Approximately 6 weeks ago, our insurance company denied J's orthodontic work. She needs braces to move a tooth out of the way, because it blocking another tooth, which is, apparently, rotting in her gums right this very minute. Because it should have come down EIGHTEEN MONTHS ago, but did not, due to the other, blocking tooth. Because the braces are medically necessary, the orthodontist felt that insurance would cover it as a medical treatment, rather than an (uncovered) orthodontic one.

As I complained about 6 weeks ago, the claim was denied. The reason being that the administrator at the dentist's office somehow submitted the claim under E's name. Which was dumb. Because E's never been there.

I left angry voice mail messages, and after the weekend received a call saying that they'd resubmitted the paperwork under the proper child's name. There was little else to be done at that point, b/c J was 1/2 out the door to X's house in the Middle of the Country. I assumed this meant that things would get approved (or not, but at least on the substance of the claim, and not because of administrative ineptitude) while she was gone, and we could get it taken care of upon her arrival back home.

Today, I went and picked up our mail from the post office that had been held during our trip to Europe.

Guess what was in it?

A denial. From the insurance company.

Guess why?

Administrative ineptitude. Not under E's name this time - just some other fuck up with the paperwork.

I didn't get as angry as last time.

I also just don't know what to do. This cannot be something that I have to just accept. We first went to the dentist in February to get this issue taken care of. The x-rays showed a clear problem. This is not a cosmetic issue. This is a question of her tooth being trapped in the gum, and potentially breaking down. An adult tooth. Her fucking FRONT tooth. The orthodontist and the dentist both were struck by the unusual nature of the problem, and both talked about how we would take care of it "right away" - but b/c of administrative and insurance screw ups, it's 6 months later, and we don't even have an appointment set up.

I have made phone calls attempting to go up the chain both with the administrative department, and with the orthodontist himself. I am going to see if contacting the orthodontist directly (which I would have done in June, if J wasn't on her way out of town for 5 weeks) will work get a fire lit under the admin people faster. OR - if I can work out an alternative payment plan.

I'll pay for the braces myself. I don't care. I need it taken care of. But without talking directly to the orthodontist, the office won't let me do that. They say it needs to run its course. The course they keep fucking with.

My other option is to just go to another dentist, and that's very appealing. Since this one has so royally screwed up twice.

But there are insurance issues. I have new insurance as of 9/24, and I'm afraid to switch this close to the insurance change over. If I go to another dentist, planning to just pay out of pocket, will my new insurance cover it once the change over happens? Or will it be a 'pre-existing condition' that won't be grandfathered in?

I also am worried, b/c it's likely that she'll need surgery. I can't pay for surgery out of pocket. Braces I can, and most people do. But not surgery. If I go to a new dentist, and it turns out that surgery is now immediately necessary, I can't do it - and if it's seen as a pre-existing condition once new insurance starts up - then maybe it won't ever be covered?

This is why, despite my anger and their ineptitude, I am trying to force the issue with the current dentist, where the x-rays and the chart and the file and the info already exists. I want to make this happen sooner, rather than later. If she needs braces, and possibly surgery, I'd rather it happen before I start work in 6 weeks. If I have to start anew with a new provider, then it won't happen.

Woe is me. Woe is J. Woe is us.

Labels: *J*, anger, dentists

posted by Zuska @ 4:57 PM 2 comments

I have 4 daughters

I do not understand it. When the girls were at X's house, he and I talked a total of one time about how the girls were doing. During that conversation, he made the comment, "They don't read very much ..." to which I balked.

In this house, they are reading fiends. Sometimes, a book a day. They are both well above their reading level, and are constantly asking for new books. It really helps that Beloved is in the children's literature field, b/c he is able to constantly provide them with new and appropriate reading material.

I don't know why they didn't read there.

Today, J read an entire book (Tiger Rising, by Kate Dicamillo), and is now reading a second. E has been reading constantly, and was very upset on several occasions today when I made her put her book down to do chores or math homework. We spent TWO HOURS in a cafe today, and I got antsy and was done reading before them. I said, "you guys ready to go?" They both said no - once they shook their heads to clear them from the books they were immersed in. We then spent another TWO HOURS at the library.

They have never been to the library in the Middle of the Country. I kid you not.

When they're here, they watch no t.v., and don't ask to. We all enjoy family movie nights (Fridays), and sometimes we check out DVDs of different series (Star Trek (the original), Brady Bunch and Gilligan, to name a few - uh, maybe all). But we don't "watch t.v." They don't complain. When they have the freedom to, they flip once through the channels, and turn it off.

When they're there, they know every Disney, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network show, what time it's on, and have favorites and daily shows. Then they come home, and they just don't care.

It also appears that when they're there, they don't fight or bicker.

But when they're here ....

Labels: *E*, *J*, summer

posted by Zuska @ 4:45 PM 0 comments

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The girls are home!

We picked the girls up yesterday at around 5 p.m. It is great to see them - they look healthy and beautiful.

They had a good summer, and so were a little sad to be away from X, but also ready to be home. Makes for a tough transition day. More of a tough transition night. It's when bedtime rolls around that their unsettledness comes out. J ends up afraid that the world is going to get struck by a meteor or something while she sleeps, and E just says, "I miss daddy, and I'm also afraid that we'll never have such a good summer again." We did our best to calm them both down - I tried to convince E that it's okay to be sad when you miss someone, and not to expect it to go away instantly. And maybe that it's good to feel sad, sometimes. Beloved helped J to think about positive possibilities, and to try to train her mind to go in that direction, instead of the calamitous.

Today, we've had a relatively smooth day. I felt like since school let out in June, the girls had been getting along with one another pretty well - especially in the Middle of the Country. Not today. Bickering started pretty early. They also weren't happy with me for enforcing my declaration that we would not stay in transition for a week, i.e., they had to unpack, and straighten their room. I didn't even push it too hard (their room is far from perfect), but they reacted strongly to the bit I did require.

Eventually, we got out the door to the pool. We had a nice time there. E is really quick to be upset. I know there's a transition happening - but she's seeming to be a little spoiled. She is upset mostly when she doesn't get her way. When the pool changed the rules so she couldn't dive off the side of the pool; when I didn't want to play a 4th game of Uno or a 2nd game of Clue; when I said "not right now" to reading her script with her, b/c we'd just finished 4 games of Uno and 2 games of Clue, and it's 9:30, and I'm tired.

