I was married for about 6 months when Schlurg decided to take a less traditional law school class. His professor was a new one, a woman. He was talking about her a lot pretty quickly, and the way he was talking about her led to the following conversation one day:

Him: Professor ___ this, and Professor ____ that, and then Professor ____ said this, and then she did that, and then I said to her this, and she said to me that I'm so smart, that she can't believe I'm not at YALE, and that she thinks I should teach.
Me: How old is Professor _____?
Him: Oh, she's OLD. Like ... 40?
Me: What does she look like?
Him: Um, the only thing that really stands out about her is she has really big earlobes.
Me: What?
Him: Yeah, i'm not sure if it's b/c she always wears big earrings, and they've stretched them out, or if she wears big earrings to cover up her big earlobes.

For some time after that, I was okay with things. We were married only 6 months, so we were "in love" (right?). And he said she was old. FORTY something.

Next semester, she asked him to co-author an article with her. Things got a bit sticky after that. Not all memories are clear (this was, after all, about 11 years ago). I remember at one point, we went to her house for a dinner party, and she cornered me and the following exchange happened:

Her: I'm working on convincing your husband to get his Ph.D. and teach ... I'm sure that would put a wrench in your plans.
Me: I'm sorry, my "plans?"
Her: Well, he won't be a rich lawyer if he gets his Ph.D., i'm sure that will be very hard for you.
Me: I guess you weren't aware, but law students don't get paid -- he wasn't making money when we got married, and he's not making money during our marriage. Obviously, that's fine with me.
Her: hahahahahahaha. We'll see.

From here, everything went seriously down hill. He was gone all the time - at her house. Working on the article. She called our house constantly. I was less and less comfortable with the situation. I hated to broach it with him, b/c I knew it made me come off as a jealous wife. But I honestly am NOT the jealous type, and as things unfolded, my instincts were spot-on. But his response was one of condescension, of dismissal, and of rudeness. He would say things like, "well, if you had any real academic experience, you would know that THIS is the way that true student/professor relationships are supposed to be." He would also say things like, "it's so nice to be in the presence of a truly intelligent woman." She was sooooo intellectually stimulating.

One Saturday morning, at about 6:45 a.m., our phone rang. It was (guess!) her. She said something, Schlurg's face fell, and he got up and got dressed. I asked where he was going. he said he had to go meet her. i asked why. he said he did not know. I said it was wholly inappropriate for her to be calling him at 6:45 a.m., on a Saturday and insisting that he go meet her. He said that she wouldn't ask if it weren't necessary.

He returned at noon, and sat me down for a "talk." [he said] She had called him into her office to tell him that a classmate of his was "spreading a rumor" that professor _____ and he were having an affair. She thought that he should hear about it from her. I don't know what happened during the other 5 hours and 10 minutes that he was gone. i questioned the wisdom in responding to a supposedly unfounded accusation with more fuel for the accusations (i.e., a one on one meeting in a professor's office at 7 a.m. on a saturday). he told me i was dumb, in so many words.

I guess my 22 year old self then decided to lay down some "ground rules." Schlurg knew that this was a really crappy situation for me. His classmates knew me, I had gone to events and functions - and they knew of this rumor. I said that from now on, I did not want her calling the house. i did not want them alone together. That it was unfair for me to end up looking so damned STUPID (ha! little did i know).

He said okay.

one week later, he called me at work to apologize that he just wasn't able to say no - she had asked to take him to lunch to celebrate something or other - what did i expect him to say? "my wife won't let me"? I feel as though they must have run into someone they knew at the restaurant, and he was afraid it would have gotten back to me ... why else would he have called?

In the meantime, he was applying to Ph.D. programs. I was devestated. See, at this point, Thing One was baking. My belly was growing. I was 22 years old. he was applying to Yale (which he did not get into), and to U.C. She wanted him in U.C. She had an old professor there that she wanted him to study under. She wrote letters to both places. I said I didn't see how he could start a Ph.D. program immediately after law school, with me 8 months pregnant at the point he was to start.

Small amount of context: I was still a born-again Christian. he already was shedding it, but was not honest with me about how much. We had already been looking at churches other than the Southern Baptist, but hadn't found a place we were comfortable. But were still immersed enough that it was a given when I got pregnant that I would NOT be working when the baby was small. I got pregnant after he accepted a job at a firm. He was due to start before the baby was to be born.

We talked about it, and I cried to my mother on the phone, and she suggested I pray about it. The Bad Lady had told Schlurg that there was "fellowship money" available at UC, and since it was a public school, it would be affordable. So I prayed that God let his will be known --- if we were "meant to go" - then we would get a fellowship. If we did not, then we could discern that it was not God's will for us to move to California.

