Yeah, I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

J's party went well. Beloved ran the tie-dye station, and he was utterly amazing. He used to teach art in high schools and middle schools, and it really showed. He was so organized, and prepared, and did a fantastic job. I was very impressed.

We ended up staying at our friends' house until after 10, and left J there. We had to make a bargain with her and her BFF that if they would not insist on sitting next to each other and having each other for partners the entire time (remember, it was a joint birthday party - our thinking was that if they were stuck to each other like glue, then it wouldn't be fun for the other kids, who would want to be with the "birthday girl"), then they could have a sleepover.

Honestly, that's not the kind of bargain I usually make with my kids. But I wasn't the only mom in the room or the situation. I usually say, "Either you be a good hostess and participate equally with all of your guests, or you will not only have no party next year, but you will also miss the other birthday parties that are coming up this year." Instead, she got a sleepover with her BFF. And more --- they're off getting manicures this morning! Geez. That's some birthday weekend!

The prep for the party, though, really took it out of me. We left there late last night, and got home with only E, who was upset about a movie she'd seen at a different friend's house that had to do with a father and child reconciling after years of a difficult relationship. She was upset that she doesn't think she can reconcile with her father ... that it's "impossible." That opened up a giant can of worms, and those worms grew to the size of the biggest snakes in the entire universe - not only the universe in reality, but the universe of all imaginations everywhere. Which means a lto of stuff got dredged up, and I ended up in bed at midnight, tossing and turning with angst over the situation.

I just f ind myself on hte verge of tears this morning. I woke up on Friday with a slight tweak in my back, along my left shoulder blade. IT wasn't too bad ... but then when I got in bed Friday night, I found it hurting a lot. It's an odd pain in that it hurts most when I'm lying down. I woke up on Saturday with severe pain, now on both sides of my spine, next to both shoulder blades, and a shitty night's sleep, b/c every time I turned my head or tried to roll over, the pain twinged.

Last night, it was worse, and this a.m., I'm having a hard time doing most normal tasks. Including moving my head or arms.

I also am awake to the realization that I should spend the entire day doing BarBri stuff, that I'm behind, and that it sucks.

I just feel like all the stress of the past 2 weeks is manifesting itself in my shoulders and my tear ducts, and I kind of want to hide under a rock and dissolve.

It probably doesn't help that waking at 7 with the little ones yesterday, and then at 8 to bring E to a make up cello lesson today resulted in no exercise this weekend. Sure, I could go for a run now, instead of studying for the bar exam. While unable to move my arms or my head. But I think I'm better off studying.

I was going to go to the library today to do my work, but J has a project due this week, and I'm supposed to help her with that, and I am not sure I can just disappear.

Groan moan groan cry ow.

Labels: bar prep, birthdays, exercise, family, health, stress, weekends, whining

posted by Zuska @ 11:29 AM 7 comments

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Lunches

My kids are packing their lunches for tomorrow. They've been eating "hot lunches" for most of the year ... this is okay with me because their school is one of the few in the state which has been making huge efforts at going organic/fresh/no bad stuff. We've had parent-events "catered" by the school cafeteria, and I'm telling you ... there are no toasty dogs.

The problem has turned out to be time. The kids have to wait in line if they get hot lunches. The line is kinda long. By the time they sit down to eat, it's almost time to return to class (they have recess first, starting this year). So in the past few weeks, E has been packing her own lunch. Now J has decided, "my big sister is smart, I will be like her, even though she's bossy, and annoying, and yells too much."

It's fun seeing them choose things. "Can I have some peanuts?" "Can I have some cashews?" "I would like a red pepper, is it okay if I slice this one?" "I don't really want juice, I'll bring my water bottle." "I'll take a banana, and a pear."

These are some healthy-eatin' kids. I am pleased with the choices they make.

Granted, if we had potato chips, chocolate chip cookies, and cans of coke in the fridge ... they'd likely think those were good ideas, too.

But we don't.

