When I am at school, I have to be aware of how I relate to my friends. Reason? B/c my life is so intensley different than theirs, that they just kind of ... can't relate. CANNOT. There have been times in my past where I've gotten along with people and had a good time with people who WILL NOT relate to the fact that I have children, and I have certain responsibilities, but in school, I don't feel like there's a refusal, but rather a lack of ability. Law school is so intense, and so many people are in the same boat, it's hard to remember that there's any other boats in the ocean, let alone right alongside. While they're worrying about where Bar Review is this weekend, or if going to visit their boyfriend in New York for a week will screw them over in Fed Courts; I'm wondering if softball games will be rained out, rushing home to have dinner with my family, and wondering if I can afford to pay the babysitter with the remainder of my loan money. They're fielding phone calls and IMs from people wondering what time they're meeting at a bar, or at the gym, or at the tanning salon (I can't believe people still DO that); I'm fielding phone calls from the school nurse about ear aches, or trying to work things out with Beloved to figure out who will pick the girls up from childcare at 6 p.m.

Today, I was walking across the street to go to Walgreens after dropping Thing One off at school before the choral performance. She had to be there early to prepare, and beloved and Thing Two were meeting up with me a bit later. I decided to get my mother a card for this Hallmark Hell Day. While I was waiting for the Walk sign, I saw a woman across the street. She was pushing a child in a stroller - the child was probably between 12 and 18 months, and had super wispy blond hair (like mine did). She went around to the front of the stroller, and knelt down to talk to/smile at/play with the kid. It looked so familiar, and I remembered that there were days when I would do the same. Kids don't really like strollers. I'm sure they feel really far away from their mom/dad/caretaker, and maybe kind of lonely? I know Thing Two hated being in a stroller. I had this big double stroller when she was a baby, and ended up having Thing One in it alone all the time, carrying Thing Two so she would stop screaming about being in the stroller.

When the light turned and I crossed the street, I passed the woman, and she was singing - loudly - The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round, Round and Round, Round and Round ....

To me, the fact that I used to be in her place that *I*, Zuska, used to walk down the street, pushing a stroller, singing goofy toddler songs --- it made me feel as if i've been reincarnated. That I used to be one thing, and now i'm another. i cannot imagine myself being that self. my kid are now at the stage where they sing songs i have taught them (for example, "It's the End of the World As We Know It" is a family song. As is Dido's White Flag ... for us it's funny b/c we always think the line "put my hands up and surrender" actually says "poke my eyes out and surrender" - so for us, it's the "Poke My Eyes Out Song.") They don't have me singing songs from Barney and from Raffi tapes. Not anymore.

I probably was less That Mom than I remember. I did used to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to the kids all hte time - but our favorite lullaby was an Annie Lennox song "Beautiful Child."

Other than songs, I see the way that people relate to babies and toddlers as completely other worldly. The open mouthed head-wagging smiley face that people give babies. "Hello!! How are youuuuuuuu??? are you a happy baby? Who's a happy baby????" That was me? It probably was me. Babies respond to that. Who doesn't want their baby to respond to them? I have a close friend who so strongly feels that she should never do "baby talk" with her kids - that htey should be spoken to as she would speak to ANY person. But babies are still babies - and she talks to her baby in that above manner. She'll probably quit before the child's one - but i saw her do it when the baby was 3 months old!!

Why is this so foreign to me? I have been there. It was a large part of my life. Yet when I witness interactions, or see photographs - I am almost reeling to think that I used to be a part of that species. The species that takes care of tiny teeny children. And relates to them.

Probably just as much as some women at school look at me, and think that perhaps one day, they'll be a member of MY species, and wonder how that can possibly be true? how can they ever become the person who has to worry about 4 different schedules, and put the development, health and education of others above their own. (I only say this b/c so many people have said to me "I can't even have a CAT while I'm in law school, I can't imagine how you do it!" Sometimes, instead of cat, it's a plant. I am not implying that I find all people without children to be selfish. I certainly know of about a billion who aren't.)

*** editing to share that I just realized that when my kids were little, and we would sometimes go to playgrounds at neighborhood elementary schools, I would watch people with older children -- I don't even think these older children were elementary school age. I think they were 3 and 4, while I had a 1 and 2 year old, or mine were 1 month and 21 months - and I felt like it was sooooo far in my future - for my kids to have clearly their OWN style, their own preferences, to have more refined personalities - not to mention to be able to walk to the playground at my side, rather than being pushed or carried. Those women - the women with much more independent children - seemed to me other worldly, then.

I know that not all women have or want children, and that these considerations don't apply to every woman. But I can't help but to wonder - does this happen to ANY men? Is there ever a feeling of such disconnect from men in other phases of life? It seems to me that women who do choose to have children have these very distinct and different life phases -- revolving around said children.

posted by Zuska @ 10:31 PM

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