Over the weekend, I obnoxiously gloated over getting 84% correct on my first set of practice questions.

Last night, I spent time doing assigned practice MBE questions, and received approximately 67% correct, and was disappointed at the decrease, but knew it was in line with what they said to expect now. But then I noticed they said to do the "Intermediate" questions, and I had done the "Introductory." Oh, crap. I decided to do the Intermediate, so I was on track, and didn't fall behind.

Oh. My. God. I got 7 right. Out of 18.

I am going to fail.

F.A.I.L.

I was very upset about it.

Then I argued with Beloved. Or, he argued with me. Or something. I don't care if I'm delicate right now, after the weekend realization of the accumulation of the stress, and then the very bad grades, and the girls freaking out over their summer travels (each have had a night of tears over strife with their father and their desire to just stay home for the summer) ... that is NOT why we argued. We argued b/c he was mean to me. And I didn't feel like forgiving him, b/c I realized that his attitude that resulted in a snappish retort was also the attitude that resulted in a previous blank stare, which I had chosen, 10 minutes prior, to read as his being worried about me on account of my poor performance on the practice Qs, and when I realized that my assumptions about the look he gave me was so off the mark, that it was really a blank stare of irritation and really resulted from an utter lack of desire for me to open my mouth and make sounds in his general direction, well, I was upset. Very. And I had many flashbacks from my previous life, and I started to hate myself a wee bit. On account of the irritatingness of me, and the bad scores and wrong answers, and the miserable kids, and and and.

Needless to say, I did NOT get a good night's sleep.

_____________________

This afternoon, after I was released from the excruciating pain of Evidence II [which likely would be less painful if it wasn't going to be followed by Evidence III], I got on the T, stopped on the way home at a store that one of J's bday presents was purchased at in order to exchange a duplicate, came home, took my stupid hand-outs/outline book out of my bag, and put IN the stupid CONVISER bullshit, the practice questions book, my notebook with my crim notes (the questions I so horribly bombed), my birth certificate, my divorce judgment, my old passport with my old (married) last name, and went to the local pharmacy/everything-store to get a passport photo taken, and to buy note cards. I found these really cute index card organizers, which are small, but have little dividers and little stickers. I bought 2. They're so cute. I love them. They make me feel organized and like I'm on the way to becoming intelligent.

Then I picked up a couple rolls of tuna sushi, b/c I hadn't eaten anything but a nectarine all damned day, and I thought it would be better than Friday's meal replacement (peanut M&Ms ... not a good thing).

Then I went to the Town Hall, checkbook in hand, prepared to hand over $120 instead of $60, b/c I am a slacker. Queen slacker, to you, thank you very much. I had been at the town hall in NOVEMBER and got an application for my passport, b/c Beloved and I had considered getting married in Canada, and passport rules were changing. I even had my picture taken.

I just never went back. Even though the Town Hall opens at 8 a.m., and I had ample time all spring. It just always felt like I had time, and that it would be okay.

Now it's June 5, and we are leaving for France (which is, by the way, a different country) on July 28. We will then go from France to The Netherlands, and I will likely need a passport for that.

June 5 to July 28 ... less than 60 days.

It's all very irritating.

My passport isn't even EXPIRED, it just has the wrong damned name on it.

The woman tried to tell me that I needed my driver's license, b/c it wasn't a renewal, but rather a new passport. I told her "no it's not a new passport ... why do you need my driver's license? you're holding my passport!" She said, "uh huh, name changes are new passports, unless it's within a year of the name change, and yours is dated 2004." I said, "I was here a few months ago, and I was told it was a renewal. Can you please double check?" [I was not mean, although my meanness was just beneath my skin. Just like it was with the passport photo person who was rude and obnoxious and took it out on me that her manager likely broke the damned law by going and getting her from her lunch break to take my picture b/c the manager couldn't figure out how to turn a camera on; and just like it was with the woman in the toy store where I exchanged J's gift, b/c she insisted on taking every tiny piece of information she could think of from me before she'd exchange the damned toy]

She called the Passport Gods who told her that she was dumb, and I was smart. I wish they were on the Board of Bar Examiners. They wouldn't have given me THIRTY PERCENT.

Finally, at 2:40, I went to the library with my mound of books. I staked out a table, and then went to the children's room to find E and her friends, whose parents I told I would be an adult presence for while they're working out how to spread their 5th grade little wings. They were being good.

I then commenced note card creation. I got through crim LAW, but not crim PRO in 2 hours. Damn. We may call it 1.5 hours, since E came upstairs for snack money a couple times, and her friend's mom called, and then came by. But it was still slow going.

And I didn't even bring my computer. I did nothing but work (and mother).

Tonight, I'm supposed to do the following:

make cards for crim pro
read Con Law I (which is dumb ... we don't even do that until THURSDAY)
do 52 Qs in crim (the other 1/2 of last night's, plus tonight's)
condense today's notes from Evidence II
jump off a bridge

Bar prep is proving stressful already. I'm not happy. Still.

Labels: bar prep, beloved, parenting, stress, travel, whining

posted by Zuska @ 5:53 PM

2 Comments:

At Tuesday, June 05, 2007 7:20:00 PM, Law-Rah said…

Okay, I'm not gonna lie...you freaked me out with your damn 84% anyway! You will be fine. We will all be fine. The quote that keeps me going: "remember, we are not aiming for top 10%, we are aiming for top 80%, and there are some real dumbasses out there!"
At Wednesday, June 06, 2007 8:22:00 PM, Anonymous said…

geez, the bar sounds miserable.

Ok, I know the blog is probably the least of your concerns, but I was wondering if you were going to continue it once you were working. I want to add you to my blogroll.