Oh yeah, I'm just about done here. I am actually going to spend the next 2 hours cleaning up my office - getting ready to DEPART, and then will work on my final project tomorrow if I don't have time to revisit it today.

I'm feeling pretty good.

I also had some relatively happy news about my future firm. Now I'm too giddy to work. (It has NOTHING to do with money or salary increases, a game I would prefer my future firm stays out of).

I've been having fun commenting back and forth with a Housewife recently. Wondering if I would be posting her posts, if I stayed on the old path. I don't think, though, that I could have stayed on the old path. The old path was not my friend, and I was not its friend. A commenter over there had said that when she was a working mom, she was more tense and when she quit her job, even her kids noticed the change in her. I am just the plum opposite. I am a better mom when doing Other Things.

I also really like the example that is being set for my kids -- not just that they can do anything they want with their lives - and make it work (not at the expense of other Important Things), but also that they can hope for a true partner in life, who is not so married to stereotypes and the image of a "macho man" that he (if they choose a he) is limited in the forms of support he (or she) can offer and the role he can play in creating and managing a home.

And all of us different kinds of moms will show our children different choices, and they will make choices that are for different reasons and in different ways from each other and the world will continue to be interesting. Hopefully even MORE interesting than it is now. Because some things right now sorta stink.

Labels: co-op, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 2:26 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A fun take on the working mom

I think what I like best about this article is that there's nothing catty about it. There is not even a HINT of "if you don't make the same choices I did then you are subjecting your children to a lifetime of misery, therapy, bad behavior and a lack of priorities." Do you know how rare that is in the world of working moms talking about being a stay-at-home mom or vice versa?

I also think I agree with the author - before I had children, I hated the pettiness of the workplace. I hated office politics and the competition over who is the "favorite" of the higher ups. Then when I had children, and I was home with them, I wasn't so appreciative of the constant work and the whining and the crying and the responsibility to keep them entertained and the guilt that I experienced if I chose to accomplish that entertainment through artificial means ....

Now that I'm back to working, and have been since 2002, I appreciate both worlds more. I do not fault the work world for being so impersonal - I get enough of the personal and intimate at home. I don't fault the family-world for being so chaotic - I have my refuge (for the most part ... law school has its chaos - so does my desk right now), and the somewhat sterility of the work environment is a respite and home is a comfort.

I like having both.

Labels: working mom

posted by Zuska @ 1:54 PM 2 comments

Thursday, January 18, 2007

More Qs on Course Load

They're internal, though. I don't want advice.

I just was over at one of my favorite fellow law student blogs, and saw that Lyco is taking an INSANE amount of classes. The actual # of classes isn't so high, but her credits!!! My God!!!

And I thought - I, too, love law school. I, too, would love to get as much out of my last quarter as possible. So I went to peak at the course schedule, and think about whether I could take 5 classes instead of 4. Right now, since all 4 that I'm planning on are 3 credits, my credits are low, again. Only 12. Which is what I need to graduate. I could take First Amendment, TOO.

But then, in classic Zuska fashion, I vacillated. I thought - you know ... This is the last year that I'm not working full time. I ALREADY e-mailed the people in charge of the girls' play and let them know that I'm free on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons to help out with play practice (70 kids are in this play - they need help!!). There are no Tuesday/Thursday classes that would make that impossible, but if I have reading for FIVE classes to keep up with, I am not sure I want to give up that 3+ hour chunk of time* twice a week.

Although, it is only for the first 3 weeks of March, which is the very start of my quarter, and I won't yet be stressed ....

And then there's the end of the year craziness that happens at their school. There are concerts and parties and open houses, and there will be sports, and MORE plays, and performances, and and and.

BUT (tee hee) - I think most of that happens after I'm done. I finish a solid month before they do. I'll be in Bar Review, but that's only in the mornings.

I think I'll register for the class, and go to it. Then I'll make my decision. If it was possible to take Trusts & Estates as the 5th class, I think it would definitely happen. But it conflicts with that seminar course I'm not willing to give up FOR THE THIRD TIME.

* Play practice is from 2:15- 4:30, but it will take me at least 20 minutes to get to their school from mine -- unless I decide to drop the bike and my bag at home first, then it would take 30 minutes, and then at 4:30 - what am I going to do? Go back to school? No. I'm going to take my kids home with me, or to the library, or something. Whereas otherwise, on a Tuesday or Thursday, I likely wouldn't arrive at their school until 5:15-5:30 to pick them up from after-school care. In effect, I'll be leaving MY school at 1:45 instead of 5 p.m.