Labels: diet, food, health, kids

posted by Zuska @ 9:08 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

stranded

whimper whimper moan moan.

i don't feel good.

it hit me during my first class this a.m. i have chills, and i am hot, and i am nauseous, and i am dizzy.

and i'm on my bike.

i don't feel like riding home. i feel like just going to sleep. here. on the computer lab floor.

i'm waiting to see if it passes, and wondering if i should attempt the gym.

i would say --- not bloody likely --- not today.

we're getting a snow storm on thursday.

it's mid-april.

i remember, living in new england in previous years, that we often got our last push of snow during spring break, which was always around my brother's birthday, which is March 12th.

hello? mid-april?

and i skipped my morning class last thursday due to bad weather, and i really can't do it again. which means i need to wake super-early and get on the damned bus or train at 7 fucking o'clock in the morning.

i hate that.

i think i'm gonna go home. and read for tomorrow, and rest.

then i have to go to the grocery store. if i still feel like this - i'll be taking the bus there. i am making a greek salad for dinner. oh, the effort - it may kill me [sarcasm]. i plan to buy grilled chicken breasts from the prepared food section of whole foods.

yes, i am just that pathetic. and those plans were made before i got hit with whatever ails me.

Labels: food, health, weather

posted by Zuska @ 10:22 AM 0 comments

Friday, April 06, 2007

Regular, Purposed Exercise?

5th grade seems to be the first year that the elementary schools do a full-scale health analysis during gym of all the kids.

When I had E's parent-teacher conference the other day, E was most excited to find out what her "FitnessGram" said, because a friend of hers (a boy) was told that he was underweight, and needed to gain weight to be healthy. E wondered if the same would be the case for her, b/c she's pretty damned skinny. As it turns out, her FitnessGram was missing, and wasn't sent home until yesterday.

She is not underweight. She's in the healthy zone for everything. Of course.

This is the thing: it came with all these recommendations for minimum requirements of exercise and activity for the kids --- 5th graders. Okay - if it said, "play outdoors or actively in a gym for an hour a day" I wouldn't be perplexed. At all.

But it had requirements for strength training, and flexibility, and core exercises (like sit ups).

Huh?

She's 10. Am I supposed to set up some in home calisthetics and yoga classes now?

I know that she's active at recess and during her after school class - she plays soccer in the fall, [nothing in the winter], softball in the spring, and roller skates and swims like mad in the summer.

Is this not enough? Normal, every day kid activities?

I feel like pushing a 10 year old to exercise in a deliberate manner is almost the same as telling them to go on a diet to be "skinny" (which she is).

At the same time, I was never taught to put deliberate movement into my daily routine, and I think I've suffered for it.

It seems unusual to me, that a 10 year old should be having an exercise routine.

Any thoughts?

Labels: exercise, health, kids

posted by Zuska @ 10:14 AM 2 comments

Friday, March 09, 2007

Nice wrench, pretty wrench, relaxing wrench

I decided to leave my computer home a few times a week, rather than lugging it to school. Partly because I get sick of lugging it to school, and partly because I suck at self discipline* - which means if I have the computer, and an internet connection, I'm likely to spend more time hitting "refresh" on my email accounts than reading.

Today, sans computer, I was being pretty good, staying on track and remaining focused. I kept thinking of blog posts I wanted to write, but was relatively content to hold off until tonight to post.

I ran out to get some food, stopped by the computer lab to check my e-mail, and was working my way back up to my books when my cell phone rang in my pocket.

It was the school nurse - J. was in her office with a 102 fever. Yikes!!

I gobbled down less than half of my lunch, threw the rest away, threw some books into some bags, and hopped on the T.

Now we're home, and she's on the couch. The Tylenol kicked in, and she's relatively chatty (still has a 100.5 fever), and so I can't read. I should probably clean this damned disgusting house, but look at the opportunity? I can BLOG!! I can read blogs. I can lie on my couch. I can rest with my eyes shut.

*Hello, bar exam? What the HELL am I going to do???

Labels: health, housework, kids, law school

posted by Zuska @ 3:14 PM 1 comments

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Continuation of a Shitty Weekend

Any hopes I had of a better Sunday than Saturday were dashed at 9 a.m. when J. came into my room to say she was about to throw up. Which she did. Three times.

