I slept HORRIBLY last night. Just horribly. I cannot think of a reason why - it felt like insomnia, through and through. I had nothing on my mind. I had gotten up at a reasonable hour yesterday a.m. I had a slight stomachache, which may have had something to do with it. I ended up going out onto the couch - just hoping that a change of venue would help.

I remember when I was a kid (teen) and had trouble sleeping now and again, I would switch my head to the foot of my bed, b/c sometimes, just a break in the tossing and turning in the same damn spot helped. I can't really do that when sharing a bed with another adult. So I went out to the couch. Where I don't sleep well in general ... but at least I slept at all.

Beloved and I keep having to re-write our plans for the whole knot-tying event. This is its third version, I believe? I had to cry uncle, financially, on a trip to Niagara. Kids are expensive, ex's who don't pay child support on time increase the burden, and I just don't see us having an extra THOUSAND dollars (at the very least ... that's just the hotel and airfare) to go to Niagara Falls in a month.

So now we're hoping to go back to our first date - February 2 - and go to Cape Cod to have a Justice of the Peace do it for us. Kids will still come, we will drive instead of fly, and perhaps stay one night, rather than two. Details have yet to be worked out, though. Stay tuned.

This offends my mother. The idea of Beloved and I going and getting married elsewhere without fanfare or, most importantly, guests. In some ways, I feel badly for her. I know she wants to be included, and I'm sure it's hard for her that she can't be. But I don't feel that I need to include her. And I'm not going to. My mother has an increasing habit of taking things over. Of deciding what "needs" to be done, when in fact, it is only a statement of her own preferences. Furthermore, I am not interested in her disapproval of the fact that our ceremony will have not a single DROP of god in it.

She's actually already made it known what I "need" to be doing - I "need" to go to my home town (where she lives) and get married at the park near the house, by a waterfall:

what? didn't I say I wanted to get married near a water fall? Oh, I guess I forgot to say I meant this:

A wee bit of a difference, no?

And I "need" to be married by her pastor (ex soap opera star gone born-again), and I "need" to have a party with all of her brothers, sisters, wives, husbands and kids afterward.

My mom has lost track of my "needs" over time, and somehow morphed them into her own.

Almost as frustrating as her declarations that I "need" a house with a study, 5 bedrooms, and 15 closets. Oh, and a yard. I am just as quick to say that I am sick and tired of my small space, and of my kids sharing a room, and of not having anywhere to put my 10,000 pairs or shoes or 5,000 bags. But I understand that what I *need* is a place that my family and I are comfortable, that we are warm, and safe, and happy. We need beds, and we need food. We have all those things. I WANT a bigger home. I don't NEED one.

Now I feel bad for complaining about my Mom. I am probably being ultra-defensive, knowing that it hurts her feelings that we ARE doing this wedding-thing on our own. She did make comments as to who would be our witness -- to the ceremony -- "some stranger off the street?"
I'm probably also very sensitive to the fact that this entire situation highlights the ideological differences between my parents and myself. That's what makes me so sure that I do want to do it on our own. I don't want our vows to become something that makes people all weepy, or that people throw confetti at. It's not how I see this. It's not a giant validation of my relationship "in the eyes of the Lord" as it will be to my mother/parents. I don't want to have people sighing in relief that their daughter is no longer "living in sin" and that their granddaughters are no longer being given the world's vilest example.

I also feel that my mom will probably stumble across the blog eventually, and I really don't want to be unfair to her. She really has been quite supportive of Beloved and I - both my parents have been - despite the fact that they do not understand our decisions and way of thinking. They have been very accepting of him and our relationship as it is. They know that they do not have the experiences that I do (i.e., failed marriage and divorce), and I think they've tried very hard.

I guess it just comes down to a recognition that I feel guilty, but not enough to change my plans or my mind.

