We picked the girls up yesterday at around 5 p.m. It is great to see them - they look healthy and beautiful.

They had a good summer, and so were a little sad to be away from X, but also ready to be home. Makes for a tough transition day. More of a tough transition night. It's when bedtime rolls around that their unsettledness comes out. J ends up afraid that the world is going to get struck by a meteor or something while she sleeps, and E just says, "I miss daddy, and I'm also afraid that we'll never have such a good summer again." We did our best to calm them both down - I tried to convince E that it's okay to be sad when you miss someone, and not to expect it to go away instantly. And maybe that it's good to feel sad, sometimes. Beloved helped J to think about positive possibilities, and to try to train her mind to go in that direction, instead of the calamitous.

Today, we've had a relatively smooth day. I felt like since school let out in June, the girls had been getting along with one another pretty well - especially in the Middle of the Country. Not today. Bickering started pretty early. They also weren't happy with me for enforcing my declaration that we would not stay in transition for a week, i.e., they had to unpack, and straighten their room. I didn't even push it too hard (their room is far from perfect), but they reacted strongly to the bit I did require.

Eventually, we got out the door to the pool. We had a nice time there. E is really quick to be upset. I know there's a transition happening - but she's seeming to be a little spoiled. She is upset mostly when she doesn't get her way. When the pool changed the rules so she couldn't dive off the side of the pool; when I didn't want to play a 4th game of Uno or a 2nd game of Clue; when I said "not right now" to reading her script with her, b/c we'd just finished 4 games of Uno and 2 games of Clue, and it's 9:30, and I'm tired.

When I know they're struggling with transitions, I feel like I need to bend over backward to help. That I need to say yes to all the games and other activities. But I don't like her reactions today. She's not being really all that obnoxious - it's more of a quiet (tragic) sulking.

We'll work through it, I'm sure. For all I know it's something that she found worked with X, and is trying it here. They seem to have found a way to spend much more time with him this trip, even though he was teaching a class every day, and perhaps this was the key there. Sulking. It's not a key here. Sure, I followed her into her room a couple times to see if she was okay, but then I just enforced the things I had previously said to her.

I know things will even out. They always do after a few rocky days.

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, tears

posted by Zuska @ 9:01 AM 0 comments

Friday, July 20, 2007

A Moment of Mommy-Sadness

My kids are in a play. Right now. They have been in a drama camp in the Middle of the Country, and today is the performance. There are two of them (performances) today. They are in a scene together, and have a duet, and a dance, and everything.

I have never ever ever missed one of their performances. And in two short years, there have been MANY. 3 per year per kid. Maybe 4. I have to say, I'm feeling quite sad about missing this one. I would never have entertained the idea of traveling to the Middle of the Country for this performance ... it's a 2 week camp, it's X's thing, blah, blah blah (and that's not even considering what's going on at this point in MY life). But the sadness remains.

I bet they're so cute. I hope there's a way to get pictures. I guess it's good that X gets a taste of the excitement, and the nervousness, and the process. I just miss it.

I also fear that they will have a harder time once this camp is over (this performance marks the end). They have been seeming to be very busy, and to be having a lot of fun there so far. E has weird moments, though, where she calls here with an almost-desperation. Last night, she called using X's cell phone (which she seems to have unfettered access to) from a concert. So there was lots of noise, and a frantic voice saying, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU MOMMY!" I tried to tell her that it was clearly not a good time for a phone call, but she couldn't hear me. So I hung up. She called back. Finally, she called from their walk home, and said that she just missed me so much, she had to call.

I think that next week, they'll enjoy the ability to just knock around the house, but the NEXT week, they'll start to get bored. And they'll have almost zero access to me, since I'll be in Europe, and I don't have a phone that works in Europe, and I don't want to pay for international cell phone calls.

I will buy a phone card once we arrive, but E won't be able to call ME whenever she's feeling frantic and desperate. She'll have to adhere to a schedule.