It's almost 1:30 now, and she says she feels completely better ... we're making her go slow with food. So far, toast and tea. I don't feel like we can do too much out and about with a pukey kid.

Which should mean that it's time for me to do laundry and clean my bedroom (one of the things that was on my list for my week off which I did NOT get to).

Labels: health, kids, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 1:15 PM 0 comments

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Shitty weekend

I am really not happy that a) I'm sick, and b) my uterus somehow found its way into a vice grip. E wants to know what a vice grip is. I tell her and she asks me why I'm wearing one. Proof that my child is too literal.

I only get cramps ocassionally. And severe cramps rarely. Of course they have to hit on a month that I'm also not feeling well. Just so that I can be extremely miserable on my last weekend off, instead of enjoying myself and doing fun things.

Next weekend, E. is in a spelling bee. We're trying to practice some this weekend, and already she's had improvement. She is a good speller, but she's not a meticulous person, in anything. The first attempts she had at spelling outloud showed that she was capable of skipping entire syllables. She is now being slower and more careful, and spelling accurately for the most part, and moreso on words that are her level.

I was frustrated on Wednesday, because after J.'s a.m. dentist appointment, I came home and spent the rest of the day reading. Spending a day reading left my brain feeling foggy and I felt agitated and grouchy. I didn't think it was supposed to be that way. Why can't I spend the day reading without negative side effects? Reading is a good thing, no?

I have my bookgroup on Thursday of this week, and I should probably go read the book (we picked a quicky this month, so it won't take long), but I already feel crappy enough, I don't want to add the gross-ness feeling of Wednesday onto my list of gripes.

Labels: health, weekends

posted by Zuska @ 1:18 PM 0 comments

Friday, March 02, 2007

My last day off

And I feel sick. Doesn't it figure? The sore throat hit at approximately 9:30 last night, as I was making muffins for J.'s family breakfast this morning. I muddled through the evening, and Beloved and I had some fun (yee ha!), but I woke up with pain in my throat several times in the night, and now my nose is stuffed up and I'm achy -- in my head and muscles.

not to mention, I have cramps. Of the menstrual variety.

I'm also rather beastly today - grumpy doesn't even begin to describe my attitude.

I feel bad because I made E. go to an extra-curricular thing she does in the morning - it's math-based, and she's done it all year. It starts at 7:30 (school starts at 8), which is the same time J.'s family breakfast started. E. really wanted to come to the breakfast, and I told her no - that she had a commitment to honor, and that she didn't need to be at the breakfast.

Then, at the breakfast, several of her friends were there (siblings of other kids in J.'s class) and were asking for her. At least one of them, I know, skipped the same extra curricular activity to be at the breakfast.

I felt like an ogre.

___________________

I was going to go to school today. I still haven't bought my books, because I still haven't solidified my schedule. So I was going to go to the library and look at the reserve copies to read my first assignments for Monday and Tuesday.

But now I don't feel good.

And these cramps ... I sort of wasn't prepared for that - and needed to go home.

It's also disgusting outside, and I was not about to go home, and then go back out. It's freezing cold and rainy. I didn't bring gloves, because it was supposed to be near 40, but the hand that was holding the umbrella fell off on the way home from frostbite.

So I'm home. And still grouchy.

I'll do the reading (or skimming) before class on Monday -- my first one is at noon. So I'll have time.

____________________________

An example of my grouchiness:

At the girls' school's auction last month, Beloved and I won a quilt made by J's class. We were bidding against at least one other parent in the class, but we won ($180 later). It is a beautiful quilt - they did a fantastic job. Each kid made a square, and then the teacher and a very talented mom sewed it together - the colors are vibrant, and it's really well made.

Earlier this week, J's teacher e-mailed Beloved and asked him if he could bring the item to the classroom for the breakfast so other families could see it, and so the room parent could take some photos so everyone could have a copy. He happily complied.

While we were there, a room parent (who I know and like!) approached me and said she forgot her camera. She asked that I let the quilt stay in the classroom all day, and then she'd bring her camera in the afternoon and take a picture at pick-up, and then J. could just bring it home with her.

