I am not really a romantic person, as the term is generally understood. If Beloved wrote me poems, I would be uncomfortable and squirmy, and it would be too intense for me. I would run away or giggle and generally react badly. I don't think diamonds are a good gift idea. I don't feel that I need flowers, or cutesy notes around the house.

However. When we returned from Europe, and I spent a little time reflecting on our time together, I decided - that was a romantic trip.

It was just the two of us. We had nothing pressing on either of us. We enjoyed each other's company, we had plentiful and enjoyable conversations. We explored new places together, we were flexible together, and we were tired together. We had a few moments where we sniped at one another, but we quickly returned with apologies. I know we both were very conscious of the other's needs and quirks and weaknesses. We sat in cafes, sipping coffee, or wine, or nibbling on crepes. We visited some funky coffeeshops, and sipped cokes and fresh squeezed orange juices, and giggled our asses off. We made plans for our future - our future trips, our future homes, our future lives, our kids' futures.

We had a blast.

Coming home and being back in our apartment, in our town - the bubble shrunk, if it didn't pop quite yet. The empty fridge that needed filling, the cats that needed feeding, the air conditioners that wouldn't turn on, the mail that (still) hadn't been delivered, the girls' impending arrival -- all of that came in on us pretty quickly, and already, there was a wee bit less forgiveness, flexibility, tolerance. I tried hard to hold onto it. I wanted our vacation selves to stick around.

Now the girls are home, and man, the bubble is popped. It's just hard. We can't focus on each other the same. There's the girls to focus on. It's their needs that we both dance around and accommodate, rather than our own or each other's. I miss it. I think, Europe or not, I miss it every year. I will find solace in knowing it's there, waiting for us, and will be there for the rest of our lives, ready to come out when the opportunity arises.

And geez ... X has clearly never heard of a bedtime. These girls won't go to bed before midnight, and Beloved and I are trying to get up at 8 and get to the gym in the mornings - how the hell can we have sex if we fall asleep before the kids?

Labels: kids, love, marriage, summer

posted by Zuska @ 10:27 PM 0 comments

This is my life?

How surreal.

When the girls left, I was struggling to get work done in between spending time with them. I sent them off to the town pool on their own for Open Swim many days just so I could get more study time in.

Now, they're home, and I've got nothin'. Not a thing. (Which meant today that I could swim, too!)

Last year, and the year before, and the year before, I started school on or about August 28th. They don't start until on or about September 7th or 8th. Beloved and my parents cobbled together the gap in there, because for at least 2 of the 3 years of law school, the start of my year was very intense. First year was ... well, first year. With orientation and freaking out. Second year, I taught a class, which required my participation in orientation, and about 176x the time commitment that 1st year had required. Last year was finally more mellow, and so we didn't ship the kids off to my parents' for a week, and instead Beloved stayed home with them.

This year? It's me! I get to hang out and spend copious amounts of time with them.

This week, we have very little planned. Tomorrow is a bunch of small things. Tuesday, my parents are coming up for the day, and leaving us their car as they fly to Western Canada for 10+ days. We may go to the beach on Weds (I haven't decided yet). The only other thing we've got is dinner plans with friends on Friday night, to watch High School Musical 2.

On Sunday, we are going camping in Vermont for 3 nights. This, I must admit, feels daunting right now. As I feel like I've said 10,000 times lately, we're a little low on cash, and a trip feels ... wrong. But it shouldn't be. We have all the gear we need. All we need is food, and we buy that whether we're home or camping. We don't even have to pay for a zipcar, thanks to my parents' car at our disposal. We paid for the site months ago. I need to just let go, and do this fun thing with the kids.

Last year, we went to a friend's summer home for a few days, and it was a nice way to break up the last few weeks of the summer. I think camping will be a good thing. The campground is on a river, and there is a good bit of hiking in the area. We also will be a short drive away from an alpine slide which we've been talking about for a year or so. There's a dam up the road with a beach, and generally plenty to do. Despite my financial trepidation, I will make this happen, and we will have a good time.

For the last week in August, the girls are doing yet another acting thing. It's through the same organization they participate in all year long, but it's a little different. E did it last year and loved it, and now J is old enough, too. So for the whole week (and a little bit of the next), I'll be able to drop them off at either 8:30 or 9 a.m., and not pick them up again until noon or so.

I have NOTHING TO DO while they are there! Nothing!

Unbelievable.

I will go to the gym. I will sit in a cafe, perhaps with a book. Perhaps I will bring a notebook, and write. (!!!)

Then!!

They start school!!! I have two full weeks (plus a couple other days) where they're in school from 8 a.m. until 2 (plus after-school care) and I have (again) NOTHING TO DO!!

Except stress about the New Job.

Yikes.

Labels: kids, law school, new job, summer

posted by Zuska @ 9:36 PM 0 comments

Monday, July 23, 2007

Emotions

I have no idea why, but I am so teary-eyed today. Every little thing is choking me up. I went to the gym, and read Oprah's magazine.* On the back page, she had a little ditty about her dog, Gracie, and how she died. She choked on a ball. She was two. Whatever. It's a dog. But then Oprah says that the next day, she went out to the spot where she always called the dog from, and started to call her - not that she forgot the thing was dead, but like a ritual goodbye sort of thing.

And I'm like, on the elliptical, fighting back sobs.

I don't even like dogs! I don't even particularly care for Oprah! Just the thought of the loss that was being expressed hit me in this weird out-of-the-blue non-Zuska way. I didn't consciously think, "oh, imagine if I lost E or J" but the feeling it evoked in me - that must have been how I translated it.

