Yesterday was crappy. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to,* I argued with Beloved,** and I just had trouble focusing.

Today, however, I have had a better day with the working and the learning and the studying. The sad part is, I skipped going to the gym in order to feel this way. That does make me sad. I've lost a good bit of weight, but I'd like to lose some more, in order to be the svelt Zuska that I was before injuries (minor) and law school conspired to Bloat Me. I haven't lost any weight in at least a month.

Today, I got up at 8, apparently forgetting to set my alarm for 7 last night. By the time I dragged my sorry ass out of bed, it was 8:30, and I was cringing at the visions of not starting my studies until almost noon again.

So I stayed home. I did some BarBri advanced questions (shittily) and then took a shower and took Commercial Paper and the essay book to a cafe. I struggled through Commercial Paper, then flipped to a few Commercial Paper essays and thought "wo! this has NOTHING to do with what I just learned!" and then once again convinced myself that it's the model answers that are stupid, not me. Because I HATE the model answers. And it's not just b/c they tell me I'm wrong, but sometimes, it's b/c I *know* they're wrong. I know it. They answer with multi-state principles despite the fact that we KNOW that Massachusetts is different. They're dumb. I hate them.

THEN I went and got a Chicken Shawarma with EXTRA garlic sauce. Yeah, Beloved's working today. I ate that while studying the chart on comparative and contributory negligence, to the point that I think I may actually be able to puzzle through it all. Now I'm going to go do 50 Torts Q's, then I'm going to review Trusts, and then I'm going to do essays.

I think this feeling of accomplishment was worth skipping the gym. Even though it makes me sad.

Also, I think getting out of the house and going to the cafe, and then the walk to the Shawarma joint really helped me to just feel better in general. I even tossed around the idea of taking the Red Book of Questions (which I am nowhere near even 1/2 way through, even though every one else in the Bar Prep Universe is already 3/4ths through the elusive Blue Book) to the park. In hte sunshine. With some water. On the grass.

Unfortunately, I suspect that I will fall to sleep, and then, during the real exam, I won't do well, what without the sunshine and the grass and all.

* Although I did: clean my room, clean up the kitchen, do 6 loads of laundry and pack for Europe as a run-through to see which bag would work. These things were not done because I had to do them that moment. They were evasive maneuvers.

** It was his fault. ;)

Labels: bar prep, everything, exercise, stress

posted by Zuska @ 2:08 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Likely Typical, But Certainly Not Welcome

realized out loud to Beloved while climbing into bed ... a week from tonight, i won't be sleeping, i'll be freaking out. because it will be the night before the exam.

i can't form words. i'm trying to say things, but the words are jumbled. i was trying to say "proceed" and "persist" sort of at once, thinking they were the same word. i think beloved was worried about me.

now it's 12:25, and i can't sleep. since i can't sleep, i'm not going to use capitalization.

i was trying to get my mind of ademption by extinction and the $25K (plus some fraction of the rest) that a spouse gets through the elective share statute as compared with the $200K (plus some other fraction of the rest) that a spouse gets if their SO dies intestate.

i tried to think instead about the novel i finished last night ... using the excuse of a mock exam and a couple glasses of wine, i studied not (well, i did 2 essays) and instead, finished The Road.

thinking about that novel was depressing, and i didn't like doing that.

the brain switched.

no more substance. no common nuclei of operative facts, no 10 v. 20 v. 30 day time limits.

lets instead think about my schedule! oh yes. good idea.

tomorrow, i have to do 300 essays, note cards for 3 MA subjects (one of which being Corps, which makes me want to die, and will likely take 8 hours), and at least 8,000 PMBR questions. did i mention i have PMBR from 9 to 4?

can't you feel the sleep creeping in? ha.

then i think ... huh. once the exam is over, i'll likely start freaking out about my job at future firm. i wonder what i'll wear. we're going to be low on funds, and i'm [at least] 30 pounds down from the last time i put on a suit.

this weekend i tried on some pants that were my faves last summer. i liked them b/c they made me feel slim.

they are now clown pants. it's not just in the waist (looks like literally 6 inches of empty space) but also in the rise. is that what you call it? from the crotch of the pants to the waist? i had been thinking i could get my old stuff taken in ... but putting these pants on made me think, uh, not sure it's gonna work. hopefully, by the time i start work, i'll be a 10. i used to be a 16, and they were a wee tight. today, i'm a 12.