I was so irritated.

I didn't want to leave my $180 quilt in the classroom all day. This was stupid of me. The thing hung in the classroom for at least a week before it was brought to the auction - what did I think the kids were going to do? Have a paintball game in the middle of the day? Have a sudden Norovirus outbreak, and projectile vomit all over the thing? I mean, really.
I didn't want my $180 quilt stuffed in J's backpack. She has like, markers and stuff. They could leak on it. She has knitting needles. They could poke a hole through it. She's prone to dropping and losing things. This was not stupid of me. However - I am picking J. and a friend up today, and so I told this person - "okay, but I will meet you in the classroom at 2, and I will bring it home then" But I was still irritated, because ...
I am bringing J and a friend home today right after school for a play date. If I have to wait for this person to get to the classroom, and then to take pictures, and then for polite chit-chat, then I'm never going to get home, and the girls don't have that much time together and I DO NOT FEEL GOOD!!!

Really, this was all stupid of me. It's not like me. I am a nice person. I love to help out, and I love to accommodate others. I like this woman - she is a kind, helpful, giving, unselfish person. I just hope she couldn't detect my crabbiness ... but I think she probably could. I didn't feel good, and I was 1/2 asleep, and my smiley face had somehow been left at home.

___________________________

Beloved and I decided to go out to breakfast after we left the breakfast. We decided it before we ate in the classroom and therefore did not eat in the classroom. We were 2/3s of the way to his work, and he was going to have over an hour to kill, and when he suggested we go and find some eggs (as opposed to bagels dumped out of a bag and about 700 other types of starch), I was game. It also meant coffee that didn't come from a box.

We went to a local Turkish restaurant which is really very yummy and serves breakfast all day. We know someone who is Turkish who ate there when in town, and she said it is absolutely authentic, and very good. Now I like it even better.

Yet, eggs are eggs. I got a cheese and onion omelet, and it was great. But just after I ate 1/2, all my food felt like a rock in my stomach (because have I mentioned? I don't feel good!) That was when Beloved and I discussed the day and he convinced me that me, my mopy-ness and grumpy-ness were better off at home than at school.

I didn't drink my coffee, either. Wanna know why? I ruined it. Since January, I've been on a "healthy eating" kick, and one aspect of that is a major cutback on sugar - including in coffee. I went from drinking peppermint mochas (god, the amount of calories in those things!) to plain old lattes with no syrups or sugars of any kind. Sometimes I drink regular drip coffee - again, with no sugar. I'm also absolutely opposed to fake sugar. I'd rather the calories than cancer, thankyouverymuch.

For some reason, this morning, I got my coffee, and went looking for sugar. Out of an old habit, I guess ... which is weird, because I thought the habit was gone. I suppose this is the first time I've sat at a table in a restaurant with a cup of coffee since I stopped using sugar ....

I found some sugar, and poured it in -- really poured it in. As I was watching the white stream I thought, "huh, that's a lot of sugar - CRAP!" I tried to drink it, but I couldn't. It was too sweet. It didn't even taste like coffee to me.

I see this as a victory. As a permanent change to a healthier Zuska. I am no longer depriving myself by not having sugar in my coffee. It is now just the way I like it.

After we left the breakfast place, I went to the bank to deposit my child support check, and then I went to Starbucks and got me my no-sugar-added latte. Mmmm.

Labels: health, kids, vacation, weather

posted by Zuska @ 9:44 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

my poor baby

Well, J. had her dentist appointment this a.m. My fears were unfounded - the dentist in the middle of the country did NOT pull a good tooth. It's in there. Way up there.

The dentist today said since it seems like it's been up there for a long time (her other front tooth has been in for 1.5 yeras, at least), it will likely NOT come down on its own - even if we do move the tooth below it out of the way.

He explained adult teeth coming in like a rocket taking off -- when it's ready, it has the energy to come down - but if something's blocking it, the energy is just wasted, and there is no re-fueling.

So it will need to be pulled down.

How? You may ask?