It wasn't the only time, either. I'm reading a stupid magazine, and I'm getting choked up at weird moments - pictures of twin girls who trust their mommy to give them medicine, letters to the editor about skin cancer - everything. Boo-hoo. Songs on my iPod on the way home - boo hoo.

I am not sure if it's the mounting pressure upon my soul that is stronger with every passing second, or if it's hormonal. Either way, it's going to be okay. If it's hormonal, then I know it's just today, and I'll be fine by Wednesday. Which is a good thing. Could you imagine? The hypothetical about some dog running out of the yard and falling into a badly-marked open hole in a street will leave me running from the room in tears.

If it's the mounting pressure that has me so precariously tearful, the adrenaline will fix it soon enough.

* Trashy magazines are my new gym entertainment. Listening to PMBR just wasn't cutting it in the motivation department. Checking out photos of drugged up, anorexic and otherwise messed up celebrities seems to keep me moving at a record pace.

Labels: bar prep, emotions, kids

posted by Zuska @ 11:13 AM 1 comments

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Unless you want to talk about divisible contracts

I am pretty boring and useless.

Beloved and I woke early-ish today and walked together to our respective gyms. I had a good work out. Then I came home. I looked through an LLBean catalog.

Then I started going through my (state) Civil Procedure outline, and putting it onto note cards. There were a few sections I had to pull out the book to puzzle through, but otherwise, it was straight forward.

Why, then, did it take 5.5 hours? Not sure.

We had dinner together (I'm so lucky that I have someone to cook for me), and then he went out. I opened up my Agency and Partnership outline, but found my stomach feeling quite sour at the thought of starting a new topic.

Now I'm looking at the movie Little Children.

I'm not really sure that I know why I got this movie from Netflix. I read the book. I was not impressed. I thought, perhaps, that Kate Winslet would be fun to watch. But her character is just as unlikeable in the movie as she was in the book - maybe less so, b/c movies can't explain the inner turmoil that causes her bitchiness with and disinterest in her daughter.

Also - why the HELL is the movie narrated by an old man? Hasn't anyone yet learned that odd narrations of books turned to movies SUCK? It really just sucks.

Fun bonus: a few scattered chances to look at Jennifer Connelly. I'm not sure I knew she was in this. I love her. If: a) I were not heterosexual; b) she were not heterosexual; c) I were not married; [is she married?] d) I hung out in Hollywood circles; and e) she were up for it - I'd hook up with her.

I came in to peer at my notecards while the movie is paused for peeing purposes, and I find myself much less than excited to get back to it. Agency and Partnership is super-short. Maybe if I went through it quick now, and THEN finished the movie, I could do even a third topic before sleeping? hmmmm.

WonL is doing a fun music post. I can't play. I can't listen to music while I study. I need my full concentration, and music with lyrics breaks that up and makes me NOT study, even while studying. What a waste that would be. It is quite unfortunate that I can't be fun. I wish I could be fun.

And a final thought --- I have never been such a NON mother. Not in 10 years. Almost 11. Maybe even more, because I did feel like a mother while I was pregnant with E. This summer, though, my brain is full. It's full of the bar exam, and it's full of Europe, and it's full of the upcoming Future Firm experience. I talk to the girls - geez, I think I've spoken with E every day, if not on the phone, then on IM - but I'm nowhere near as sidetracked by their lives in the middle of the country as I've been every single other year that they were gone. X will just have to handle things.

The worst part is, though, that E is pretty intuitive -- especially pertaining to me -- and I'm afraid she can sense my disengagement. There's really nothing I can do about it right now, though. The bar exam has to happen. I shared this hysterical post with her,* and she enjoyed that, and now is constantly saying, "I support you in law school!" Very cute.

J isn't as difficult - J is very good at being in the moment, in the situation she is in. Sometimes, that's not always so great, b/c those she is not with feel neglected (don't even get me started on her BFF and the enablement from that girl's mother - even that sentence feels like too much. Ya never know who will find the blog). I am personally happy for her that she has learned to be where she is, especially after the summer of 2 years ago, where she called me every. single. night. crying that she missed me and wanted to come home. God, that was miserable.

* Okay, it's not just a post - it's a project Quirky did when she was E's age. How cool was that? Please go look at it. I swear, some of the lines, I could 100% picture E writing herself! The bad part about sharing it with E ... she's now demanding a higher allowance. If she survives this summer knowing her Momma has Other Things To Think About, she can HAVE a higher allowance. Tons of thanks to Quirky for sharing her past with us :)

Labels: bar prep, kids, movies, stress, whining

posted by Zuska @ 8:05 PM 3 comments

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Truly, the last post

The girls called tonight. They're okay (of course). X did make some improvements to their bedroom ... or rather "X is making some improvements to their bedroom." J couldn't go to bed yet, even though her voice sounded like sandpaper, b/c he was still trying to put some furniture together in their room at 10:15 this evening. But he's making an effort, and I know that they notice. This is good for them.

It's good to hear their voices. I avoided telling them that I was sweeping and vacuuming their room in order to get remnants of them OUT and the trappings of BarBri and PMBR in.

They miss us a lot, and it results in them wanting to just park their butts on the phone. I hate cutting them off, but at the same time, they need to live their lives there. They need to be with their father. They need to not hold on so tight to this part of their lives, to the exclusion of the other.

