i have a cousin who has been planning on getting married for at least 2 years now. she's set quite a few dates (or at least has talked to my mother about quite a few dates), and then changed her mind -- for up to 6 months in the future. she talked about doing her wedding on a cruise, then in the Keys, then at a casino, then in her back yard, then back to the Keys, etc., etc.

at one point in October, i think, my mother spoke to me about the fact that the wedding was going to happen, and about the fact that she really doesn't think kids will be invited to the wedding. i said that was fine, that we have family from the *other* side of the family tree that won't be going to the wedding, who perhaps can watch the Things at my folks' house. i said it may be fun to go to a wedding as a non-mom.

well, recently - in early April, i was speaking with my mother about the girls' softball schedule, and how busy everything gets with their school in May and June, and how throwing my summer associate position into the mix is going to be stressful, and i hope we can pull it all off. she said, "well, you will be coming to C's wedding on June 3, right?" and i said, "i have no idea what you're talking about - i have not gotten an invitation for a wedding" and she said, "well, C just puts things off until the last minute, but I told you what day it was, and you really can't not be there." and i said, "mom, you mentioned like 50 dates for this thing, and as far as i know, there STILL isn't a date." She said no, "this is the only date there ever was." whatever.

then, about 3 or so weeks ago, my mom says, "I got C's wedding invitation today, did you?" no, i had not.

Then about 2 days later, my sister (in California ..... C lives in CT, and I live in MA) said "I got my invitation to C's wedding today." I still hadn't gotten mine.

This isn't that big of a deal - C and my sis are hte same age, and were always close. i wasn't that close with her. my parents live near her, and they dealt with things together when my Uncle died (and C was the executrix of the estate) and I was in CA. My brother and C have been really close, b/c they both have this feeling of the Power of the Blood. But C and I really aren't that close. We get along very well when we see each other, and we've hung out together when I'm in CT, but I wouldn't say there's a super-strong bond.

If I were invited to the wedding, I would probably go. This is my father's side of the family, and there's very few of us who are still alive. My dad used to be the oldest of 5, and now he's the oldest of 2, with no parents. The tragedy has been peppered throughout his life ... a constant trickle. She also did just go through HELL with my uncle's estate, and all of us nieces and nephews benefited from it, and none of us had any responsibilities associated with the thousands he left each of us --- except her. she is a very nice, gracious, fun person who i have a lot of respect for.

but i didn't get an invitation.

i'll give you ONE GUESS as to what happens next.

My mother emails her. "Oh, C, I'm sure this is no big deal or anything, but did you mean to invite Zuska to the wedding, b/c she hadn't gotten an invitation yet." C responds that "OH MY GOODNESS! my biggest fear was that the invitations would get lost in the mail! i can't believe it! i have this _____________ for her address, is it right?" it was. "if it doesn't come in the next couple of days, i'll send another one out right away." it doesn't come. Miss Helpful [sarcasm] writes again and says, "Zuska still didn't get an invitation, maybe you should just send it to ME, and i'll forward it on to her." C says she'll put two more in the mail, one to my mother, and one to me directly.

C doesn't call me. she doesn't email me. just my mother. it's been 1.5 weeks since and i still haven't gotten one. furthermore, i my mother asked me "oh, did you get the shower invitation?" uh, no. i did not get a shower invitation. (good thing, b/c it's the same weekend as Thing Two's play and the weekend before I start work, and the weekend after exams and, of course, a softball weekend.) My mother tried to insist that I go to the shower, too. despite my lack of invitation.

At first i figured it really did get lost in the mail. but then i started thinking about how long it's been, and about how usually (in my family) the shower list is the same as the wedding list, and i just "happened" to be missing BOTH invitations? I'm starting to think I'm really just not invited.

If my mother keeps pushing it --- how comfortable should i be going? Should i be assuming i'm not invited at this point? I mean, i think this is really weird. and i'm not comfortable. my mother is APPALLED with me for not "understanding" that this is just "one of those things" that happens with every wedding. How could I possibly think of not going? C will be so HURT if I don't go!!!

In the background of all the wedding stuff is a continuation of my annoyance with my mother. i just feel like she needs to stop acting on my behalf in everything. people who know her and know me just see this is the default - something to talk to me about, and they just tell my mother, trusting it will get passed on. I didn't get to be 33 years old with 2 kids of my own to be treated as if i am a charge of my mother in all family relations. People have come to expect this. I had no problem with this when I was in California and was so far removed from the extended family realm (and obligations were few, b/c of the understanding that the distance created barriers). But now that I'm back on this coast, and more of an active part of the family-at-large, I feel like I'm bit by bit wrestling my business out of my mother's hands. I had to have a very serious conversation with her about getting OUT of my relationship with my brother, in an attempt to keep the hostility and resentment b/t he and I to a minimum.

In the meantime, I am not sure what to do about this wedding. Beloved suggests that I write C myself, but I am not sure what to say - and I know that no matter WHAT I say - she would *never* admit to an intention not to invite me now that my mother has made it so very clear that it was expected.

I am at a wee bit of a loss.

*** Update to the Woes --- I found an old email from C which indicates that I am truly invited (it was from a long time ago - November?) - so I wrote her myself and cleared things up. Feeling better now - but still in a state of constant frustration with the womb that expelled me. Maybe I need therapy.

posted by Zuska @ 7:08 PM

0 Comments: