parens binubus

more than you want to know about a law school graduate/bar examinee who is also raising two children and doing her best at being a partner to her love.

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  • Sunday, June 03, 2007
    Woman on the Verge ....
    Yeah, I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

    J's party went well. Beloved ran the tie-dye station, and he was utterly amazing. He used to teach art in high schools and middle schools, and it really showed. He was so organized, and prepared, and did a fantastic job. I was very impressed.

    We ended up staying at our friends' house until after 10, and left J there. We had to make a bargain with her and her BFF that if they would not insist on sitting next to each other and having each other for partners the entire time (remember, it was a joint birthday party - our thinking was that if they were stuck to each other like glue, then it wouldn't be fun for the other kids, who would want to be with the "birthday girl"), then they could have a sleepover.

    Honestly, that's not the kind of bargain I usually make with my kids. But I wasn't the only mom in the room or the situation. I usually say, "Either you be a good hostess and participate equally with all of your guests, or you will not only have no party next year, but you will also miss the other birthday parties that are coming up this year." Instead, she got a sleepover with her BFF. And more --- they're off getting manicures this morning! Geez. That's some birthday weekend!

    The prep for the party, though, really took it out of me. We left there late last night, and got home with only E, who was upset about a movie she'd seen at a different friend's house that had to do with a father and child reconciling after years of a difficult relationship. She was upset that she doesn't think she can reconcile with her father ... that it's "impossible." That opened up a giant can of worms, and those worms grew to the size of the biggest snakes in the entire universe - not only the universe in reality, but the universe of all imaginations everywhere. Which means a lto of stuff got dredged up, and I ended up in bed at midnight, tossing and turning with angst over the situation.

    I just f ind myself on hte verge of tears this morning. I woke up on Friday with a slight tweak in my back, along my left shoulder blade. IT wasn't too bad ... but then when I got in bed Friday night, I found it hurting a lot. It's an odd pain in that it hurts most when I'm lying down. I woke up on Saturday with severe pain, now on both sides of my spine, next to both shoulder blades, and a shitty night's sleep, b/c every time I turned my head or tried to roll over, the pain twinged.

    Last night, it was worse, and this a.m., I'm having a hard time doing most normal tasks. Including moving my head or arms.

    I also am awake to the realization that I should spend the entire day doing BarBri stuff, that I'm behind, and that it sucks.

    I just feel like all the stress of the past 2 weeks is manifesting itself in my shoulders and my tear ducts, and I kind of want to hide under a rock and dissolve.

    It probably doesn't help that waking at 7 with the little ones yesterday, and then at 8 to bring E to a make up cello lesson today resulted in no exercise this weekend. Sure, I could go for a run now, instead of studying for the bar exam. While unable to move my arms or my head. But I think I'm better off studying.

    I was going to go to the library today to do my work, but J has a project due this week, and I'm supposed to help her with that, and I am not sure I can just disappear.

    Groan moan groan cry ow.

    Labels: , , , , , , ,

    posted by Zuska @ 11:29 AM  
    • At Sunday, June 03, 2007 1:03:00 PM, Blogger PT-LawMom said…

      (((HUGS))) Is there good chocolate on the way to the library? I'm also a firm believer in massage for health and stress relief. Maybe you could find a good masseuse and see her regularly during this especially stressful period? Good luck!

    • At Sunday, June 03, 2007 1:15:00 PM, Blogger Zuska said…

      Ya know, I am aware that sometimes I'm a wee too sappy about my Beloved, and I would like to say - he's far from perfect. I went to sleep mad at him last night, thinking he wasn't supportive enough when I was talking to him about E's upsetedness.

      But he brought E to a bday party this a.m., and on the way home, what was in his hand?


      And I'd love a regular massage, seriously, and was thinking this a.m. while feeling like a cripple as I brought E to cello that it is certainly a time that I will be experiencing great stress and could likely use it. However, it seems like an extravagence I cannot afford while having no income until October.

    • At Sunday, June 03, 2007 2:03:00 PM, Blogger She says said…

      One of the luxuries I allowed myself when studying for the bar was permission to do whatever I needed to do in the immediate short term to help me feel better about the stress, anxiety and sheer crushing power of the sense of doom I felt over the looming bar. This included eating chocolate when I wanted to (and yea, I still haven't lost that weight... but that's another story), going for a walk when I needed it and spending a little more money than I should have on things I wanted.

      The bar is stress enough for most people. Add to it your kids, X, the animals, money anxiety, etc., and it's just a whole lotta crap that is definitely going to take its toll on you. I say, get the massage. In the long term, it's not much extra money. In the short term, it's huge relief.

      Hang in there! Good luck!

    • At Sunday, June 03, 2007 2:15:00 PM, Blogger Zuska said…

      But but but ...

      We already bought our tickets to Europe. If we spend all our money on massages, we won't be able to eat in fun French restaurants and in fun Amsterdam coffeehouses.

    • At Sunday, June 03, 2007 2:42:00 PM, Anonymous Citations said…

      I'm sorry about your back. There's stress and then there's impossible stress, and it sounds as though you have the impossible kind of stress in a big way.

      Will anyone at home rub your back for you? It's not a massage, but maybe better than nothing. And for a couple of bucks you can get a box of Celestial Seasoning's Tension Tamer tea, which is not bad. All that plus chocolate might take the edge off enough for you to just get through this time.

      Being crippled with pain is not conducive to effective studying. Believe me, I know!

      Feel better.

    • At Sunday, June 03, 2007 3:18:00 PM, Anonymous Butterflyfish said…

      Forget massage -- you need a chiropractor. I'm serious. Mine saved my life when I was in that kind of pain. Health insurance cover that?

    • At Sunday, June 03, 2007 3:21:00 PM, Blogger Zuska said…

      Butterflyfish: ha ha ha! health insurance? I had insurance through school. I start work in late September. I think I actually maintain my insurance (but not my providers) until late August ... but chiropractic was never covered.

      Citations: Thanks! My 9 year old actually did a pretty damned good job with her tiny (but strong) fingers, and now the Motrin is kicking in, and this was my last crazy weekend. I'm hoping it all goes uphill from here.

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