I hate knowing that E has 1,000,000 things going on in her head that she doesn't share, and I feel like I'm being over-scrutinized when I tell her that it's time to say goodnight. That perhaps she's thinking, "oh, mom is glad we're gone, she can't wait to spend her time doing other things." When really, that's not true. I mean, yeah, I have to study, but I'd always rather have them here than not. She asked, though, if she can chat with me on google talk tomorrow, and I told her we'd be out for most the day (Shoes! Movies!) and she was a little disappointed.

I know ... she'll survive. She knows how much we love her, and she knows how much of our lives we dedicate to her and her sister's happiness and well being.

I know.

Labels: divorce, kids, parenting, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 1:24 AM 0 comments

Thursday, July 05, 2007

With baited breath, they waited

The girls have been anxious to receive the news as to what class they'd be in next year, and who would be in their classes. J has been in a class with her BFF since the year we arrived (1st grade for her), and it's a little uncanny that they've stayed together this whole time. But!! Success again! They are on their way into their 4th year running in class together.

This time, they have the *favorite* teacher in 4th grade. Mr. Wonderful. I sort of didn't want J to have Mr. Wonderful, b/c I fear that if a teacher is oh-so-wonderful, in the way that this Mr. Wonderful is rumored to be, J will be L.A.Z.Y. Mr. Wonderful will love her, and will enhance her self-esteem, and make her think school is fun ... but she doesn't need to think school is fun in this Mr. Wonderful kind of way. She thinks Math is fun. She thinks writing stories is fun.

Yesterday, or the day before - not sure which - we were on the T. She had a funky look on her face, with her brow furrowed and such. "What are you thinking about?" I asked her. She spent about 2 minutes complaining about how I had interrupted her train of thought, and how she was not longer thinking about ANYTHING, but before I so rudely interrupted her, she was doing a math problem.

A math problem.

On the train.

She's 9.

(freak).

I hope she has a good year.

E I worry for as well. Reason being she has all three points of the world's nastiest triangle in her class - well, since she's one of those points, it would be hard for her not to have at least some of the triangle. Hopefully the fact that she has a few other friends in the class who are not associated with those triangle peoples will mean that she will not become distracted with the nastiness, and will focus on school and positive friendships, and not get caught up in the drama of the negative friendships.

Unfortunately, I don't have much evidence that E's personality works that way. She loves Drama. It draws her in. She likes to argue.

(like her mother.)

It's just a big year for her, and she can't afford to spend 6th grade focusing on catfights instead of school work and building positive relationships with the people in her class.

And she's 11, and anything I say to her is met with, "you just don't understand," and when I say, "explain it to me" she comes out with something about privacy, and it being HER friendships, not MY friendships, and yadda yadda yadda.

Did I mention they leave tomorrow? We're getting up at 4 a.m. This makes me sad. I'd rather get yelled at.

Labels: kids, school

posted by Zuska @ 2:52 PM 0 comments

Dirty Rotten Liar

Once again, my weather-boyfriend has done me wrong. I wish that I could break it off, but I just can't. Despite the abuse he doles out semi-regularly, he's there for me every single morning. Sometimes he may screw up, and the results are disastrous, but often, much more often than not, I am wearing appropriate clothing.

We got wet.

On the 4th, by the river, before the fireworks. Wetness came out of the sky, and it landed on us, and into our "shelter" (i.e., not quite a tent, full of much screened area so as to "let in the cool breeze" which just so happened to be accompanied by wet chilly rain yesterday).

I had on shorts and a t-shirt. I brought a sweatshirt, but couldn't work out how to get it to cover my arms, my legs and J's freezing cold short-shorts-clad legs all at once. She brought a jacket, but it was a thin one, b/c her mother ( who was relying on her weather-boyfriend) told her to put away her thick oversized hoodie, b/c "it's going to be 84." The same mother who held her tongue when she wanted to call E crazy for wearing denim capris, b/c she knew that E's 11 year old "I am smarter than anyone" mentality would come out, and she would go put on a SECOND pair of capris on top of the first pair just to spite me.

But the fireworks were gorgeous, and considering everything, it was worth it to go, and it was worth it to be a wee damp and a lot chilly for a couple of hours.

Labels: holidays, kids, weather

posted by Zuska @ 2:47 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy 4th!

Beloved is down on Boston's Esplanade saving us our spot. He has a sun-shade tent, books and snacks. We're home, in our jammies, in the air conditioning. E is re-reading Harry Potter 6 (just as ravenously as I did on Sunday), I am blogging and looking around at clothing and shoe options for Europe, and J is sketching at the table. We will leave around 2 or so.

We're looking forward to picnic food, the Boston Pops concert piped through the speakers, and fireworks later on. My weather-boyfriend said it's going to rain just as it's time for the fireworks to shoot off, but Beloved heard they won't cancel fireworks unless it's thundering and lightning. So we'll bring umbrellas and raincoats, and get a little wet. It's worth it.

I'm bringing note cards and outlines. I never did put Evidence on notecards. I need to focus more on Property, but I haven't printed that outline yet, and so, it will have to wait for another day (i.e., Friday - when the bar studying goes insane, and Europe and Harry Potter will just have to wait).

So far, today is not a bad one, considering that it's the girls 2nd to last day home. Such days are always wretched. A holiday is a nice distraction. Tomorrow will likely be the hard day. Woe is all of us.

Labels: holidays, kids

posted by Zuska @ 12:33 PM 0 comments

Friday, June 29, 2007

Attempts at Being a Normal Person

My family had to endure the story of the weird legal description question on today's MBE, and how my attempts at drawing the described piece of land resulted in a star-like pattern, and how my friend and I started laughing about it (I think we kept it silent, but due to my ear plugs' messing with my perception of sound, I'm not 100% sure ... I may have snorted) during the test.

