my last post got me thinking about my previous life as a stay-at-home mom when my Things were small. At the time, I would have truly died rather than gone to work after my kids were born. Yet, in some ways, I think parts of me did die .... although it probably could have been salvaged with something less than full time work.

It is hard to separate out in my mind what amount of my unhappiness/lack of fulfillment came from my stay-at-home motherness, and what amount came from my unhappy marriage. However, since that time in my life, I have had ocassion to have some time off (although not much), and i really found myself falling into the same patterns and feelings after one or two days.

I really did lack direction, and purpose. I wasn't good at keeping up with the house, at least not to the ex's standards, and i felt like a failure. i did all the "right things" with the kids - we went to the library story hour every week, they had gymnastics classes, we read like fiends, they helped me cook, etc. But I always felt like I just had to "get through" each day. I was very short on patience, and I don't think I was as good of a mom as I think I could have been.

Yet, I wouldn't have let it go. I suppose I could have gone to work - although the stories about childcare costs being prohibitive are very true - and since my two children were 20 months apart, any figure had to be multiplied by 2. I was also attached enough, at that point, to the fundamentalist ideology of my mother and ex's mother, that i already was feeling guilty that i planned on going to school when Thing 2 hit kindergarten - instead of homeschooling the children. Let alone going to work? That was considered, by those very close associations of ours at the time, greed, selfishness, and bad parenting to the nth degree.

My divorce moved things along approximately 1.5 years sooner than what was my plan. Thing Two went into full time child care when she was almost 4. Thing One was already kindergarten age when the changes happened.

Now that I am essentially working full-time and thensome, i am happier than I've been in forever. I believe that I'm a better mother. i believe that my children are happier. I believe that we have really good and healthy balances. The girls are able to watch priorities be set - they are able to see that yes, there's work, and there's school, but there's also softball, and plays, and practice, and birthday parties and games and dinner together 99.9% of the time where we enjoy telling "stories" from our days, and there's game night, and there's together time, and -- there is, truly, balance. Not complete sacrifice, no. But I believe that complete sacrifice, when it is truly sacrifice (i.e., not someone who is really HAPPY doing the things I was not) is not all that healthy or beneficial to the family unit or those who comprise it.

I know there are people who are much happier than I was as a stay at home mother. but for me, it wasn't there. I love my children dearly, and I love spending time with them. It was certainly NEVER that i didn't want to spend time with them, or be with them. Perhaps the perfect solution would have been if I could have gone to school on a part-time basis. My specific situation didn't allow for that - the ex was getting his Ph.D., and we couldn't have done it (i don't think) with 2 small children and BOTH OF US in school. i did work throughout that time (contract paralegal and transcription services for professors, students, and arbitrators), but the nature and schedule of that fed into the problems, rather than a solution.

I am hopeful that i can continue to find the right balance as school wraps up and work starts. i have no more of a desire to give up the balance for the sake of work than i did for the sake of being home all the time. I've talked to plenty of people who have made it work - men and women - while working in law firms. and also of plenty who really struggled. One woman who I interviewed with during OCI had been sent to Los Angeles by her (Boston) firm for 6 weeks. She had a 3 year old and a baby. And she had to leave. The most i'd be willing to give in a like situation is 2 weeks - b/c that would be me working out my 2 weeks' notice. The woman was almost in tears telling me about it (in an INTERVIEW!!).

i am very wary as to what's to come. I find this impending summer associate stint quite overwhelming for that very reason - a glimpse into the reality - trying to keep my eyes open enough to see past the lines that are given. And, according to this Wall Street Journal article, I won't be the only one!

posted by Zuska @ 2:27 PM

1 Comments:

At Friday, May 05, 2006 2:24:00 PM, The Marpepps! said…

I don't think it will be a problem. From everything I've come to know about you, you've always done an amazing job balacing and keeping your priorities right.