big and strong of me.

    I was lost in my own world for some time. Thing One was very little, Schlurg was honestly never around. I was a bit out of it, I think. I don't even remember those initial months. I know that Schlurg and I were so miserable, and at one point, we were talking about me leaving and spending some time with my parents. I remember one night, after I finally got the baby to sleep, I went to bed. Schlurg and I were either fighting - or so distant that we had not enough feeling for one another to fight. he was asleep, and i was awake, and miserable. Lying in bed next to him, while he was snoring, thinking of how awful things were. I spoke aloud - quietly - but aloud. "I hate you. I hate you so much, and i am so unhappy, and I hate this life, and I hate you hate you hate you for making me this way."

    He told me later - many years later - during the divorce - that he was not asleep. He heard everything I said. He said nothing to me - not then, not the next day.

    Then one day, we got a hang up call. We often got these hang up calls. I had become accustomed to them - they were almost constant in our entire marriage. This day, things were bad, I was in a bad mood, and when the hang up call went away, I dialed *69. I did this often with the hang up calls, but almost every time, I would get the message about the number being out of the calling area. This time, She answered the phone on the other end.

    I was not surprised that it was her voice. (her voice was VERY distinctive, and I'm sure it still is. It's a smoker's voice like you would not believe.) It took me a very little while after the call was over to realize that if she answered the phone .... she was not in the state where she was supposed to be. She was there. In CA. And local.

    Right after I used *69, the phone rang again (within 5 minutes), and this time, she asked for my husband. I told her he wasn't home, and she asked that he call her. She did not leave a number. He got home, I told him to call her, and he did. We had plans .... I forget where we were going, but it was something for me (I can't imagine what that was - I had no life. I think it may have been a book reading at a local bookstore). But he left. he went to meet her at a cafe. (he told me she was in town, and insisted on seeing him, and he had to go).

    When he returned, he told me that she was "messed up" - and then we did whatever it was we had planned for that night.

    one day soon after, Schlurg's father called. Schlurg's father NEVER called. He and Schlurg's mother were divorced when he was 3, and his father moved to another country. I saw him less than 5 times in our entire marriage. for about 2 hours, tops, each time. So it was very odd that he called.

    I remember that Schlurg was in the shower. When I told him that his father was on the phone, he JUMPED out of the shower, soap in his hair, grabbed a towel, and in 2 seconds was in his study with the door closed. he was wet (obviously) and had stepped on our floor heater, and burned it. I heard it sizzle. It turned into blisters.

    They were on the phone for some time. Schlurg then got back in the shower to rinse off, dressed, and came to talk to me. He told me that [brace yourself] the Professor had personally funded the $25,000 "fellowship." She had since then sort of cracked. Her husband found out that she cleaned out their savings, and was pissed. She then started talking about things like ... alternate realities. Apparently [according to Schlurg] her first phase was saying that Schlurg was Christ come again, and she was ... i don't know, his wife. Then she was begging him to .... um, live with her. That they could both teach at a school across the water, and have an apartment in the city. He asked what she proposed he was to do with me, and she said he could have us both. One on each side of the Bay, apparently. Then, when he did not acquiesce, she instead said that he was Satan. The antichrist. All kinds of weird things. Also according to him, she started to have some time-shifting issues. Where she thought they were in the very distant past together.

    Somehow, in this state, she managed to call his father (in another COUNTRY - they don't even have the same last name!!! How was she to know how to contact him? How did she know the country? How did she know how to find him?) and tell him that if he did not give her $25,000, she would tell ME about their affair. I guess she demanded that Schlurg pay her back, but he refused, on account of us barely making our rent each month. I think her husband was involved in these demands.

    the deal was that Schlurg's father would make monthly payments if Professor and her husband promised not to contact ME. Schlurg's father did not believe him when he said that there was, in fact, no affair. Schlurg's father had affairs aplenty, and he was always quite miffed when Schlurg's mother interfered, or got upset. So for him, this was not really such a big deal.

    Professor and her husband did not hold their half of the bargain. The husband called me. He yelled at me. I don't remember the specifics. I remember I was scared, and confused, and didn't want to believe any of this. I also remember that day so well. So many things were blowing up - the phone calls (hang ups, yelling, incoherent babbling) were going on all day - Schlurg was at the school, in the library, working. Thing One was 6 months old, and she obviously picked up on the tension, b/c I think she slept for 24 hours straight that day.

    Schlurg went about his business. He played basketball, he went to school at 7, and was home around 11. I was scared. I pictured this woman trying to break into my home. Showing up at my doorstep, trying to hurt my baby. Her husband showing up with a gun. I closed my curtains, and I hid inside.

    Her husband called babbling about how my husband made this mess, and it was his job to make things right - that it was his responsibility - that it was the right thing to do - nothing specific, nothing to clear things up - and I didn't have the guts to ask --- not yet. First he asked to talk to Schlurg. I said "who's this?" and he said "let me talk to schlurg!!!" i said he wasn't home - and he swore and cursed, and then babbled.

    That night, Schlurg was all apology, and Mr. Sad, all "oh, you were right all along, this is so awful, i'm so sorry i've put you through this." We watched a movie. It was something with Salma Hayek - Fools Rush In.

    I don't remember sequentially where it happened - but one day, while Schlurg was playing basketball, I went through his stuff. I found a poem in his school bag written in her handwriting - it was not a fax, it was original ink. I felt like that meant he had seen her, had been receiving mail from her, or something face-to-face. When I confronted him with it, he said he had "no idea" how it ended up in his bag.

    I also went through his study. [and i defy someone to tell me that was wrong of me, at this point]. I found something that is likely the thing that troubles me most to this day - it was the notepad he had with him when he went to CA to find us a place to live. I knew that he stayed in the Claremont Hotel in berkeley, b/c SHE had a coupon for a free stay. I knew that she had hooked him up with people in the area, and that she gave him leads. but this was a notepad with addresses he had written down while there, and right in the middle of the page, was her handwriting.

    I think she was there with him. I asked him once - I think during our divorce (which was, to give some context, at least 3 years after this chaos). He denied it. But i remember while he was gone, and I was staying behind in Alabama. She called toward the end of his stay, and I knew at the time that it was odd that she called. She was the one who sent him on the trip. She KNEW he was gone!! I think that she was with him, and she called the house in order to cover themselves in my eyes.

    Yet, I let it all go. i said okay. I wanted to be happy and safe. I didn't want to tell anyone that my marriage was fucked up. Our families were (are still) born-agains. So was almost all of our social contacts. how could I be *that person*? How could I do that to my kids? (oh, it was singular then). Furthermore, how could I survive? Thing One and I were practically symbiotic. I couldn't WORK. I couldn't support myself. I didn't want to run home to mommy and daddy.

    So I let it go. I believed him. I tried to be happy.

    And the next 6 months, as far as I can remember, were relatively quiet.

    Tomorrow will have to bring Part III. I really need to wake up early tomorrow and go running.
    posted by Zuska @ 10:01 PM   0 comments
    Out of nowhere
    I was browsing my local newspaper this morning, and saw that our State House of Representatives killed the Seatbelt Law that I was following super closely during my winter co-op!! I was against the bill, personally, and my organization didn't take an official position. I was especially struck by all the rhetoric that was being thrown around, the emotional manipulation used in the debates, and the way that calling something a "public safety bill" was used like a magic phrase to completely erase any constitutional concerns. I'm not sure the constitutional concerns were founded - there was a vague "unsettlingness" about it - and some of the parallels that were being drawn didn't cut it for me, but it was the knee-jerk reaction that was expected by the claims of "public safety" that bothered me most.
    posted by Zuska @ 6:59 AM   0 comments
    Tuesday, May 23, 2006
    The Bad Lady - Part I
    I was married for about 6 months when Schlurg decided to take a less traditional law school class. His professor was a new one, a woman. He was talking about her a lot pretty quickly, and the way he was talking about her led to the following conversation one day:

    Him: Professor ___ this, and Professor ____ that, and then Professor ____ said this, and then she did that, and then I said to her this, and she said to me that I'm so smart, that she can't believe I'm not at YALE, and that she thinks I should teach.
    Me: How old is Professor _____?
    Him: Oh, she's OLD. Like ... 40?
    Me: What does she look like?
    Him: Um, the only thing that really stands out about her is she has really big earlobes.
    Me: What?
    Him: Yeah, i'm not sure if it's b/c she always wears big earrings, and they've stretched them out, or if she wears big earrings to cover up her big earlobes.