then i thought, 'shit,' somewhere in the past 6 weeks of insanity and stress, i had some form of communication from future firm. they said they wanted a photo. for the little orientation book. or something. i think it was back in may. i didn't give them one. they said if we don't give them one, they're just gonna use last summer's photo. last summer's sucked. i took it while on vacation, and i was in a hurry, and it was just horrible and i hated it being in the summer book. i want a good one now. i'm happier with how i look and how i photograph.

i do this at night. i think of the things i need to do. things like:

sign and send in the lease
figure out what to do with the cats while we're in europe
find new shoes for europe
write e-mails to people i have neglected
put away the laundry in the basket so i can remove Mount Launderest from next to my toilet and perhaps even
do laundry
get picture for future firm

at least this time (right there) i wrote it all down.

i think i'm trying to find some solace in this freak out. this is how: i am pretty sure i'm going to pass the bar exam. i know what i have to do this week, and i feel capable of doing it. it's just a LOT, and in between, i'm going to freak out. if i didn't think i could pass, it would be some other kind of freak out. not this kind. not the "words no longer form propectly and the brain doesn't work unless it's reviewing the test for when a confession of a co-defendant can be used in court."

i'm also going to start suffering from PMS. I'm guessing by Friday, the PMS, and by Sunday, the .... M. being the 7-day gal that i am, it means that i will be mid-M during the bar exam.

i know, i know. i'm repeating myself. but i just typed that word "preating" instead of repeating, and it wasn't b/c it was a typo, it was because in my head, i said "preating." b/c i can't talk.

and now i can't sleep? shit.

Labels: bar prep, stress

posted by Zuska @ 12:23 AM 2 comments

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A little more draining than I expected

In the past few days, there has been some news coming through my bloglines peoples. The news makes me realize that - really - the bar exam is small potatoes.

As small and potato-ey as it is, though, it's tuckering me out.

PMBR Day 2 was tiring. Likely not as tiring as yesterday was, but tiring nonetheless. Tonight, I must review Wills, I must do 6 essays, and I must do probably (according to yesterday's practice test) 700 Evidence questions.

Evidence
Torts
Contracts

Three subjects I did best in during law school.

Three subjects I sucked ass in on the damned mock MBE. And on the BarBri one.

Whatever.

In 11 days, I'm going to Paris.

Labels: babies, bar prep, stress

posted by Zuska @ 6:05 PM 0 comments

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Unless you want to talk about divisible contracts

I am pretty boring and useless.

Beloved and I woke early-ish today and walked together to our respective gyms. I had a good work out. Then I came home. I looked through an LLBean catalog.

Then I started going through my (state) Civil Procedure outline, and putting it onto note cards. There were a few sections I had to pull out the book to puzzle through, but otherwise, it was straight forward.

Why, then, did it take 5.5 hours? Not sure.

We had dinner together (I'm so lucky that I have someone to cook for me), and then he went out. I opened up my Agency and Partnership outline, but found my stomach feeling quite sour at the thought of starting a new topic.

Now I'm looking at the movie Little Children.

I'm not really sure that I know why I got this movie from Netflix. I read the book. I was not impressed. I thought, perhaps, that Kate Winslet would be fun to watch. But her character is just as unlikeable in the movie as she was in the book - maybe less so, b/c movies can't explain the inner turmoil that causes her bitchiness with and disinterest in her daughter.

Also - why the HELL is the movie narrated by an old man? Hasn't anyone yet learned that odd narrations of books turned to movies SUCK? It really just sucks.

Fun bonus: a few scattered chances to look at Jennifer Connelly. I'm not sure I knew she was in this. I love her. If: a) I were not heterosexual; b) she were not heterosexual; c) I were not married; [is she married?] d) I hung out in Hollywood circles; and e) she were up for it - I'd hook up with her.

I came in to peer at my notecards while the movie is paused for peeing purposes, and I find myself much less than excited to get back to it. Agency and Partnership is super-short. Maybe if I went through it quick now, and THEN finished the movie, I could do even a third topic before sleeping? hmmmm.