Labels: life, parenting, school, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 10:33 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Less Than 100%

I went out to dinner with a friend last night. It went pretty quickly, since 1) it's a busy restaurant and they tend to push you through pretty quick, and 2) we both had 2 kids we wanted to get home in order to kiss goodnight. While we were there, I ate a fantastic root veggie dish (beets, yummy!) and drank ONE beer. A normal beer. Not a triple or a double or anything fancy at all.

I actually shouldn't have had even one beer, b/c toward the end of the day, and especially on the T ride home, I wasn't feeling so well. I thought it was just motion sickness, b/c the driver of my train seemed to be competing for the title of "Most Riders Thrown Across the Train During Commute Hours." In my experience, this driver was the second runner up. But I still felt funky when I got home - after picking up the kids and walking probably .5 miles. I thought perhaps it was more than just motion sickness ....

But I never can abstain while others order a beer, so I ordered ONE with my friend.

When I got home, I felt dizzy. I think it even started at home. The room was slightly spinning. It was NOT a drunk-dizzy. I just felt .... off. Like something was kinda wrong. Then I started to feel nauseous. So I got in bed with a book, and went to sleep pretty quick, pretty early. I just conked out.

I woke a few times in the night, feeling squeamish still. I didn't go running this a.m., b/c I didn't trust my stomach, and didn't want to push it before work - I think I'd rather die than call in sick after taking a week off.

I still feel just a little off. Every now and then I feel dizzy, and my stomach feels less than stable. I had a cup of tea, and that helped, but I feel exhausted - which is probably more from the lack of early morning running-juices, rather than from a lack of sleep (since I slept long and hard last night). So I'm having coffee on top of the tea.

I was tempted to get an onion bagel with cream cheese -- "to settle the stomach" -- but I am trying so hard to stay away from white flour stuff (it goes hand-in-hand with the running), and it probably would NOT settle my stomach, so I resisted that temptation.

Now I'm at work, and I am able to read and work. So I assume I'm fine.

I had a kind of daunting conversation with a partner here I've been working with. It was about Future Firm. I sort of found through my interview process for this co-op that smaller firms LOVE to pick on the biggies. They LOVE to. I found a few small-firm partners to be quite unprofessional in their joking. Something similar to saying "ha ha - you're going to work at Crav-Ass! Get it? Cravath, CravASS?? Ha ha." [I picked them b/c they're the first firm that doesn't have a presence in Boston that popped into my mind --- not at all to imply that I'm going to work at a Cravath-type firm]. What I've gotten here is more of the "I hope you're ready for super-long hours!" and "Well, if that's the type of thing you want, more power to ya." Stuff like that. This firm isn't tiny, and they have an excellent reputation, and most of the partners and associates have come from the large firms in town (you know, when they didn't make the partner cut ... or perhaps when they got sick of the hours .... or perhaps when they decided they'd rather see the inside of a court room, rather than spend hours and hours doing discovery review).

This morning's conversation was about the unlikelihood of making partner, and how I should talk to the people here who came from Future Firm. I told her "no thank you!" I'm locked in with my offer and acceptance ... I don't want to go and listen to the reasons why it won't work out for me. I made my decision with the information available to me, and with my family's well-being in mind (financial and otherwise). I don't need to hear stories from people who perhaps made the same decision and for whatever reason --- it didn't work out. My experience won't be their experience -- it will be MY experience. I will have MY relationships with the people I work with; I will have MY chemistry with the firm and its culture.

Furthermore, the firm (as all work places) is changing. Those who graduated law school in the late 80s or early 90s went to a different place than I'm going to in '07. Geez, in the late 80s or early 90s, there's no way in hell that I would be going to Future Firm from my school. They would have laughed uproarously at the idea of hiring someone from a non-top 10. The hilarity of it!!!

I'm well aware that this path may not be a straight one. There may be plenty of curves and bumps. But it is my path. I want to go down it with hope and optimism, not regret and fear.

Labels: co-op, health, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 9:31 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Something New To Do .... Yea?

I am very happy about this ... I've been invited to join a book group. It is not with kids. It is for Grown Ups.

This is really good for me right now, with my seeking to increase my level of social activity. I think it was inevitable, for a 1st year of law school in a new city - I was relatively stand-offish at my school, b/c of constantly running home (b/c that's what I wanted to do) to be with the family; and also relatively stand-offish at the GIRLS' school, b/c of constantly running home to study.

But now school is winding down, and my life can (re)start.