    For some time after that, I was okay with things. We were married only 6 months, so we were "in love" (right?). And he said she was old. FORTY something.

    Next semester, she asked him to co-author an article with her. Things got a bit sticky after that. Not all memories are clear (this was, after all, about 11 years ago). I remember at one point, we went to her house for a dinner party, and she cornered me and the following exchange happened:

    Her: I'm working on convincing your husband to get his Ph.D. and teach ... I'm sure that would put a wrench in your plans.
    Me: I'm sorry, my "plans?"
    Her: Well, he won't be a rich lawyer if he gets his Ph.D., i'm sure that will be very hard for you.
    Me: I guess you weren't aware, but law students don't get paid -- he wasn't making money when we got married, and he's not making money during our marriage. Obviously, that's fine with me.
    Her: hahahahahahaha. We'll see.

    From here, everything went seriously down hill. He was gone all the time - at her house. Working on the article. She called our house constantly. I was less and less comfortable with the situation. I hated to broach it with him, b/c I knew it made me come off as a jealous wife. But I honestly am NOT the jealous type, and as things unfolded, my instincts were spot-on. But his response was one of condescension, of dismissal, and of rudeness. He would say things like, "well, if you had any real academic experience, you would know that THIS is the way that true student/professor relationships are supposed to be." He would also say things like, "it's so nice to be in the presence of a truly intelligent woman." She was sooooo intellectually stimulating.

    One Saturday morning, at about 6:45 a.m., our phone rang. It was (guess!) her. She said something, Schlurg's face fell, and he got up and got dressed. I asked where he was going. he said he had to go meet her. i asked why. he said he did not know. I said it was wholly inappropriate for her to be calling him at 6:45 a.m., on a Saturday and insisting that he go meet her. He said that she wouldn't ask if it weren't necessary.

    He returned at noon, and sat me down for a "talk." [he said] She had called him into her office to tell him that a classmate of his was "spreading a rumor" that professor _____ and he were having an affair. She thought that he should hear about it from her. I don't know what happened during the other 5 hours and 10 minutes that he was gone. i questioned the wisdom in responding to a supposedly unfounded accusation with more fuel for the accusations (i.e., a one on one meeting in a professor's office at 7 a.m. on a saturday). he told me i was dumb, in so many words.

    I guess my 22 year old self then decided to lay down some "ground rules." Schlurg knew that this was a really crappy situation for me. His classmates knew me, I had gone to events and functions - and they knew of this rumor. I said that from now on, I did not want her calling the house. i did not want them alone together. That it was unfair for me to end up looking so damned STUPID (ha! little did i know).

    He said okay.

    one week later, he called me at work to apologize that he just wasn't able to say no - she had asked to take him to lunch to celebrate something or other - what did i expect him to say? "my wife won't let me"? I feel as though they must have run into someone they knew at the restaurant, and he was afraid it would have gotten back to me ... why else would he have called?

    In the meantime, he was applying to Ph.D. programs. I was devestated. See, at this point, Thing One was baking. My belly was growing. I was 22 years old. he was applying to Yale (which he did not get into), and to U.C. She wanted him in U.C. She had an old professor there that she wanted him to study under. She wrote letters to both places. I said I didn't see how he could start a Ph.D. program immediately after law school, with me 8 months pregnant at the point he was to start.

    Small amount of context: I was still a born-again Christian. he already was shedding it, but was not honest with me about how much. We had already been looking at churches other than the Southern Baptist, but hadn't found a place we were comfortable. But were still immersed enough that it was a given when I got pregnant that I would NOT be working when the baby was small. I got pregnant after he accepted a job at a firm. He was due to start before the baby was to be born.

    We talked about it, and I cried to my mother on the phone, and she suggested I pray about it. The Bad Lady had told Schlurg that there was "fellowship money" available at UC, and since it was a public school, it would be affordable. So I prayed that God let his will be known --- if we were "meant to go" - then we would get a fellowship. If we did not, then we could discern that it was not God's will for us to move to California.

    I told Schlurg that this was the way I felt. That we could not up and go to California with me 8 months pregnant without some kind of financial security. He said okay, and I guess he called the Bad Lady and let her know "our position."

    The $$ and the baby weren't the only issues, of course. There was this other woman pushing MY husband down HER chosen path for HIS life. It was very very difficult to watch. he had just come off a summer where he'd split b/t two firms, gotten offers at both, done good work, and was happy with the people he was to work with. And this woman was able to completely derail all of the things that he had planned - that we had planned. Mostly (as I saw it at the time) through flattery. She heaped the praise on him like there was no tomorrow. How intelligent he was, how gifted, how he was "meant" for this line of work. How it was his destiny - he was one of the chosen few. Practically like he was Aristotle. I hated taht she was driving him.

    one week later, we received a letter that Schlurg received a $25,000 fellowship for the first year of his studies.

    I was also told at this point that it was a masters program, and that he was just deferring his job for a year. He later told me that it is what the Bad Lady told him, and that he was shocked to find out that there was in fact, no masters program for this area (which i cannot share due to the field being quite small), and that he had actually enrolled in a 6+ year Ph.D. Program. He told me the day I arrived in our home in California. We all know what that's like, right? You enroll thinking one thing, and LOW AND BEHOLD!!! I had no idea that law school was 3 years!! I thought this was a 6 month certification program!! Everybody does that, right?

    I was 22. I was 8.2 months pregnant with this boy's child. So yes, I believed him. All around.

    Another small amount of context: Schlurg went to college with me. He went to law school at a 4th tier school, and he had a C average. He was/is very smart, but most of law school wasn't clicking for him. But then he took that ... and he was one of 5 admits to a really phenominal program. Of hundreds of applications around the country - he was one of 5. Why? b/c of the Bad Lady. She made a call to a professor who owed her favors on a personal level, and who was on the admissions committee. Schlurg would never have gotten into that program without her. Once there, he did excel, and he did do well. But he wouldn't have had the chance on his own.

    Approximately two weeks after we arrived, Schlurg was at school, and I was home setting up the baby's room. the mail came. It was one of the high points of my day. I knew no one in CA, I did not know the area. I was lonely as HELL. he was up and gone by 7, and often not home until 11. We didn't have cable. It was 1996 ... we didn't yet have internet (we got it soon after, though). So yeah, the mail was the high point of my day. Yes, I was pathetic.

    In the mail was an envelope from our bank. I opened it. It was a joint account -- I had that right. Inside the envelope was a check, which had bounced. It was a check which he had deposited. A $500 check. She had written it to him, and he had deposited it, but then pulled cash. She had actually post-dated the check, but he didn't pay attention to that, so it bounced. I also found out later she had sent cash along with it.

    For one afternoon, I saw this as confirmation of all my worst fears. Confirmation that he was having an affair with her. Confirmation that all the condescension and rottenness that he had inflicted on me was all a cover for his inappropriate behavior. I remember that I could not breathe. I was due to give birth to his child. I was 3000 miles away from my family, I knew no one, and I had this THING in my hand.

    I decided that I would go home to my parents. We had already "named" Thing One, but I decided I would not use that name - I would move back east, choose a new name, and raise her on my own. I would spend time with her while she was young, and then I would go to law school, and when I was ready, I would move out of my parents' house, and my child and I would be more than fine.

    But then Schlurg got home, and asid that the only reason he hadn't told me about the $$ she sent was b/c I was so bad with money, he felt that he needed a safety net, and that's what this was providing. He didn't know why she sent it, but he thought she just felt bad that we were there b/c of her, and things were so expensive.

    So i said okay. i listened to that. I never saw the $$. The cash nor the $$ from the check. I think that she (who was also married, and had a 3 year old daughter) also got in trouble for this little transfer of funds, b/c things only got worse from here, although there was a few months respite in between.

    I'll try to pick it up tomorrow. Stay tuned for extortion, stalking, threats, and tales of the fear I had for the safety of myself and my child.
    posted by Zuska @ 9:49 PM   3 comments
    What am I getting paid for, anyway?
    Day Two is over at Summer Firm. I had orientation all day yesterday, with a little down time in the afternoon before heading to a lovely reception for the evening. The downtime in between was okay. I opened my giant cache of office supplies, put things away, looked around at the junk mail that my firm email account had accumulated in the week between its being set up and my arrival. Chatted with some fellow Summers.

    Today, however, I had even MORE downtime. I was not the only one - but not everyone was twiddling their thumbs, either. Today I set up my voice mail, put my paperclips into their little holder, staples in my stapler, and tape in the tape dispenser.

