Today was the second day in a row that I did not get up and exercise. I'm a loser. I didn't go yesterday, b/c it was the girls' last day of school, and I wanted to simply the morning. Beloved had made french toast and bacon, and they were excited, and so ... I didn't go.

Today was supposed to be my first day swimming in the a.m. instead of running. My new bathing suit arrived, perfect for laps with no escaping boobies, the pool schedule was double checked, and then I pushed snooze one more time.

This is a problem because it will be my first time at the adult open lap swim, and I'm nervous. The other day, I ran by the pool, and peeked inside to find out how crowded it was: very. I don't really feel like I'm good/in practice enough to feel comfortable swimming in a lane packed with people. I veer. I drift. So I was hoping to get there first. At the unlocking of the door, so that I could be the pace-setter, and people could be joining ME, rather than me joining them. I pushed snooze instead.

Of course, there is no such concern with the reservoir. So there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't have gotten out bed and donned running clothes instead of swimming clothes.

I pushed snooze again.

THAT was not the big indulgence.

Once I skipped out on exercise, and felt my uterus tightening forebodingly the entire way to BarBri, I thought, "this week sucks. I want a fucking bagel."

I actually have wanted one every day that I've passed the bagel shop on the corner, but I resisted. Why? Because I have lost approx 30 pounds, in part, by cutting carb-rich foods from my day-to-day diet. I don't regularly eat sandwiches, or have rolls, or eat noodles, or rice. There are occasions that I will have such meals, for whatever reason, but a bagel has not been one of those occurrences. I probably haven't had a bagel in a year or something.

Today (and yesterday, and the day before, and the day before) I wanted one. I wanted the yummy cream cheese, and I wanted the delicious onions and the toasty bread on the outside and the doughy bread on the inside.

And I got me one.

And it was NOT worth it. The onions looked fake, the cream cheese was messy, slimy, and sort of gross, and the bagel itself was second-rate at best.

what's more - I got home at 2 p.m., after a train ride sprinkled with cherries and almonds for a snack, and I'm completely shaky. All jittery and weak-feeling. I'm never like this! Other than the bagel (which I also justified as replacing my morning smoothie, which Beloved won't be making for me anymore, I don't think, since the girls will be home in the a.m., and sleeping when I leave, and they were really the intended beneficiaries of the smoothies ..... I suppose (get this!) I could make my own smoothies. Huh), my routine was as per usual. Coffee in the a.m., fruit during class, home and eating around 2. I'm never shaky. Except today.

I don't think that carbs are bad for everyone, but with my family history (Diabetes, Type 2 on top of heaviness) and my own personal reaction to pasta, rice and bread (bloating, gas pain, FARTS), I do believe they are not the best food choice for me.

I'm glad that today's indulgence was a flop, rather than a moment of ecstasy creating the temptation of repetition.

And tomorrow ... I *will* go running (the pool doesn't open early on Fridays). Sat/Sun, I will go to the pool, AND run, to make up for today and yesterday.

Labels: diet, exercise

posted by Zuska @ 2:10 PM 2 comments

Saturday, May 12, 2007

The Unfairness of Me

Yeah, a study break.

My Beloved is really an amazing man. He is very thoughtful - he thinks about things that most men do not think about. He is very considerate, in that he considers me, my personality, my strengths and my weaknesses in most decisions that he makes. Some of my faults frustrate the shit out of him, and he wants to change them -- i.e., my propensity to fling my keys into a pile of crap, then add more crap to the pile, then push the pile to the ground, and then have a frantic hour of searching for keys the next morning on hte way out the door ... often to find that I removed them from the pile of crap and placed them in my bag, where they belonged in the first place. He wants me to just put my keys in the same place every time I walk in the door, and then I will never have to look for them, and always know where they are. I think that's sort of alienesque behavior ... and I am not that interested in it. Although, in all honesty, I haven't lost my keys in a long time, and I do typically put them on the little stand-thing by the door now. But many of my other faults, he suffers through, and works around. Like my ability to do "other things" in the morning until it's too late to pack a lunch ... he packs my lunch for me now, and will even go so far as to put it in my bag so I don't forget.

He is really great.

When I started law school, I was not at my ideal weight. Mostly due to a couple of injuries and a decrease in free-time because of single motherhood and my entry into a full-time workforce. But over the 3 years that I was in that situation, I didn't gain too-too much weight. Maybe 15 - 20 pounds (yeah, to some, that's too-too much weight. I don't come from one of those families. I have an aunt who has .... uh, 215 pounds to lose. And I'm really not kidding. She's 5'2" and weighs 35o pounds.)

Beloved said not a WORD. He did not show any lack of attraction to me, he did not make any disparaging comments [like X would have], and there was no reduction in affection, compliments - nothing.

Then came law school.

I was stressed. I had no time to exercise. I found refuge in ice cream. So I put on more weight. (damn me.)

Still ... Beloved said nothing. Same thing with the whole consistency of our relationship and his kindness and lovingness.

Now I'm losing this stupid weight. It's coming off relatively steadily right now, and my smaller clothes that were put away are back out, and loose.

I get frustrated, because Beloved says almost nothing. I suppose I've whined and wheedled enough that he does now say SOME - but he isn't all "OH MY GOD YOU'VE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT YOU LOOK SO HOT LETS HAVE SEX 24 HOURS A DAY!!" And I have pouted a couple times over this.

But I recognize that it is unfair. The fact that he is so damned accepting is something that I treasure and love and recognize as a gift that the universe has given me out of kindness.

If he were to go on and on and on about the shrinking-ness of me, then doesn't it take away from the acceptance of the NOT shrinking me who was here a few months ago? I think it would. And if my battle with my family history is something that continues to require my full focus and I one day have to give that focus to something else - or if I were to get injured again, and can't continue with the exercise ... don't I want to feel like the consistent love and acceptance of Beloved still exists? I don't want to look back and say, "oh, but he was so happy when I lost that weight, and now I'm gaining it back, and perhaps I have to once again feel like I don't live up to my husband's expectations [other husband] and that our relationship is bound up in our physical appearances and that my life sucks."

No. I don't want that.

I am grateful and happy that my desire to rediscover my healthy zone was not necessary to my husband/love's respect and appreciation of me.

Labels: beloved, diet, exercise, whining

posted by Zuska @ 4:16 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Lunches

My kids are packing their lunches for tomorrow. They've been eating "hot lunches" for most of the year ... this is okay with me because their school is one of the few in the state which has been making huge efforts at going organic/fresh/no bad stuff. We've had parent-events "catered" by the school cafeteria, and I'm telling you ... there are no toasty dogs.

The problem has turned out to be time. The kids have to wait in line if they get hot lunches. The line is kinda long. By the time they sit down to eat, it's almost time to return to class (they have recess first, starting this year). So in the past few weeks, E has been packing her own lunch. Now J has decided, "my big sister is smart, I will be like her, even though she's bossy, and annoying, and yells too much."

It's fun seeing them choose things. "Can I have some peanuts?" "Can I have some cashews?" "I would like a red pepper, is it okay if I slice this one?" "I don't really want juice, I'll bring my water bottle." "I'll take a banana, and a pear."

These are some healthy-eatin' kids. I am pleased with the choices they make.

Granted, if we had potato chips, chocolate chip cookies, and cans of coke in the fridge ... they'd likely think those were good ideas, too.

But we don't.

Labels: diet, food, health, kids

posted by Zuska @ 9:08 PM 0 comments

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