When I know they're struggling with transitions, I feel like I need to bend over backward to help. That I need to say yes to all the games and other activities. But I don't like her reactions today. She's not being really all that obnoxious - it's more of a quiet (tragic) sulking.

We'll work through it, I'm sure. For all I know it's something that she found worked with X, and is trying it here. They seem to have found a way to spend much more time with him this trip, even though he was teaching a class every day, and perhaps this was the key there. Sulking. It's not a key here. Sure, I followed her into her room a couple times to see if she was okay, but then I just enforced the things I had previously said to her.

I know things will even out. They always do after a few rocky days.

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, tears

posted by Zuska @ 9:01 AM 0 comments

Saturday, July 21, 2007

I think this is okay ....

I had a super-successful productive day yesterday. I got through everything I wanted to, and thensome. I was working right up until midnight. I read through the February 2007 essay questions (all 10, which I found on the internet during the whole lawsuit media flurry, and liked having all 10 questions together to give myself a sense of the package deal) and felt okay - I didn't think I would have gotten a perfect score on all of them, but I think I understood what the issues were, and could have talked some for each.

Then today, we got up a little before 8. We went to our gyms. We came home, we showered. We walked up to town and went to our bank to sever our accounts (joint from individual) on our ATM cards, and changed our pin #s to be Euro-compliant. We went to an Indian food buffet, which was DELICIOUS. We went to the Gap, b/c I would like more skirts that I can just throw on to walk around town, and all my old ones fall off. We walked home slowly, stopping at Radio Shack to look for electricity converters for Europe. We talked, we enjoyed the 72 degree weather.

I did not freak out. I did not start twitching. I did not get upset.

It's now 1:30, and I'm about to head into my office/bar-study room/ kids' bedroom.

Do I feel guilty?

No.

Do I feel refreshed and ready to be productive?

Yes.

Do I, momentarily, feel like a healthy, well-rounded, able to carry on a conversation sort of person?

YES!

So no ... I don't feel guilty.

p.s. Feeling normal again also makes me miss my kids :( I really would like some snuggle time with them. I saw clothes in Gap Kids that would look great on them.

Labels: *E*, *J*, beloved, europe, exercise, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 1:27 PM 0 comments

Friday, July 20, 2007

A Moment of Mommy-Sadness

My kids are in a play. Right now. They have been in a drama camp in the Middle of the Country, and today is the performance. There are two of them (performances) today. They are in a scene together, and have a duet, and a dance, and everything.

I have never ever ever missed one of their performances. And in two short years, there have been MANY. 3 per year per kid. Maybe 4. I have to say, I'm feeling quite sad about missing this one. I would never have entertained the idea of traveling to the Middle of the Country for this performance ... it's a 2 week camp, it's X's thing, blah, blah blah (and that's not even considering what's going on at this point in MY life). But the sadness remains.

I bet they're so cute. I hope there's a way to get pictures. I guess it's good that X gets a taste of the excitement, and the nervousness, and the process. I just miss it.

I also fear that they will have a harder time once this camp is over (this performance marks the end). They have been seeming to be very busy, and to be having a lot of fun there so far. E has weird moments, though, where she calls here with an almost-desperation. Last night, she called using X's cell phone (which she seems to have unfettered access to) from a concert. So there was lots of noise, and a frantic voice saying, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU MOMMY!" I tried to tell her that it was clearly not a good time for a phone call, but she couldn't hear me. So I hung up. She called back. Finally, she called from their walk home, and said that she just missed me so much, she had to call.

I think that next week, they'll enjoy the ability to just knock around the house, but the NEXT week, they'll start to get bored. And they'll have almost zero access to me, since I'll be in Europe, and I don't have a phone that works in Europe, and I don't want to pay for international cell phone calls.

I will buy a phone card once we arrive, but E won't be able to call ME whenever she's feeling frantic and desperate. She'll have to adhere to a schedule.

Tonight they're going to the HP release party. They're VERY excited about that, and X's wife has been helping them with their costumes, and took them to a second hand clothing store yesterday to find robes and such - I am very grateful that she's so engaged (and always has been) and really picks up the slack that X has always always left behind.

I think I'll go place a quick "good luck" phone call (I realized that I once again added an hour instead of subtracted - their performance is in an hour.)

Labels: *E*, *J*, divorce, summer, X

posted by Zuska @ 5:50 PM 0 comments

Thursday, July 19, 2007

looking up and the sadness of harry potter

i had a great night's sleep last night, and am on my way out to the gym for an installment of endorphins.

spoke with the girls last night - i think they're doing well. they have not gone to see HP 5 yet, so i'll keep crossing my fingers that they don't make j go.

they are going to an HP book party on friday (jealous, jealous, jealous), and E is dressing as luna lovegood, and J is going as draco malfoy. he he he. really, she isn't a bad child.

not only is beloved not allowed to bring the book home from the party at his work on friday night, but he's not allowed to FORGET to bring it home from work on thursday, the 26th. i told him if he comes home (at 9 p.m. or so) without the book in his hand, we will return together, at 10 or so, to get it.

i am considering going dark b/t saturday and the exam on wednesday. perhaps locking my computer in a safe somewhere, and then losing the combination. i don't want to read spoilers about the book.

time to go sweat for a while. i think i'll bring our new book on Paris, and spend the time looking at where i'll be in just over a week.

Labels: *E*, *J*, books, europe, exercise, X

posted by Zuska @ 8:31 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Issue

I am upset with X. I know, everyone's jaws are dropping to the floor.

This is the issue: J hates scary shows and movies. J makes this clear. J has spent many a phone call to me CRYING b/c either X, his wife, his step-father or his mother has ignored the fact that she hates scary shows and movies, and insisted on watching House, or CSI, or inappropriate movies with her. CSI and House have been the biggest offenders.

Harry Potter 5 is in theaters.

E has read all the Harry Potter books, and I think she's (as of now) read them all twice.