    I also got my crackberry. It is not fully enabled ... there's no phone function. No internet. But I can get my firm email, my firm address book, and my firm calendar. And Brick Breaker. But the little click wheel is too clunky for me to be successful with that game.

    i have a meeting at 8:45 with the attorney that I'll be working with on the litigation side. And then, hopefully, I'll have some actual WORK. I have no more office supplies to organize!

    One thing that surprised me ... we walked in on Monday morning to a speech from the hiring partner that they have every intention of hiring all of us (and the number is not a small one). I had heard that once you're in for the summer, "the offer is yours to lose" - but I didn't think they'd be so up front about it. and so quickly.

    Tomorrow is my first true "lunch out." I had a first year associate come to visit today, and she was trying to tell my office mate and I (we share a beautiful corner office with a huge window overlooking the Charles River and, I think, if I squint my eyes tight, my house) that we should not be working hard at all. That they don't expect us there past 5, and that they wouldn't even care if we didn't finish our assignments. That it is intended to be the "Summer of Fun."

    After she left, we decided that we are IGNORING her.

    Although today, I did stop twiddling my thumbs at 5, and I went home. The attorney I will be working with was en route back to Boston from NY, and we're meeting tomorrow a.m. After doing some research on her and the partner we're meeting with, I am actually excited.

    Tomorrow is Thing Two's Actual Birthday. Beloved picked them up from school today, and apparently, they BOTH forgot that we have plans to go out after Thing One's softball game for a Birthday Sundae, and Thing Two had a TANTRUM that we weren't doing anything for her birthday. I was irritated to hear of this, after busting my butt for her sleepover this past weekend, and knowing the time, expense, and general irritation that we are all putting up with so that she can have a "family party" at my parents' house this weekend. She's also having cupcakes in her classroom tomorrow. So .... what is she talking about that we weren't doing ANYTHING for her birthday?? She later apologized, and she said she "forgot" about the cupcakes and sundaes.

    The Firm is having a softball game tomorrow against another firm in town, and I am not going. I need to go watch the Midget softball instead. These softball games are the only things I plan on missing, though, and that's only 3 out of 9. On Thursday, I'm going to a Red Sox game. *That* I will not miss.
    posted by Zuska @ 9:16 PM   0 comments
    Sunday, May 21, 2006
    First Day at the Summer Firm
    is tomorrow. i have an all-day orientation, then a tour of the firm, and then a reception. All told, it will be a 12+ hour day. Which I suppose is par for the course.

    I am very excited to have this opportunity, and at the same time, disheartened by all I hear about the gazillion hours required (not necessarily as a Summer, more about if an permanent offer were to come). I have spoken to attorney-parents at the firm who say that it is not so bad - that with some early mornings and an at-home office, they are, in fact, able to be home for dinner with their families most nights. I need to find a way this summer to watch and see - not just listen to recruiting, and not allow myself to be seduced by the lavish treatment of summers.

    And a part of me is sad. That it is highly possible that I *can't* do this. I have always made my time with my kids a priority. Whether it was working 4/5ths time as a paralegal and tightening the pursestrings accordingly, or abstaining on many law school activities (and extra-study time), THIS == this family == has been a priority. It's a different priority than what stay-at-home moms have made - b/c I work, and I work full time, and I want to continue to work full time. But I do not want to disappear. I want to have dinner with my family, preferably 7 nights a week, but I couldn't abide by less than 5.

    Do I wish that the job wasn't so demanding? Do I wish that I didn't have these other pulls on my time? I'm not sure. In some ways, it does feel "unfair" that I potentially will have to turn my back on a really good opportunity b/c it fundamentally clashes with my family needs. So would the life of a rock star. Or any position that required tons of travel.

    I hope I'm able to enjoy the summer for the summer, and not spend the whole time freaking out. but freaking out is what I do best. So, we'll see.
    posted by Zuska @ 8:38 PM   1 comments
    Exhaustication Nation
    I am home. I am doing laundry. We ate dinner. We, as a family, peered out the window excitedly as a thunderstorm rolled in.

    Sounds normal. Doesn't sound like I feel as if I've been to 2 plays, 2 softball games, held one sleepover party, and then, b/c a friend was in a bind, spent one of my weekend evenings at someone else's house reading a book while their kids slept so they could keep their prior engagement despite the cancelation by a babysitter.

    Thing Two was great in her play. She also had some great moments in softball. Thing One's team didn't do so well, but she did well for her. She was engaged, she tried hard, and she had a few great plays, and hit well.

    And I am very happy this weekend is over. It was a good one, a rewarding one. A weekend for a proud momma.

    But, it's over. And that makes me happy.
    posted by Zuska @ 8:08 PM   0 comments
    Saturday, May 20, 2006
    The sleepover -- midway point
    I think I have 4 sleeping 8 year olds in the other room (well, one is 5 days shy of 8, and the other is 2 weeks, 5 days shy of 8). It is midnight. If they fell asleep, it was in the past 10 minutes. But it may not have happened.

    They squealed a lot. We played charades. We listened to 50's rock and roll music. we ate much cake and pizza. we watched cartoons. i wondered if i would have to call a mom. then things got patched up. then i again wondered if i would ahve to call a mom. then things again got patched up.

    somewhere in the middle - they tricked me. i went to check on them, and i thought i saw three sleeping bodies, and the one precarious one awake and looking at me. i kneeled down to talk to her, see if she was okay, offer to call her mom. she didn't want any of those. so i insisted on providing her with a glass of water - since all she was responding with was big eyes. i returned, and MY DAUGHTER rolls over (from a really DEAD ASLEEP position) and says "we're all awake, we were faking, and i'm thirsty!!!" and i said "no!! ____ is asleep!! be quiet!!" My daughter shakes her friend (rather forcefully) in order to show me that no, _____ is awake. And I said, "no!! she's asleep!! and she need to sleep, and if she's just faking, then she deserves an award, b/c she is the queen!!" and ____ then yanked her thumb out of her mouth, broke into a huge smile, popped up onto her knees, and danced .... singing "i am the queen, i am the queen!!" then they were ALL thirsty.

    i eventually, in order to get them to sleep, had to start with the threats. i was threatening to let them sleep until 9 a.m. (someone's getting picked up at 9:30) - thereby ridding them of any opportunity to do the planned projects and eat the planned french toast feast.

    oh yeah, i handed in my corporations exam today. and cleaned out my locker. and picked up my suits. yea me for the productivity.
    posted by Zuska @ 12:00 AM   0 comments
    Friday, May 19, 2006
    Friday Cat Blogging .... spooning
    If it weren't for the position of Boots' feet, i could perhaps pull it off as such ......

     Posted by Picasa
    posted by Zuska @ 11:57 PM   0 comments
    schlurg called me today to let me know that i may soon be hearing from a voice from our past. i am not sure if i'm scared about this, b/c it's a very crazy voice, or if i'm excited to finally get answers about a situation that plagued my entire marriage. trying to think about whether it's safe to blog the story. story's nutty enough, someone may scoop it up as fodder for a great novel.
    posted by Zuska @ 6:10 PM   0 comments
    Thursday, May 18, 2006
    Who me? a 3L ? Couldn't be!!!
    beloved is saying that b/c i have yet to print and hand in my paper, it is not true that I am now a 3L. But i mean, come on. The exam is DONE, the document is SENT, and I have NOTHING to do other than print it out, drop it into a box, and then go get all my shit out of my locker.

    THEN I am a 3L. but i can say it tonight, if I want to. And he should know better than to contradict me at this time of the month. dammit. I think I should be able to say I'm a 5L if I want to, and he should just say OKAY, Zuska, OKAY.

    I finished corporations!! I even thought it was good. Better than I thought it could have been.