Tonight they're going to the HP release party. They're VERY excited about that, and X's wife has been helping them with their costumes, and took them to a second hand clothing store yesterday to find robes and such - I am very grateful that she's so engaged (and always has been) and really picks up the slack that X has always always left behind.

I think I'll go place a quick "good luck" phone call (I realized that I once again added an hour instead of subtracted - their performance is in an hour.)

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 5:50 PM 0 comments

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Truly, the last post

The girls called tonight. They're okay (of course). X did make some improvements to their bedroom ... or rather "X is making some improvements to their bedroom." J couldn't go to bed yet, even though her voice sounded like sandpaper, b/c he was still trying to put some furniture together in their room at 10:15 this evening. But he's making an effort, and I know that they notice. This is good for them.

It's good to hear their voices. I avoided telling them that I was sweeping and vacuuming their room in order to get remnants of them OUT and the trappings of BarBri and PMBR in.

They miss us a lot, and it results in them wanting to just park their butts on the phone. I hate cutting them off, but at the same time, they need to live their lives there. They need to be with their father. They need to not hold on so tight to this part of their lives, to the exclusion of the other.

I hate knowing that E has 1,000,000 things going on in her head that she doesn't share, and I feel like I'm being over-scrutinized when I tell her that it's time to say goodnight. That perhaps she's thinking, "oh, mom is glad we're gone, she can't wait to spend her time doing other things." When really, that's not true. I mean, yeah, I have to study, but I'd always rather have them here than not. She asked, though, if she can chat with me on google talk tomorrow, and I told her we'd be out for most the day (Shoes! Movies!) and she was a little disappointed.

I know ... she'll survive. She knows how much we love her, and she knows how much of our lives we dedicate to her and her sister's happiness and well being.

I know.

Labels: divorce, kids, parenting, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 1:24 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Summer as Torture

One of the worst parts of the days prior to the girls' departure: Tears.

Tonight it's J. She said bye to her BFF tonight, because BFF leaves for their summer house, and they don't return until J's in the middle of the country, and then before J returns, BFF and her family take off for Europe and Israel. They don't return until J is on her way to CT for my brother's baby shower/party/celebration, and then school starts.

This triggered an all-out tear fest about how the Middle Of the Country Sucks. About how all they do there is 5 things: watch t.v., go to the park, go swimming, go to their dad's office, and play on the computer.

I was a little confused. All they do here is go to the park, go swimming, play on the computer ... and?

She corrected me. We think of fun things to do. Beloved takes her to get iceys (she said that like 4 times. Who knew the power of the well-timed Slurpee?), we take them to movies, they have play dates with their friends, we go to concerts at parks.

She said, "every body loves summer but me - summer is torture!" and she had 4 little tear drops coming out of one eye at a time.

:(

What can I say? What can I do?

I got X to agree to a shorter summer from now on - 4 weeks instead of 6 (this year is 5). Two years ago, the girls were so miserable, they came home a week early. I paid the change fee for their plane tickets home.

She wants to not go at all.

Then she said she wants a break next year - she doesn't want to go at all. But she won't tell her father, b/c he'll be mad at her, or he will stop liking her, or he will think she doesn't like him.

Things wouldn't be better for her here this summer. Not with this fucking bar exam. But she said it would. She said that she could hang out with Beloved, and she could go to the library, and she could go to the pool, and she could go to the park, she could get together with friends, and she could BE HAPPY (she yelled that ... it's not a typical Zuska-over-emphasis-with-annoying-caps-lock).

She can't stay home this summer. I'll see how she feels when she returns (always better than before she leaves), and perhaps I'll pass on her request to X for a summer off.

We'll see.

I suspect that now that his financial obligations are being cut in half, and are no longer tied to time spent with the kids (which is how CA does it), he may very well say yes.