It's all I have to talk about: The bar exam.

This week, that's going to change.

Wanna know why?

Because I'm not gonna study. Nope. I'm not. This is my plan:

Saturday
7 or 8 a.m.: Get up and go to the gym
10 a.m.: Come home and shower, say bye to Beloved as he goes to the gym.
11:30: Go with girls to "town" to get J's hair cut (E's not allowed to get her hair cut, no matter how much she begs) at noon. Probably get coffee and frappucinos. Maybe not.
2 p.m. Pick up zipcar, drive to mall.
2:30 p.m. Probably browse around some stores while waiting for my appt. at --
3 p.m.: Take stupid demented lousy crappy fucked up laptop to the Apple store to get the plastic casing replaced (b/c they used shitty plastic on the early MacBooks which tend to get discolored and crack) and to complain about the fact that my fucking computer, which is less than one year old, won't stay asleep, and keeps cycling awake every 30 seconds, even when closed, and therefore running the battery down, and overheating, and pissing me off.
4 p.m. (b/c I'm dreaming that the computer won't take longer than that, since I'm going to be in an Apple store on the weekend that the iPhone is released): come home and get Beloved and go to Target for toilet paper (which us girls go through at a rate of 8x faster than Beloved - at least. Girls.), and to Home Depot, b/c our couch is broked.

uhhh, I don't know what else. But it doesn't include studying.

Sunday:
Gym.
Swimming.
Getting kids together with friends.
Harry Potter 6.

Monday:
BarBri from 9:30 - 12:30 (why oh why do we have to do Professional Responsibility again? It just isn't fair, I mean, seriously. We took that test. We passed it. If we didn't pass it, in MA, we wouldn't be allowed to take this bigger, better, brighter, faster, harder, meaner test. So why the duplicity?).
12:30 - head to the bowling alley.
No, not to study.
Beloved and I are going bowling with our girls.

Tuesday:
I have the day off. I'm spending it with my daughters. I think we're going to swim. And perhaps hang out in a cafe for a while. Maybe we'll watch the Price is Right. Maybe we'll sleep until noon. I'm really not sure yet.
But I doubt I'll study.

Wednesday:
It's the 4th of July. Beloved volunteered to wake and leave early to go stake out a spot on the bank of the Charles River. The girls and I will ... I don't know. Maybe we'll pack up stuff. Maybe he will have already done it. I'm really not sure. But we'll meet him there in the early afternoon, and we'll hang out with the rest of Boston, and we'll go for walks up and down Newbury Street. Then we'll watch pretty explosions in the sky. Then we'll go home.

Thursday:
I have class.
Life sucks.
Then I go home, and I help the girls pack for their father's house.
life sucks.

Friday:
wake at 4 a.m.
get picked up by taxi at 4:30 a.m.
Arrive at airport at 5 a.m.
Put girls on plane at 5:30 a.m.*
Wait in airport until 6 a.m. for plane to take off.
Go home.
Pout.
Go to BarBri for Corporations II with my 2nd least favorite lecturer (the Car Salesman).
Go home.
Start Studying.

Don't stop Studying until July 24th. Or perhaps 25th.

*I'm a little worried about this. They don't want to go. They have both told me on separate occasions that they've decided they're actually not going. J said she was going to break her leg, or somehow become hospitalized (!!!). E said she's just not. getting. on. the. plane. They've never outright rebelled against me on anything, other than a couple of weird fits that they've had, and I came down pretty hard with. But I really fear a scene in the airport. I don't like saying bye to my kids. And if it's going to be dramatic, and difficult, it's going to suck. (duh)

Labels: bar prep, family, kids

posted by Zuska @ 8:24 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Proof that the bar exam is taking over my life:

Me: I am uploading every subject in the world into my iPod.
J: Every subject? Do you mean like, bar review subjects?
Me: Yes.
J: That's horrible.
Me: Why?
J: What if someone wants to listen to your iPod, and all these great songs come on, and then all of a sudden, here comes this boring man saying, "a tort is a tort because it is not a contract." [in a stuffy voice].

Now they're re-writing the joke, "Pete and repeat were walking across the bridge," into "tort and retort were walking across the bridge."

I've ruined them all.

Labels: bar prep, kids

posted by Zuska @ 7:42 PM 1 comments

Monday, June 25, 2007

Precariously Balanced ... or not.

Law school and motherhood didn't clash very often for me. My kids were cared for full time, and I had relative flexibility in case I needed to be with them extra, or something came up. In the summers, they've gone to X's, but the schedules have varied. Last year, I had them leave pretty early, b/c I thought summer firm would be all-consuming (ha!). The year before, I was working for a judge, for no pay, and no likelihood of permanent employment, and I took some time off around the 4th to hang out with them before they left.

This year, I've pretty much been hit upside the head with a brick. A huge brick. A cinder block. Perhaps an entire cathedral. Maybe even the moon. The Bar Exam Moon.

I didn't expect this stress so early on (it's not early on anymore, really, but it was 4 weeks ago, and I was already feeling it). I thought that I'd have less to do in the first month of bar review classes. I thought that I would go to class, and maybe or maybe not study in the afternoons, and it would be FINE. I had people tell me, "oh, it's less than a full time job during BarBri classes."

Well, it was all bullshit.

In the first week, I was feeling like I had a lot to do, and soon after that, with the girls' end-of-school-year activities, I was feeling like I was behind. For a good reason: I was behind.