    Tomorrow's list:

    Take children to school;
    Go for a jog;
    pick up zipcar;
    bring paper to school;
    empty locker (lots of stuff, necessitating a zipcar);
    go to toystore to buy goody bag stuff;
    go to drycleaner and pick up suits and pants;
    go to grocery store to buy milk and ice cream;
    bring things home;
    bring overdue items (only about 453 of them) to library;
    drop off zipcar;
    walk down the hill to home;
    clean living room;
    clean kitchen;
    clean bathroom;
    clean girls' room;
    pick up Thing Two from Theater;
    Pick up Thing One from After-school;
    go home;
    order pizza;
    welcome 3 giggling girls into my home;
    send one slightly pouty but resigned girl (offspring of the older flavor) OUT of my home;
    stuff 4 faces with pizza;
    stuff 4 faces with cake and ice cream (cake which beloved just finished decorating, AFTER he proof read my take home for grammar);
    plop 4 girl-bodies in front of cartoons;
    force 4 girl-bodies to go to sleeeeeeeeeep;
    put in ear plugs;
    go to sleep.
    posted by Zuska @ 11:07 PM   1 comments
    Exam Week Update
    Yesterday I had my Employment Law exam. I am fairly certain that was the LEAST prep I have ever put into an in-class exam. The exam went fine (3o multiple choice) but the class was abuzz afterward that the questions were too ambiguous, and that one question had TWO right answers (they were actually wrong answers, b/c the question was "which one is NOT correct"). Eh, whatever. It was a wee harder than I expected, but not b/c of lack of preparation. I just wished I could ARGUE about why I thought it was B instead of C, rather than just go with the black or white bubble-fill.

    After the exam, I went to the gym, which may have been for the last time until September. I have a "complimentary membership" at a gym in the building of Summer Firm, but I think I'll be bringing the jogging and stairclimbing outdoors for the summer.

    Then I went shopping!!! I needed brown shoes, and then I went to some OTHER stores, and got 2 new pairs of dress pants and a couple nice tops. I was pleased with my finds. Although I probably could not afford to shop. Hmmm.

    Then Thing One had a softball game, so I took her to that. I actually thought it was a practice instead of a game (b/c that's what the schedule SAID!), but one of the three teams inexplicably wasn't there, so we had a game. Practice means I drop her off and go about my business. Game means I stay and be good cheerleader mom. I was going to go to Starbucks and start mapping out my Corporations exam answer. Instead, I sat and watched my kid become super-competitive all of a sudden. I fear that I have instilled within her a loathing for losing. Oops. It's all fun and games on family game night while I faux-growl at my kids if they get ahead or get more points, but when she's on the softball field and gets all frustrated and yells at her team-mates ... I'm just telling myself that she's learning. She did apologize to her friend, and we talked a bit on our walk home.

    Then, instead of working on my Corporations exam, I came home, flopped on the couch, and watched t.v. with Beloved for 2.5 hours. It was a new Lost, and it was a given that we'd watch that, but it was the utter exhaustion resulting from exam week (and shopping - i actually HATE shopping, and much prefer ORDERING) that made me watch Invasion (stoooooopid show) and then an old Seinfeld, which made me laugh.

    Then I passed out.

    Now I'm going to start on Corporations. I've had a few friends throw me their drafts and outlines. I do not know why. This is happening spontaneously, and has never happened before. One friend attended a giant issue-spotting session with about 10 others, and gave me the result. i couldn't attend the session b/c I had a class at the time they met. I said, "I feel bad taking this, since I wasn't there." and she said, "YOU HAVE TWO KIDS!!!" I thought "and I HATE corporations!" Then another friend who is older (yes, even older than ME) and has a college age daughter sent me his draft saying "us parents need to stick together!" While my feelings about this class makes me grateful that I may per chance have the opportunity to spend less time on this exam, I do wonder how they think I've made it through the other 15 exams/papers that I've written without their help!!
    posted by Zuska @ 9:30 AM   0 comments
    How I know exams are really getting to me.
    As i have said (again and again and again) - I am starting work on Monday. I need to fill out your usual forms upon my arrival. A W-4 and an I-9. They sent us a letter some time ago letting us know what we need to bring.

    I cannot bring my passport, because it has my married last name on it, and I do not use that - I use my maiden name. So I need to do the "driver's license and a birth certificate" combination.

    I have known for weeks that I need to track down my birth certificate. I've had a certified copy for years, but i never know exactly where it is.

    In this house, we (I) have an 'everything shelf' and then an 'everything drawer.' when i growing up, my mom always had a "junk drawer" which would then grow into TWO junk drawers, and about annually, she would clean them out.

    I thought that my birth certificate was in a basket on the everything shelf. a basket that i tend to put the important things in.

    This morning, before bringing the girls to school, i decided i should check the basket, see if the certificate is there. i found the info for my Bose docking station. i found the set up disk for my computer. i found some children's Tylenol. I found a little baggy full of Halls cough drops. I did NOT find my birth certificate. Shit. I checked the everything drawer. No papers whatsoever - just junk (matches, barettes, incense, elastic bands, locks, walkie talkies, keys). Then I took the kids to school.

    When I got home, I checked my "banking" box, and I checked my "school things" box, and i checked my "keepsakes box." I then went through the shelf on my end table. It had a lot of catalogs, books, and journals on it. No birth certificate.

    Then i tried to retrace my steps. When did I last USE my birth certificate? I think it was when I signed up for work study. Or was it when I thought I would go get my driver's license? So I checked all my bags. Which were in the Bag Closet, which is also the girls' coat closet, and also the vacuum closet (we have 2) and the Giant Paper Goods storage closet (napkins, paper towels, and toilet paper from Costco that my parents keep us stocked up on). So, in order to get to the BAG part of the closet (I have lots of bags), I had to pull out the coats, the boots, the vacuums, the paper goods, etc. I found my bags. No birth certificate.

    I went through all my folders from school from the fall. No birth certificate.

    So I decided it was buried somewhere on the everything shelf. So what did I do? I yanked everything off of it. This shelf is like ..... 4' x 3' and 2' high. I had it PACKED with stuff. i mean, PACKED. There are curtains we bought at IKEA (while still in CA) but the red is too dark; school pictures from the girls preschool; the extra printer; construction paper; candle holders; maps; the kids' portable DVD player; extension cords; and tons of other assorted crap. I pulled it all out, and threw it onto the floor. I was going to go through it bit by bit, piece by piece, and I was going to FIND MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

    I sat on the floor to go through it all, and saw the basket, the one i mentioned up there at the top as the first place i looked, and noticed a folded up piece of paper sticking out from under the disk. It was my birth certificate.

    Who me? Have a Corporations take home exam to start and finish today? Pshaw.
    posted by Zuska @ 8:54 AM   0 comments
    Tuesday, May 16, 2006
    2 down, 2 to go.
    Yesterday (Monday) was my Fed Courts exam. I left there feeling like I'd hit all the issues, with some question as to whether I put my Monroe v. Pape discussion under the right claim. I was very happy that there was no need to discuss federal common law on the exam, because I didn't have it down too well. I think I managed to pull my shit together. I am still a wee bit sick in my love of prepping for open-book exams. I made an outline, an index, and then the mother of all creations (which I shared with friends who I'd studied with) - a Table of Cases which included every case discussed, its primary issue, its secondary issue, a one-sentence summary of its holding, and the page number on which I could find a more thorough discussion in my outline. I used it like CRAZY during the exam. I thought of framing it, and using it as Wall Art in the bedroom, but something tells me Beloved will NOT go for that. (yes, i'm a nerd).

    Then I went to lunch at Unos with some friends, and had a Pomegranite Margarita and a yummy salad. I am now going to have a minor rant which makes me feel old. But I do not care. I'm doing it anyway.

    My drink cost MORE than my (very substantial dinner) salad (i.e., not a side salad, it was a spinach, chicken & gorgonzola salad). Beloved and I have gone out a few times recently to places in my little town, which is known as a VERY expensive/wealthy community (how we got in, I have no clue). I had some drinks in these little independent restaurants, and the drinks were $6. I think I had Martinis in both places. Then at Uno's, the damned thing was $9. Why? Why was it that much? And the price was not on the menu, so I had no idea until the bill came. Of course i had the $$ and it really was FINE, but I just didn't get it. In the other places, in town, my meal was happily $20+, and at Uno's, it was $9. Perhaps that is what disgruntles me, that the drink is valued as much as the meal? I'm not sure. But disgruntled I was.

    We all got carded, too. It was funny, b/c I am 33, and I think everyone else at the table was 24 or younger. So them getting carded was kind of normal, and when it was my turn, everyone looked to see if I'd get carded, too. I always get carded. Not only do I always get carded, but I often get a dropped jaw when people see my age. No one EVER guesses that I'm over 30 (although if my gray hairs keep multiplying, that will change). The waiter yesterday was joking that he was sure he was older than all of us, and I laughed and handed him my i.d. and said, "I bet you're not older than me!" and he looked and said, "Uh, NO!! I'm not!!" and laughed kind of embarassed. One person at the table was not someone I know as well as the others, and she asked me how old I was, thinking it couldn't be THAT different, and I said I was 33. She said, "I thought you were our age, I thought you were 23! Wow! No one ever tells me ANYTHING!" And everyone else at the table laughed, and one person said, "wow, you'd then have been what, 13 when your oldest daughter was born?" I said, "yep, that would be it, she's almost 10!" and the non-friend was stunned to know I have kids.

