realized out loud to Beloved while climbing into bed ... a week from tonight, i won't be sleeping, i'll be freaking out. because it will be the night before the exam.

i can't form words. i'm trying to say things, but the words are jumbled. i was trying to say "proceed" and "persist" sort of at once, thinking they were the same word. i think beloved was worried about me.

now it's 12:25, and i can't sleep. since i can't sleep, i'm not going to use capitalization.

i was trying to get my mind of ademption by extinction and the $25K (plus some fraction of the rest) that a spouse gets through the elective share statute as compared with the $200K (plus some other fraction of the rest) that a spouse gets if their SO dies intestate.

i tried to think instead about the novel i finished last night ... using the excuse of a mock exam and a couple glasses of wine, i studied not (well, i did 2 essays) and instead, finished The Road.

thinking about that novel was depressing, and i didn't like doing that.

the brain switched.

no more substance. no common nuclei of operative facts, no 10 v. 20 v. 30 day time limits.

lets instead think about my schedule! oh yes. good idea.

tomorrow, i have to do 300 essays, note cards for 3 MA subjects (one of which being Corps, which makes me want to die, and will likely take 8 hours), and at least 8,000 PMBR questions. did i mention i have PMBR from 9 to 4?

can't you feel the sleep creeping in? ha.

then i think ... huh. once the exam is over, i'll likely start freaking out about my job at future firm. i wonder what i'll wear. we're going to be low on funds, and i'm [at least] 30 pounds down from the last time i put on a suit.

this weekend i tried on some pants that were my faves last summer. i liked them b/c they made me feel slim.

they are now clown pants. it's not just in the waist (looks like literally 6 inches of empty space) but also in the rise. is that what you call it? from the crotch of the pants to the waist? i had been thinking i could get my old stuff taken in ... but putting these pants on made me think, uh, not sure it's gonna work. hopefully, by the time i start work, i'll be a 10. i used to be a 16, and they were a wee tight. today, i'm a 12.

then i thought, 'shit,' somewhere in the past 6 weeks of insanity and stress, i had some form of communication from future firm. they said they wanted a photo. for the little orientation book. or something. i think it was back in may. i didn't give them one. they said if we don't give them one, they're just gonna use last summer's photo. last summer's sucked. i took it while on vacation, and i was in a hurry, and it was just horrible and i hated it being in the summer book. i want a good one now. i'm happier with how i look and how i photograph.

i do this at night. i think of the things i need to do. things like:

sign and send in the lease
figure out what to do with the cats while we're in europe
find new shoes for europe
write e-mails to people i have neglected
put away the laundry in the basket so i can remove Mount Launderest from next to my toilet and perhaps even
do laundry
get picture for future firm

at least this time (right there) i wrote it all down.

i think i'm trying to find some solace in this freak out. this is how: i am pretty sure i'm going to pass the bar exam. i know what i have to do this week, and i feel capable of doing it. it's just a LOT, and in between, i'm going to freak out. if i didn't think i could pass, it would be some other kind of freak out. not this kind. not the "words no longer form propectly and the brain doesn't work unless it's reviewing the test for when a confession of a co-defendant can be used in court."

i'm also going to start suffering from PMS. I'm guessing by Friday, the PMS, and by Sunday, the .... M. being the 7-day gal that i am, it means that i will be mid-M during the bar exam.

i know, i know. i'm repeating myself. but i just typed that word "preating" instead of repeating, and it wasn't b/c it was a typo, it was because in my head, i said "preating." b/c i can't talk.

and now i can't sleep? shit.

Labels: bar prep, stress

posted by Zuska @ 12:23 AM

2 Comments:

At Wednesday, July 18, 2007 3:39:00 PM, Beanie said…

Wow, The Road depressed the hell out of me too and I wasn't even studying for the Bar.
At Wednesday, July 18, 2007 9:13:00 PM, Harmless Error said…

Just be thankful that even though you won't be able to sleep, you'll still be in your own bed. It's much worse when you're in a hotel room in another city which you actually kind of splurged for because you wanted to be comfortable and then they have a fucking fire alarm go off at 2am. True story. But I still passed. And so will you.