I have no idea how much I'm looking for negatives and how much I'm right.

I think that X forgot J's bday (which is today!!). He always tells me when he puts something in the mail for the girls, and he didn't. We spoke earlier in the week about financials, and the birthday didn't come up. Nothing has come in the mail for her, except from his mom.

I told Beloved last night that I was wondering if I should call X and let him know - call you daughter tonight. I just think that if it was E who he was close to forgetting about, she'd be on the phone herself bitching him out, b/c she's been so bitter (which really is hurt from feeling neglected and ignored) about him lately. But J has such a sunny disposition about people. She knows that E is so angry and full of spite toward X, and she sort of just shrugs and says, "but I like Daddy." I will be so sad for her if he doesn't call or do anything for her bday, and she ends her day upset (if she even notices).

Beloved says I shouldn't call him, b/c I'm not his mother. Yet, it's not his mother I'm interested in being it - it's J's.

Like I say, though. For all I know, he'll be calling later and saying, "your gift is in the mail." It's just so hard to imagine, I guess. That your daughter's birthday is nothing but a phone call and a promise. No trips into downtown for dessert items; no rushing around to get trinkets to pass out to her friends in the classroom,* no bday invitation-making parties, no waking her up with tickles and songs and cuddles.

* Yeah, we used to hand out cupcakes. But then allergies became so damned widespread, and the ingredients just can't be monitored, and so - no baked goods allowed. Kids hand out pencils, and little animals, and hi-bounce balls ... stuff like that. We got glitter-covered pencils and fancy little eraser tops to put on top of them. She'll hand them out at the end of the day, and her teacher will pull her ear (??) and she will be happy.

Update: I decided that if his mom called before he did, I would call him - just because I had a lot going on with my parents in town, and E coming home early with a friend, and errands to run - but X called on his own, with no prompting, around 6 p.m. He told J that he'll give her a gift when she arrives at his house for the summer (in July). I'm glad I didn't end up calling him to remind him, b/c he did not forget, and I'd rather we (mostly E and I, b/c E was so sure he'd forget, and she was really due to be wrong in this sort of thing with X) know that he called on his own, rather than me just thinking "yeah, right" when he said, "oh, I was gonna call."

Labels: birthdays, ex-relations

posted by Zuska @ 10:58 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Today, I am a typical ex-wife

Oh boy did I go off. I am not proud, and I have said as much to my current and ex husband.

I started to write out the details of what went on, but I'm not sure they matter. What I said [I mean, yelled] at the ex was that I am sick and tired of having to clean up his messes; I'm sick of having to rearrange day after day after day to deal with yet another thing that he screwed up with; I am tired of dealing with crying girls, because he has let them down yet again. I told him taht he can't get a single fucking thing right, and that it's ridiculous that he expects Beloved and I to drop everything to make it all better for the girls .... every time. Big and small.

This time was small. Which is why I felt like a fool. But it's coming on the heels of big, and then another big ... although I opted not to dwell on negative, and didn't blog about.

I regretted making the phone call. Only because 1) I like to think I'm above your typical ex behavior; 2) it gives him fodder for condescending and rude comments for the rest of my life.

I came home (from being out in the rain, running from class to softball to stores to try and replace the item that the ex fucked up with) and had an email from him, as I expected, but it's tone was not what I expected. He was more apologetic/explanatory than angry and indignant. I was surprised by that.

I said nothing untrue. I still am not proud. I may end up revisiting the post I left behind, though. To sort of explain my bitterness and fierceness on behalf of my kids. :(

Labels: ex-relations

posted by Zuska @ 8:09 PM 0 comments

Friday, April 20, 2007

And then I brushed my teeeeth

Beloved and I head back to my parents' house today. We are getting the kidlets back tomorrow, and driving back here after we have dinner with my parents and my brother and his wife-who-is-about-to-pop, and who I'm liking a lot more lately. I think she is a little shy (or self-protective? or unsure of herself? or, perhaps, from what others say of me, she has been intimidated by me? some say I do that to people. It's not on purpose. I promise.) and that may be why it's been hard to get close.

But I reached out this past weekend, and I brought her some baby-presents, which included this kick ass diaper bag (yes, that is a diaper bag, despite its awesomeness), some baby books, a book for my brother, and some Allagash Tripel for my brother, which I introduced him to on Christmas Eve, and which he cannot get south of Massachusetts. And we had a nice talk, and she used the word "fuck." It makes me trust people more if they're willing to say "fuck" to me. Trust that the barriers are down, and they're being real. Which is funny, because there was a time in my life where I thought that saying fuck meant that the person speaking was a sinner and would go to hell unless they accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. Now I think it means someone is a real person. [pause over that.] Yep, seems accurate.