    I guess our school isn't all that small.

    We did then finish our Admin exam. Thank God. Now today is Employment prep, and tomorrow is the exam, and then SHOPPING!! I need some brown heels to go with my growing earth-tone portion of my closet. And I could use a few tops for under suit jackets. This is difficult for me, b/c I do not like to wear sleeveless shirts, and 99.9% of the things out there are sleeveless.

    Thursdsay I write Corporations (with a little break in the afternoon to go to Thing One's performance, but it's right in town, across the street from the town library where I plan to park my butt, so it will be easy), Friday a.m., I polish it up, hand it in, and then come home and clean for Thing Two's bday party/sleepover, and then shop and bake a cake, and then go pick her up, and get the house ready, and then send Thing One on her way to a friend's house so she's not scowling around hte apartment like she does when her sister is the focus of attention, and then see if I can manage to get ANY sleep with 4 giggling girls in the house.

    I'm running out of time to freak out about my first day of work!! Which is in less than a week!
    posted by Zuska @ 9:45 AM   0 comments
    Sunday, May 14, 2006
    Thing One loves her momma!!
    Page 1:
    Page 2

    Page 3

    Heh. I liked this card. Especially the impossibility that is so big.
    posted by Zuska @ 11:33 PM   1 comments
    Thing Two loves her momma!!

    I know you can't read ALL the things she loves about me, so a transcription is included.

    "Dear Mom,
    This is the list of things I love about you
    1 you love us back
    2 sometimes you make dinner
    3 you buy us treats
    4 you let us stay up until 8:30
    5 you don't get too cranky during exams
    6 you play punch buggy
    7 you let us have sleepover parties
    8 you play games
    9 you go on trips with us
    10 you aren't mean
    11 you don't spank us
    12 you make us stuff"

    Interesting points: 1) everything is "us." Not "me." I'm not sure what I think of that, but I find it noteworthy. 2) I don't think she has any friends who having parents who "spank" their kids -- it's pretty mainstream at this point, I think, not to raise a hand to your children as a form of discipline. Perhaps I'm off. I just thought it was a non-issue. Not inaction equaling action.
    posted by Zuska @ 11:23 PM   0 comments
    the monster is a pussycat
    Fed Courts now feels manageable. i have finished my outline, involved myself in study groups, created a table of cases which also functions as a checklist of things to discuss in the exam, as well as a page index to my outline. There is one more thing I want to make, and then I need to organize my exam notebook, and I'm set. I do not feel lost --- I feel capable.

    Admin should be done on Monday afternoon.

    Tuesday will be devoted to Employment, which I am nervous about. Nervous that I'm not giving it enough attention. The reason is I do not THINK (present tense) that it needs much attention. So my fear is that I will sit down on Tuesday a.m. (after bringing my new suit pants to be hemmed) and find out that oops!! It did need more attention!!

    Corporations is a take home which will get approximately 48 hours devoted to it. Well, minus for sleep and mothering. That will too, I think, be okay. I had an issue spotting sit-down with a friend, and we helped each other walk through the facts and issues in the course, so I think it will be okay.

    I hope.
    posted by Zuska @ 10:00 AM   1 comments
    Saturday, May 13, 2006
    Ceasefire for Mother's Day?
    I just read a really good op ed in the Boston Globe. Wanted to quickly share with any mom-readers I have - anyone who has engaged in the wrangling involved in the decision of being a working-mommy or a stay-at-home mommy. Or some balance in between. I'd love to hear other's opinions.
    posted by Zuska @ 11:09 AM   0 comments
    Friday, May 12, 2006
    Too tired for much else .....
    Seen over at Will Work for Favorable Dicta, one of my favorite things, a meme:

    I AM: exhausted and overwhelmed, but happy that I made time for Family Movie Night.
    I WANT: exams to be over. and to have all Outstandings.
    I WISH: I was done with school.
    I HATE: Corporations. And exams. But mostly - Corporations Exams.
    I MISS: Reading novels.
    I FEAR: My summer job (that I'm gonna SUCK) and its impact on my family (that I'm going to DISAPPEAR!).
    I HEAR: my daughters giggling with my Beloved as they look through a book together.
    I WONDER: if this country will ever turn around.
    I REGRET: not knowing myself better when i was younger.
    I AM NOT: religious
    I DANCE: so horribly that I never inflict the sight on anyone except my kids, and now they're too old .... they'll REMEMBER.
    I SING: while doing dishes and in the car. and on the bike.
    I CRY: when things feel so hard that I forget that Zuska Does Not Cry.
    I AM NOT ALWAYS: very nice to my Loves.
    I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: dishes clean? sometimes.
    I WRITE: more when i'm unhappy, and less when things are going well.
    I CONFUSE: Anyone who tries to pronounce or spell my last name.
    posted by Zuska @ 9:55 PM   0 comments
    Last Post of the Evening
    Or morning, however you want to look at it.

    Songs that came up on shuffle that made me smile most:

    1) "Standing" by Patti Griffith [i'm doing Fed Courts, dammit, of course a song about Standing makes me smile)
    2) The Last Day of Our Acquaintance" - Sinead, my love.
    3) "Shout" - Tears for Fears
    4) "Man on the Moon" - REM
    5) "Family" - Dar Williams
    posted by Zuska @ 12:40 AM   0 comments
    most ridiculous advice in the world
    Your Stress Level is: 73%

    You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now.
    Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out.
    Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only wa you'll get through the bad times.

    Seen over at Legal Quandary.

    Want to know why I'm stressed? B/c when I should be outlining, I'm taking quizzes. Dumb quizzes, that tell me to "relax."
    posted by Zuska @ 12:38 AM   0 comments
    I lost my sister
    My sis disappeared. I'm not sure where she is. I can guess that she's in California, b/c that's where she lives, but I haven't heard from her since Sunday or Monday. This is unusual.

    I expect it's b/c her Love has just returned to the United States from another country, after being gone for a long, long time (6 months) - but I think she still goes to work - and we usually email while she's at work. But she hasn't emailed me.

    Sis .... email me!! you turd!!!
    posted by Zuska @ 12:18 AM   0 comments
    Thursday, May 11, 2006
    The Different Species of Woman
    When I am at school, I have to be aware of how I relate to my friends. Reason? B/c my life is so intensley different than theirs, that they just kind of ... can't relate. CANNOT. There have been times in my past where I've gotten along with people and had a good time with people who WILL NOT relate to the fact that I have children, and I have certain responsibilities, but in school, I don't feel like there's a refusal, but rather a lack of ability. Law school is so intense, and so many people are in the same boat, it's hard to remember that there's any other boats in the ocean, let alone right alongside. While they're worrying about where Bar Review is this weekend, or if going to visit their boyfriend in New York for a week will screw them over in Fed Courts; I'm wondering if softball games will be rained out, rushing home to have dinner with my family, and wondering if I can afford to pay the babysitter with the remainder of my loan money. They're fielding phone calls and IMs from people wondering what time they're meeting at a bar, or at the gym, or at the tanning salon (I can't believe people still DO that); I'm fielding phone calls from the school nurse about ear aches, or trying to work things out with Beloved to figure out who will pick the girls up from childcare at 6 p.m.

    Today, I was walking across the street to go to Walgreens after dropping Thing One off at school before the choral performance. She had to be there early to prepare, and beloved and Thing Two were meeting up with me a bit later. I decided to get my mother a card for this Hallmark Hell Day. While I was waiting for the Walk sign, I saw a woman across the street. She was pushing a child in a stroller - the child was probably between 12 and 18 months, and had super wispy blond hair (like mine did). She went around to the front of the stroller, and knelt down to talk to/smile at/play with the kid. It looked so familiar, and I remembered that there were days when I would do the same. Kids don't really like strollers. I'm sure they feel really far away from their mom/dad/caretaker, and maybe kind of lonely? I know Thing Two hated being in a stroller. I had this big double stroller when she was a baby, and ended up having Thing One in it alone all the time, carrying Thing Two so she would stop screaming about being in the stroller.

    When the light turned and I crossed the street, I passed the woman, and she was singing - loudly - The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round, Round and Round, Round and Round ....