I read 1 and 2 to J, and then during 3, she cried Uncle, and set them aside. She's not interested. Dementors are not her thing. I guess she's not into soul-sucking, and in THIS house, that's respected.

The movie is said to be "the darkest of them all." It's rated PG-13. I read a few articles that question whether or not it's even for kids anymore.

E can handle it.

J cannot.

X called me last week. He said, "how firm is this rule that J can't see the movie until she reads the book?" [yes, I do have that rule - but I haven't tried to enforce it when they're at his house, apparently, this is what J told him as the reason why she didn't want to see it.]

I said, "Not only is it pretty firm, but I would think you would understand. Also, it's only 1/2 the reason. The other 1/2 is that it's too scary for her. She doesn't like scary movies." He said, "oh."

Today E told me that they have "a problem."

She and X were going to go see the movie, just the two of them.

But now X's wife decided that SHE wants to see it, too. She's 35. X is 37. J is NINE!!!

You think it's too scary? You think you'll have nightmares for a month? Too-bad, so-sad little girl.

You think you may want to read the books one day? You think it will ruin the experience if you see the movie? Too-bad, s0-sad little girl.

You better fucking grow UP, b/c in the Middle of the Country, there is no respect for your wishes, your desires, your person hood. There is no consideration for your boundaries and your limits. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Yeah, they're making her go. Yeah, she's crying.

Labels: *J*, movies, X

posted by Zuska @ 6:10 PM 1 comments

Friday, July 06, 2007

Skins, Kids and Books

I just downloaded a new skin for my updated Firefox - I'm not sure I like it. It's green. I think it will likely match my blog layout, but I don't tend to spend much time reading my own blog, and it doesn't match much else.

The girls are gone. They got on the plane this a.m. J was very emotional and tearful last night, and was more "depressed" (not in the clinical sense, in the quiet and withdrawn sense) this morning. E was being stoic last night. She was spending time in her room, preparing. She packed a lot more personal stuff than she usually does, and declared that she will NOT be living out of her suitcase this summer, and that if X did not get them a dresser, she will insist on some sort of dresser-like arrangement so she can actually move in this time.

Poor kid.

X called at 8:30 - he had them in hand and said they were happy, smiling and excited. It is the transition that bothers them the most - not the fact of their father, I think. They do have true complaints about how they spend their time and how he acts toward them, but while the transition period makes them say they would NEVER want to go there, I don't think that's the real truth. I think they do want to be there. It's just hard.

I came home and napped. This was the plan:

Sleep from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Go to the gym from 10:30 a.m. to Noon
Shower, start working at 1:00
Leave home at 4:30 to to go the evening class of Corporations II

This is what actually happened:
Sleep from 7:30 a.m. to 12:30
Shower
Email/blog/make coffee set up until 1:30
Starting working at 1:30.

Huh. I guess that the sleep I got from 1:30 to 4:00 a.m. just wasn't enough.

Now it's time. Now I crunch. What usually serves the purpose of the family calendar will become the bar calendar - a dry-erase month-at-a-glance ... with subjects and questions and essays written in rather than birthday parties and picnics and school assignments.

I'm less nervous now than I was in June, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. I definitely have a lot to cram into my head, and I am definitely not in passing range yet. I suppose I trust my ability to learn, but this is definitely time to dig in deep for my ability to persevere and NOT procrastinate.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, parenting, summer

posted by Zuska @ 1:20 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Summer as Torture

One of the worst parts of the days prior to the girls' departure: Tears.

Tonight it's J. She said bye to her BFF tonight, because BFF leaves for their summer house, and they don't return until J's in the middle of the country, and then before J returns, BFF and her family take off for Europe and Israel. They don't return until J is on her way to CT for my brother's baby shower/party/celebration, and then school starts.

This triggered an all-out tear fest about how the Middle Of the Country Sucks. About how all they do there is 5 things: watch t.v., go to the park, go swimming, go to their dad's office, and play on the computer.

I was a little confused. All they do here is go to the park, go swimming, play on the computer ... and?

She corrected me. We think of fun things to do. Beloved takes her to get iceys (she said that like 4 times. Who knew the power of the well-timed Slurpee?), we take them to movies, they have play dates with their friends, we go to concerts at parks.

She said, "every body loves summer but me - summer is torture!" and she had 4 little tear drops coming out of one eye at a time.

:(

What can I say? What can I do?

I got X to agree to a shorter summer from now on - 4 weeks instead of 6 (this year is 5). Two years ago, the girls were so miserable, they came home a week early. I paid the change fee for their plane tickets home.

She wants to not go at all.

Then she said she wants a break next year - she doesn't want to go at all. But she won't tell her father, b/c he'll be mad at her, or he will stop liking her, or he will think she doesn't like him.

Things wouldn't be better for her here this summer. Not with this fucking bar exam. But she said it would. She said that she could hang out with Beloved, and she could go to the library, and she could go to the pool, and she could go to the park, she could get together with friends, and she could BE HAPPY (she yelled that ... it's not a typical Zuska-over-emphasis-with-annoying-caps-lock).

She can't stay home this summer. I'll see how she feels when she returns (always better than before she leaves), and perhaps I'll pass on her request to X for a summer off.

We'll see.

I suspect that now that his financial obligations are being cut in half, and are no longer tied to time spent with the kids (which is how CA does it), he may very well say yes.

Labels: *J*, divorce, summer, tears, X

posted by Zuska @ 9:56 PM 0 comments

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Fire Within

When I get angry, really angry, I get a little ball of fire in my chest, and it makes me want to lash out, physically. Never at a person. I don't want to HIT people. But once, I hit the wall with a belt. Another time, I threw a banana. SEVERAL times, I threw phones. I've broken many phones, actually.

I think the last time I remember throwing a phone, I was in CA, and a single mom, and living paycheck to paycheck. I had just gotten paid, and therefore had plenty of money to go grocery shopping, pay my bills, etc. Yet, when I went to the grocery store, my card was declined. I called the bank to find out what was going on, and they told me that they randomly selected my check for a hold. A 2 week hold. On a PAYROLL check. They said, "oops, sorry, didn't know it was a payroll check, but the hold's on it now, so, too bad." (I'm pretty sure it's illegal to put a hold on a payroll check. It was in CT, I know that.)