Well, my poor, sweet little girl will need her gum sliced open, and will need to have a braces bracket put on her tooth that is currently way up high in the gum, and it will need to be pulled down that way.

I don't understand.

Will her gum STAY sliced open? Will they close it again? With the braces on it?

Tomorrow is the orthodontic consultation - many strings were pulled to get it for tomorrow instead of June 6. I made the appointment for 1 p.m., so J. and I could get back to school in time for the play practice that she has and that I'm volunteering at.

Then I got home, and Beloved reminded me that she has a field trip tomorrow. That she's been looking forward to for a long time. If I pick her up at noon to get to a 1 p.m. appointment - well, she'd have to miss the field trip.

The child is going through too much right now to miss her a field trip on top of it.

So I called and changed the appointment to 3 p.m., and we're both missing play practice.

So now the play people can hate me.

Better than my daughter having more crap placed on top of her current crap-pile.

I mean, seriously - they're slicing open her gums!!!! The least she can do is go see a play first.

We will also decide (with the orthodontist and the dentist) whether these braces will also take care of her incredible overbite, or if we'll put that off until later.

Labels: health, kids

posted by Zuska @ 11:30 AM 5 comments

Monday, February 05, 2007

I KNOW this is too much information.

When I was in high school - I think my senior year - I got a horrible sinus infection. My mom hated me at the time, because she found out I was on the Pill, which of course meant that I was having s-e-x. Wanna know how she knew? Because one day, she was lying in bed, doing her "quiet time" (which means reading the bible and praying intently), and Jesus appeared to her in her bedroom doorway and TOLD HER. He told her exactly where in my room she should go to find my pill pack (folded into an extra set of sheets on a back shelf of my closet), and she did. I started keeping them in my locker after that.

But anyway, even if she didn't HATE me, she didn't ever believe me about anything - including the fact that I was sick (because I had previously told her that I had STOPPED having s-e-x with my boyfriend, but then Jesus told on me). I therefore was unable to get medical attention for my cold/infection, and it lasted the better part of 9 months.

I had no sense of taste for that entire time. It was horrible. My sinuses were constantly full of disgustingness.

I made it my mission in life to tell my family - every night at dinner - every detail about the snotty disgustingness going on inside my head. The exact color, the exact sensation --- every detail. It was really all we had to talk about - what with the hating and the disbelieving and the bitterness and all. So I chose to speak of snots.

And honestly - it became a habit.

Therefore, I am letting anyone who continues to read this post know what I am going through right now.

I have been sick since Tuesday. As of Thursday, my voice has not been my own. I croaked out the little "I Will" that I exchanged with my Beloved on Friday, and have not really stopped croaking since. Toward the end of the days, I am pretty much inaudible, and last night I was forced to switch to a whisper.

I also was unable to sleep last night, because I had an odd combination of dryness and snottiness alternating between my throat and my nasal passages, and every time I started to drift off, the dryness took over and I ended up in a spasm of coughing fits. I tried to apologize to Beloved for the disturbances, but I couldn't talk.

This morning, my voice is almost normal again. It is full, at least, and I do not have to whisper. My nasal passages are clearer, and I'm getting toward okay.

But for one thing.

There is a last bit of .... stuff. It's lodged in my throat. Right at the place that triggers the gag reflex. I almost feel like I'm gonna puke. I'm not, though. I try to cough and cough to make the feeling go away, but as it moves UP -- I actually do feel like I'm going to puke. I'm trying to drink different things to hope that it will wash away - but so far, no dice.

It truly feels disgusting. I mean, truly and really. I really want it to go away.

Labels: health

posted by Zuska @ 10:58 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Less Than 100%

I went out to dinner with a friend last night. It went pretty quickly, since 1) it's a busy restaurant and they tend to push you through pretty quick, and 2) we both had 2 kids we wanted to get home in order to kiss goodnight. While we were there, I ate a fantastic root veggie dish (beets, yummy!) and drank ONE beer. A normal beer. Not a triple or a double or anything fancy at all.