    To me, the fact that I used to be in her place that *I*, Zuska, used to walk down the street, pushing a stroller, singing goofy toddler songs --- it made me feel as if i've been reincarnated. That I used to be one thing, and now i'm another. i cannot imagine myself being that self. my kid are now at the stage where they sing songs i have taught them (for example, "It's the End of the World As We Know It" is a family song. As is Dido's White Flag ... for us it's funny b/c we always think the line "put my hands up and surrender" actually says "poke my eyes out and surrender" - so for us, it's the "Poke My Eyes Out Song.") They don't have me singing songs from Barney and from Raffi tapes. Not anymore.

    I probably was less That Mom than I remember. I did used to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to the kids all hte time - but our favorite lullaby was an Annie Lennox song "Beautiful Child."

    Other than songs, I see the way that people relate to babies and toddlers as completely other worldly. The open mouthed head-wagging smiley face that people give babies. "Hello!! How are youuuuuuuu??? are you a happy baby? Who's a happy baby????" That was me? It probably was me. Babies respond to that. Who doesn't want their baby to respond to them? I have a close friend who so strongly feels that she should never do "baby talk" with her kids - that htey should be spoken to as she would speak to ANY person. But babies are still babies - and she talks to her baby in that above manner. She'll probably quit before the child's one - but i saw her do it when the baby was 3 months old!!

    Why is this so foreign to me? I have been there. It was a large part of my life. Yet when I witness interactions, or see photographs - I am almost reeling to think that I used to be a part of that species. The species that takes care of tiny teeny children. And relates to them.

    Probably just as much as some women at school look at me, and think that perhaps one day, they'll be a member of MY species, and wonder how that can possibly be true? how can they ever become the person who has to worry about 4 different schedules, and put the development, health and education of others above their own. (I only say this b/c so many people have said to me "I can't even have a CAT while I'm in law school, I can't imagine how you do it!" Sometimes, instead of cat, it's a plant. I am not implying that I find all people without children to be selfish. I certainly know of about a billion who aren't.)

    *** editing to share that I just realized that when my kids were little, and we would sometimes go to playgrounds at neighborhood elementary schools, I would watch people with older children -- I don't even think these older children were elementary school age. I think they were 3 and 4, while I had a 1 and 2 year old, or mine were 1 month and 21 months - and I felt like it was sooooo far in my future - for my kids to have clearly their OWN style, their own preferences, to have more refined personalities - not to mention to be able to walk to the playground at my side, rather than being pushed or carried. Those women - the women with much more independent children - seemed to me other worldly, then.

    I know that not all women have or want children, and that these considerations don't apply to every woman. But I can't help but to wonder - does this happen to ANY men? Is there ever a feeling of such disconnect from men in other phases of life? It seems to me that women who do choose to have children have these very distinct and different life phases -- revolving around said children.
    posted by Zuska @ 10:31 PM   0 comments
    balance is threatened
    this is such a weird week. a hard week. actually, 2 weeks.

    Usually, I'm able to balance being a mom, and being a law student. even with my crazy school and its co op program (meaning I work full time intermittently). This week, however, feels like the balance is off. And it's in the wrong direction!! It's not that I'm off studying too much. It's that I'm NOT studying enough. There are too many things I just. can't. miss.

    Today was Thing One's first performance for her community theater program. i can't not be there!! It was at 4 p.m. (I usually work until 5:30 - today, I had to leave school at 3) then tonight was her spring concert for school (making it so that I could not go to the library after her play, b/c I had to come back home by 6 to bring her to the school). Tomorrow [friday], Thing Two has an extra practice for HER community theater program, because her performance is next week. It also ends early, so I have to shave an hour off my day in order to pick her up on time. Sunday is Mother's Day, and maybe 2 softball games [torrential rain is currently forecast]. Thursday is another performance. Friday is Thing Two's sleepover birthday party. Saturday is Thing Two's first play. Sunday is her second.

    Then there's the things I don't WANT to miss. Our usual Friday night movie night, for example. Dinner with the family. Things like that. I was planning on skipping movie night - to hole up in my room and study while they had fun in the living room. I decided not to. Instead, I'm going to stay up all night tonight. If need be.

    Also, the little things that creep in and demand full attention - phone calls from the school nurse that Thing One has an earache; a tantrum from Thing Two b/c she's over tired after a field trip all day; a phone call from my dad saying that SIL is actually quite miserable over recent events, and him wanting to talk about it, etc.

    In the meantime? I need to finalize my Admin take home, start my Corporations take home, finish my Fed Courts outline and study like mad for that class, and start an Employment law outline. Everything School will be over by Friday at noon [a week from tomorrow!!], and then I can switch over to the last part of the list above -- starting with "Thing Two's Sleepover Party." Hand in the exams at noon, and then go to the store, buy the goodies, come home, clean the house, etc.

    Somewhere in here, I need to bring my new suit pants in to be hemmed, take all my old suits to the cleaners, fill out my orientation paper work, track down my birth certificate, and in general freak out, because the Monday after everything i've spoken of here --- I start a new job.
    posted by Zuska @ 9:37 PM   0 comments
    Wednesday, May 10, 2006
    it's that time already?
    There is an announcement today that us 2L's need to start checking the school website for job posting information. Post graduate job postings. What? Already? Do I really need to start thinking about that already? Can't I wait until after the summer? I can then know if I got an offer from the Firm, and if I want to accept said offer. I don't want to split my focus right now. Do I have to? I certainly won't have time for interviews and such over the summer. Yikes!! I'm not ready for this!! I don't even want to read the whole announcement.
    posted by Zuska @ 1:01 PM   0 comments
    Administrative Blunder
    My Admin professor is one of my favorites that I've had yet. I don't know her beyond being lectured at (i have other professors that i've talked to outside of class, worked on things with, talked about non-school stuff with, etc. but not her). She's strict as hell, but still funny. You have to stay on your toes, but she's still really casual in some of the ways she does things. She's also like 2 years older than me.

    Class is at 8:30, and she's always there at 8:25. At 8:29, she starts making comments about how only 1/3 of the class is there, and should she even teach with only 1/3? She starts teaching, and people start trickling in, and usually, everybody is there for class --- eventually. Last week, some people came in at 8:34, and she stopped lecturing and said, "come in! come on, sit down! i don't want everybody late for the last classes!" Ooooh, they got in trouble.

    Today was a wretched, rainy day. I was slow (as usual) getting out the door, and although I would prefer to leave the house a little early with the Things, and let them hang out with their friends for the 10 minutes before class starts, I was too disheveled. So I had less time once arriving on campus than usual.

    And I didn't have coffee. I was so scared of getting YELLED at, that I went to class instead of the coffee shop. But it was 8:20, and there were only 3 of us in the room. The other 2 played the role of the red devil on my shoulder, and my haloed angel was not up to the 3 against 1 gang-up, so I ran (i mean LITERALLY RAN) to the coffee shop and got coffee.

    Around 9, one of my classmates got up to use the ladies' room. She came back and started waving her arms frantically. Upon finally being acknowledged, she said, "um, there's a lot of first years gathered around outside the door, and they're all freaked out and kind of pale, b/c they have an exam in this room at 9:30."

    our class ends at 10.

    It was their Con Law exam. My Admin professor is also a 1L Con Law professor.

    She was LIVID. There was really nothing to do. I mean, sure, she could have gone to Student Services, seen if she could arrange a room-change, but it would likely be US that would have to move, and by the time she found us a room and got us re-settled, it would be like, 9:45. Or so.

    She decided to just lecture until 9:20, and then we would leave, and they could come and take their exam. But then she had an all-out rant. About the classrooms, an the facilities, and how the rooms SUCK, and how there aren't enough, and how could this be the best law school in hte COUNTRY [as far as she's concerned, she said], but have no ROOMS!!

    What was refreshing was hearing that from the OTHER side of the podium. Of course, from our side, it's "how can we pay $35,000 a year, and have no ROOMS!!"

    It truly is ridiculous, though. How could they not have cross-checked the exam room assignments with the upper year classrooms? We have ALWAYS been in this room. My other three classes played musical classroom for the first 3 weeks of school, but this class was the stable one. We started in this room, we THOUGHT we would end in that room.

    posted by Zuska @ 9:32 AM   0 comments
    Tuesday, May 09, 2006
    Another way you know exams are coming .....
    I had 3 zits pop out on my face today. They are all from Fed Courts. I'm sure of it. Nothing else is stressing me out -- just Fed Courts.

    I also got another new suit in the mail. I like it a lot. It was another from Ann Taylor. I'm loving Ann Taylor. She's my best friend. J.Crew however - NOT my best friend. J. is a creep. I hate him/her.

