I left off where things were quiet. I honestly do not remember more than that. Until around September, so 6 or 7 months after I found out about the $25,000 being from the Professor, and not from the school.

To fill in -- when I was told about the $25,000, Ex told me that he did not know for certain that the $$ was from the professor until soon before, but that he had an inkling for a long time. he said that when he went to pick up the first disbursement check, it was actually 2 checks comprising the first half of the $$, and something about the manner of the transaction felt "off." he said at that point, he feared the worst.

I do not believe him. I think he knew all along. he is a taker. He will take anything that he thinks people can or will spare. I know that he went to the 'wealthy' members of his church (his mother's church) before law school, and asked them if they could help finance his education. I think that's weird. But it's also an indication that he had no problem taking money from anyone who he could get it from. he also was very big on asking me to pick up the phone to call my parents for help. I fully believe that he took that money from the professor knowingly and without remorse, guilt, or trepidation.

His father was making payments, Thing One was getting older. Around her first birthday, there was a quick flare up. We received a call from a sherriff or the police or something, saying that they got a phone call from the Professor, and that she said it was an emergency that the Ex call her. I believe this was because he was ignoring her phone calls. This was still pre-e-mail enough that the phone was the major form of communication. Phones which were attached to walls --- not phones in the pocket.

that day, we changed our phone number to an unlisted one. Probably within the month, I ended up pregnant with Thing Two. We were Moving On.

This is mostly the end of the story. There were times over the next few years that she would call, or she would email him. One time was during the demise of our marriage. This email came to me. The subject line said it was for him, but it was to my account. In it, she said something about him needing to deal with the fall out of their time together, and that he needed to make things right by Enrique. I don't have ANY CLUE who that is, but the implication was, and has been acknowledged many times as such by the Ex, that they had a child together.

When he was in law school (when she was actually his professor) rumors had gone around that she was pregnant. then that she had gone up to D.C. to get an abortion (was Alabama that backward?) I remember him telling me this "rumor" in an odd manner.

I do not know if it is something at all based in reality, but I do wonder if they have a child together. If so, it would likely be older than Thing One. So odd.

While we were breaking up, he told me more things about that time. he told me that he used to leave school at 8 p.m., and then go to a pay phone, and talk to her on the phone for hours. He also told me that she spent several weeks (months?) in berkeley around the time that i found that poem in his bag. He told me that she had been calling his department at school, and leaving dozens of messages, and it being embarassing, and so he had to keep calling her, and he had to let her be in town.

He also told me that while he was still in law school, she kissed him. and that the whole thing started b/c they had shared stories about childhood molestation with each other. and that was the reason for the connection, not a sexual relationship. he never had told me any such story, and continued to refuse to tell me. [actually, this came up way before the demise of our relationship]. I still don't know what it is he shared with her. That still bothers me, too. he told me that it was because "he couldn't trust me." I have NO CLUE what that was supposed to mean.

I know that since we separated, and he's been in the Middle of the Country, she's contacted him a few times. Once it was in a moment of clarity, where she gave him a list of conferences she was intended to participate in, asking him not to. Other times were more of the old harassment. He has called me to let me know that if the girls needed to talk to him, we needed to email, b/c he was leaving his phone unplugged.

He called me about a week ago. It seemed to be that he wanted to discuss the girls' summer trip, and perhaps Thing Two's birthday. But then he nervously started in with, "I think you should know something, and I'm sure it won't amount to anything, but I think I should tell you, and it's probably best that you're prepared ...." but that She had emailed him again, and it was a long and rambling message that ended with a threat that if he does not respond, she will contact me.

I asked him if she knows that we're divorced. Why would she contact ME? I don't care anymore. Call me! Tell me you had an affair with my husband. Tell me that you are raising his 10 or 11 year old child. I don't care!! he said no - she definitely knows that we're divorced. I asked him WHY would I still be the threat? Why would she be holding onto ME as the bait? She should call his mother (who knows NOTHING of this story) or his fiance/girlfriend (who I just found out knows NOTHING of this story). He implied that she had good reason to still contact me. I have no idea what that good reason is.

OH!! I forgot something important.

Not only had she always been threatening to contact me (and at one point, his mother) - but she was also threatening to tell the academic community that he plagerized her work. That the help she gave him during his first semester of his Ph.D. was not help - but rather, him stealing her work, and that, basically, his entire Ph.D. is her stolen work. She has been threatening to ruin his name in the academic community.

There have been times that I wished she would.

People know she's a little bit flipped her lid, though, and I'm not sure how much credit they'd give her.

This recent "threat" that she's going to contact me, however, is what has this on my mind again. When he told me about it, the following exchange took place:

Him: This is so frustrating. Everytime i think that this is over, and i can put it behind me, she pops back up again.
Me: I think it's appropriate. I think you deserve this.
Him: You know, I probably do. Not for the reasons you think, but I probably do.
Me: Even if the only thing you did was take her money, you deserve this.
Him: [laugh] I think you're right.
Me: You made your bed, and now you have to lie in it.
Him: [laugh] appropriate metaphor.

Even though it may be hard to prove proximate cause, I fully blame my divorce on this situation. The fact that once the mess ended, we stayed married, had another child, and moved across country together twice may lead some (him) to say that it had nothing to do with the end of our marriage. but that's not true. she was always between us. Our life was always something molded by her. There was also always the threat of her coming back. There was always the erosion of trust, the questions, and the doubt. This was the FOUNDATION of our marriage.

Geez, the first 2 little pigs thought THEIR houses were weak!!!

[the end].

posted by Zuska @ 11:12 PM

3 Comments:

At Monday, May 29, 2006 9:01:00 PM, Filch said…

I believe it was Nietzsche who said, "That which does not kill us, pisses us off." (Or maybe it was the First Little Pig.)

Congratulations on shaking the crazy people from your life.
At Tuesday, May 30, 2006 3:10:00 PM, ES said…

One thing I have noticed about men who cheat is the reluctance to tell the woman they are "officially" with the whole story. My ex used to always hint around that there were things I didn't know, or that there were just mysterious parts of his past that I couldn't know which led him to seek out this other woman. I felt like he lied when he didn't have to, and always wanted to shroud himself in mystery.
At Thursday, June 01, 2006 11:14:00 PM, Mieke said…

That is some story.