Anyway. I decided to "go slow" this a.m. I've been getting up at 7 or earlier every day this week, despite the girls' absence, and going to the gym, and doing my usual stuff. Today, however, I got up at 8:30, and then decided to "blog for a minute" which somehow turned into 2 hours (so far). I have my IP book sitting next to me here, and I mean to crack it open to do the reading for my 3:30 make up class. I am going to do that as soon as publish this rambling post. Then I will assess the time, and either a) get in the shower; or b) get on the bike (dirty) and go to the gym before class. I've been exercising 6 days a week, and if today's my day off, that's okay with me. It is also beautiful out, though, so I could consider running around the lake. Again, depending on the time. I also need to pack. That sort of tips the scales toward today being a day off.

Last Saturday a.m., I was at my parents' house, and I went for a jog in the country. In the year 2000, my ex and I lived separately - not because of marital strife - but b/c his academic career brought him to another country for 6+ months. The fact that this sort of thing is acceptable to him is probably 30% of the reason for our eventual divorce. The realizations that the time apart granted me is probably another 30%.

Anyway. While he was gone, I made it my mission to lose my baby weight. I couldn't afford a gym, b/c I had no husband and I was working part-time so I could be with my babies as much as possible (my mom also worked part-time, and together, we provided for their full-time care), so I ran around in the country. I lost a lot of weight, felt great, and enjoyed my time in the out of doors in hte early mornings before the birds woke up.

That is the route I took last Saturday a.m. It was FUN to revisit. And it's so different from running here in an urban setting. While I was running, I passed this bush. Out of a bush came a ..... creature. I honestly don't know what it was, but it ran out, practically ran OVER my shoe, all in a flurry, and then ran in a circle back to the bush. It was quick and furtive like a squirrell, but I thought I heard the flapping of wings, like a bird. A bird, however, would never have come that close to me. I think it was a bat. Which is scary, b/c if it bit me, I'd probably have rabies. But it didn't really touch me.

However, I YELLED. I was so scared! My heart was racing (and if it was racing beyond the speed it was already at due to running, I'm lucky I didn't just die of a heart attack!).

That would have never happened here.

I'm willing to see tomorrow a.m. if it will happen again.

______________________________

Last night, E called me at 10:15 p.m. She was missing me a lot, but sounded like she was having a really good time - her voice was up and happy, and I could tell she's okay. Some way into the conversation, however, she told me that J was crying, and her father was talking to her to try and figure out what was wrong. E said she thinks that J was missing me, and she was mad at her dad b/c they again watched CSI, scaring J out of her wits. That made E miss Beloved and I.

It was hard to put all of this together because she was using the ex's cell phone, and it doesn't work in his house. He has a land line, but they can't place outgoing calls from it (he's subletting), they can only receive. So I said I'd call the landline. She said I can't, b/c the ex was waiting for "an important business call." It was now 10:30. p.m. Hello? I said, "um, it's 10:30." She said, "yeah, I know, seems dumb." I dropped it. E then talked to Beloved, and then J talked to beloved, and then J wanted to talk to me. She couldn't understand me - I couldn't understand her - but I could tell that her voice was thin, and she was upset. She was being all "strong" and saying, "well, I can't understand you, so I guess I'll call you tomorrow." But she was fighting crying, I could tell.

I was so angry. I get angry at my ex kind of rarely. I'm just not emotionally invested in him. But he knew that the kids and I were struggling to hear one another, and he just didn't care. He kept insisting he was waiting for an "important business call" at 11 at night (by the time we hung up). I think he's an asshole.

(and i'm calling the kids now, so there).

Labels: ex-relations, exercise, kids, law school

posted by Zuska @ 11:01 AM 4 comments

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Oh, yuck.

I have been talking to the ex today about our plans to do the kid-switcheroo. He is truly a fucker who is disinterested in everyone but himself and what he sees as his greatness, but since that no longer affects me on a day-to-day basis, I am more than capable of talking to him and seeing him without any visceral reactions.

He told me today, however, that he is bringing his parents (mother and step-father) to pick up the girls. They're flying in from their far-away home, and he's going straight from the airport to me in order to get the kids.

I really don't want to see his parents. His mother is really a problem to me. For the following reasons:

Ex-Mother-in-Law has let the ex know that it is her mission in life to "lead E and J to the Lord." (i.e., get them to be "born again."
Back during the initial separation period, the ex told his parents untruths about the reasons, mostly to garnish their sympathy and financial support (he has acknowledged this with me, I do not make it up), and they are completely clueless as to the real reasons. They therefore hate me. At least his mother does.
Ex-Mother-in-Law thinks I suck because I don't homeschool the kids.
Ex-Mother-in-Law has not seen me since I put on my law-school weight.
Ex-Mother-in-Law plays games. Her favorite is to claim she has mailed things to me, and then complain that "the mail man must hate her" and how "unusual" it is that packages just never make it from her to me. She's making shit up. I get mail from everyone. Never have I not gotten a package. I firmly believe that she isn't mailing stuff. And she likes to just play the "oh, what a nasty ex-wife my son has" game. But you know what? He doesn't have a nasty ex-wife. I am so ridiculously respectful of him, of her (well, at least in teh girls' presence), of his sisters, and anyone else I ever talk to the girls about from that past piece of my life.
Ex-Mother-in-Law was divorced when the ex was 3. She hates her ex. She never got over it. She acts like a fucking fool about it. She still won't even speak on the phone if he calls her house when my ex is there. She just puts the phone down and walks away. Apparently, she thinks that is the way that adults behave. She's wrong.
The ex MIL was very mean to her son when he was little. She married a man who mistreated her son. Who spoke horribly to her son. The man did not stop behaving that way when he had daughters of his own. He has mellowed with age, and is not unkind to my girls, but there is absolutely positively no reason why she married that man. She, by doing that, in my opinion, heavily contributed to the reasons for my divorce. And for her son's very very very deep unhappiness.
I dislike ex-Mother-in-Law immensley, and honestly -- I always have. She's nasty, she's tacky, she's rude, she assumes that everyone agrees with her judgmental, hateful opinions, and she exudes negativity from her pores.

I am really really dreading this.
So much so, that I'm considering crying to my daddy on Saturday that I can't do it, and instead begging him to do it for me.
I can't do that --- the girls would never forgive me. The girls have a stable mother. A mother who refuses to be affected in her behavior by icky people. REALLY icky people.
Just - yuck.

Labels: ex-relations

posted by Zuska @ 11:41 AM 2 comments

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

tears

As I said in the past, the ex had a change of plans and won't be coming to the girls' play next weekend. He hadn't told them yet. I didn't tell them because it wasn't 100% clear that he had decided what to do. Tonight he confirmed - he's just not coming. His "other commitment" is pretty ... required or whatever, and he's not coming.

He said he wanted to be the one to tell the girls (mostly E, because she has a larger role in the play). Well, the more power to him.

Soon after my e-mail exchange with him, the phone rang.

E: blah blah blah, cut on my knee, basketball, recess, blah blah blah.
[silence from other end of phone]
E: What? What, daddy?
[silence]
E: [crying] What do you mean, daddy?
[silence]
E: DAD! YOU SAID YOU WOULD COME! WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU HAVE TO COME! YOU CAN'T NOT COME! WHAT MEETING? WHO CARES ABOUT THE MEETING.
[silence ... mixed with tears]
E: YOU SAID YOU WOULD COME! YOU LIED TO ME! YOU HAVE TO COME! DON'T GO TO THE MEETING! YOU ARE COMING TO THIS PLAY!
[much other upsetedness and crying and yelling]
E: BYE! I said, BYE!
[slight 'beep' hang up noise.]

Yeah, she hung up on her father.

Yeah. That went well. J came into the room at that point. She waited for E to tell her what was said (J is a smart girl -- I think she knew what happened on the phone). Then the tears spread. E went running to her room in misery, after proclaiming the ex a "liar" and stating that she would never talk to him again. J cried on my lap (where E had been before that), and then the phone rang.

Of course, it was the ex.* He spoke to J, who cried. In his ear. He explained himself to J, and then asked to talk to E. E refused, but then said, "no! i will talk to him!" Uh oh. Her tone was NOT conciliatory. She grabbed the phone and went OFF on him about how he cares about work more than he cares about his kids.

But then she just cried, and somehow convinced him to try and come for a dress rehearsal.

She later told me she wished that people didn't need jobs to make money, and it was all money's fault.

That made me nervous. I tried to let her know ... money isn't the only motivation for work - people have things that make them happy. She fought me - she said, "but he said he made a commitment - why did that commitment matter more than the commitment to ME?" Then she said, "why does it matter more than their FAMILY???" I asked her - what if the commitment he made was to his parents? And it was family versus family? She said, "why did you call me out of my room?"

She was done.

He is planning on coming, I think, for a dress rehearsal.

Is it wrong of me? That I am upset that he may end up coming through? After blowing things off, and causing so much unhappiness? That he can always manage to have his cake and eat it too? (well, other than the fact that, you know, we got divorced. But he got a new cake.)

half of me wants the kids to see him, and all of the reasons why I'm not with him. The other half still wants to protect all of them from all of them.

*I don't like this name for him, b/c for the girls, he's not an "ex" - he's current.

Labels: ex-relations, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 10:03 PM 1 comments

Saturday, March 10, 2007

more ex-husband nonsense

The girls have a play coming up. They do tend to be in a lot of plays, what with their extra-curricular theater doohickey AND the annual school play. Last year's school play was their first, because I hadn't signed them up for the extra stuff yet. It was a big deal to them both. Their father came, my parents came, my brother came.

Now this year, they're involved in the extra-acting thing, and their father is closer for the academic year. He's come a few times for those plays, too.