Things come up when you have kids. Things like, "can I have a friend over," "can my friend and I go to the library?" "hi, mom, sorry for calling, but can I go to the park?" "Mom, did you forget about soccer practice?" "Zuska, it's me, ____'s mom, can ____ hang out at your house for a couple hours because [insert dire emergency]."

I think that I know [no, I don't just know] that I'm going to pass the exam. I have never failed anything without trying to fail. I am very engaged in class, and very engaged when doing the work assigned to me. I'm not blowing things off. Yet, I worry.

The people I have surrounded myself with in class are all overachievers. They're all studying 6-7 hours an evening, and one person is studying about 18 hours per weekend.

So I feel more behind than I am. I'm not doing PMBR questions. Until this past weekend, I was a week behind in typing up my notes. I was behind on essays and on multiple choice questions.

This past weekend, I worked hard to catch up. I woke up at 6 a.m., and I was working 2 or 3 hours before the girls woke up. On Saturday, I continued to work while they read and farted around the house until around 1 p.m., and then we all went out and had the rest of the day together. Sunday - up early again, and worked at home until Beloved returned home from the gym at 11. Then I went to a cafe until 3:30. The girls went to the pool from 1:30 to 3:30, and I was home before them - again, we had the rest of the afternoon/evening together.

Yet, while E and I were going for a walk, she said that she's felt slighted. That we only have 2 weeks together, and why do I have to study all the time? That she thought they were home until July because we were going to spend time together, and instead, I'm working all the time.

So I think, "wow, I need to have some perspective, I need to realize that 2 weeks of less studying isn't going to be a question of pass or fail, and I need to just be with the kids."

Then I go to class today, realize how much I need to learn, and I think, "wow. I need to have some perspective. I can explain to the girls that this is a) very temporary, and b) very important, and they need to understand that I can't blow it off."

I think (duh) the answer is somewhere in the middle ... although I am not an over worker. This weekend was the most intense I've ever worked, and it really took very little from them. 2 or 2.5 hours per day.

I'm finding it hard. The stress of the bar exam and the emotion of the kids - especially with them on their way out the door to X's house - I just can't do the dance like I could in law school. Law school was within my abilities, and I'm not sure this stupid test is. It's just so different.

Classes I got an equivalent of an A+ in during law school are KILLING me on the multiple choice (I'm talking less than 50%). I don't know how to memorize every element of every issue in every subject. I just don't know how.

So, I'm struggling.

Labels: bar prep, kids

posted by Zuska @ 8:13 PM 2 comments

Saturday, June 23, 2007

This is a Saturday?

In order to squeeze in sufficient working time this weekend, I resolved last night to start working by 8 a.m. Since my daughters are slugs, I knew they'd be in bed or at least close to it until 10, and that I'd get in at least 2 hours of real work time before I was juggling work with caring for/being with the girls. We then plan to go to a Climate Action festival that my town is having, and then to the pool to swim and dive and laugh.

Then I got super-ambitious, and said, "I think I'll get up at 6, instead, just like during the week, and go running."

On a Saturday?

It's really surprising that I would say that.

What's even more surprising? That I did it.

I actually got up at 7, and did a truncated run, compared to the weekdays, but I was okay with that, because I plan on swimming laps later this afternoon.

So now, the bar exam has stolen at least 3 things from me:
1) Sex
2) Sleeping in on weekends
3) Reading for pleasure

After Beloved and I return from Europe, I am going to join my daughters in slug-ville.

These girls belong to me. This fact is evidenced by the fact that as soon as the alarm stops being set, they stay up late, and sleep late. When left to their own devices (i.e., in X's care) this gets so out of hand that they're up until 2 a.m. and sleep until noon. I believe that's insane. So at MY house, the worst is gets is up until midnight, sleep until 10. Oh yes, I am so much more civilized than my ex husband.

So far, we're doing okay. I send them toward bed at approx 10 or 10:30, and they read until they turn off their lights, which is around 11. And they are then crashing. And so far, at 9:08 a.m., they're still sleeping. So they are catching their Z's.

When they come home, 2 days after we come home, I want to join them in the experience of sleeping in. I want to read until I have no choice but to turn off my light. And I don't mean, "I want to read notecards with legal rules about torts, con law, and criminal procedure." I mean, I want to read a NOVEL. I want to read a magazine! Right now, my reading for pleasure consists of leafing through catalogs every time I get an extra 3.2 minutes, b/c I know it's only going to be 3.2 minutes, and I don't want to get invested in something I can't follow through with.

My day will come. It's on August 12th. The first day that the girls wake up here, at around noon. Since they'll be coming from X's house.

Labels: bar prep, exercise, kids, sleep, summer

posted by Zuska @ 9:02 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

20 months apart

X is 6'3" tall. I am 5'7" tall. E is 20 months older than her younger sister, J.

When J was born, she was 9 lbs, 12 oz (E: 7 lbs, 6 oz). The doctor told me that when he saw her crowning, he was scared to death that she had hydrocephalus, b/c her head was so damned big. Turned out, the rest of her followed suit, and other than some minor, temporary blood sugar problems, she was very healthy, and quite robust.

She has always, since that day (birth!) been big for her age. She has been off the chart for height (although not for weight, despite the rolls she was born with, she's never run on the chubby side). My parents, my Beloved, myself --- we've always said, "she's gonna pass E by one of these days!"

Yet, they've remained an inch apart in height (and 2 pounds in weight) since ... 2003? A steady inch. There's something about J that always makes her LOOK taller, or closer in height. I think it's the muscle. She's got a real athletic build, while E is more lanky. J also has her father's VERY long legs (looks much better on a girl, I must say), and that adds to her tall appearance.

