parens binubus

more than you want to know about a law school graduate/bar examinee who is also raising two children and doing her best at being a partner to her love.

law students
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  • Saturday, May 12, 2007
    The Unfairness of Me
    Yeah, a study break.

    My Beloved is really an amazing man. He is very thoughtful - he thinks about things that most men do not think about. He is very considerate, in that he considers me, my personality, my strengths and my weaknesses in most decisions that he makes. Some of my faults frustrate the shit out of him, and he wants to change them -- i.e., my propensity to fling my keys into a pile of crap, then add more crap to the pile, then push the pile to the ground, and then have a frantic hour of searching for keys the next morning on hte way out the door ... often to find that I removed them from the pile of crap and placed them in my bag, where they belonged in the first place. He wants me to just put my keys in the same place every time I walk in the door, and then I will never have to look for them, and always know where they are. I think that's sort of alienesque behavior ... and I am not that interested in it. Although, in all honesty, I haven't lost my keys in a long time, and I do typically put them on the little stand-thing by the door now. But many of my other faults, he suffers through, and works around. Like my ability to do "other things" in the morning until it's too late to pack a lunch ... he packs my lunch for me now, and will even go so far as to put it in my bag so I don't forget.

    He is really great.

    When I started law school, I was not at my ideal weight. Mostly due to a couple of injuries and a decrease in free-time because of single motherhood and my entry into a full-time workforce. But over the 3 years that I was in that situation, I didn't gain too-too much weight. Maybe 15 - 20 pounds (yeah, to some, that's too-too much weight. I don't come from one of those families. I have an aunt who has .... uh, 215 pounds to lose. And I'm really not kidding. She's 5'2" and weighs 35o pounds.)

    Beloved said not a WORD. He did not show any lack of attraction to me, he did not make any disparaging comments [like X would have], and there was no reduction in affection, compliments - nothing.

    Then came law school.

    I was stressed. I had no time to exercise. I found refuge in ice cream. So I put on more weight. (damn me.)

    Still ... Beloved said nothing. Same thing with the whole consistency of our relationship and his kindness and lovingness.

    Now I'm losing this stupid weight. It's coming off relatively steadily right now, and my smaller clothes that were put away are back out, and loose.

    I get frustrated, because Beloved says almost nothing. I suppose I've whined and wheedled enough that he does now say SOME - but he isn't all "OH MY GOD YOU'VE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT YOU LOOK SO HOT LETS HAVE SEX 24 HOURS A DAY!!" And I have pouted a couple times over this.

    But I recognize that it is unfair. The fact that he is so damned accepting is something that I treasure and love and recognize as a gift that the universe has given me out of kindness.

    If he were to go on and on and on about the shrinking-ness of me, then doesn't it take away from the acceptance of the NOT shrinking me who was here a few months ago? I think it would. And if my battle with my family history is something that continues to require my full focus and I one day have to give that focus to something else - or if I were to get injured again, and can't continue with the exercise ... don't I want to feel like the consistent love and acceptance of Beloved still exists? I don't want to look back and say, "oh, but he was so happy when I lost that weight, and now I'm gaining it back, and perhaps I have to once again feel like I don't live up to my husband's expectations [other husband] and that our relationship is bound up in our physical appearances and that my life sucks."

    No. I don't want that.

    I am grateful and happy that my desire to rediscover my healthy zone was not necessary to my husband/love's respect and appreciation of me.

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    posted by Zuska @ 4:16 PM  
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