Beloved and I head back to my parents' house today. We are getting the kidlets back tomorrow, and driving back here after we have dinner with my parents and my brother and his wife-who-is-about-to-pop, and who I'm liking a lot more lately. I think she is a little shy (or self-protective? or unsure of herself? or, perhaps, from what others say of me, she has been intimidated by me? some say I do that to people. It's not on purpose. I promise.) and that may be why it's been hard to get close.

But I reached out this past weekend, and I brought her some baby-presents, which included this kick ass diaper bag (yes, that is a diaper bag, despite its awesomeness), some baby books, a book for my brother, and some Allagash Tripel for my brother, which I introduced him to on Christmas Eve, and which he cannot get south of Massachusetts. And we had a nice talk, and she used the word "fuck." It makes me trust people more if they're willing to say "fuck" to me. Trust that the barriers are down, and they're being real. Which is funny, because there was a time in my life where I thought that saying fuck meant that the person speaking was a sinner and would go to hell unless they accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. Now I think it means someone is a real person. [pause over that.] Yep, seems accurate.

Anyway. I decided to "go slow" this a.m. I've been getting up at 7 or earlier every day this week, despite the girls' absence, and going to the gym, and doing my usual stuff. Today, however, I got up at 8:30, and then decided to "blog for a minute" which somehow turned into 2 hours (so far). I have my IP book sitting next to me here, and I mean to crack it open to do the reading for my 3:30 make up class. I am going to do that as soon as publish this rambling post. Then I will assess the time, and either a) get in the shower; or b) get on the bike (dirty) and go to the gym before class. I've been exercising 6 days a week, and if today's my day off, that's okay with me. It is also beautiful out, though, so I could consider running around the lake. Again, depending on the time. I also need to pack. That sort of tips the scales toward today being a day off.

Last Saturday a.m., I was at my parents' house, and I went for a jog in the country. In the year 2000, my ex and I lived separately - not because of marital strife - but b/c his academic career brought him to another country for 6+ months. The fact that this sort of thing is acceptable to him is probably 30% of the reason for our eventual divorce. The realizations that the time apart granted me is probably another 30%.

Anyway. While he was gone, I made it my mission to lose my baby weight. I couldn't afford a gym, b/c I had no husband and I was working part-time so I could be with my babies as much as possible (my mom also worked part-time, and together, we provided for their full-time care), so I ran around in the country. I lost a lot of weight, felt great, and enjoyed my time in the out of doors in hte early mornings before the birds woke up.

That is the route I took last Saturday a.m. It was FUN to revisit. And it's so different from running here in an urban setting. While I was running, I passed this bush. Out of a bush came a ..... creature. I honestly don't know what it was, but it ran out, practically ran OVER my shoe, all in a flurry, and then ran in a circle back to the bush. It was quick and furtive like a squirrell, but I thought I heard the flapping of wings, like a bird. A bird, however, would never have come that close to me. I think it was a bat. Which is scary, b/c if it bit me, I'd probably have rabies. But it didn't really touch me.

However, I YELLED. I was so scared! My heart was racing (and if it was racing beyond the speed it was already at due to running, I'm lucky I didn't just die of a heart attack!).

That would have never happened here.

I'm willing to see tomorrow a.m. if it will happen again.

______________________________

Last night, E called me at 10:15 p.m. She was missing me a lot, but sounded like she was having a really good time - her voice was up and happy, and I could tell she's okay. Some way into the conversation, however, she told me that J was crying, and her father was talking to her to try and figure out what was wrong. E said she thinks that J was missing me, and she was mad at her dad b/c they again watched CSI, scaring J out of her wits. That made E miss Beloved and I.

It was hard to put all of this together because she was using the ex's cell phone, and it doesn't work in his house. He has a land line, but they can't place outgoing calls from it (he's subletting), they can only receive. So I said I'd call the landline. She said I can't, b/c the ex was waiting for "an important business call." It was now 10:30. p.m. Hello? I said, "um, it's 10:30." She said, "yeah, I know, seems dumb." I dropped it. E then talked to Beloved, and then J talked to beloved, and then J wanted to talk to me. She couldn't understand me - I couldn't understand her - but I could tell that her voice was thin, and she was upset. She was being all "strong" and saying, "well, I can't understand you, so I guess I'll call you tomorrow." But she was fighting crying, I could tell.

I was so angry. I get angry at my ex kind of rarely. I'm just not emotionally invested in him. But he knew that the kids and I were struggling to hear one another, and he just didn't care. He kept insisting he was waiting for an "important business call" at 11 at night (by the time we hung up). I think he's an asshole.

(and i'm calling the kids now, so there).

Labels: ex-relations, exercise, kids, law school

posted by Zuska @ 11:01 AM

4 Comments:

At Friday, April 20, 2007 8:33:00 PM, googiebaba said…

I am really digging that diaper you bought your sister in law.
At Saturday, April 21, 2007 11:04:00 AM, LL said…

I second "googiebaba" - where did you get it? I'm currently searching for one myself!
At Saturday, April 21, 2007 11:50:00 AM, Zuska said…

I got it at a local boutique store near my home - it's made by "Skip Hop" and it's their "dash" model.

I loved the stripes, but then was 100% won over by the fact that it has this strap system where it can be worn as a messenger back, but it can also attach to stroller handles, which is the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Verra verra cool. [I'm not cocky at all]
At Sunday, April 22, 2007 4:44:00 AM, That Guy said…

I pretty much agree with you on the F word thing. However, I think it either means the barriers are down, or that the person just doesn't give a crap.