Labels: mom, wedding

posted by Zuska @ 9:01 AM 1 comments

Sunday, December 03, 2006

utter and total chaos

My parents slept here last night, and the ex was supposed to come at noon to pick the girls up. At around 11, things went from being a relatively mellow time of eating breakfast and chatting to UTTER CHAOS.

We watched a DVD of j.'s last play, and it was too loud, and I came out of the shower to everyone shouting different instructions/requests at me, and that was just the beginning of the end.

I felt like if I could only hold things together until noon when the ex was due to show, it would be okay - the girls would go, my parents would follow shortly after, and I would have 3 hours to chill before heading to the play.

But the ex called that he was "all turned around" and didn't know where he was. So I had to look up his location on the map, and head him toward the right town. He called at least 3 more times after that to get the next step of instructions.

When the girls are waiting like that, they don't do well. They were hungry, they were impatient, and they were WIRED.

My dad chose that moment to hand them CANDY BARS. Ugh. I told them they could not eat them, because they were on their way to lunch with their dad. j. argued with me, which she's prone to do lately (her one flaw ... well, other than inciting her sister), and I, in my reduced patience state, "spoke using strong words":

Do not argue with me. We have been talking about this for weeks. I did not tell you that you can't have the candy bar just because I felt like it, and all the begging in the world is not going to change my mind. You are on the way to LUNCH. You may not eat the candy bar before lunch. If you would like, you can take it with you and eat it after lunch, but you are NOT eating it now, and if you continue to argue with me, I will take it away, and you will NEVER eat it.

She acted as if I killed her puppy. She pouted and "froze up" - wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't acknowledge my existence. I think she was just embarassed that I 'reprimanded' her in front of my parents - but I was not mean to her, and I was RIGHT. So there.

Finally, the ex showed up. I was able to usher my little angels out the door.

Thank God.

My parents left shortly after, and I had about an hour and a half to sit and watch football (Patriots are winning by a hair), and now it's just about time to head back out to today's performance. We also have plans to go to dinner with friends after.

I think I don't feel so well, or something. I feel so "off" and I can't imagine enjoying dinner out. Perhaps the walk to the play will help clear my head, and all will be well by the time the play starts.

Labels: ex-relations, kids, mom, parent, parenting

posted by Zuska @ 2:02 PM 0 comments

Thursday, November 23, 2006

the kids are safe and sound, elsewhere

beloved and i had dinner with my parents last night. it was 100% the best meal we've had with them EVER, i think. my father was not offensive, my mother was not annoying. she only used ONE cliche. she was talking about my hair, and said, "yeah, it's short for a minute, but it grows so fast, just wait a minute, and it will be long again. just like the weather in new england, if you don't like it, just wait a minute."

i have complained many a time that EVERY REGION in this country (except, perhaps, the southwest desert regions) uses that cliche. "you know what they say in Alabama, if you don't like the weather, just wait a minute." "you know what they said in Virginia, if you don't like weather, just wait a minute." "well, you know we have a saying here in Florida, if you don't like the weather, just wait a minute."

but otherwise, we had good conversations and a good time. the food truly was fantastic, too.

schlurg and i were both late, though. 2+ hours late. yes, we had *that* much traffic. beloved and i arrived at our meeting spot at 5:45 (the meeting time was 4), and the schlurg was about 20 minutes away. he then got off the exit, but had forgotten my directions at home, and didn't know his way around the city streets. he was angry at me for "not helping." but i don't live in that town, that state --- i don't know my way around the city streets.

jesus, hasn't he ever heard of mapquest? hasn't he ever thoguht about taking care of his own damned self?

but it was truly fine, and not an issue.

the girls were, as usual, very good in the car. they both listened to their ipods for a while - but j. got sick of it, and started to play around, and made my fingers dance to the music on the radio, but e. listened to a book on tape on her pod, and fell asleep to it, for a couple of hours. considering that the drive was twice as long as it should have been - they were great.