I told Schlurg that this was the way I felt. That we could not up and go to California with me 8 months pregnant without some kind of financial security. He said okay, and I guess he called the Bad Lady and let her know "our position."

The $$ and the baby weren't the only issues, of course. There was this other woman pushing MY husband down HER chosen path for HIS life. It was very very difficult to watch. he had just come off a summer where he'd split b/t two firms, gotten offers at both, done good work, and was happy with the people he was to work with. And this woman was able to completely derail all of the things that he had planned - that we had planned. Mostly (as I saw it at the time) through flattery. She heaped the praise on him like there was no tomorrow. How intelligent he was, how gifted, how he was "meant" for this line of work. How it was his destiny - he was one of the chosen few. Practically like he was Aristotle. I hated taht she was driving him.

one week later, we received a letter that Schlurg received a $25,000 fellowship for the first year of his studies.

I was also told at this point that it was a masters program, and that he was just deferring his job for a year. He later told me that it is what the Bad Lady told him, and that he was shocked to find out that there was in fact, no masters program for this area (which i cannot share due to the field being quite small), and that he had actually enrolled in a 6+ year Ph.D. Program. He told me the day I arrived in our home in California. We all know what that's like, right? You enroll thinking one thing, and LOW AND BEHOLD!!! I had no idea that law school was 3 years!! I thought this was a 6 month certification program!! Everybody does that, right?

I was 22. I was 8.2 months pregnant with this boy's child. So yes, I believed him. All around.

Another small amount of context: Schlurg went to college with me. He went to law school at a 4th tier school, and he had a C average. He was/is very smart, but most of law school wasn't clicking for him. But then he took that ... and he was one of 5 admits to a really phenominal program. Of hundreds of applications around the country - he was one of 5. Why? b/c of the Bad Lady. She made a call to a professor who owed her favors on a personal level, and who was on the admissions committee. Schlurg would never have gotten into that program without her. Once there, he did excel, and he did do well. But he wouldn't have had the chance on his own.

Approximately two weeks after we arrived, Schlurg was at school, and I was home setting up the baby's room. the mail came. It was one of the high points of my day. I knew no one in CA, I did not know the area. I was lonely as HELL. he was up and gone by 7, and often not home until 11. We didn't have cable. It was 1996 ... we didn't yet have internet (we got it soon after, though). So yeah, the mail was the high point of my day. Yes, I was pathetic.

In the mail was an envelope from our bank. I opened it. It was a joint account -- I had that right. Inside the envelope was a check, which had bounced. It was a check which he had deposited. A $500 check. She had written it to him, and he had deposited it, but then pulled cash. She had actually post-dated the check, but he didn't pay attention to that, so it bounced. I also found out later she had sent cash along with it.

For one afternoon, I saw this as confirmation of all my worst fears. Confirmation that he was having an affair with her. Confirmation that all the condescension and rottenness that he had inflicted on me was all a cover for his inappropriate behavior. I remember that I could not breathe. I was due to give birth to his child. I was 3000 miles away from my family, I knew no one, and I had this THING in my hand.

I decided that I would go home to my parents. We had already "named" Thing One, but I decided I would not use that name - I would move back east, choose a new name, and raise her on my own. I would spend time with her while she was young, and then I would go to law school, and when I was ready, I would move out of my parents' house, and my child and I would be more than fine.

But then Schlurg got home, and asid that the only reason he hadn't told me about the $$ she sent was b/c I was so bad with money, he felt that he needed a safety net, and that's what this was providing. He didn't know why she sent it, but he thought she just felt bad that we were there b/c of her, and things were so expensive.

So i said okay. i listened to that. I never saw the $$. The cash nor the $$ from the check. I think that she (who was also married, and had a 3 year old daughter) also got in trouble for this little transfer of funds, b/c things only got worse from here, although there was a few months respite in between.

I'll try to pick it up tomorrow. Stay tuned for extortion, stalking, threats, and tales of the fear I had for the safety of myself and my child.

posted by Zuska @ 9:49 PM

3 Comments:

At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 1:02:00 AM, The Marpepps! said…

Wow Zus, this is amazing. I'm so glad you're telling your story.

I can't wait for the next installment!
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 10:07:00 PM, ES said…

Wow...guess we've all got one in our past, huh??
At Thursday, June 01, 2006 11:07:00 PM, Mieke said…

Jesus! What a story. You impress me more every day with your strength and determination.