Now the school play is coming around again, and E is not cast in 3 bit parts with no lines like she was last year. Now she shows the signs of someone who's been in 4 productions in a single year, and landed herself a very good role for a 5th grader. She's very excited, and proud. We told her father the dates of the play back in November, and have reiterated it at least 3 times.

I had emailed him on Friday to try and work out the weekend plans, since E wants to do things with her friends as well as with my parents, and yet it's important that she spend time with her father when she can. He responded that he didn't know yet, and he'd "let me know." I responded back that I am more than willing to give him first priority with the girls' time, but I'm not holding the weekend open forever, and I need to know by the end of this weekend. I was nice, though, and did not cause an argument.

He responded with a general idea of what he'd like to do, which was fine.

30 minutes later, he e-mailed again.

He forgot about a meeting.

The same day as the play.

He's not coming.

He wants to know how E will "take it."

What am I supposed to say?

"She will absolutely remember this forever, just as she'll forever remember that you didn't tell her that you were getting married, or that you did get married, or include her in the process."

Or, perhaps, "Well, every time we talk about her relationship with you, she brings up the fact that you never listen to her, and that you treat her like a baby, but perhaps this will replace that script?"

I could always aim to lessen the strength, "oh, don't worry, it's such a busy weekend, she won't have time to be upset. It will be fine."

Which is probably true. Until she gets pissed off at him for something, and then the first option will kick in.

Ugh.

Beloved said he thinks we should take away the ex's cell phone. Clearly, he hasn't proved his responsibility.

Labels: ex-relations

posted by Zuska @ 9:50 PM 0 comments

Monday, February 19, 2007

Home, for the most part.

Beloved and I are home. I would say that the weekend went really well. I got along with everyone, I did not over-imbibe, as I did last time, and all the kids had a blast with their cousins and aunts and uncles.

The girls aren't here, though :( I always feel sad when they're first not with me. Fortunately for my summers, it eventually is something I come to terms with when it's for a long period. Tonight, however, I have a pretty lousy feeling in my gut. It didn't help that J. was in tears upon saying goodbye to me. She doesn't usually do that. But we do usually have more time to focus on the fact that they're leaving. We didn't have that chance today, because we were saying goodbye to my sister and my parents and and and .... general chaos was present. It was so sad to see her face crumbling on the other side of her father's car door. I went to give her a final hug goodbye, and she had tears just spilling over. It was very sad. He assured me later that she was fine within a couple of minutes. I am certain that is true - it's just saying goodbye that's hard - not being with him.

It was also hard saying bye to E. We had spent a good part of the weekend looking at some new books we bought for her --- "My Body, Myself, for Girls" ooooh yeah. We also bought little training bras ... not that she necessarily needs them, but she's getting ready for when she does. Her friends told her that having to protect new little body parts AND having to get used to new articles of clothing all at once is quite hard.

Of course, she won't be dealing with this stuff with the ex. She begged me not to tell him about any of it. I already had ... to prepare him and so that he doesn't make some "joking" comment. I didn't tell her that I told him, though.

Sigh.

Labels: ex-relations, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 9:20 PM 0 comments

Monday, January 22, 2007

This is how things would be, even if we were still married

Some may remember that there was some conflict with me, my ex, and the girls over holiday travel plans. In the end, it worked out okay, and the arguments and disagreements were kept to a minimum. (Quick recap - he wanted the girls for a couple of days - I said yes before I talked to the girls - the girls were upset, didn't want to go - major negotiations had to be had and interference run b/t e. and the ex, the girls then begrudgingly agreed to travel, the ex then, weeks later, insisted I pay for the trip, which I refused to do, and eventually, due to finances and lack of time for too much travel, they did not go).

When that trip was canceled, he said he would come here to visit them the weekend after New Years. He "forgot" and stayed in the south through that weekend. He said he wanted to come the next weekend, but his friends that he stays with were leaving town, so he couldn't. Now he's decided to come this coming weekend. Remember, to see the girls. Right?

I will be honest - I was hoping for some kid-free time when he's here. I was hoping the girls could stay with his friends, too - they know them well, the friends have kids the girls know and like. I am wanting to go out with Beloved. I want to go to the movies. I would see 2, or 3, or 4 if I could. There are a lot of movies out that I haven't seen, and I want to.

Hoping for, but not expecting. The lack of kid-free time is not the only reason for my complaining (again)

But why would he drive 10 hours in one weekend to spend approximately 3 hours with the kids?

Why wouldn't he WANT to spend more time with the kids?

He is coming in "mid to late afternoon" on Saturday, and said he plans to take the girls "for a few hours, until dinner time" (so, from 3-6 ). And that he "hopes" he can see them for a quick visit on Sunday as well. Other times that he's come for the weekend (plays and such), he doesn't come to visit until noon or one on Sundays. Is setting an alarm such an inconvenience? I mean, come on!!