as i had said, my mom did not understand my desire for later dinner reservations. since we were meeting the ex at 4, she thought we should have 5:00 reservations. guess what? when my dad and i drove by the restaurant on the way to meet hte schlurg at the location which he was lost, we dropped beloved and mom off at the restaurant to get the table - it was 6:29. dad and i got there at 6:40.

our dinner was at a relatively posh italian restaurant. man, my parents have changed since i was little. this restuarant was Summer Associate quality. and my parents ordered 4 courses. which is one more than Summer Associate stuff. we had 2 appetizers for the table, then a soup/salad course. we shared a lot of stuff, which was very cool, and since i was still incredibly full, a very good idea.

very yummy.

the traffic on the way back was lighter than light, and we had a quick drive, and got home at .... uh .... 11:30.

next post: today's menu and my list of thankfuls.

Labels: ex-relations, family, food, holidays, mom

posted by Zuska @ 10:16 AM 1 comments

Monday, November 06, 2006

disaster averted

on saturday, at e.'s play, a friend asked me if j. would be interested in going to the ballet with their family on friday night. she said something like, "since the kids have that day off anyway, maybe she can come over early."

wo! wait a minute. back up.

the kids have the day off?

Yeah, it's Remembrance Day, or whatever you all call it here (she's Canadian).

at the start of their school year, i was so good about going through and recording all 3 or 4 days off in October - but I missed Veteran's Day. I didn't go into November.

beloved works on friday.

and me?

i have my appeals argument.

at the court house.

in downtown.

it's my final in appellate advocacy.

oh shit. my friend kept wanting to talk about the ballet, and about how she thought about going on thursday, but since it was a school night, she decided to go for the friday, and then, ha ha! it turned out that thursday wasn't a school night!

while my head was spinning. crap! crap! crap!

but because my dad was in town, and the bed fell on beloved, and then we had the bday party emergency, and then the ex was in town ... i didn't think about it. until today.

first, i looked up the courthouse holiday schedule - i found it entirely possible that my "professor" fucked up, not realizing that it was a holiday. we're doing the arguments at the courthouse itself. but as it turns out, when certain holidays fall on a weekend, they're observed on the weekend for state employee purposes. this is one of those holidays.

then i called the girls' after-school program to make sure that 1) they weren't open, and 2) there wasn't a waiting list the length of the Charles River. They're closed on Friday, so I didn't have to worry about the waiting list issue. oooh, joy.

then i checked with a friend (the same one who alerted me to my irresponsibility) who just started working again herself. she'd told me that she is busy from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. that day, and her husband would be home with the kids, and he could keep mine, too. i really hate taking favors from others, so i left that as my last resort, but it became necessary for me to ask for the favor.

it's really not a favor. i have watched their kids on several ocassions when they were in a pinch, and was more than happy to do so. perhaps i should not have hesitated, and explored all other avenues first, but rather let them help out from the first offer on Saturday night. but it's not in my nature.

i remember when the girls were babies .... i had j. in a baby bjorn (one of the few ways i could keep her from crying), and e. was 21 months old, and wanted to go on the swing. perhaps j. was actually OUT of the bjorn, and in my arms. i was trying to pick e. up while j. was already in my arms, and lift e. high enough to get her feet in a little baby swing. It wasn't easy. i was, of course, alone. another mom on the playground came over and offered to help me, and i pretty much snapped at her that i could HANDLE it, no THANK YOU.

i think of that often. why was i always so fiercely determined that i could handle it on my own? why wouldn't i take a little help? just to let someone guide e.'s feet into the swing? i could have used the help. i got no reward afterward, for getting one kid in the swing without dropping the other on her head.

i am not as bad anymore as i was on the playground that day - but i always resist help. i always first try to handle it on my own - sometimes going to great lengths in the process. perhaps it's a good thing. but sometimes, it feels like i'm fighting others for no reason.

Labels: babysitter, childcare, kids, mom, parent, swings, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 8:22 PM 0 comments

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