WonL is doing a fun music post. I can't play. I can't listen to music while I study. I need my full concentration, and music with lyrics breaks that up and makes me NOT study, even while studying. What a waste that would be. It is quite unfortunate that I can't be fun. I wish I could be fun.

And a final thought --- I have never been such a NON mother. Not in 10 years. Almost 11. Maybe even more, because I did feel like a mother while I was pregnant with E. This summer, though, my brain is full. It's full of the bar exam, and it's full of Europe, and it's full of the upcoming Future Firm experience. I talk to the girls - geez, I think I've spoken with E every day, if not on the phone, then on IM - but I'm nowhere near as sidetracked by their lives in the middle of the country as I've been every single other year that they were gone. X will just have to handle things.

The worst part is, though, that E is pretty intuitive -- especially pertaining to me -- and I'm afraid she can sense my disengagement. There's really nothing I can do about it right now, though. The bar exam has to happen. I shared this hysterical post with her,* and she enjoyed that, and now is constantly saying, "I support you in law school!" Very cute.

J isn't as difficult - J is very good at being in the moment, in the situation she is in. Sometimes, that's not always so great, b/c those she is not with feel neglected (don't even get me started on her BFF and the enablement from that girl's mother - even that sentence feels like too much. Ya never know who will find the blog). I am personally happy for her that she has learned to be where she is, especially after the summer of 2 years ago, where she called me every. single. night. crying that she missed me and wanted to come home. God, that was miserable.

* Okay, it's not just a post - it's a project Quirky did when she was E's age. How cool was that? Please go look at it. I swear, some of the lines, I could 100% picture E writing herself! The bad part about sharing it with E ... she's now demanding a higher allowance. If she survives this summer knowing her Momma has Other Things To Think About, she can HAVE a higher allowance. Tons of thanks to Quirky for sharing her past with us :)

Labels: bar prep, kids, movies, stress, whining

posted by Zuska @ 8:05 PM 3 comments

Friday, July 13, 2007

Pens

I have gone through more pens during this bar exam nonsense than I ever have before in my LIFE. I start with a pen, and I use the pen a lot - to take notes in class, to write note cards, to make notes while doing questions ... and they die. It used to be that I spent so little time writing, I'd use a pen here, use a pen there, but they lasted a really long time, until I lost them. Now, I kill them. I suck all the ink out of them and work them to death.

Yeah, that is really all I've got.

Labels: bar prep, stress

posted by Zuska @ 1:20 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Do the hairs need to be split this fine?

Really, when the answer options are "Defendant may introduce evidence to show honesty," and "Defendant may introduce evidence to show truthfulness," is that really fair? I knew it had to be one of the two - but seriously - what's the difference? I looked it up in the dictionary, and truthfulness is defined as being honest.

I know, I know, it's a "term of art" or some such bullshit. I think it's just rude.

I chose truthfulness. I was wrong. It was honesty they were looking for.

Labels: bar exam, bar prep, stress

posted by Zuska @ 12:56 PM 2 comments

Friday, June 29, 2007

Fakin' it

I packed my bag this a.m., including pencils, BarBri i.d. (which was never checked ... of course), cashews, money. Everything I needed.

I walked down the sidewalk, listening to Crim now, since I haven't really reviewed it in a while. I turned right, up the path. I saw a train go by, and thought "oh, that's okay, I have plenty of time." Then I thought about my Scan Tron form, and how I know I didn't put it in my bag. Shit. Where is it, then? Oh, I remember, I stuck it in my ....... book. The book I'm supposed to bring today for the practice test. The book that I can't participate without. Yeah. It's home.

I only killed 15 minutes. I thought I needed those 15 minutes for my coffee, and I was quite upset to think that now I'd have to be late, since I wasn't about to give up my coffee.

Fortunately, Boston seems to have upped its train frequency in the past few months. Either that, or lots of Bostonians lost their jobs. Or something. Because the trains have just not been as crowded or as unreliable as they were last summer, or this past winter, or any other time that I've been a part of the commuting herds.

I arrived at the destination station in plenty of time to get coffee. I ran into a classmate who was wandering a little confusedly, like me, and wanting me to search for the testing center with her. No, I can't. I am going for COFFEE. Leave me alone!