    This evening, I stayed at school very late (for me -- 7:50 p.m.) and worked through an old Fed Courts exam with a friend. We read the question, and thought, "oh, fuck." all the claims! and all the causes of action! and we found ourselves asking weird questions - questions we felt we shouldn't have 6 days before the exam. like, "well, why is this a 1983 claim instead of a Bivens claim?" and "if you can only get prospective injunctive relief against a state official .... can you get attorney's fees? [b/c we figured atty's fees was the reason for the 1983 instead of Bivens .... but then thought - WAIT!!!]" We really thought we should know these things. I am going to talk to my professor tomorrow. Then, I will know these things. I also, while sitting there with my friend, ordered Chemerinsky's Federal Jurisdiction book from Amazon. I paid for overnight shipping. I will have it tomorrow. I will then have clarity. She has it - and I used it constantly this evening - it just worked to clear the fog during those times that we were reading our notes and then squinching our noses up asking "huh? what?"

    I had been quite nervous about the fact that I find myself not caring too very much about my Employment Law exam. Fed Courts is on Monday a.m. from 9-1, and then I will start looking at Employment Law - and that exam is on Wednesday from 9-12. Maybe not enough time? I did not know. The class has seemed so NOT challenging, and has required so very little of me - other than going to class, listening to all the very interesting and relevant things about minimum wage, and mass dismissals, and wrongful discharge actions, a little Family Medical Leave Act Here, a Little Fair Labor Standards Act there. So I felt adrift about what to expect from the exam. I was slightly nervous b/c the professor has a healthy econ bend, and i hate econ, and it and I get along poorly.

    So today, my fears were put to rest. He decided that he's going to do a multiple choice. 30-35 questions. there will be a lot of statutory stuff. We'll need to be familiar with the statutes (I think there's 4, with regulations), and be able to discuss things like who's covered and who's exempt, and what can you really get if people ignore the fact that there's a law, and exploit you even more than the law allows, which is kind of a real lot.

    Here's a look at my day tomorrow:

    Tomorrow (Weds):

    8:30 - Administrative Law
    10:00 - Gym
    11:30 - Library
    12:30 - talk to Fed Courts Professor
    12:45 - Finish standing portion of Admin Take Home exam [my group-fellows are doing
    the other parts); and, if I have time, Fed Courts Outline
    3:00 - Meet with Admin professor and group
    3:15 - COnsult with Admin group about finishing take home exam
    3:30 - Fed Courts Outline
    5:00 - pack up and ride bike home to get Thing One and take her to softball. if game is rained
    out, b/c we are having a week of rain, this changes to 6:00 instead of 5:00.
    6:30 - dinner with family; laundry; perhaps Family Game Night - if no Softball. If there is
    softball, then I'm out until 8:30
    8:30 - put kids to bed
    9:00 - watch Lost. People got SHOT last week. I can't miss Lost. Fed Courts is
    important, but dammit, I have priorities.
    10:00 - Outline Fed Courts until sleep hijacks my body
    posted by Zuska @ 11:24 PM   2 comments
    Sunday, May 07, 2006
    musical memories
    good lord, i am in FULL ON procrastination mode.

    Some songs coming up on my iPod, and the memories they trigger:

    1) Ursula Rucker "Supa Sista" -- Back during my divorce/initial separation, i had a friend who i worked with in the bookstore. she was single and very bitter after a nasty break up. on the weekends that the ex had the girls (we were in the same state at this time -- for a very short time), i often stayed with her. we had a good time together - listened to music, went to bars after work, etc. she introduced me to a good bit of music which was further out of the mainstream than I'd ever ventured (these are pre-Beloved days --- my non-mainstream music is now the staple of my musical diet, since i'm coupled with an ex college radio dj). One "tape" she had made for me was this poetry-music-R&B that i absolutely LOVED. but i lost the tape. i couldn't remember the artist's name, and all i could remember was one song "Supah Sistah" - that's how I remembered it. I started looking for it this year, and had the hardest time finding it.

    Then finally, the other day -- seriously, it was either Thursday or Friday -- I found it. I was so happy. Ursula Rucker's Supa Sista. I promptly downloaded the entire album off of iTunes. I found one song on there that I'm sure she didn't put on my tape -- it was a VERY graphic and painful story of a young girl being raped in a crack house while her mother was getting high. Graphic. So graphic, no one would EVER inflict it upon a mother of young children. i've already deleted it from the pod. It was just too hard. The rest, however, is fantastic, and I'm so happy to have it back. I highly recommend it.

    I lost the friend. it was pretty sad. once the ex moved to Wisconsin and I no longer had kid-free time, she sort of lost patience with me. bars and drinking was fun - sitting around and watching me cook for 2 tired kids was not. Then i got together with beloved, and she was even MORE upset with me - happiness in a relationship was Not Okay With Her.

    2) Aimee Mann "Just Like Anyone" --- beloved and i had what i would categorize as our "first date" around the time of both of our birthdays one year. he gave me Aimee Mann's Bachelor No. 2 (as well as a journal which he made for me). i had never heard her outside of 'Till Tuesday. I loved the album, and I still love Aimee Mann. For a later birthday (2 years later? 3?) he took me to a concert of hers in San Francisco. We had a great time. That was the last concert I've been to.

    3) Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young "Judy Blue Eyes" -- The first summer that Beloved and I spent together while the Things were in the Middle of the Country with the Schlurg, we went camping. I hadn't been camping since I was a Girl Scout. I never would have thought I'd start camping again. The Ex certainly never would have done it. And I was generally less adventurous with him, and having more expectations of luxury (HIS expectations, which I just took on as my own) rather than ones of enjoyment of nature and peace and DOING of things. But Beloved and I went camping. We drove down Route 101 in California to the Big Sur area, and went hunting for a camp site. We had a #1 option, but it was VERY FULL, and we ended up having to drive inland a good bit --- AFTER spending our first night in my car (i actually had a CAR back then! a rather nice Honda Accord). Beloved brought music. He brought CSN&Y, and I LOVED it. every time we had to pick a disk, i just wanted this one again. It was so peaceful and mellow, and so fed into the mood of the trip. I remember it playing while we were heading south on the windy roads, and I also remember the return trip into town, stuck in traffic heading up to the Bay Bridge, with it on the player again. We had the best time. I was so happy to be with him. And I still am.

    4) The Beatles "Blackbird" -- my uncle died in the year of 2001. He was 45 years old, and he died of a heart attack. It was less than 3 months after his wife (of roughly the same age) died of cancer. he'd had a very long fight with her illness. they were so happy together - they were married later in life, and were far from each other's first marriage. But they LOVED each other, and they LOVED life together. Uncle Bill was a real "eccentric" by the standards of my family. Even slightly "wild" -- turns out -- he smoked pot!!! [gasp! horror!!! god, i wish i knew him better before he died]. He had these crazy annual parties at his house with kegs and kegs of beer and wild people who got drunk [another gasp, more horror]. Once, my little brother (I think he was 8 or 9 at the time) got drunk at one of the parties.

    He died, though. And it was sudden, and it was sad -- people at the service were at the podium giving eulogies that were basically bullet points of reasons why it was NOT suicide, it was a HEART ATTACK!! He was that devestated over the loss of his [wonderful!] wife.

    As I've said before, my parents are fundamentalist Christians. My Uncle Bill was .... so NOT a fundamentalist Christian. But my father is his oldest brother. Therefore, he got to make the arrangements for the funeral. he called on his pastor, and on his friends to sing some music. They sang James Taylor's "You've Got a Friend" only, they stuck "in Jesus" on the end. of "Friend" --- every time.

    I sat there for that service absolutely RIGID with anger. I felt that they molested my Uncle's memory, his service, his everything. He had so many friends, and they were all the hippy-sort that Uncle Bill was [GOD, I wish I knew him better] - i'm sure they were much more livid than I was. My sis was having to try and calm me down b/c I think that my feelings were more than obvious on my face.

    his friends had a turn to sing, too. They sang Blackbird. I honestly feel like it's the first time I heard that song. In 2002.