I actually shouldn't have had even one beer, b/c toward the end of the day, and especially on the T ride home, I wasn't feeling so well. I thought it was just motion sickness, b/c the driver of my train seemed to be competing for the title of "Most Riders Thrown Across the Train During Commute Hours." In my experience, this driver was the second runner up. But I still felt funky when I got home - after picking up the kids and walking probably .5 miles. I thought perhaps it was more than just motion sickness ....

But I never can abstain while others order a beer, so I ordered ONE with my friend.

When I got home, I felt dizzy. I think it even started at home. The room was slightly spinning. It was NOT a drunk-dizzy. I just felt .... off. Like something was kinda wrong. Then I started to feel nauseous. So I got in bed with a book, and went to sleep pretty quick, pretty early. I just conked out.

I woke a few times in the night, feeling squeamish still. I didn't go running this a.m., b/c I didn't trust my stomach, and didn't want to push it before work - I think I'd rather die than call in sick after taking a week off.

I still feel just a little off. Every now and then I feel dizzy, and my stomach feels less than stable. I had a cup of tea, and that helped, but I feel exhausted - which is probably more from the lack of early morning running-juices, rather than from a lack of sleep (since I slept long and hard last night). So I'm having coffee on top of the tea.

I was tempted to get an onion bagel with cream cheese -- "to settle the stomach" -- but I am trying so hard to stay away from white flour stuff (it goes hand-in-hand with the running), and it probably would NOT settle my stomach, so I resisted that temptation.

Now I'm at work, and I am able to read and work. So I assume I'm fine.

I had a kind of daunting conversation with a partner here I've been working with. It was about Future Firm. I sort of found through my interview process for this co-op that smaller firms LOVE to pick on the biggies. They LOVE to. I found a few small-firm partners to be quite unprofessional in their joking. Something similar to saying "ha ha - you're going to work at Crav-Ass! Get it? Cravath, CravASS?? Ha ha." [I picked them b/c they're the first firm that doesn't have a presence in Boston that popped into my mind --- not at all to imply that I'm going to work at a Cravath-type firm]. What I've gotten here is more of the "I hope you're ready for super-long hours!" and "Well, if that's the type of thing you want, more power to ya." Stuff like that. This firm isn't tiny, and they have an excellent reputation, and most of the partners and associates have come from the large firms in town (you know, when they didn't make the partner cut ... or perhaps when they got sick of the hours .... or perhaps when they decided they'd rather see the inside of a court room, rather than spend hours and hours doing discovery review).

This morning's conversation was about the unlikelihood of making partner, and how I should talk to the people here who came from Future Firm. I told her "no thank you!" I'm locked in with my offer and acceptance ... I don't want to go and listen to the reasons why it won't work out for me. I made my decision with the information available to me, and with my family's well-being in mind (financial and otherwise). I don't need to hear stories from people who perhaps made the same decision and for whatever reason --- it didn't work out. My experience won't be their experience -- it will be MY experience. I will have MY relationships with the people I work with; I will have MY chemistry with the firm and its culture.

Furthermore, the firm (as all work places) is changing. Those who graduated law school in the late 80s or early 90s went to a different place than I'm going to in '07. Geez, in the late 80s or early 90s, there's no way in hell that I would be going to Future Firm from my school. They would have laughed uproarously at the idea of hiring someone from a non-top 10. The hilarity of it!!!

I'm well aware that this path may not be a straight one. There may be plenty of curves and bumps. But it is my path. I want to go down it with hope and optimism, not regret and fear.

Labels: co-op, health, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 9:31 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

sickies

It's 9:48, and the girls are still sound asleep. e., at least, was up until midnight last night, so it isn't all that remarkable, except that she was up at 8:15, and wanted to get out of bed, but I was able to convince her to rest more --- and it seems that she fell asleep.

There is only one thing that could make my e. fall back asleep in the morning:

she's sick.

j. still being asleep is no biggy. She's a sleeper. e., however, is not.

She has a nasty cough, and her voice is hoarse, and she's full of ooey gooey snots. j. also has the snots. Not the cough, though.

I've had a low-grade headache for 2 days now, (yesterday and today) but no other problems.

We are supposed to be heading out to the Berkshires tomorrow to visit friends for an overnight - but I don't know if we can with e. feeling as poorly as she is.