There are 9 other women in the group, and I know 3 of them (I probably know more, I don't know the full list of members yet). One of the 3 I know is the mom of the boy that e. has been struggling with -- us moms have started to talk, to see what's up with the kids, and we're going out to dinner next week, to talk more - not really about these kids' problems with each other. More just to vent to another mom about some of the harder aspects of parenting. I think that it's hard (perhaps especially in this town) for moms to talk about their STRUGGLES. Bragging about kids - perfectly okay. But I think if you share about your difficulties -- the grapevine kicks in, and people start to think of your kid as a "problem." Which e. is NOT. I think that since this other mom and I have now experienced our kids being a difficult with each other - there's a certain safety zone.

And she seems a wee younger, like me, and she's pretty friendly. she also works full time, which is a rarity around here. Part-time is getting to be less and less of a rarity, as kids get older ... but full time is still unusual.

My first meeting of the book group is the week of New Year's, and I guess I have to either go to the bookstore, or the library!! I have a book to read!!

Labels: friendship, parenting, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 9:05 AM 2 comments

Monday, November 27, 2006

why, pray tell?

when all i did all day was learn how to look up documents on a computer, am i so tired? i mean, i'm WIPED OUT. pooped. i don't even know if i can stay awake through Heroes.

this week is not a calm one -- tomorrow is my first day trying to get from work to the girls' after school program before it closes at 6. i *hate* this. i hate the stress. i have more than enough time. i was home today at 5:40, and i think if i went to their school, i would have been there at 5:30 - but i can't just know that, and be okay.

i have to start, at approximately 3 p.m., worrying that someone will come in with a RUSH assignment. that the trains will have a problem and i'll have to take a bus. that i can't walk fast enough to get from work to the T station in my usual amount of time (which causes me to practically RUN to the station).

i am a freak like that.

and i have to get there early enough to get j., and then be home in time for e. to get dropped off after her cello lesson, at 6:04.

and we have to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special tomorrow at 8 p.m.

and then Weds., we have to do NOTHING.

but THURSDAY - it's insane.

i can't even explain how insane right now.

i'm too tired, and Heroes is about to start.

Friday .... j. has play practice for her play that is the next day.

she is Charlie Brown!!! We can't wait. But my parents and her father and step-mother are coming into town on Saturday, and will be here for most of Sunday as well, so ....

it won't be stress-free child-viewing pleasure, oh no. not at ALL.

and monday's my birthday. and tuesday's beloved's birthday.

and wednesday is the day i have to get my booby smooshed.

but it doesn't hurt anymore .... so i'm thinking of cancelling the appointment.

I hope, tomorrow, at my job? that i get to talk to at least ONE lawyer.

in the meantime, i started to write a story on Google Docs. I believe i am a huge fan of this idea - a web based word processor. many itmes in the past, i've wanted to write a story while bored at work, but don't want it to be found or accessible. having it on the web, on a private account to which only i (and beloved) know the password feels a lot better to me.

So if the laywers do keep leaving me alone, i'll be cool.

Labels: co-op, life, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 8:54 PM 1 comments

Sunday, November 26, 2006

the last first day

tomorrow i start my final co-op.

i am not excited about it, as i think i've made abundantly clear.

i wonder how i feel, in general, about this co-op system?

a few weeks ago, i attended a meeting for older students with the admissions committee. they wanted to know what older students are looking for, and what they can provide to make my school a more welcoming place for older students.

one thing that came up was that the co-op system may not work so well for older students. unless said older students spent the intervening years hiding under a rock, and not gaining work experience. i suppose staying home with children is not the same as "hiding under a rock" - but i find it hard to believe that even a stay-at-home mom doesn't have more of an understanding of the workings of a professional atmosphere more than someone who went from highschool to college to law school. especially since most mothers these-a-days have a professional life before embarking on the journey of child-rearing.

there is of course still some redeeming value - the goal of the co-op system is not to give students an exposure to the professional world so that they are little less naive upon securing a permanent job. it's to train law students experientially. this does not always happen, though. it is of course true that every student i've spoken with says that their writing and research skills improve every time they go on co-op. but that could also happen if the school started a law review, or had more writing opportunities during school.

it also helps student hone what they want to do. i came to school thinking i wanted to do family law, somehow concentrated on custody issues, and the "best interests of the child" questions that arise in those determinations. i therefore did my first co-op with a family law judge, and found quickly that it was going to take a lot to get to the point, in the family law field, where i could craft my practice with such precision, and that i had to first go through the rite of passage of property divisions, uncontested divorces and discovery - with the same hours as a big-firm lawyer with approximately 1/3 the pay check.