I was so angry, I threw the phone from one corner of a relatively large room into the TOP edge of the wall on the opposite corner. HARD.

I mean, come on. I had to buy fucking GROCERIES.

And no, I didn't have credit cards. I had canceled them ALL after post-divorce necessities (i.e., rent and full time childcare before I found a full time job) ran them up toward $30K, and I only was able to pay them off b/c an uncle died. I was done living above my means.

That's the last time I threw a phone.

Today, I almost did it again.

I held it tight, with my knuckles white, and I said 'FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!' a thousand times.

I didn't throw. I held it tight. And I took deep breaths.

And I opened up my Contracts notes.

And I said "fuckfuckfuckfuck"

Then I called:

Hello, Insurance Company. This is Zuska. I just received the notice that you've denied the claim for my daughter's orthodontic work, which was thought necessary by her dentist and orthodontist as a medical procedure because her front tooth is trapped in her fucking gums [no, wait, i didn't say fucking], and so we applied for approval for dental insurance to cover the procedures required. This claim was denied. The problem is, the claim that was denied is in the name of my other daughter WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TO THIS FUCKING DENTIST IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. [no, wait, I was still calm].

Insurance company lady clucked sympathetically at me, and said:

oh yes, you are right, that would explain why we had no x-rays and no medical records and no doctor reports and no ANYTHING on file for her, and so that IS in fact, why it was denied. I'm sorry. The only thing you can do is have your dentist resubmit the claim. And, no, we can't expedite it, it wasn't our fault, it was the dentist's fault.

BUT IT HAS BEEN 10 FUCKING WEEKS, HER TEETH ARE GETTING WORSE, I HATE YOU!

No, I didn't say that. I pushed the "talk" button and again wandered from room to room saying fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

J hates her teeth. She is sad about the state of her teeth on a daily basis. There is of course the constant hope that since she is only 9, her teeth will get better on their own, but you see, they aren't getting better. They're getting worse. She's this gorgeous amazing kid who has to feel like she's NOT gorgeous or amazing, b/c she spends all her time trying to hide her fucking TEETH from the world. First she had a surgery to get an "extra" tooth removed, and the dentist in her Father's state felt that once that was removed, everything else would slide into place. But they did not. So I took her to the dentist, and we started this in February, what with the x-rays and the follow ups and the other baby teeth being pulled and the this and the that ....

(see? beautiful and amazing and gorgeous)

we were told 4 weeks.

It's been 10.

And I wanted her to have her braces ON before she left for the summer, so the braces could start to work (hopefully moving the blocking tooth to its rightful place so the blocked tooth can come down - also hopefully correcting her overbite, even a little, since that's not the goal of these braces - that will be left to the later braces, when she's in 7th grade, or something), and if it turned out that she needs another surgery (to put braces on the stuck tooth in order to pull it down into the land of sunshine), it could happen before she starts school.

But now that's impossible.

I called the dentist's office all afternoon. I called the right department about 100 times and left messages, but they didn't call me back. I think that the administrative offices are already in the summer "Fridays off" mode that takes over in Boston. Then I called the wrong departments, and told them that I was wondering if they were closed, since no one was answering their fucking telephones. They said "no, what do you mean?" They gave me another number, and so I left 15 more messages.

I am trying to come to terms with the timing of everything. Since we only got our answer today, on June 22, the chances of her getting all the prep for braces done AND the braces put on before she leaves on 7/6 are pretty slim. So even if today's letter said yes ... it wouldn't have happened before she leaves for 4 weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to fight and argue and bitch and moan while she's gone, and get the dentists office to at least expedite as much as they can, and hopefully have approval in hand before she gets home.

I am so mad at this dentist's office, which is one the few covered by current insurance, that I 1/2 just want to stop. We're going to be on ridiculously fantastic insurance come the fall with my new job (as opposed to the current shitty insurance), and I will likely switch providers then. But I don't know if she can wait - I was told by at least one person that there's a risk that if her tooth stays in the gum, it will start to break down. It needs to come out and play.

I am not a happy momma.

Labels: *J*, anger, dentists, insurance, stress

posted by Zuska @ 4:47 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

fires and wires.

Our fire alarm went off tonight - the building-wide one. We have little smoke alarms in our apartment, but then there's a building wide one that is triggered for more serious smoke. It has been set off in the past by burned foods on stove tops down the hall, but never by us.

We all left our building, and the firemen came and turned it off. It was nothing. No surprise there.

When I was going down to do the laundry, though, I did smell something slightly burny in the hallways. It smelled kind of plasticky.

I told Beloved about the smell when I got back to our apartment, and he said, "you know, while you were down in the laundry room, our door buzzer buzzed, and I went to see who it was, and there was no one there. Then I went to the back door, and there was no one there." I said, "eh, someone probably pushed the wrong button." he said, "No, we can always hear the buzz of the door being opened." True. "Probably just kids I said."

Then it happened again. No one in either lobby waiting to be let in.

He says he's a little worried that it's a short, and that there's something going on with the wiring in the walls, and that's what triggered the alarm, and that the fire department missed something. I said, "oh no! then we'll have a fire in our walls!" Then I said, "I think it's kids. I'm going in the hallway to watch."

I went into the hallway, and kept my eyes peeled.

I thought it was the kids downstairs. There are 2 apartments in the basement (it's only 1/2 underground), and they both have kids around E and J's ages in them. They tend to both leave their apartment doors open, and the parents let the kids just go wild in the basement hallway. I personally find it completely inappropriate and obnoxious. I don't see them as paying rent for the hallways. Not more than I do ... and you don't see me setting up a folding table and having a party down there. I mean, seriously. Close your damned door.

So I figured it was those kids, horsing around downstairs, and getting clever with the door buzzers.

Even though I'd just been in the laundry room, and both doors were closed.

But, whatever.

I stood in the hallway. No kids. No noises. But a woman and her baby were coming through the back lot, so I knew if there WERE kids, they'd be waiting until it was "all clear."

I felt like a bit of a stalker or something, lurking in the hallway (not to mention the fact that I could hear every word of the conversation between a husband and wife in an apartment back there as they cooked dinner), so I went back to my house while I waited for the mom and baby to get in and up the stairs.