    5) Billy Joel "She's Always a Woman to Me." I live in New England. I grew up in New England. In between, I lived in other parts of the country. I did not hear Billy Joel -- probably not even ONE TIME in those other states. But here? In New England? Billy Joel = God. Billy Joel = always hip. Billy Joel = On the Radio Once Per Hour. What the fuck IS it with Billy Joel? When I was a kid (high school) I didn't know that it was a "New England thing" -- to me, it was a "i'm a kid" thing (well, probably not in those words. It was probably a "this is today!!" thing). When I was little, my mom had records of Glass Houses and .... the other one (52nd Street?). The one with Big Shot on it. I remember being like 8, and Sis and I "spinning" around the living room to those records, as well as to Barry Manilow. Then I hit high school, and we were all listening to Billy Joel. My boyfriend took me to the "We Didn't Start the Fire" concert in my Junior year of High School. The "greatest hits" tape was all we listened to (other than Bon Jovi in the "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" days) in the car.

    Then I come back here .... how many years later? 100? (no, 14) and it's all the same. Why?

    6) Counting Crows "Omaha" -- after I graduated college (1994), before I married the ex (yeah, during that 6 month window), my very best friend from school moved from Virginia (where good old Liberty University is) to Connecticut, where she took a nanny job. Why? To be near me. B/c we were very close, and it was very hard to breathe without being near one another. She lived some ways away, so we could only get together on the weekend - she was a nanny, and I was a secretary. We had Jobs. But then she'd come to my parents' house, and we'd hang out all weekend long (my mother hated it). Counting Crows was one of the tapes .... or perhaps CD's -- this was the time where I had a CD player that plugged into the lighter of my car, and you could put a fake tape thing in the tape player, etc. Another one at the time was Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins. I know that was a tape, b/c it was a single, and once, my parents found it in the tape player of my car, and they were VERY UPSET, thinking that BF and I were [another gasp, perhaps a shudder and a prayer] .... lesbians. They thought it once about my sister and I, too, b/c we loved to sing Sinead O'Connor's "I am Stretched on Your Grave" at the top of our lungs together on road trips.

    7) 10,000 Maniacs "Trouble Me" -- when Schlurg and I were in college together ... before we started dating ... 10,000 Maniacs was one of our few things in common. the BF mentioned in the previous memory and I (along with the third of our trio) listened to 10,000 maniacs constantly in our dorm rooms. Schlurg told me one night (the night we met, come to think of it -- CURSE that day! I curse it!!), while out for coffee, that they were a favorite of his. it was something that made me think perhaps i could overlook his general awkwardness, too-tight jeans, and really lousy sense of humor for long enough to see what else was in there.

    When were dating -- perhaps even engaged -- this particular song was one he said "reminded him of me" b/c it made him think of how strong I was, and how I was someone who would just take all his troubles away. fucker.

    8) The Beatles - Yellow Submarine --My daughters LOVE this song, and they LOVE this movie!! I had never seen it before. Beloved decided it was okay for them, and I went along [i certainly don't disagree after the fact]. Thing One fell in LOVE. I mean, absolutely positively in love -- with the movie, the song (although "When I'm 64 is her true favorite), the Beatles. She and Beloved hunted down a Yellow Submarine T-shirt, with each of the Beatles' pictures on it. I think Paul is her favorite Beatle .... John is mine.

    9) James Taylor "Fire and Rain" -- there's a line in this song that i used to think was written FOR ME. When I was in high school, and my fundamentalist parents wanted to fit me for a chastity belt, which didn't work out so well for my boyfriend and i ... i felt as if the world was out to get me. Nobody understood me. waa waa waa.

    10) Ani DiFranco "As Is" [Little Plastic Castles]. This one is in two parts. I remember when I was married, living with the Schlurg, and had 2 kids -- Thing Two was a baby, and she was a MISERABLE baby. I was miserable. I hadn't lost all my pregnancy weight yet, I was feeling a wee bit trapped, and just overwhelmed in general. BF, referenced above, came to visit me. I felt ugly, fat, boring and ptooey. She was glamorous (as always), thin as a reed (we had been the same weight in college [a perfect weight for both of us] .... at the time she came to visit, i'd put on 30 pounds, and she'd lost 20 -- making her an absolute stick). We were in my kitchen, either cooking or cleaning, and she put on Ani DiFranco (I'm sure it was Not a Pretty Girl, b/c that's the one with the radio release "i'm 32 Flavors and thensome" on it, and that's the only way she would have heard of her) -- and she said, "I don't think you'll like her, she's a little too harsh for your taste." and I felt so out of it. I felt old and dumpy. And I *kind of* liked it. That was 1998.

    Come to 2001, or perhaps 2002, however, and BF and I are worlds apart, as she is sinking into the depths of giant born-again church land while I'm getting divorced [but didn't tell her for some time b/c my divorce was at the EXACT MOMENT of her wedding] - and I'm loving Ani DiFranco (that other friend? from song #1? she's the one who fully introduced me to Ani). Probably as BF is rethinking her earlier opinion, wondering how she could look past the sinfulness of Ani's love of women, and fornication outside of marriage.

    During my first full-time job after the divorce, I worked near a lake. I spent my lunch breaks running around said lake. To the above song. And the rest of the Little Plastic Castles CD. I started out with Not a Pretty Girl, but I dropped that INTO the lake one day, along with the CD player it was playing on. While waiting for the replacement disk to arrive, I fell in love with Little Plastic Castles, and found the arrangement of songs to be HIGHLY conducive to interval training.

    11) Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares to You" -- No list of zuska's musical memories could be complete without Sinead (and it really did play today - Beloved remarked, while cooking dinner "I can't even PICTURE the Prince version, i'm so used to the Sinead version!" and I said, "I don't think he ever sang it, i thought he wrote it, and just gave it to her to sing," and beloved said, "no, i think he recorded it.") I had this boyfriend in high school - Mr. Billy Joel, and Mr. "the world is out to get us" -- remember? Well, he was a loser. LOSER. I would never have been with him if my parents had told me I couldn't be. I realized this somewhere in my senior year of high school. But I was 17 (maybe even 16, I was young for my class, due to a December bday), and I needed an inspiration. I needed a SOUNDTRACK in order to break up with him. Sinead was it. My sister, she too - she was my inspiration. I used to sing this Sinead song, along with [i think the one right before it on the tape] I Feel So Different - at the TOP of my lungs in my car [sometimes alone, sometimes with sis] while driving around deciding I WOULD break up with him, I WOULD NOT get married straight from high school and I WOULD NOT be a secretary for my whole life. I was GOING TO COLLEGE, goddammit, and I was going to GO TO LAW SCHOOL and i was going to DO GREAT THINGS!!! This particular song, I believe, was what I imagined he would sing to me when I told him to take a hike. Loser.

    [so instead, i went to college, and THEN became a secretary for what felt like the rest of my life. i always found that EXTREMELY ironic - like what was the fucking point? I guess I found it, eventually. now that i finally made it to law school.]

    12) [ending before we hit the unlucky #] Barenaked Ladies "Call and Answer" -- I just love this song. I do not know when I found it ... i'm thinking when the kids were babies and the ex was at school 93 hours a day, but I'm not sure. I love it b/c this dude draws these lines, and he tells this girl, who he loves, that he will CRUCIFY HER if she plays those messed up crazy games that she plays. Why do I love that so much? Part of it is probably b/c I always love songs that seem like they're slow songs, and then they get all fast and angry somewhere in the middle. I've always loved that change up in the middle of a song. But I also truly love the lyrics.

    The other day, it came on the pod and I turned it up for Beloved b/c I knew he didn't know the song (too mainstream for him), and he said, "no wonder you like them, they sound like James Taylor." I couldn't believe that!! i was like - how can you POSSIBLY compare Barenaked Ladies and James Taylor? he said it was something in the voice -- i forget exactly how he categorized it. It wasn't the MUSIC, it was the voice. So I flipped through and found some Sweet Baby James, and I thought "huh, perhaps it is there? in the voice?" But then I had to listen to Call and Answer again, b/c Beloved kept me from listening to the lyrics, which I love!!!


    Well, that was a fine way to kill 45 minutes. Now it's 12:22, and I need to go to bed. Even though I didn't meet my SCHOOL WORK goals for the evening. Ah well.
    posted by Zuska @ 11:20 PM   0 comments
    Sunday Food Blogging
    I made this up!! Sunday food blogging!! What's pathetic about me is that I will probably NEVER post anything made by me. All of it will be things that were set in front of me, with my only contribution being the post-digestion cleaning of the kitchen. (at least I carry some of the weight, right?)

    Tonight's delicacy:

    Beef, asparagus and corn stir fry with sweet potatoes mashed with scallions and goat cheese. Absolutely delicious. Posted by Picasa
    posted by Zuska @ 8:19 PM   2 comments
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