Then I called my friend who had worked in the area, and said, "Um, I'm sort of lost, but not really, b/c I'm walking toward Starbucks, and that's all I really care about right now." She said, "Zuska, you're a dork, I'll meet you at Starbucks."

I saw her coming down the sidewalk. She was laughing and shaking her head. Even though we'd hung up seven minutes ago. Yes, she was still laughing at ME.

And oh, the test. Yeah. Right. That's what I was there for.

At approximately 11:20, my head started spinning. In that post-essay-writing-I-need-a-break kind of way - where it's hard to focus and such. But I soldiered on (what the hell else was I going to do?) and it passed. I ended the morning feeling okay. I didn't feel like I was failing miserably (HA!), and I thought that despite the 10 minute blip of foggy-headedness, my endurance was ok.

We had a hard time finding lunch. Apparently, this part of town is up-and-coming, but they're not quite there yet. At least not there enough to handle the demands of 1,000s of bar-exam-practicers. We ended up eating slices of pizza on our way back to the testing center. We arrived to find that some rude-heads had taken our seats. Jerks.

The afternoon started with me thinking, "shit, these are harder." I didn't get foggy-headed at all, but I got super bored at approximately 3 p.m. With 50 questions left to answer. So I went and peed.

Turns out, in the morning, when I thought I was doing great, I did worse than in the afternoon, when I felt like the questions were oh-so-hard. Go figure.

All in all, I think it was a fantastic experience. Oddly, this is not sarcasm. We had the benefit of doing our practice exam in the place where the real exam will be, and I think that fact alone was hugely beneficial. I know how to get there. I know where Starbucks is. I know I need to pack a lunch (I already placed my order with Beloved). I also know how it will feel on Day 1 with 200 multiple choice Q's (not so bad), and I know I can sit through it.

I also know that I need to improve dramatically if I'm going to pass, but that according to BarBri stats, it's well within my grasp. I also think I'm going into the wrong field. I freaking rocked crim law. Real Property? the subject we just learned this past with with the world's most annoying lecturer who Lyco and I want to stab with a fork -- man, did I tank. Second worst - Contracts. I know "they" say it's the hardest, but I feel like I understand Contracts. Why do I suck at them? I do not know. Torts is my second best.

I have never before in my life been in a situation where I'm honestly content with 57%.

This is my justification for my happiness with my obvious ignorance and lack of testing skills: If I was within passing range now, a month before the exam, I would spend the next month reading novels and playing goofy computer games. I am a girl who needs some flames lapping at my ass in order to do what needs to be done.

57% is a red-hot flame. (The MA goal is 65%, I want to be at 75% so that I don't feel like one essay blown, or one multiple choice question messed up will mean failure.)

But it's not a blue flame. If I had like, say, 35% ... I may be dying right now.

Also, for anyone who cares, I'm pretty sure I'll have my period during the real bar exam.

In MA, we're not allowed to bring anything to the test that does not fit in a clear ziploc bag, I think the Gallon size. They want to be sure we're not sneaking crib sheets in. Most women are thereby forced to bring their monthly supplies to the testing center while practically screaming I AM BLEEDING TODAY. I, however, am not one of those women. I am able to have my monthly disposals without broadcasting it to the world (ha ha ha! I just wrote it on my blog! I crack myself up.) I highly highly highly recommend this monthly method to all women of the world. Women who have been forced to go up to the perhaps not so close friend and say, "do you happen to have a tampon?" Also, for anyone who may be having a visit from that distant relative in July, and doesn't want the world to know. Or at least thousands of your future colleagues.

Labels: bar exam, bar prep, boston, stress, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 7:55 PM 4 comments

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Fire Within

When I get angry, really angry, I get a little ball of fire in my chest, and it makes me want to lash out, physically. Never at a person. I don't want to HIT people. But once, I hit the wall with a belt. Another time, I threw a banana. SEVERAL times, I threw phones. I've broken many phones, actually.

I think the last time I remember throwing a phone, I was in CA, and a single mom, and living paycheck to paycheck. I had just gotten paid, and therefore had plenty of money to go grocery shopping, pay my bills, etc. Yet, when I went to the grocery store, my card was declined. I called the bank to find out what was going on, and they told me that they randomly selected my check for a hold. A 2 week hold. On a PAYROLL check. They said, "oops, sorry, didn't know it was a payroll check, but the hold's on it now, so, too bad." (I'm pretty sure it's illegal to put a hold on a payroll check. It was in CT, I know that.)