I really don't get it.

Just like I don't understand how he can go 2 weeks without calling them. Sometimes a month. When they are gone in the summertime, I have a twice weekly schedule that I follow - I call them on Mondays and Thursdays. Oftentimes, they call me for other reasons between those phone dates. Once I made the mistake of thinking that since e. called me on a Monday afternoon, and I spoke to both kids, I didn't need to call back that evening, and they called me upset that I blew off our phone date.

Sometimes, when they're gone and we're following our phone schedule, we really just say "hi, how are you, I love you" and that's it. Other times, we talk for an hour.

But I can't imagine not talking to them for 2 weeks.

Also, I really really really wanted a chance to go to a movie, and not worry about the time and such. I'm still going to try and squeeze it in on Saturday afternoon, but it's a delicate dance. I have to try and make it happen around him, b/c if I let him know that I'm trying to do something, he'll purposefully be late coming to get the girls, or early dropping them off, just to thwart my plans. Because he will be indignant, thinking I am using him as a "babysitter."

Labels: ex-relations

posted by Zuska @ 8:45 AM 0 comments

Saturday, December 16, 2006

grumbling

My ex mother in law really irritates me. (duh?) She did before she was my ex mother in law - she did before she was my mother in law. Really, she's an irritating woman. through and through. The girls love her, though, of course, and she's very good to them.

HOWEVER, every time a holiday comes up for the girls, she says, "did they get my cards? did they get the package I sent them?" The answer is, 7 out of 10 times - no.

This has happened with whatever house I live in. This happened when I was in California, and it is happening now. I feel like she's accusing me of taking the stuff out of the mail and throwing it away so the girls can't have it - but I'm not. These things are honestly not coming.

I believe she isn't sending them. I think that she is forgetting, or purposefully not sending, just so she can make these veiled accusations.

As I have said to her - we NEVER have trouble with receiving mail. Never. Unless she says "Did the girls get my Valentine's Day Cards?" Or "Did the girls get my Christmas card?"

We got the card from her daughter yesterday, and I told them that we received it.

Okay, grumble over.

Labels: ex-relations

posted by Zuska @ 1:25 PM 0 comments

Sunday, December 03, 2006

utter and total chaos

My parents slept here last night, and the ex was supposed to come at noon to pick the girls up. At around 11, things went from being a relatively mellow time of eating breakfast and chatting to UTTER CHAOS.

We watched a DVD of j.'s last play, and it was too loud, and I came out of the shower to everyone shouting different instructions/requests at me, and that was just the beginning of the end.

I felt like if I could only hold things together until noon when the ex was due to show, it would be okay - the girls would go, my parents would follow shortly after, and I would have 3 hours to chill before heading to the play.

But the ex called that he was "all turned around" and didn't know where he was. So I had to look up his location on the map, and head him toward the right town. He called at least 3 more times after that to get the next step of instructions.

When the girls are waiting like that, they don't do well. They were hungry, they were impatient, and they were WIRED.

My dad chose that moment to hand them CANDY BARS. Ugh. I told them they could not eat them, because they were on their way to lunch with their dad. j. argued with me, which she's prone to do lately (her one flaw ... well, other than inciting her sister), and I, in my reduced patience state, "spoke using strong words":

Do not argue with me. We have been talking about this for weeks. I did not tell you that you can't have the candy bar just because I felt like it, and all the begging in the world is not going to change my mind. You are on the way to LUNCH. You may not eat the candy bar before lunch. If you would like, you can take it with you and eat it after lunch, but you are NOT eating it now, and if you continue to argue with me, I will take it away, and you will NEVER eat it.

She acted as if I killed her puppy. She pouted and "froze up" - wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't acknowledge my existence. I think she was just embarassed that I 'reprimanded' her in front of my parents - but I was not mean to her, and I was RIGHT. So there.

Finally, the ex showed up. I was able to usher my little angels out the door.

Thank God.

My parents left shortly after, and I had about an hour and a half to sit and watch football (Patriots are winning by a hair), and now it's just about time to head back out to today's performance. We also have plans to go to dinner with friends after.

I think I don't feel so well, or something. I feel so "off" and I can't imagine enjoying dinner out. Perhaps the walk to the play will help clear my head, and all will be well by the time the play starts.

Labels: ex-relations, kids, mom, parent, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 2:02 PM 0 comments

Saturday, December 02, 2006

That's my girl!!

J. was the lead in a play tonight. She was *so cute* and did *so well* and is just such a great kid. She tried so hard and practiced so much, and deserved her (first) night in the spotlight.

The Ex came, with his wife. They got here early and called to say that they wanted to come get the girls. I said they couldn't have j., b/c she had to eat and get to the play, and they couldn't take her, but I let them have e. They came inside, and saw the girls' room. My parents were here. It was awkward, to say the least. They (parents) decided to leave and go get me some Allagash Tripel. Mmmm. Allagash Tripel.