I went back out, just to watch. Beloved said if it happened again, he thought we should call the building manager, and I just wanted to be sure before we bothered him at home that it wasn't horseplay.

Sure enough, after about 30 seconds, from between 2 cars in the parking lot comes a boy. Not a downstairs boy. Not an "I live here, too" boy, but rather, a boy from E's grade. He runs up the steps, oh-so-stealthily, sees me through window, and turns and runs away. Following after him? 2 more boys from E's grade.

I ran down the stairs, opened the door and yelled, [Boy One's name], [Boy Two's Name] and [Boy Three's Name]! I almost called the fire department! Stop ringing our buzzer!!!"

I came inside laughing. Beloved said, "E mail their moms!" I said, nah. I'd rather them be on pins and needles wondering if I would e-mail their moms. This is the most innocent of childhood pranks. If they keep it up after being caught, okay - I'll consider contacting moms. But not for this.

E, though, was indignant, and she and J went to the park where the boys were congregating. This is a very .... lush park. It's not that big, but it's pretty big and tree-filled for a city park. The neighborhood surrounding it is mostly $1 million (and higher) homes. Even the ones that are actually condos, but look like a castle. I would say that in the horseshoe that surrounds the park, there are likely 30 households, including my building, which has 14 of those. The park is mostly used as a toddler park and a dog park.

One of the 3 boys just moved to this neighborhood. He's been in our school district forever, and is friends with the other two, and now they're all in the same neighborhood. Not necessarily the best combo, in my opinion. It's a combination of boys that E has struggled with in the past at recess, and now ... they're in our backyard.

One of them had a Nerf Gun. (They had it when I saw them in the parking lot), and when E went out there, and "chased them" - they chased her back, while aiming the "nerf gun." I thought she meant a water gun, so I laughed and said, "did you get wet?" She said, "No, Mom, it wasn't a water gun, it was a nerf gun. It shot arrows, and I didn't appreciate getting shot, and you need to e-mail their moms." I still said no, b/c she went out there to confront them. She chased them first (even though she later tried to say no she didn't, but J verified that the first version was correct). I thought she'd go out there and they'd all laugh. I wish I didn't let her go out.

While folding laundry I thought it over a bit more. I'm really not that happy to think that we're going to have park issues this summer. I've been looking forward to the girls having free play time there, and if the boys act like a little harassing posse (as they've done in the past, and it was stopped only by E's getting adult interference and the boys being spoken to by the principal), the girls aren't going to want to go.

Also, I don't want boys shooting a gun (nerf or not) at my daughters. I don't think it's an appropriate way to behave toward others in a public place and with people who didn't consent to, and don't enjoy, that type of play.

I am not contacting mothers today, and I told E as much. However, if they continue to shoot a gun at her (I think I'm going to except water guns, but we'll see), and if they continue to harass the girls when they go to the park, I will intervene.

And then out comes my insecurity "oh, but they're home owners, and we're renters, and what if there's just nothing we can do about it b/c they actually have more of a right to be there?"

Where the hell does that come from?

Labels: *E*, *J*, apartment, kids, park

posted by Zuska @ 7:50 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Father's Day - baking, studying, swimming, studying

The girls and I made Beloved a coffee cake for Father's Day. I used this recipe, and had checked it yesterday. I looked at what we had in the cabinets, and surmised that I had everything I needed. Yet, when it came to the eggs, I panicked, thinking "I don't think we have any!" We did. We had 3 (needed 3). Then it came time for the sour cream, and I had thought yesterday "oh, we just used dollops of that on our tacos the other night, surely there's 1 1/4 cups left" - there wasn't. There was probably 4/5ths of a cup. So then I had to research substitutions. To get 1 cup of substitution of sour cream, you need 7/8th cup of buttermilk, and 3 t's of butter. In order to make buttermilk, you need 3/4 a cup of milk plus 2 t's of vinegar. I asked E to come figure out the fractions for me - b/c I needed 1/3 cup of buttermilk. Not 3/4, not 1. 1/3. I needed to know how many t's of vinegar for THAT? She couldn't really figure out the proper starting place. So I did it.

Okay, fine. The batter came out great, we got the cake in the oven. A quick check, though, showed it was a little darker than I thought it should be after 20 minutes (of 55). I looked and thought perhaps the oven was running HOT, b/c last night, when Beloved did the dishes, he left a pot cover over the burner that serves as the vent. So no heat was escaping. Then I realized not only that, but the little dot that I thought was 375, was actually the little dot for 400. Shit.

I think it's okay, though. It's out of the oven now, and cooling. Yeah it's sort of dark around the edges. But. Whatever.

The girls made him cards last night. When they really put their time into making cards, they make masterpieces. E's is like a little scrapbook, and she did a pastel drawing of a sunset on a beach that came out really gorgeous (I may photograph it later and post it).

Now I have to get them to call X.

This is where Father's Day causes angst for my kids. They don't like doing it toward 2 people. They feel/understand/know that they have TWO people to honor on this day, but they wish they could just pick one. But they don't know who to pick. X is their "father" - duh. But Beloved is a huge part of their lives, and plays the role of "dad" 350 days a year. And honestly, he does it a lot better than X.

Well, we're gonna eat coffee cake, and then the girls and I are going to the Town pool. They asked yesterday, and I thought, "I think they can go on their own" (it's 3 blocks away). Then I thought, "Oh! Wait! I am no longer unhappy with my body to the point of not putting on a bathing suit! *I* can go swimming! I can do laps! I can have fun!" So ... I'm going, too.

I was going to go to the gym this a.m., too, but when I got up at 7, I thought calling to see what their Sunday hours are would be a good idea. They opened at noon. Glad I didn't bike over. Since I was going to swim today, I just did some sit ups, push ups and weights here at home.

After the pool, the girls will either a) do something with Beloved, or b) get kicked out to the park with their roller blades and soccer balls while I sit here studying for the fucking bar exam.

Fucking bar exam. I hate you.

Labels: *E*, *J*, beloved, cooking, Father's Day, swimming, X, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 12:06 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

No Time to Post

I don't bring my computer to bar class, which is definitely a good thing. In the afternoons, I only ocassionally need/use the computer, and find myself doing little other than keeping up with e-mail.