Beloved did his regular measuring last night. He's on a 6 month schedule it seems.

J is catching up. They're now 1/4 inch apart.

Poor E. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the summer, she'll be shorter than her younger sister.

Their school isn't big enough for this to go unnoticed.

Labels: kids

posted by Zuska @ 8:13 PM 0 comments

Contracts All Done

3 days of contracts came to a close today. I liked our professor. I saw others complaining about the contract lecturer - but I'm not sure I had the same dude. My dude was relatively funny, and made the 10 hours approachable and sensible. And I liked his Texas accent.

I'm not looking forward to 2 days of 4+ hours of torts ... especially now that the kidlets are out of school (and therefore after-school care) and I have to worry if they're doing alright.

After class today, I wrote checks for over $900 so that next year, the kids again have after-school care. Even though E's one of the few entering 6th grade who will continue after-school care. Others are starting to just head home on their own. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. She probably is (or thinks she is). I'm just not. I need to see how she does once she's a 6th grader. It helps that 1) Beloved is home 2 out of 5 afternoons per week because it allows for a supervised transition; and 2) Beloved works right down the street in a (relatively) relaxed establishment ... so if problems arise, we aren't hoping I can run the 13 blocks to the T station and catch a train ASAP to handle it. He can be the first # on speed dial (yeah, she'll likely have a phone).

Then I went to the school to pick up J and a friend, and we went for ice cream and a movie.
there wasn't much about contracts in the movie.

So yeah, now I'm even further behind.

Oh well. I'll condense my notes after dinner. All 3 days' worth.

Labels: bar prep, kids, movies, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 6:51 PM 5 comments

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

fires and wires.

Our fire alarm went off tonight - the building-wide one. We have little smoke alarms in our apartment, but then there's a building wide one that is triggered for more serious smoke. It has been set off in the past by burned foods on stove tops down the hall, but never by us.

We all left our building, and the firemen came and turned it off. It was nothing. No surprise there.

When I was going down to do the laundry, though, I did smell something slightly burny in the hallways. It smelled kind of plasticky.

I told Beloved about the smell when I got back to our apartment, and he said, "you know, while you were down in the laundry room, our door buzzer buzzed, and I went to see who it was, and there was no one there. Then I went to the back door, and there was no one there." I said, "eh, someone probably pushed the wrong button." he said, "No, we can always hear the buzz of the door being opened." True. "Probably just kids I said."

Then it happened again. No one in either lobby waiting to be let in.

He says he's a little worried that it's a short, and that there's something going on with the wiring in the walls, and that's what triggered the alarm, and that the fire department missed something. I said, "oh no! then we'll have a fire in our walls!" Then I said, "I think it's kids. I'm going in the hallway to watch."

I went into the hallway, and kept my eyes peeled.

I thought it was the kids downstairs. There are 2 apartments in the basement (it's only 1/2 underground), and they both have kids around E and J's ages in them. They tend to both leave their apartment doors open, and the parents let the kids just go wild in the basement hallway. I personally find it completely inappropriate and obnoxious. I don't see them as paying rent for the hallways. Not more than I do ... and you don't see me setting up a folding table and having a party down there. I mean, seriously. Close your damned door.

So I figured it was those kids, horsing around downstairs, and getting clever with the door buzzers.

Even though I'd just been in the laundry room, and both doors were closed.

But, whatever.

I stood in the hallway. No kids. No noises. But a woman and her baby were coming through the back lot, so I knew if there WERE kids, they'd be waiting until it was "all clear."

I felt like a bit of a stalker or something, lurking in the hallway (not to mention the fact that I could hear every word of the conversation between a husband and wife in an apartment back there as they cooked dinner), so I went back to my house while I waited for the mom and baby to get in and up the stairs.

I went back out, just to watch. Beloved said if it happened again, he thought we should call the building manager, and I just wanted to be sure before we bothered him at home that it wasn't horseplay.

Sure enough, after about 30 seconds, from between 2 cars in the parking lot comes a boy. Not a downstairs boy. Not an "I live here, too" boy, but rather, a boy from E's grade. He runs up the steps, oh-so-stealthily, sees me through window, and turns and runs away. Following after him? 2 more boys from E's grade.

I ran down the stairs, opened the door and yelled, [Boy One's name], [Boy Two's Name] and [Boy Three's Name]! I almost called the fire department! Stop ringing our buzzer!!!"

I came inside laughing. Beloved said, "E mail their moms!" I said, nah. I'd rather them be on pins and needles wondering if I would e-mail their moms. This is the most innocent of childhood pranks. If they keep it up after being caught, okay - I'll consider contacting moms. But not for this.

E, though, was indignant, and she and J went to the park where the boys were congregating. This is a very .... lush park. It's not that big, but it's pretty big and tree-filled for a city park. The neighborhood surrounding it is mostly $1 million (and higher) homes. Even the ones that are actually condos, but look like a castle. I would say that in the horseshoe that surrounds the park, there are likely 30 households, including my building, which has 14 of those. The park is mostly used as a toddler park and a dog park.

One of the 3 boys just moved to this neighborhood. He's been in our school district forever, and is friends with the other two, and now they're all in the same neighborhood. Not necessarily the best combo, in my opinion. It's a combination of boys that E has struggled with in the past at recess, and now ... they're in our backyard.