The Ex and his wife were both very civil, and his wife even got a little cozier and chattier with me.

I wonder if it makes her worry or ask hersef questions? As she sees that I have no horns and I am not the devil ... why, then, am I no longer with her husband?

BECAUSE HE'S AN ASS!! RUN, WOMAN, RUN!! BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM!!

And he keeps insisting on growing his hair, and keeping a goatee, and he looks kinda (or really) bad.

I still find no flaws with his wife (other than her taste in men).

The play went great, and then my parents and my kids and my beloved and i went out for our "bday dinner" - although we chose a restaurant we knew my parents would be happy with, not one that we would have gone to on our own. The food wasn't bad, though.

Came home, ate cake (yummy carrot cake with cream cheese frosting made my mom), ushered kids to bed, and now am in bed, tired as hell for 10:56 p.m. I'm usually fine to continue for some time. But parents and ex's and plays just suck the life out of me.

So I'm going to bed. Soon. Very soon.

With my new ear plugs. Which may very well be the things that save my marriage before it starts ;)

Labels: ex-relations, kids

posted by Zuska @ 10:49 PM 1 comments

Friday, December 01, 2006

Update

well, i heard back from the ex --- he said that he wanted me to know that he was having some second thoughts on the idea of the kids traveling south over the Christmas holiday - and civilly asked about their spring vacations and what we may choose to do then.

i think this is the first time i didn't cave on something he was demanding of me.

Labels: ex-relations, kids

posted by Zuska @ 10:13 PM 2 comments

Strife and Guilt and Manipulation and Guilt

Here is an illustration in the kind of crap I often get from my ex:

We have an agreement that sets forth custody and vistation with the girls. It was written when I lived in CA, and he already lived elsewhere (far away elsewhere). It is written with the girls' school schedule in CA, and not here. Their school schedule was different then - they got 2 weeks off at Christmas, and only one spring break. Now they have one week off at Christmas, and then one spring break in February, and one in April. The agreement, however, says that we alternate years with both Christmas and Thanksgiving. Pretty typical. It *used to be* that when the girls were with me for Christmas, they still had another week off, and went to his home for a week. But the year we moved here, I had the girls for Christmas, they had one week off, and I had them for the whole week. He had Thanksgiving that year, and it was actually the first year he took them for Thanksgiving (he had given it up twice). Becuase of the travel involved, they took the whole Thanksgiving week off from school in 2004. He never brought that up this year.

So, this is my year for Christmas. he asked me, probably in September, if I would be willing for them to spend a couple of days with him and his parents in Florida. I thought it over, considered that Christmas itself is on a Monday, that I'm on co-op and may not have the week off, and that we had really anticipated the girls getting to spend extra time with him this year, since he's living closer. And I said yes.

He then told me that he was going to be flying them to a sunny locale in the U.S. where his parents live. I said, "oh, the girls will like that" and I also said, "I am not willing to pay half of their tickets, though, b/c this is actually my year to have them." (It is also in our agreement that for these visits that he has according to the order, we split travel costs 50/50.) He didn't respond to that statement immediately, but later told me that his mother was going to buy the girls' tickets.

But when I told the girls about the trip, they LOST IT. They didn't want to go. They cried, they complained, they refused. They said this was their year to be with US, and they didn't want to go, and they're sick of traveling during all their I didn't know what to do, b/c I had already told him yes, I did not anticipate that they would act this way.

So there was drama, and tears, and talks, and eventually, they decided they would go.

And then it came about that airline prices are SO HIGH this year. My sis probably can't come from CA, and the ex hasn't been able to find decent priced tickets for the girls. He told them that, and they took it to mean they weren't going. They did a dance. They giggled and smiled. When I later said he was still looking for better prices, they reverted to the same refusal to go, the proclamations that they would run away on the day of the flight (and return before bed) and so on.

Today I asked him for a definitive answer - are they going or not? Because if not, I'm going to have to work out either time off from work, or childcare for the days that Beloved has to work - or something.

His response? "remind me again your position on splitting the cost for the girls' travel for this holiday?"

So I did. I said, "I'm unwilling to split the cost" (especially since tickets are $600/each right now!! I don't have $600!! I'm in LAW SCHOOL - and that is the equivalent of what he pays each month in child support)

He said "well, our agreement says you have to split all travel costs, and it seems even more reasonable, since they didn't have to fly anywhere for Thanksgiving."

I had to clarify- our agreement doesn't say "all travel" and if he wants to interpret it that way, then he's shooting himself in the foot, b/c if I have to answer every request of whether or not he can have extra time with the girls with a financial consideration, he's going to get more negative responses than if it was merely a consideration of whether I'm willing to go outside the agreement (which I am, and have demonstrated time and time again).

I also pointed out that since he's planning on traveling 4x the distance from my home to his, even if it WERE his time with the girls, I would protest me paying that much in airfare.