Also ... I don't have anything to say. "I studied for the bar exam today" gets a little boring. I'm not keeping up with much news; I'm not talking much with friends; I'm not thinking much about anything but the damned bar exam.

Well, other than the kids, but I fear that gets boring, too.

The girls' school had a picnic last night. J had a meltdown on the way out, and it sort of colored the whole otherwise-pleasant evening. She even made a spectical of herself. Friends were running over to her to talk, and then shyly stepping away backward as they saw her face all twisted and smeared with tears. I'm not really blaming myself for not giving the usual "ten minute warning," although I sort of am. She just crumbled so quickly, I know that she had to go. She wouldn't have crumbled like that if she were in a normal frame of mind. She (and her sister) had been RUNNING from 5:30 until I went to fetch her at 7:40. It was a giant water fight.

I am only a tiny bit behind in the Bar-Bri paced program, which I see as a major accomplishment, considering how much non-Zuska stuff has been going on in the house. I am 2 essays behind and I have 1/2 day of notes to condense that I didn't get to. Maybe I'll get to it tonight. Problem being that after getting up at 5:30 for a run; getting hte kids out the door; sitting through bar class; rushing home to get my stuff and go to the library; studying for 4 hours; ushering kids home; eating dinner; getting kids to bed .... I feel done for the day. Which is a little worrisome when I look ahead to the schedule I hope to maintain while working full time. Hopefully the crushing stress that I have been feeling a la the MA Board of Bar Examiners is a lot more intense than day-to-day will be at Future Firm.

Tonight my assignment includes my first essay to hand in for a grade. I'm a little nervous, b/c I haven't gone through the Massachusetts-specific stuff on ANY of the subjects and put it on notecards yet. So I'm sure I can write an essay according to MBE material, but not so much for my state. Oops. I also wish I knew what the topic was going to be. I guess I could peek, but that would be cheating.

Labels: *J*, bar prep, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 7:57 AM 0 comments

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Plays and Puberty

J had a play this weekend. My mom came into town to see it, and Beloved and I went twice. E was going to come last night and miss today (due to the final softball game of the year), but then she ended up going to see Pirates 3 with friends last night, and so she left 1/2 way through her softball game today.

After school on Friday, E was picked up by a friend and went straight to a birthday party which was a sleepover. She was home for a few hours on Saturday, but then went to the movies with 3 other friends. She was dropped off at the site of J's play, and we left from there to a dessert restaurant, and were not home until 9:30. Today, E had cello and softball and then J's play.

So when friends asked us to go to dinner iwth them, I took into account my own exhaustion (see all that up there? Add in 4 hours of bar study per day and very early a.m. wake ups in order to fit it all in) as well as E's increasing grumpiness when I said no. J had tears initially, but by the time we walked home, we'd all come to terms iwth the fact that the best decision was definitely to come home.

Until.

J's friend called again to see if maybe, please, could just J have dinner with them? Beloved and I had a powow, and decided yes, just J *could* have dinner with them.

E cried. It's not fair. I love J better, b/c she's the youngest. I overcompensate J for being the youngest, thinking E gets everything, but instead giving J everything. Why did I buy J flowers for her play? I must love her better. Life is so unfair. Why do I keep telling E she is grouchy and overtired when she is not, it's not her, it's ME (i.e., MOM) who is the problem .... blah blah blah.

I went to give her a hug, and after holding her on my lap for a minute, forcefully told her she had to get in the shower NOW. I immediately, upon hearing the water turn on, went to the internet, and found what I was looking for:

As you enter puberty, the puberty hormones affect the glands that are under your arms and cause you to have "body odor." This is normal and everybody gets it, it can be more intense for some teens, and often you are just unlucky if you have a problem with body odor, but check out that link.

and then:

Many teens DO sweat more when they are growing or while their hormones are still fluctuating.

Phew. But then, the very next paragraph?

Hormones are also responsible for the emotional changes that take place during puberty. You may feel confused, have emotional outbursts, feel sad, or have strong emotions or mood that change quickly. You might be overly sensitive or easily lose your temper. There are those crazy hormones working on you again.

Yeah, no shit.

Labels: *E*, *J*, parenting, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 03, 2007

I am a Studier

Okay - I'm feeling better. J rubbed my back, Beloved gave me Motrin, and I had a hot shower with a massaging, pulsating flow of water. It is not perfect, and I worry about tonight. I don't want to be up all night again and in such pain in the a.m. that I will be in tears while lugging 17 giant books to my class.

I have had some success in my day's studying. I did my first round of practice questions, and am pleased with my 84% accuracy thus far. I clearly don't know the elements of burglary (but can learn them), and felt tricked on the double jeopardy question. But that was only one that I found to be tricky. I hate tricky. I don't mind hard. Hard makes me feel like, "oh, I need to study more," but tricky? Tricky makes me feel like, "Those bastages! Why do they want people to fail???"

Tonight, I have to look at a few essays, and preview Evidence for tomorrow. Which means I have at least 3 hours of work in front of me, still.

My family is utterly exhausted. E just returned home from an all day bday party; J got home at 1-ish, and is practically in a coma, she's so tired. Beloved is exhausted, and I'm exhausted-but-I-can't-be, and still have more to do.

One thing that is kind of bothering me - I'm not sure I'll ever again have time for sex. Time or energy. That's depressing.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar prep, beloved, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 6:31 PM 1 comments

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Results of the Chaos

J: Mom, where's my soccer bag?
Z: In the kitchen. Where all soccer bags go, of course.
J: [laughs]
Z: It's because I was packing it when it started to thunder.
J: So, then, is it packed?
Z: No, because your soccer ball is in the bathtub.

Labels: *J*, chaos, soccer

posted by Zuska @ 8:04 AM 0 comments

Friday, June 01, 2007

Calgon? Is that stuff even on the market anymore?

I was thinking, "I'm gonna call my friend J, and whine about how stressed I am." Then I thought, "Beloved's gonna call soon, I'm gonna whine to him about how stressed I am." Then I considered calling my mom, and whining to HER about how stressed I am. Then I thought, "why? I have a blog [for who knows how much longer], I'll whine to it about how stressed I am."