One of them had a Nerf Gun. (They had it when I saw them in the parking lot), and when E went out there, and "chased them" - they chased her back, while aiming the "nerf gun." I thought she meant a water gun, so I laughed and said, "did you get wet?" She said, "No, Mom, it wasn't a water gun, it was a nerf gun. It shot arrows, and I didn't appreciate getting shot, and you need to e-mail their moms." I still said no, b/c she went out there to confront them. She chased them first (even though she later tried to say no she didn't, but J verified that the first version was correct). I thought she'd go out there and they'd all laugh. I wish I didn't let her go out.

While folding laundry I thought it over a bit more. I'm really not that happy to think that we're going to have park issues this summer. I've been looking forward to the girls having free play time there, and if the boys act like a little harassing posse (as they've done in the past, and it was stopped only by E's getting adult interference and the boys being spoken to by the principal), the girls aren't going to want to go.

Also, I don't want boys shooting a gun (nerf or not) at my daughters. I don't think it's an appropriate way to behave toward others in a public place and with people who didn't consent to, and don't enjoy, that type of play.

I am not contacting mothers today, and I told E as much. However, if they continue to shoot a gun at her (I think I'm going to except water guns, but we'll see), and if they continue to harass the girls when they go to the park, I will intervene.

And then out comes my insecurity "oh, but they're home owners, and we're renters, and what if there's just nothing we can do about it b/c they actually have more of a right to be there?"

Where the hell does that come from?

Labels: *E*, *J*, apartment, kids, park

posted by Zuska @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

Saturday, June 16, 2007

I love this little girl!

I read this story on CNN this a.m., about a little girl who was presumed to have drowned, but while the rescue teams were searching the river for her body, she stumbled out of the woods, naked and carrying raspberries.

How cool is that? How cool is this kid? She took off her bathing suit, because it was muddy and itchy. How 5! Yet, she found herself some raspberries, and kept herself in good spirits, and she survived, and is just the coolest.

I showed the story to E, and her response was, "wow! what a smart girl she must be."

As much as I just wanted to post about this cool story, and the kid who deserves the world's biggest High-5, I can't resist:

What is up with this friend of the family (end of the article) saying, "obviously, we're giving all the glory to God on this one." God didn't have poison ivy all over his legs, and God didn't have thorns and prickers in his feet. This little girl ROCKS. Why does God get all the glory? She deserves glory!!

frizzum frazzum.

Labels: current events, kids, religion

posted by Zuska @ 10:48 AM 0 comments

Friday, June 15, 2007

I'm a Field Trippin' Mama!

I went on a field trip today. We took a ferry to an island in the Boston Harbor. We had a very very very fun time. I love my daughter, and I love these kids.

I'm also very very very red. It's my own fault. I put sunscreen on J, and thought, "oh, I'll put some on later, I need a litle sun first" and then (of course) forgot about it "later." J and I stopped in to say hi to Beloved on our way home from the outing, and he took one look at me and shook his head. "Zuska! You are BURNED!" We are both of the very chalky freckly persuasion, and he feels my pain acutely. (He actually gets it 100x worse than me - his dad is a pure redhead, and while Beloved's a blondy, he has his dad's redhead tendency to burn.)

Those fellow bar-reviewin' folks who read this may be sort of confused. "Zuska? What do you mean? Why are you posting at 3:22 p.m. saying you were on a FIELD TRIP? How can you do this? We have the BAR EXAM in 6 weeks! You can't go on FIELD TRIPS!" To that, I say:
Feh.

I did a double class last Friday to make this work, and I've assigned all kid-carting to Beloved for tomorrow. I can so go on field trips AND pass the bar exam.

Oh yeah, and I'm sort of behind. But not by much!

And you should have seen those kids! So happy and sun-kissed and frolicking. It was a 100% FUN trip - no education whatsoever. Just fun. And I'm glad to have been a part of it. I'm thinking that I will commit to one field trip per year per kid. It will stay inside my own head, this commitment, just in case E's 6th grade class goes on only one field trip next year that just so happens to fall in the middle of a trial or something. I guess it's best described as a goal, rather than as a commitment. So yeah, this is my goal. As of today.

Now I'll go condense my stupid notes for stupid 3 days of class --- for about an hour, because then I have to go bring J to soccer practice, and head to the liquor store for wine and to Trader Joe's for some "I'm a pathetic person who doesn't cook" appetizer components, because tonight, some friends and I are having dinner and wine on a deck.

Labels: bar prep, field trips, kids, studying, sunburn

posted by Zuska @ 3:19 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Things Adults Are Made Of: Alarm Clocks

My desire to be fit and to keep up with my exercise routines posed a bit of a conundrum for the mornings: I had been waking E at 6:30, and Beloved had been getting up at 7 and waking up J (I usually hopped back into bed once I got E into the shower, and dozed until Beloved's alarm went off). The bar class and the end of the law-school routine meant that if I wanted to go running in the a.m., I'd have to be back to wake E up at 6:30. Beloved and I talked about getting her an alarm clock, but it seemed so ... unreliable. She's just a kid. It would be so easy for her to just turn it off and go back to sleep, and it just didn't seem like something we could trust. We did decide, though, that it wouldn't hurt to try.

But I kept forgetting to buy one for her. So Beloved (the King that he is) started setting HIS alarm for 6:30 so that he could wake her, and I could leave at 5:45 for my run.

Finally, last week, I got her an alarm clock. I sent her off with the instructions to read and to set it up. She did a pretty good job - except didn't have the a.m./p.m. right, so the alarm would have gone off the next evening at 6:30 p.m. But that's exactly why I checked it.