I was so angry, I threw the phone from one corner of a relatively large room into the TOP edge of the wall on the opposite corner. HARD.

I mean, come on. I had to buy fucking GROCERIES.

And no, I didn't have credit cards. I had canceled them ALL after post-divorce necessities (i.e., rent and full time childcare before I found a full time job) ran them up toward $30K, and I only was able to pay them off b/c an uncle died. I was done living above my means.

That's the last time I threw a phone.

Today, I almost did it again.

I held it tight, with my knuckles white, and I said 'FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!' a thousand times.

I didn't throw. I held it tight. And I took deep breaths.

And I opened up my Contracts notes.

And I said "fuckfuckfuckfuck"

Then I called:

Hello, Insurance Company. This is Zuska. I just received the notice that you've denied the claim for my daughter's orthodontic work, which was thought necessary by her dentist and orthodontist as a medical procedure because her front tooth is trapped in her fucking gums [no, wait, i didn't say fucking], and so we applied for approval for dental insurance to cover the procedures required. This claim was denied. The problem is, the claim that was denied is in the name of my other daughter WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TO THIS FUCKING DENTIST IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. [no, wait, I was still calm].

Insurance company lady clucked sympathetically at me, and said:

oh yes, you are right, that would explain why we had no x-rays and no medical records and no doctor reports and no ANYTHING on file for her, and so that IS in fact, why it was denied. I'm sorry. The only thing you can do is have your dentist resubmit the claim. And, no, we can't expedite it, it wasn't our fault, it was the dentist's fault.

BUT IT HAS BEEN 10 FUCKING WEEKS, HER TEETH ARE GETTING WORSE, I HATE YOU!

No, I didn't say that. I pushed the "talk" button and again wandered from room to room saying fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

J hates her teeth. She is sad about the state of her teeth on a daily basis. There is of course the constant hope that since she is only 9, her teeth will get better on their own, but you see, they aren't getting better. They're getting worse. She's this gorgeous amazing kid who has to feel like she's NOT gorgeous or amazing, b/c she spends all her time trying to hide her fucking TEETH from the world. First she had a surgery to get an "extra" tooth removed, and the dentist in her Father's state felt that once that was removed, everything else would slide into place. But they did not. So I took her to the dentist, and we started this in February, what with the x-rays and the follow ups and the other baby teeth being pulled and the this and the that ....

(see? beautiful and amazing and gorgeous)

we were told 4 weeks.

It's been 10.

And I wanted her to have her braces ON before she left for the summer, so the braces could start to work (hopefully moving the blocking tooth to its rightful place so the blocked tooth can come down - also hopefully correcting her overbite, even a little, since that's not the goal of these braces - that will be left to the later braces, when she's in 7th grade, or something), and if it turned out that she needs another surgery (to put braces on the stuck tooth in order to pull it down into the land of sunshine), it could happen before she starts school.

But now that's impossible.

I called the dentist's office all afternoon. I called the right department about 100 times and left messages, but they didn't call me back. I think that the administrative offices are already in the summer "Fridays off" mode that takes over in Boston. Then I called the wrong departments, and told them that I was wondering if they were closed, since no one was answering their fucking telephones. They said "no, what do you mean?" They gave me another number, and so I left 15 more messages.

I am trying to come to terms with the timing of everything. Since we only got our answer today, on June 22, the chances of her getting all the prep for braces done AND the braces put on before she leaves on 7/6 are pretty slim. So even if today's letter said yes ... it wouldn't have happened before she leaves for 4 weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to fight and argue and bitch and moan while she's gone, and get the dentists office to at least expedite as much as they can, and hopefully have approval in hand before she gets home.

I am so mad at this dentist's office, which is one the few covered by current insurance, that I 1/2 just want to stop. We're going to be on ridiculously fantastic insurance come the fall with my new job (as opposed to the current shitty insurance), and I will likely switch providers then. But I don't know if she can wait - I was told by at least one person that there's a risk that if her tooth stays in the gum, it will start to break down. It needs to come out and play.

I am not a happy momma.