Labels: health, kids

posted by Zuska @ 9:48 AM 0 comments

Monday, December 18, 2006

Sick of the chaos ... already.

Today kinda sucks.

I received an e-mail first thing of the day saying that our hostess' kid was sick, and that perhaps we'll have to put our party off for another day. The "perhaps" is what caused all the chaos - between friends and family and food.

Beloved was making me a vat of soup to bring to the party - that was put on hold.

Then we received a follow e-mail that the child was feeling better - so I told him to make the soup, and wrote back that we'd see them later.

But then another mom wrote and said No! We've been sick for a week, and can't afford to get sick again, please can we reschedule (this family has a child who leans toward "sickly," which is the exact opposite of us. e. has been wondering if the fact taht she hasn't been sick for YEARS means something is wrong with her - b/c we haven't been sick for a long time. When we do get sick, we shake it off really quick).

So I called Beloved and told him, no way - don't make the soup, b/c now it looks ilke we're going to reschedule,

But then our hostess said - we can't find another night, she really wasn't THAT sick, and since 2 other people said tonight was okay, perhaps we needed to still go ahead.

So I called Beloved and said, "I don't know what to do!!" We decided he'd make the soup - if the party was canceled (which was, remember, just for j. and I, so he still had to make some OTHER food for he and e.), we'd all eat the soup, and we'd have to bring something else later in the week of the party was rescheduled.

Then it turns out not only is the party on, but since we lost 2 families to the fear of prolonged illness (both have been sick recently, and Christmas is around the corner - so I totally understand their feelings on that), our hostess invited Beloved and e. to come along as well.

Beloved and I have our bdays back-to-back, and it means we both are under teh same astrological sign. I'm not a huge believer in that mumbo jumbo, but I do recognize that there are some personality trends that seem to coincide. For us, it's all the negative ones.

We're very different people, with very similar faults.

For example ... when someone calls me with the possibility for impromptu plans, my knee jerk reaction is NO!! I can't!! I was going to sit and stare at the wall for the next hour, I can't go out and enjoy the company of friends!! I need time to digest change. I have gotten to where I can tell people, "I need to give it some thoguht and call you back - I don't change plans without freaking out - let me get right back to you."

And I believe (my interpretation of our chaos this afternoon) that Beloved is the same way. I want him to learn to say the same thing, "I"m freaking out, let me think on my own and get back with you."

Because then, I would have less of a headache than I do now. [unless it's the first hints of the buggy wuggy that's going around -- then Beloved's [grouchiness] has nothing to do with it]

But I love him dearly, even if he IS like me. In all the wrong ways ;)

We are all going. To eat Latkes and soup and such.

Labels: beloved, health, holidays, kids, life

posted by Zuska @ 4:46 PM 0 comments

Projects and Puking

I worked for at least 3 hours on j.'s Solstice gift last night. It is coming out really well, and I'm happy with it, but it's taking too long. I think I'm more than 1/2 done ... I think. But this is only the first one. I still haven't started e.'s. I have a project planned for Beloved, as well, but I don't know if I'm going to get to work on it.

I am using some of her old artwork from preschool and kindergarten, and pictures from those times as well. she used to be such a little girl. To spend that time with her photos from her 4th birthday, with the cherubic little face she had, and all the chub on her cute little self, and then to emerge from the cave in which I'm doing my work, and see this tall, lanky, athletic looking girl - it's disorienting.

J. and I were supposed to have a book group gathering tonight - we were just having a Latke party at one of the members' houses - no book discussion. But the hostess's daughter woke with a fever today, and so it looks like it will be canceled. I am a little nervous. This girl slept over our house on Friday night, and there are reports of some nasty, nasty bugs going around (a few towns over). If we are going to get it this week, I'm going to cry. First of all - I don't think that either Beloved OR I can comfortably take the time off from work. I say that because my job is temporary, and his is not, I should take off the time, but when it comes down to it, I get freaked out when I need to miss work. I have a work ethic to a fault (so I'm told).