Another funny: She came out saying, "Hey mom, what's a "tuner"? It's one of the choices for the alarm, but I don't understand." The child has an amazing vocabulary - this wasn't a vocab issue. The issue is that she has never really listened to the radio. We don't really listen to the radio. How strange. I grew up with the radio (KC101 out of Hartford/New Haven, to be precise), and so did Beloved. But now --- we listen to XM in the Zipcars and to iPods (and before that, CDs) at home. When we were in Berkeley I listened to the radio some, but only in the car, and she was always in the back seat strapped into her carseat.

It struck me as funny that at almost 11 years of age, she didn't know what a "tuner" is.

Anyway - guess what? The alarm has worked great! The first day, she had it set way too loud, and wasn't sure how to turn it off. To be yanked out of sleep with the thing blaring like that was difficult, and it made J start to cry, and then E went running to sleeping Beloved a little frantic "I can't turn it off! I can't turn it off!" But we adjusted the volume, and now it's going really well.

This morning I asked her why she was running behind, and she said, "well, I don't know. When I left my room, it was 6:31, and I set the timer for my shower for 15 minutes, but when I got back to my room, it was 6:51. So I'm running behind." Her talking about time with such precision made me giggle.

To me, it's another step of independence for her. Honestly, I love this. I am just not one of those moms who sobs as my kids grow up and develop new skills. I'm excited for them. I'm excited to see who they're turning into ... especially since so far, so good :)

Labels: *E*, kids, morning routines, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 3:28 PM 1 comments

Thursday, June 07, 2007

no organization, here

Today, I am tired. Very tired.

J had a concert last night, and we got home after 8 p.m. I had stayed at the library working on Bar tasks until 6:40, when I took the 30 foot walk from the library to the kids' school where Beloved was saving me a seat. When we got home, he made me a delicious dinner, which we ate at 9 p.m., which is very late for us. We don't usually eat that late. The girls had eaten before, though. J before her concert, and E before softball. Beloved actually went and bought her a burrito and dropped it off at the school for her - she had gone on a trip with her after school group - but then she ended up eating with the family that was shuttling her to softball (b/c we had J's concert).

Bar Prep went well enough. I got over my crises of Monday eve/Tuesday a.m., and I'm just plodding along.

The girls have an audition today for a performance, and so they're coming home early, and I'm going to work at home, and then I have to take them to their audition. So I don't think that I'm going to be as productive as I was yesterday and the day before.

I told the girls that tonight, they're going to bed early tonight. They're tired. Then I told Beloved that our bed time for today is 10 p.m. No questions asked.

My mom is coming this weekend, because J is in a play, and she's gonna help me out with the house some.

Tomorrow I'm doing double-duty lectures for the bar. I have my regularly scheduled Con Law II, and then I'm running around the corner to another law school to sit in on the live class for Trusts. My video location gets Trusts next Friday, but I am going to be on a boat. In the Bay. With my daughter and her class.

I anticipate a 9 p.m. bedtime tomorrow night. Oh, the wild Friday nights of Zuska.

Labels: bar prep, kids, parenting, studying

posted by Zuska @ 7:56 AM 1 comments

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Yesterday the Blur

BarBri started yesterday. I didn't find it to be so bad. We started off with Crim Law, though, which had a certain comfortable familiarity. Something I enjoyed, and therefore paid attention to as a 1L. Today is Crim Procedure, which is also within my comfort zone. I do worry about commercial paper. Something tells me it's not silly of me.

After the class, I came home and looked through my stuff, the homework schedule, etc., and tried to decide what I should bring with me for an afternoon of chaperoning many children from activity to activity. I was putting my hand on a novel when Beloved said, "no! you need to read for bar class tomorrow!" So I brought the stupid Conviser Mini Review. What the hell kind of word is that, anyway? "Conviser." It's not in the dictionary. Stupid-ass "mini" book which weighs 100 pounds.

I did review Crim Pro, though, while sitting on the stoop of a Temple in which kids were recording songs from their past performances onto a CD. I then rounded up 8 of those kids and paraded to a Taqueria, where we all indulged in burritos, quesadillas and tacos. I then escorted all 8 of them to the softball field, where I again opened the Conviser book, and talked to friends while charts stared up at me.

It seemed like I was having a crappy start to this bar prep nonsense. A friend called me twice while I was at the softball field, sitting on soft grass, enjoying the weather, and talking to a law-person who's a fellow mom. The friend was freaking out, "Zuska! Have you condensed your notes yet? how long are they??" then the second call, "Zuska! Are you doing practice questions tonight? None are assigned, but people say I should do them every night!"

I did go home, and despite exhaustion resulting from a 5;45 wake up to go for a run (which sucked. I was glad I got up, but I ran like shit) and then class and then responsibility over a total of 12 kids (at different points of the day - from school to activity 1; during breaks at activity 1; from activity 1 to activity 2; during activity 2), I consolidated my notes.

I was proud of myself for that.

Then I passed out. At 10:45 p.m. Which is unheard of for Zuska. It did allow me, however, to get up at 5:45 again, and this time - my run was not shitty, it was great, and now I'm in a great mood and ready to go learn about Criminal Procedure from Dear, Funny Professor Whitebread.

I would also like to say I just loved those kids. I love their ages, and their personalities. I love every single one of them. E's friends, J's friends - they're all such great kids. The conversations they have (other than the wee bit of gossip the older girls engaged in until I glared at them sufficiently to make them stop), the way they interact, the way the older girls hung out with the younger girls, their responsiveness to each other and to me .... they are just great people, and I'm glad to know all of them.

Labels: bar prep, kids, softball

posted by Zuska @ 7:49 AM 1 comments

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