Labels: *J*, anger, dentists, insurance, stress

posted by Zuska @ 4:47 PM 2 comments

Tort Dude is Funny

Lyco already posted some of the best moments. I was thinking what geeks us bar-exam-studiers are, cracking up at the Torts jokes. Since this was the class that ran the longest, I was grateful for the dude's stand up routine. He had me laughing hard on many occasions (WHY on god's green earth, can I never spell this word?). I think today's hypo about the purpose (or lack thereof) behind statutes criminalizing marijuana were my faves. He also put a tiger in a cage into some random back yard in MY town, and that was fun, b/c I like Tigers.

The girls are at a friend's house today, and she doesn't want to bring them home. I'm almost through the Contracts notes, which means I'm only 2 days behind now, instead of 4. Progress, right?

The outdoor light is yellow, on account of thunder storms rolling through. I love thunderstorms.

Labels: bar prep, stress, weather

posted by Zuska @ 4:43 PM 1 comments

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Bar Exam = Unhappy Husband

I didn't get much done over the weekend. I was busy swimming and attending soccer games and such.

So yesterday, I told Beloved that I would go to the library for the entire afternoon, and that he should arrange for the kids to get home (they can walk on their own now, which is VERY nice), and that I would come home when dinner was ready, and please make dinner ready between 6:30 and 7, or actually, just plain old 7, thank you very much.

Then I got home, and I was a bitch. Not really to him ... but to the girls, and I came in and totally changed the atmosphere of the house - from him cooking peacefully and the girls peacefully hanging out in their room (getting along, even), and made the girls surly and it wasn't very nice.

I apologized to the kidlets, but not really to Beloved. (I didn't bitch at him.)

So then we sit down to dinner, and Beloved says "I haven't planned dinner for tomorrow night."

Now, it has been an intermittent rule in this house that on days he works until 6:30 (Tues. and Fri), I cook. Very intermittent. But I was afraid the rule was being invoked, and so I said:

"I can't do that. I'm not doing it tomorrow. I just can't handle doing dinner on top of all of this."

Yeah, nice of me.

We finished dinner at around 8 p.m. (maybe a little earlier), and I was just BEAT. The glass of wine I had probably contributed to that exhaustion (and I made a note of that fact), and I just .... sat. I thought about doing MORE work, since I'm still at least 6 hours behind the "paced program" that the all-knowing bar review company has us on, but I just ... couldn't. I thought about doing laundry, but that thought made me want to die. I was overwhelmed b/c the dishwasher hadn't been run and the sink and counters were covered with dinner and Beloved's lunch, and that morning's breakfast ....

I loaded the dishwasher, and sat on the couch with a mindless computer game. In between those two tasks, I went into the bedroom where Beloved was finishing up his latest writing project, and I said something about "fucking" and something about the kitchen and something about exhaustion, and I certainly didn't mean it would be fun to have sex on the table until exhausted. Actually, bar exam DOES NOT = sex.

5 minutes later, while I was sitting on the couch, Beloved came out of our bedroom (also known as "his office") and said, "sweetie, if you're really that tired, you go on to bed, and I'll take care of the kitchen."

I thought perhaps it would be wrong of me to take him up on it. After all, he cooked. And he's cleaned up the kitchen when it's actually MY job (he who cooks does not clean), but, I rationalized, he went back to bed this morning after the girls left, and I didn't. I went to class. Then I went to the library (after taking literally 8 minutes at home to wolf down some protein), and I worked for 5 hours straight.

So I went to bed. But he seemed grouchy with me --- he really wasn't grouchy when he came in and said he'd clean up. I don't know what happened in between. Perhaps the offer was actually a test. Perhaps it was because he was looking at hotels in Paris and Amsterdam, and was mad that I hadn't already taken care of it (although he's been to both cities, and I've been to neither, and the one time I thought I found a cool Paris hotel, he said it was in a bad area, too far from the center, and so I feel like I can't do it without him, and we're never together - either I'm working or he's writing).

I asked him if he was grouchy, and he said yes. I asked him why, and he said I shouldn't ask that kind of question ... or something.

Then he said he was upset b/c the bar exam makes me self-centered and makes me put everything off. Or something like that. I think the point was: all you talk about is law; all you want to do is study; you never do the laundry; the living room is a mess; and you are BORING."