He responded:

Ok. The girls and I won't be able to see each other this holiday season. I give you the choice of which of us should explain this outcome to [the girls]. I think they are owed an explanation. I am a bit surprised at your intractability on this issue.

Which is pretty typical.

My (internal) response to this?

"crap, now i'm being unreasonable, should i just pay the $$? I don't want to be unreasonable."

But I do not think I'm being unreasonable. I also feel 100% sure that his mother will pay "his" 1/2 of the tickets, and I will be paying my half. This isn't his time with them. If he's getting that favor from me, why do I have to feel unreasonable for not doing a second favor in paying for the trip?

Furthermore, THE GIRLS DON'T WANT TO GO!!! I am too kind to say that to him, but when they find out it's a sure thing that they're not going, they're going to be relieved. They're not going to feel that they're "owed an explanation." They're gonna do a happy dance. He has to know that, though. E. told me that he brought the trip up over Thanksgiving (asking if they still want to go), and they just "said nothing" and he changed the subject quickly. Since he's "given me the choice" I should just let him tell them that they can't go, and he'll have no choice but to confront the reality of the situation.*

And I hate that he will present it to his mother (and the entire extended family down there) as him not being able to have time with the girls, and them all not being able to see the girls, b/c I was unreasonable and intractable. Because I refused to pay even my measley portion of the girls' airfare.

* It's really not that they don't want to spend time with him. They're glad he's coming for the play this weekend, they're glad to see him every time they do. They just do not like to travel, and do not like spending time at his house so much, b/c he works a lot, and they have little to do. As it turns out, even, they're all up on popular culture in ways I had no idea. At my house, they watch silent films, musicals, and an ocassional travel show. They don't ask for more, complain that they don't get to watch any particular shows, or show any unhappiness with our lack of popular culture television and movies. The other night, though, we watched an American Girl Doll movie on the Disney Channel, and they knew all the shows, characters, everything - including this High School Musical movie and games and stuff. It was very weird to me.

My POINT was - it's not that they don't like him, or don't want to spend time with him. When he comes to Boston, and spends time with them here, they're very, very happy.

Labels: ex-relations, holidays, kids, travel

posted by Zuska @ 11:18 AM 1 comments

Sunday, November 26, 2006

why there were only 14 items

last night, at my parents' house, my brother and his wife decided that my children, my parents, and i were worthy enough to be graced with 2 entire hours of their time. that in and of itself was amazing, and i am not sure it has EVER happened before. he lives literally around the corner from my parents, and rarely ever has time to see them .... unless he needs money or some other favor. several times my family has come from the Boston area, and he has been "too busy" to come by and say hello. or he'll come in the house to ask my father something, and then leave without saying a word to me or mine.

but last night, he was there.

the girls were coming from the place that their father is living this year, but they had gotten stuck in traffic. so us adults (brother, mother, father, sister-in-law and myself -- beloved had stayed in boston this time) had dinner while we waited for the phone call that i was to go meet the schlurg.

my brother started discussing a cousin of ours, who just left her husband for the 2nd time, and hopefully for good (yes, those of us who share blood make bad choices for first husbands, what can i say???). my brother started going on and on about how we needed to call her and to go see her, b/c she is our *family* and it's so important to support our *family.* he truly would not quit. my mother was kind of poo-pooing him, and my father was oddly silent (oddly b/c it seemed as though my brother's tirade was actually focused at my father, sort of reprimanding him for not calling my cousin already, and telling him all the reasons why he should).

the phone then rang, and it was time to make the 5 minute drive to go meet my ex and get my kids.

my dad came with me.

this is also odd - my dad has many many many feelings of dislike - even hatred - for my ex. why would he choose to come and be in close proximity? i am in zero danger from my ex - we didn't have that kind of marriage. so why is he coming?

we got in the car:

Me: man, i love the way my brother is so concerned about supporting family now. where the hell was he with all his phone calls and "support" when i left my ex? or when [sis] left hers?

Dad: nowhere, that's where he was. and he's not interested in family now, all he wants is a reason to get in a fight.

Me: i think he likes the romantic notion of being a chivalrous cousin.