no thanks.

my personality also does not work so well with the idea of a 3 month stint at anything. it takes me time to adjust, to fit in, to understand the lay of a land. by the time i get to that point on co-op, everyone around me is pulling back, b/c they know it's just about time for me to leave.

now that i have a job lined up for after-school, this final co-op feels purely superfluous. i do not feel at all excited about learning a new computer system, a new filing system, a new support staff, a new office culture - for NOTHING.

if i were a different person - a non-mom, for example. a non-child-care-paying individual, i could have used this co-op to do something "fun." for me, "fun" would have meant something public-interest oriented. perhaps back into that child welfare field that still interests and excites me (and which i hope to still enter, once college is paid for and a house bought). but i do have financial responsibilities, and i could not choose to take an unpaid position with these factors being considered.

so off i go, tomorrow. the last time that i will start a co-op. i will put on a suit for my "first day" and cross my fingers that it won't be necessary for every day thereafter. i am sure that the assignments i get will be interesting, b/c i'm easily interested by legal questions. but i won't want to stay until 8 p.m. to finish up, and i won't be clamouring to get in the door as soon as it's unlocked by the building staff, like i may be doing next year at this time for Future Firm.

i wish, truly, that i could be taking another quarter of classes instead. but 4 co-ops are required in order to graduate, so instead, off i go.

tomorrow.

ugh.

Labels: co-op, law school, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 2:26 PM 2 comments

Monday, November 06, 2006

disaster averted

on saturday, at e.'s play, a friend asked me if j. would be interested in going to the ballet with their family on friday night. she said something like, "since the kids have that day off anyway, maybe she can come over early."

wo! wait a minute. back up.

the kids have the day off?

Yeah, it's Remembrance Day, or whatever you all call it here (she's Canadian).

at the start of their school year, i was so good about going through and recording all 3 or 4 days off in October - but I missed Veteran's Day. I didn't go into November.

beloved works on friday.

and me?

i have my appeals argument.

at the court house.

in downtown.

it's my final in appellate advocacy.

oh shit. my friend kept wanting to talk about the ballet, and about how she thought about going on thursday, but since it was a school night, she decided to go for the friday, and then, ha ha! it turned out that thursday wasn't a school night!

while my head was spinning. crap! crap! crap!

but because my dad was in town, and the bed fell on beloved, and then we had the bday party emergency, and then the ex was in town ... i didn't think about it. until today.

first, i looked up the courthouse holiday schedule - i found it entirely possible that my "professor" fucked up, not realizing that it was a holiday. we're doing the arguments at the courthouse itself. but as it turns out, when certain holidays fall on a weekend, they're observed on the weekend for state employee purposes. this is one of those holidays.

then i called the girls' after-school program to make sure that 1) they weren't open, and 2) there wasn't a waiting list the length of the Charles River. They're closed on Friday, so I didn't have to worry about the waiting list issue. oooh, joy.

then i checked with a friend (the same one who alerted me to my irresponsibility) who just started working again herself. she'd told me that she is busy from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. that day, and her husband would be home with the kids, and he could keep mine, too. i really hate taking favors from others, so i left that as my last resort, but it became necessary for me to ask for the favor.

it's really not a favor. i have watched their kids on several ocassions when they were in a pinch, and was more than happy to do so. perhaps i should not have hesitated, and explored all other avenues first, but rather let them help out from the first offer on Saturday night. but it's not in my nature.

i remember when the girls were babies .... i had j. in a baby bjorn (one of the few ways i could keep her from crying), and e. was 21 months old, and wanted to go on the swing. perhaps j. was actually OUT of the bjorn, and in my arms. i was trying to pick e. up while j. was already in my arms, and lift e. high enough to get her feet in a little baby swing. It wasn't easy. i was, of course, alone. another mom on the playground came over and offered to help me, and i pretty much snapped at her that i could HANDLE it, no THANK YOU.

i think of that often. why was i always so fiercely determined that i could handle it on my own? why wouldn't i take a little help? just to let someone guide e.'s feet into the swing? i could have used the help. i got no reward afterward, for getting one kid in the swing without dropping the other on her head.

i am not as bad anymore as i was on the playground that day - but i always resist help. i always first try to handle it on my own - sometimes going to great lengths in the process. perhaps it's a good thing. but sometimes, it feels like i'm fighting others for no reason.

Labels: babysitter, childcare, kids, mom, parent, swings, working mom

posted by Zuska @ 8:22 PM 0 comments

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