Labels: *J*, divorce, summer, tears, X

posted by Zuska @ 9:56 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

accomplishments!!

today, i was successful at dragging my lazy ass outside in 33 degree weather to go for a run. i always think that cold weather makes it harder to run, and often use it as an excuse. however, the last three days and a close examination of my past shows me that it is not true. cold weather is GOOD for me to run in. i like to run in cold weather. i lost my pregnancy weight running in cold weather, back in 1999/2000. i actually have a harder time in HOT weather.

i was then successful at getting my MA driver's license. i almost hit a snag, b/c my social security card still shows the married name on it (but the maiden name is there, too, as a middle name, and this maiden name does not exist outside my very small family - there's no question that i'm the same person). i had my divorce judgment (which couples as proof of legal name change in CA, where the divorce happened), but they wouldn't even look at that. too bad, they said. but then a supervisor came over, looked at the window-meany-head-girl like she was stoooopid (she wasn't - she was just mean and bitter and hates her job and all the people who are forced to speak to her b/c it is her job) and told her that since my current (maiden) name comes up when she puts my social security number into the "system" - she needed to leave me alone and give me my damned license.

phew.

i was then successful at getting the paperwork completed for my upper level writing requirement for school. it was something i wrote last fall, and the form required my signature, my professor's signature - and that's it. why i waited a year, i have no idea. but it's done now. i'm that much closer to graduating.

i was NOT successful at getting to the social security office, b/c it was a good bit out of the way, and since i went for a run at 8:15 instead of 6:00, i was tighter on time than i planned.

i was successful at getting my hairs cut. i won't call it "unsuccessful" to say that i did not color my hair. i really don't want to be "coloring my hair" - i wanted one little burst of auburn hair for the sake of the season. i don't want roots. i don't want to feel like i have to KEEP coloring my hair. my hair-person told me that considering all of that - i shouldn't color my hair. that reds fade fast, and not always to a pleasant color.

she also said that my natural color is so beautiful and highlighted (naturally) and interesting, that i'd be a FOOL to cover it up.

she loves me.

who could blame her?

i don't agree with her, but still, i appreciated her advice, and took it.

the hair is short. probably 4 or 5 inches came off. i love it. it's good.

i then went to my town hall, and e. was sitting on the floor in the lobby. what the hell? why was she there? there were lots of kids there from her after-school program. i knew she was starting this (optional) program on recycling, where they're volunteering to help out with the town's recycling program during her after-school time, but i thought it was at the library.

i have never been to my town hall before.

e. has never been to our town hall before.

and yet, today, when i decide to go for the first time, she's there?

it was soooooo weird. i felt like i was following her. but i was NOT.

she saw my hair, and it was cute.

when they were little, i used to wonder if changes in my hair would make it so they didn't recognize me. i thought about that again today. i wondered if when i go to pick up j., and her eyes hit the door way b/c a mom has entered, and she doesn't see the long hair, or the pony tail, will her eyes just go back to her book/game/friend? or will she know it's me anyway?

well, when e. saw me, her eyes were on my eyes, and of COURSE she knew it was me. then came the shock, as her view of me widened. it was so cute. i just flipped my hair and walked away.

b/c she was learning about recycling.

i went there for the purpose of getting a passport with my proper name. b/c of the name change, and my passport being 5 years old, i basically have to apply for a new passport. i had everything with me that i needed except pictures. so i then went and had pictures taken.

i was going to go right back, but i didn't have my checkbook ($67), and i don't know how to spell my mother's maiden name.

it's a very hard maiden name. it's czechoslavakian. the question i always have is whether it's ending is -shick, -chick, or schick, or -shik, -chik, or schik. i have no idea. she gets mad every time i have to ask, too. angry. she will be angry with me tonight, b/c i plan on bringing this puppy in tomorrow a.m.

then i came home and decided to confront a personal issue that has been making me very unhappy for a week or so, and it was hard, and emotionally draining, and it's not even over with.

i am also in the process of making a roast. i think it's gonna be yummy.

but now i have to go get j.