When I was in high school, I did not do sports, I did not act, I did not play an instrument, I wasn't in student government --- I worked. I worked on the weekends, and after school, and often more than one job. I worked with my father first, where I formed, I suppose, this work ethic of mine. He was often out the door at 6 a.m., and worked hard. He hardly ever got sick, and i think only once in his LIFE didn't go to work b/c of an illness. His boss was(is) a freak, and if someone DID miss work, the man would go on a RAMPAGE.

And so now, here I am, with the work ethic from hell. "What do you MEAN I need to stay home and nurse a puking child? I can't!!! I must go to work!!!!" Yeah, right.

I'm sure the girls will be fine. And if they do catch a bug that may, or may not, be going aroudn - then this office will be MORE than fine without their silly little intern.

Besides, throughout my entire life, I get sick on CHRISTMAS. And now, following my footsteps, so will my children. We've already had at least two Christmases where the illnesses were pretty extreme. Once in 1998, while we were in California - my parents came to town and brought a nasty flu with them. We had 104 degree fevers --- me, my dad (he didn't go to work THAT day! Although he may have, if he was in the proper state), poor little 7 month old J., and 2 year old E. We have pictures. We all look pathetic. And then 2 years ago, in 2004, we went to my parents' for Christmas, and my sister was there from CA, and e. puked all over the living room. Then it hit J. on the day we were due to drive back home, and so I had to bundle her up in the backseat, with a little garbage pail on the floor "Just in case." Then, while driving home (Beloved had to go home earlier than us for work), it hit me, and when we drove up to the house, I left everything (and everyone) in the car, ran in the house, yelled at beloved to go and look after the kids, and promptly puked into the toilet.

That was fun.

Ahhh Christmas.

And now just talking about allo f this, I think I have a slight headache, and some nausea. Ooooooohhhh, woe is me.

Labels: health, holidays, kids

posted by Zuska @ 9:17 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Public Service Announcement:

Mammograms *do* *not* *hurt* - not one IOTA. It was not a question of pain tolerance - it was a question of the thing resulting in zero pain. I had always heard that they smoosh your boobs to the point taht you think you can't take it any more, and then they smoosh harder.

No. Uh uh. I would call it a "press" - not a smoosh or a squish. A pressing.

They do, however, put your breasts into rather unflattering poses.

If any one has been avoiding a mammogram b/c they heard it hurts - don't avoid it anymore. It does NOT hurt.

Labels: health, life

posted by Zuska @ 3:12 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tomorrow is Squishy Day

Yeah, my mammogram is tomorrow. Of course it coincides with work exploding at me. So I am stressed that it is going to be a problem for me to leave at 12:30 and take a 2 hour lunch.

I do have a project that is due by the afternoon. I was thinking perhaps I could get into work early-early (well, leave my house at 7, instead of close to 8), and get a good bit done.

Which means I should go to bed now.

Labels: co-op, health

posted by Zuska @ 10:24 PM 0 comments

Friday, November 17, 2006

booby update

i had my second appointment re: the spot on my boob today. i have no new information, except that they've ruled out the possibility that it was just cyclical (i.e., related to my period). the "expert" who felt around today found the spot pretty quickly, returned to it 4 times, and then said, with her brows furrowed, "is this the spot?" she said it does not feel "clinically troublesom" which i'm taking to mean "it does not feel like a tumor" - but she has no clue WHAT it is, so on the second Wednesday of my new job, and 2 days after my 34th birthday (the day after beloved's 45th birthday). I get to explain to them that i must take a long lunch for medical purposes, so i can go and get a mamogram and an ultrasound on my left boob.

can someone who has had mamograms please give me some reassurance that this won't hurt as much as i think it's going to? i was so happy last week when my primary care doctor said JUST an ultrasound. but the expert says i need both. i'm trying not to think about it. but i'll think about it for purposes of reading reassurances. reassurances ONLY, please.

in other news, my paper is pretty much done. i'm cozy-ing up to my blue book right now, and when it's done, i print the damned thing and walk it downstairs. then i go party or something. b/c i'm done.

Labels: exams, health, law school

posted by Zuska @ 9:49 AM 2 comments

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