So I went to sleep.

But then this a.m., I texted him, and said that I WOULD take care of dinner. But his phone was on the kitchen counter, and he was at work.

Tonight, though, I'm doing laundry. My 3rd and 4th loads are in the washer RIGHT NOW.

Labels: bar exam, beloved, housework, marriage, stress

posted by Zuska @ 7:17 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Bar Exam Crisis of Confidence (yes, already)

Over the weekend, I obnoxiously gloated over getting 84% correct on my first set of practice questions.

Last night, I spent time doing assigned practice MBE questions, and received approximately 67% correct, and was disappointed at the decrease, but knew it was in line with what they said to expect now. But then I noticed they said to do the "Intermediate" questions, and I had done the "Introductory." Oh, crap. I decided to do the Intermediate, so I was on track, and didn't fall behind.

Oh. My. God. I got 7 right. Out of 18.

I am going to fail.

F.A.I.L.

I was very upset about it.

Then I argued with Beloved. Or, he argued with me. Or something. I don't care if I'm delicate right now, after the weekend realization of the accumulation of the stress, and then the very bad grades, and the girls freaking out over their summer travels (each have had a night of tears over strife with their father and their desire to just stay home for the summer) ... that is NOT why we argued. We argued b/c he was mean to me. And I didn't feel like forgiving him, b/c I realized that his attitude that resulted in a snappish retort was also the attitude that resulted in a previous blank stare, which I had chosen, 10 minutes prior, to read as his being worried about me on account of my poor performance on the practice Qs, and when I realized that my assumptions about the look he gave me was so off the mark, that it was really a blank stare of irritation and really resulted from an utter lack of desire for me to open my mouth and make sounds in his general direction, well, I was upset. Very. And I had many flashbacks from my previous life, and I started to hate myself a wee bit. On account of the irritatingness of me, and the bad scores and wrong answers, and the miserable kids, and and and.

Needless to say, I did NOT get a good night's sleep.

_____________________

This afternoon, after I was released from the excruciating pain of Evidence II [which likely would be less painful if it wasn't going to be followed by Evidence III], I got on the T, stopped on the way home at a store that one of J's bday presents was purchased at in order to exchange a duplicate, came home, took my stupid hand-outs/outline book out of my bag, and put IN the stupid CONVISER bullshit, the practice questions book, my notebook with my crim notes (the questions I so horribly bombed), my birth certificate, my divorce judgment, my old passport with my old (married) last name, and went to the local pharmacy/everything-store to get a passport photo taken, and to buy note cards. I found these really cute index card organizers, which are small, but have little dividers and little stickers. I bought 2. They're so cute. I love them. They make me feel organized and like I'm on the way to becoming intelligent.

Then I picked up a couple rolls of tuna sushi, b/c I hadn't eaten anything but a nectarine all damned day, and I thought it would be better than Friday's meal replacement (peanut M&Ms ... not a good thing).

Then I went to the Town Hall, checkbook in hand, prepared to hand over $120 instead of $60, b/c I am a slacker. Queen slacker, to you, thank you very much. I had been at the town hall in NOVEMBER and got an application for my passport, b/c Beloved and I had considered getting married in Canada, and passport rules were changing. I even had my picture taken.

I just never went back. Even though the Town Hall opens at 8 a.m., and I had ample time all spring. It just always felt like I had time, and that it would be okay.

Now it's June 5, and we are leaving for France (which is, by the way, a different country) on July 28. We will then go from France to The Netherlands, and I will likely need a passport for that.

June 5 to July 28 ... less than 60 days.

It's all very irritating.

My passport isn't even EXPIRED, it just has the wrong damned name on it.

The woman tried to tell me that I needed my driver's license, b/c it wasn't a renewal, but rather a new passport. I told her "no it's not a new passport ... why do you need my driver's license? you're holding my passport!" She said, "uh huh, name changes are new passports, unless it's within a year of the name change, and yours is dated 2004." I said, "I was here a few months ago, and I was told it was a renewal. Can you please double check?" [I was not mean, although my meanness was just beneath my skin. Just like it was with the passport photo person who was rude and obnoxious and took it out on me that her manager likely broke the damned law by going and getting her from her lunch break to take my picture b/c the manager couldn't figure out how to turn a camera on; and just like it was with the woman in the toy store where I exchanged J's gift, b/c she insisted on taking every tiny piece of information she could think of from me before she'd exchange the damned toy]

She called the Passport Gods who told her that she was dumb, and I was smart. I wish they were on the Board of Bar Examiners. They wouldn't have given me THIRTY PERCENT.