Labels: divorce, housework, kids, law school, life

posted by Zuska @ 4:59 PM 1 comments

Sunday, November 19, 2006

ducks in a row

i just scoured the house for all the pieces i need for my first errand on Tuesday --- getting my MA driver's license.

this is just evidence that i am the Queen Procrastinator. i moved to MA over 2 years ago, and still have not gotten my license, despite the fact that, at times, it has caused me a little bit of inconvenience.

so why now? b/c my driver's license expires on my birthday this year. which is in, ohhhh, 2.1 weeks, or something like that. and i start work next monday, so i have to do it this week.

things get complicated for me, though, when i have to do this kind of thing. b/c i am the Queen Procrastinator, i have not updated all my crap from the name-change associated with my divorce. why couldn't i have been this kind of procrastinator back when i got married? and never changed things over then? i have no idea.

but my passport and social security card still sport my ex-married name. which means i need to bring my birth certificate, and i need to bring my divorce judgment, and i need to bring all this other CRAP just to prove who i am. it wouldn't be this hard if i were organized and timely.

but i'm not.

and of course, none of these things are in places where i can find them. i thought i put my birth certificate in my filing cabinet, but there are no labels on the files, so how am i supposed to know where it is? i searched the whole damned thing, and didn't find it. so i looked through my box of "things to be filed" (in the files with no labels) and it still wasn't there. so i looked through my 'everything drawer' and my 'everything shelf' (i.e., junk drawer; crap pile), still nothing.

then i went to find my current lease, for purposes of proving residency, and right there in the front-most file, i find my birth certificate.

JESUS!!!

but now i have everything. everything i could possibly need.

and on tuesday morning, i will grab my things, get on the train, go to downtown boston, and get me a new driver's license. finally.

i should probably check into where the social security office is, too, and go in there with my divorce papers, so i can get a new card, and then shortly get a new passport ....

i think i need one to go to Canada now, don't i? and i want to get married in canada on 2/2.

no more procrastinating!

Labels: divorce, life, procrastination

posted by Zuska @ 10:03 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Reconnecting

in college, i had a very close friend, JS. my parents used to be concerned that we were too close. as in, lesbian lovers. we were not. but we had a practically symbiotic friendship, and worked hard to maintain it until the day i got married to the ex. she moved to CT after i graduated (despite the fact that she had a year or so left of college in VA) and took a job as a nanny for about a year nearby to my parents' home. we stayed in touch somewhat after i got married (1994) and had kids (1996), and she visited me at least once in CA, but my marriage definitely was the major changing point for us. i don't blame her for not moving to Alabama to maintain the pre-marriage level of our friendship. i highly doubt that the ex would have appreciated it ... although, he may have appreciated my being around less. he wasn't too fond of me. he liked his professor better.

JS got married in August of 2001, and i was in her wedding. at the time, the ex and i were still living together, but alternating nights on the couch, and we were already pretty much separated. i did not tell JS about this at her wedding .... duh. but i was a mess. an utter and total mess. this was around the time that i toyed with just walking away from everything on my own - sans kids. she, however, was completely unaware, and that's good.

not too long after (perhaps 3 or 4 months) i called her and told her about my separation from the ex.

see up there where i said we were in college together? remember what college that was? so JS was most definitely of that persuasion. to say she disapproved of the ending of my marriage is putting it very lightly. she was also very upset about my shedding of the faith. that was a little strange, b/c when we were in college, she was the rebellious pastor's kid - we were far from the spiritual enthusiasts. but she returned to the fold in her mid-20's and her husband's family and her family were both pillars in their local church.

needless to say, things have been very distant between us for the last 5 years. but i recently received an e-mail from her, and we've been talking back and forth for a couple of weeks. religious issues have not come up at all, but she did apologize for her reaction to my situation 5 years ago. she and her husband are dealing with some fertility issues right now, and also contemplating a big move and career change(s), so there's a lot going on with her. as with me 5 years ago, a lot she had never planned on having to deal with.

it's been nice to reconnect. i hope we maintain it.

Labels: divorce, friendship, religion

posted by Zuska @ 3:38 PM 0 comments

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