Dad: he doesn't give a shit about family when it's about speaking to your mother like she's a human being, or about spending some time with your parents who live around the corner from him. i'm telling you - he wants to get in a fight.

apparently - my cousin's husband is believed to have been abusive. no one really knows, though. apparently, also, my brother has already said that he and my father should show up at the husband's door and "beat the shit out of him." my father, apparently, thinks my brother is pretty much an ass, and would rather find a way to crawl under a rock and claim that, despite the fact that they have the same name, my brother is not his son.

then i got my kids. we came back. the girls were sitting next to me, eating their dinner. my brother was sitting across from me.

brother: so where is [ex] working right now?

me: [place closer than he used to be]

brother: so is he teaching there?

me: no, he has a research fellowship.

brother: [snort, laugh, guffaw] a research fellowship? what the fuck is that? it sounds gay. how gay is that? jeez, that's gay.

me: [brother], do not say that - this is inappropriate.

brother: no it's not inappropriate - that's gay. what a gay job. he is so fucking gay.

me: you need to shut up [also making faces and hand motions toward the girls - at which he laughed].

brother: well, it is gay, and you know it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

my KIDS!!! i *never ever ever ever ever* talk negatively about their father.

i also *never ever ever ever ever* talk negatively about homosexuality - b/c here, to my brother gay=stupid. it has nothing to do with homosexuality. apparently, it's just this random insult which he feels is appropriate.

my kids don't know it that way though. they were confused as to why their uncle thinks their father is gay, since they know he is a man who is married to a woman shortly after dating another woman, shortly after being married to another woman, who is their mother.

i needed to go back over the issue with the girls later:

"remember all the times i've talked about how obnoxious your uncle is? well, this is an example of that, and has nothing to do with your father. your father has a very good job, and it's something to be proud of. also, when your uncle says "gay" - he does not mean "gay" - he means "stupid." It is wrong of your uncle to use that word in that way, it is not stupid to be gay, and using one word for the other is disrespectful and hateful toward those who are gay."

j. was very sad and had tears in her eyes, and e. shrugged and said, "yeah, i know" and left.

my brother is having a baby!!! how can this be? how can his wife DO this?

oh, and the final irritating thing, him and his wife sitting at the table (before the kids got there), blatantly making fun of me for being a lawyer, and talking about me in the third person in condescending and fucking obnoxious ways. his wife is not the mean bully that my brother is, but she's made out of nothing but surface-stuff, and she has little of substance to add to any conversation.

my brother went from talking about my cousin (or something else) to looking at me and saying, "that's a nice sweater. you look like a lawyer" (with a weird baby-talk tone). his wife says, "oh, i know, doesn't she look so good? i love her haircut, and that is such a nice sweater she's wearing" (she was sitting 2 feet from me). my brother went on and on about how even though i haven't graduated law school, i'm still a "lawyer" to him.

asshole.

Labels: brother, ex-relations, family, holidays, kids

posted by Zuska @ 2:51 PM 4 comments

Thursday, November 23, 2006

the kids are safe and sound, elsewhere

beloved and i had dinner with my parents last night. it was 100% the best meal we've had with them EVER, i think. my father was not offensive, my mother was not annoying. she only used ONE cliche. she was talking about my hair, and said, "yeah, it's short for a minute, but it grows so fast, just wait a minute, and it will be long again. just like the weather in new england, if you don't like it, just wait a minute."

i have complained many a time that EVERY REGION in this country (except, perhaps, the southwest desert regions) uses that cliche. "you know what they say in Alabama, if you don't like the weather, just wait a minute." "you know what they said in Virginia, if you don't like weather, just wait a minute." "well, you know we have a saying here in Florida, if you don't like the weather, just wait a minute."

but otherwise, we had good conversations and a good time. the food truly was fantastic, too.

schlurg and i were both late, though. 2+ hours late. yes, we had *that* much traffic. beloved and i arrived at our meeting spot at 5:45 (the meeting time was 4), and the schlurg was about 20 minutes away. he then got off the exit, but had forgotten my directions at home, and didn't know his way around the city streets. he was angry at me for "not helping." but i don't live in that town, that state --- i don't know my way around the city streets.

jesus, hasn't he ever heard of mapquest? hasn't he ever thoguht about taking care of his own damned self?

but it was truly fine, and not an issue.

the girls were, as usual, very good in the car. they both listened to their ipods for a while - but j. got sick of it, and started to play around, and made my fingers dance to the music on the radio, but e. listened to a book on tape on her pod, and fell asleep to it, for a couple of hours. considering that the drive was twice as long as it should have been - they were great.

as i had said, my mom did not understand my desire for later dinner reservations. since we were meeting the ex at 4, she thought we should have 5:00 reservations. guess what? when my dad and i drove by the restaurant on the way to meet hte schlurg at the location which he was lost, we dropped beloved and mom off at the restaurant to get the table - it was 6:29. dad and i got there at 6:40.

our dinner was at a relatively posh italian restaurant. man, my parents have changed since i was little. this restuarant was Summer Associate quality. and my parents ordered 4 courses. which is one more than Summer Associate stuff. we had 2 appetizers for the table, then a soup/salad course. we shared a lot of stuff, which was very cool, and since i was still incredibly full, a very good idea.

very yummy.

the traffic on the way back was lighter than light, and we had a quick drive, and got home at .... uh .... 11:30.

next post: today's menu and my list of thankfuls.

Labels: ex-relations, family, food, holidays, mom

posted by Zuska @ 10:16 AM 1 comments

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