Finally, at 2:40, I went to the library with my mound of books. I staked out a table, and then went to the children's room to find E and her friends, whose parents I told I would be an adult presence for while they're working out how to spread their 5th grade little wings. They were being good.

I then commenced note card creation. I got through crim LAW, but not crim PRO in 2 hours. Damn. We may call it 1.5 hours, since E came upstairs for snack money a couple times, and her friend's mom called, and then came by. But it was still slow going.

And I didn't even bring my computer. I did nothing but work (and mother).

Tonight, I'm supposed to do the following:

make cards for crim pro
read Con Law I (which is dumb ... we don't even do that until THURSDAY)
do 52 Qs in crim (the other 1/2 of last night's, plus tonight's)
condense today's notes from Evidence II
jump off a bridge

Bar prep is proving stressful already. I'm not happy. Still.

Labels: bar prep, beloved, parenting, stress, travel, whining

posted by Zuska @ 5:53 PM 2 comments

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Woman on the Verge ....

Yeah, I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

J's party went well. Beloved ran the tie-dye station, and he was utterly amazing. He used to teach art in high schools and middle schools, and it really showed. He was so organized, and prepared, and did a fantastic job. I was very impressed.

We ended up staying at our friends' house until after 10, and left J there. We had to make a bargain with her and her BFF that if they would not insist on sitting next to each other and having each other for partners the entire time (remember, it was a joint birthday party - our thinking was that if they were stuck to each other like glue, then it wouldn't be fun for the other kids, who would want to be with the "birthday girl"), then they could have a sleepover.

Honestly, that's not the kind of bargain I usually make with my kids. But I wasn't the only mom in the room or the situation. I usually say, "Either you be a good hostess and participate equally with all of your guests, or you will not only have no party next year, but you will also miss the other birthday parties that are coming up this year." Instead, she got a sleepover with her BFF. And more --- they're off getting manicures this morning! Geez. That's some birthday weekend!

The prep for the party, though, really took it out of me. We left there late last night, and got home with only E, who was upset about a movie she'd seen at a different friend's house that had to do with a father and child reconciling after years of a difficult relationship. She was upset that she doesn't think she can reconcile with her father ... that it's "impossible." That opened up a giant can of worms, and those worms grew to the size of the biggest snakes in the entire universe - not only the universe in reality, but the universe of all imaginations everywhere. Which means a lto of stuff got dredged up, and I ended up in bed at midnight, tossing and turning with angst over the situation.

I just f ind myself on hte verge of tears this morning. I woke up on Friday with a slight tweak in my back, along my left shoulder blade. IT wasn't too bad ... but then when I got in bed Friday night, I found it hurting a lot. It's an odd pain in that it hurts most when I'm lying down. I woke up on Saturday with severe pain, now on both sides of my spine, next to both shoulder blades, and a shitty night's sleep, b/c every time I turned my head or tried to roll over, the pain twinged.

Last night, it was worse, and this a.m., I'm having a hard time doing most normal tasks. Including moving my head or arms.

I also am awake to the realization that I should spend the entire day doing BarBri stuff, that I'm behind, and that it sucks.

I just feel like all the stress of the past 2 weeks is manifesting itself in my shoulders and my tear ducts, and I kind of want to hide under a rock and dissolve.

It probably doesn't help that waking at 7 with the little ones yesterday, and then at 8 to bring E to a make up cello lesson today resulted in no exercise this weekend. Sure, I could go for a run now, instead of studying for the bar exam. While unable to move my arms or my head. But I think I'm better off studying.

I was going to go to the library today to do my work, but J has a project due this week, and I'm supposed to help her with that, and I am not sure I can just disappear.

Groan moan groan cry ow.

Labels: bar prep, birthdays, exercise, family, health, stress, weekends, whining

posted by Zuska @ 11:29 AM 7 comments

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