[quick aside: I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more than anything else in the world. I like the smell of skunks. I hate the smell of cologne ... but I hate the smell of cigarette smoke more. So when a collection of boys gather right outside my window and smoke like 17 packs of cigarettes, blowing their nasty-ass smoke into my general direction, I get pissy. I am just that pissy right NOW. At the same time, it gave me an excuse to close the windows and turn on the a/c, which I think was a good thing, since I just went into the bathroom and found two rather round and well-formed droplets of sweat on my face.]

I shouldn't get to complain, b/c despite my stress, I just found 20 minutes to sit at a friend's kitchen table and guzzle a glass of wine while hearing a very brief synopsis of relationship history.

But I am complaining anyway.

5:50 a.m.: Wake up; run around reservoir.
7:00 a.m.: Walk in front door, check on E's morning routine progress; usher kids toward proper clothing and breakfast consumption.
7:30 a.m.: sign a flurry of school notices due to be returned TODAY, or else children will shatter, crack, and likely die.
7:45 a.m.: say bye to children.
7:45:05 a.m.: get in shower
8:14 a.m.: Smile at myself in the mirror in my new [smaller] skirt and cute shoes.
8:25 a.m.: Leave for BarBri
9:10 a.m.: Arrive at BarBri; commence guilty feelings for not finishing the condensing of my notes last night; listen in dread to the lists of tasks completed by my classmates while i was attending "Fun Night" at the kids' elementary school, and helping J with her latest school project, due next Weds., but creating stress now.
9:30 a.m.: Watch video about the torture that will be the MBE Exam.
10:00 a.m.: Think, "Oh my God, I cannot listen to Professor [??] Kaufman talk about Agency and Partnership for more than 3 minutes, b/c his voice and mannerisms are going to make my brain detach from my spinal cord ... or something.
10:10 a.m.: Find myself laughing at Professor Kaufman, and realize that his "performance" is clearly calculated to create triggers in our pathetic brains.
1:10 p.m.: Run out of class to the T station where I am forced to wait until
1:30 p.m.: Get on Train
1:50 p.m.: Arrive in parking garage where zipcar is parked; freak out because parking pass thingy is not in car where it's supposed to be, and I cannot get out of the garage b/c I don't have an entry ticket, b/c I came on foot, and paying for parking without an entry ticket will likely cost upwards of $400 [the monthly fee].
1:52 p.m.: Call Zipcar and think about how utterly helpless they are, try to remember how helpful they were on Monday, wonder why they say, "well, if no one there can help you, call us back" - why? Why not just do whatever it is you would do if I called you back NOW??
1:53 p.m.: Leave garage after pushing "help" button and asking the man to lift the gate. [yeah, that was hard. I'm a dork. As we all know.]
2:03 p.m.: Arrive at public library, 30 feet from elementary school, figure out how to put top down on the Mini named Mim; realize it's too fucking hot for the top to be down, and that I wasted $2/hour on a fancy-pants car when all I really want is a/c.
2:04 p.m.: See E, call her to the car.
2:07 p.m.: Get home, call store to see if shirts are in; make list of items to purchase for tomorrow's bday party.
2:14 p.m.: Leave house.
2:30 p.m.: Arrive at Target, realizing that I have eaten nothing but 2 golf-ball sized nectarines and 20 cherries all day. Realize that I have a headache. Realize that I may pass out.
2:45 p.m. Call other mom who's doing this bday party; run choices by her; get new assignments of things to purchase.
2:55 p.m.: Tell E "sure, go ahead and grab a bag of Peanut M&M's"
3:15 p.m.: Get back in car, having all necessary items (except plain M&Ms, meant for the party, but Target ran out, b/c M&Ms were "buy one get one free"), decide to take E to an art store to get a bday gift for her friend's party which is on Sunday, and to stop at Starbucks for a caffeine-free Frappucino for her, and a venti icey non-fat sugar-less coffee for me.
3:25 p.m.: Realize that I'd eaten entirely too many peanut M&Ms.
3:45 p.m.: Feel a sense of pride at speedy errands as I checked out at the art store and wondered if there's still time for a Stop & Shop run to get ingredients for cookies which I Promised 9 year old's I'd make with them tonight during sleep over extravaganza.
4:15 p.m.: Arrive at home; drop off Target bags and E; look up cookie recipes; make list.
4:30 p.m.: Drop off Zipcar; walk to Stop & Shop; call dr.'s office on the way to make appointments for girls' annual physicals.
4:50 p.m.: Call E, tell her I'm on my way home, and that she needs to do her cello practice; clean her room, and pack her overnight bag so I can drop her off at her friend's house on my way to meet J at soccer where J will be dropped off after acting class, because I need to bring J her cleats, etc.
4:53 p.m.: Receive phone call from E's friend's mom [potential new friend] who wants to "stop by" b/c she's driving past the house and she'll just wait for E while E packs bag. I freak out, tell Potential New Friend that my home is not fit for Human Viewing, and that she cannot come to my house, that I will bring E to her .... later. Potential New Friend informs me that i am, in fact, a freak, and now she wants to be my friend even more. he he he.
5:00 p.m.: Arrive home, scurry around the house picking up, putting away eggs [yes, in that order], coaching E through cello practice; making phone calls re: thunder and lightning and their potential effect on soccer practice and alternate plans for J, who can't be dropped off at home while I'm dropping off E.
5:20 p.m.: Leave house with E.
5:30 p.m.: Arrive at Potential New Friend's House. She pours me a glass of wine. I sit. After sitting for literally 4 minutes, cell phone rings with Alternate Plan Mom [also co-bday party mom] saying, "Can I bring the 9 year olds to your house now?" I somehow put her off for "ten minutes"
5:45 p.m.: Finally leave New Friend's house; practically jog (still in pretty new smaller skirt) to my own house, calling Other Mom saying, "okay!! Bring them over now!" Just hoping that I'll get there before her so I don't have to tell her that I chose to sit and have a glass of wine instead of meeting her at my house 15 minutes ago.
6:00 p.m.: 9 year olds get dropped off. I clean a little, e-mail a little, sweat a little, smell a little cigarette smoke, usher 9 year olds and their damned recorders into the bedroom and close the door, and eventually kick them outside once thunder and lightning are gone and sun is back so they can kick the soccer ball.
6:15 p.m. I write this post.

I still have to do a lot. Beloved's at the store (after work) getting stuff for veggie nachos (veggie in honor of our Kosher 9 year old friend, b/c she can't have the meat and cheese together, and I'd rather give up the meat than the cheese ... although I'd also like meat. I guess Beloved could have cooked it up separate, and just sprinkled it on MY nachos. Damn. I wonder if he'll think of that? This is the kind of thing that he always thinks of. I sit here thinking, "oh, too bad I didn't tell him that," and then he comes home with the same thing in mind, and I gush over how wonderful he is, and how we were clearly made for each other, and that he is truly my soul mate, b/c he read my mind, and made my life perfect.)

I have to make cookies. And I have to make a play list. And I wish I saved this cute new skirt for tomorrow at the party ... but I did not.

Uh, Blogger's having an outage in 2 minutes. I better publish this, and go clean more.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar exam, bar prep, beloved, birthdays, chaos, friends, housework, parenting, rain, soccer, studies, weather, weekends, whining, zipcar, Zuska the Dork

posted by Zuska @ 6:26 PM 3 comments

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Spinning Top

I graduated on Friday. See how happy that seems to make me? *

Apparently, however, I've been under some stress this week. Between traveling to see the baby, graduating from law school, ushering my daughter through her 9th year, and traveling back to home state to see the baby again --- physical symptoms of the stress have struck me in the form of multiple cold sores, which tends to be the plague of Zuska. I can handle all this stuff, I can do it, and be mostly okay, but my body says, "bullshit, woman, this is too much!" and waa laa! My lip is swollen, and all I want to do is hide in my house.

Or in this case, my mother's house.

J's bday went well. She enjoyed her gifts - especially the roller blades that grandma and grandpa gifted her with. They also gave E a pair, which tends to go against my usual beliefs about siblings receiving gifts when it's not their birthday - but in this case, it was for the best. J won't want to go rollerblading on her own, and if E has some, too, they can do it together, and therefore more often. Her paternal grandmother sent her knitting supplies, which she enjoys a great deal (weirdo).

Graduation also went well. There isn't too much to say about it ... the ceremony was fine. I was not impressed with our faculty speaker .... our commencement speaker was no biggy. Our student speakers (who are elected by the student body b/c we don't have class rank) were really good, and I especially like the one who I nominated. She ended her speech with a rap. She was so cute. I wish I knew her better.

We came home from graduation and my parents and I all napped for an hour before we went out to dinner. Dinner was really good, and then we went home and I crashed .... well, after I tried to sort through clothes in my room.

I'm having a horrid time with clothes right now. I've gone down a size and a half, pretty much, and don't really have clothes. The clothes I had been wearing were stretched with belts for a while, but now I'm to the point where they look like clown pants. I bought a few things to carry me through - not wanting to buy too much, b/c I want to keep shrinking.

I was afraid to get rid of the useless ones, though. Like I said previously, I can't continue with the gym, and it's hard for me to wake in the a.m. So what if I end up needing that bigger size again? Beloved said - no. Get rid of the clothes. He said I won't need them again, he knows I'll keep up with the exercise, and if over time, I do need the bigger size again, I should buy new things that are in style, etc. (In style? Me?)

And so, my mom offered to take them. I put them all in big garbage bags, and she's throwing them all into her attic. Which meant I had to get it done. Great night-after-graduation activity? No?

THEN I crashed.

Now I'm back in home state. I spent the afternoon at my brother's, but was unable to hold the baby b/c of the stupid cold sores. J did great with him, though, and loved holding him and seeing him. I actually was going to stay home (hello? exhaustion? stress?) - but J really wanted to see her cousin.

We played Scrabble last night ... J, my mom and I. I left E home with Beloved, and they watched movies that J can't tolerate (she can't do intensity - regardless of the rating), and who knows what they're doing today ... if they're even awake.

This week ... BarBri starts! Woo hoo. Yippeee. Yikes.

Oh yeah, and prepping for J's bday party (joint party with her BFF whose bday is a week after hers) which is on Saturday. Groan.

*So yeah, I decided to supply a face with the blog ... considering that we're in the end-stages of this journey here, and I know I'll be closing up shop at the end of the summer, and that I'm likely identifiable already by anyone who knows me, and by anyone who wants to figure out who I am.

Labels: *E*, *J*, bar prep, everything, graduation

posted by Zuska @ 11:53 AM 7 comments

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Growing Pains

I am really glad that the school confronts adolescence head on. E is in 5th grade, and it's time for them to start to learn about development and puberty, etc.

Today, E brought a friend home with her from school. Straight in the door "oh, we saw this movie in our class today," and "we saw that, too - it isn't fair that the girl section is 15 minutes and the boy section is like 30 seconds. We are so unfortunate." "yeah, someone in my class asked 'why does a penis get hard?' and the teacher made us a diagram." Someone else's 10 year daughter using her finger to depict the penis in its flacid, semi-erect, and fully erect state.

Nice.

The conversations that just went on after dinner (just our family) sent Beloved running from the room out of fear that he'd say something inappropriate ... E came out with, "[it ocurrs to me that repeating this conversation will result in many search hits which I'm not really looking for]." Basically, Beloved and I were trying to stop ourselves from saying things that would clue the girls into knowing that we are, in fact, despite our status as their parents, sexual beings. We know the things that they're learning right now b/c of experience - and the girls don't want (or need) to think/know about this right now. So we'll just stifle our thoughts, keep from sharing our inside knowledge, and smile later at the kids' ability to be so very candid and open, and comfortable while talking about hand-held mirrors and the benefits of knowing where all your equipment is located.

Phew.

We're watching American Idol. I am leaving 1/2 way through to go my book group where I can make sourpuss faces at the book - Eat, Pray, Love. I think I'm NOT a memoir person. If I don't know someone - I don't care 300 pages worth about their life. Not if they're just some chick who got sad so traveled to some different countries. She's just some chick!!!

Labels: *E*, *J*, American Idol, school

posted by Zuska @ 7:53 PM 1 comments

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