today, i am a terrible person. my stress level is relatively high - 90% of which is because I am having people over tonight for the first time in a VERY long time for the book group that I am involved in with Thing Two. I have been working for MONTHS to get the house in order (using this gathering as a goal to get things in order that were OUT of order for way too long), and I'm quite stressed over it. I have to leave school immediately after classes, run up to Whole Foods (which is past my house from school, and I'm on the bike, and it's raining freaking elephants and hogs) to get dessert for the group. But not just any dessert, I need to get gluten free desserts, b/c one of the girls has a wheat allergy ... as well as a chocolate allergy ... as well as an apparent lactose intolerance.

then i need to go home, and vacuum, wipe down the bathroom and the kitchen counters, make hte girls' beds look pretty, and close my bedroom door. beloved is bringing the girls home around 6, and I will have approximately 15 minutes to get Thing Two fed, and Thing One ready to walk out the door b/c at 6:15, one of the girls' mom is coming to drop off her 2nd grader, and then give Beloved, Thing One and her older daughter a ride to where they're going to dinner - Beloved and Thing One would happily walk (despite the elephants and hogs coming out of the sky), but the guest belongs to a 2-car family, and would just as soon drown in a pond than walk in the rain.

the result of this stress? I am a B-I-T-C-H. Thing One was the only one who escaped my wrath this a.m. it took her 9 years to figure it out, but she's consistently doing as she's told, when she's told as of late. Thing Two, however, is not. NOT NOT NOT. I tell her "i am toasting your bagel, you go brush your hair, get your things in your backpack, and then come back and eat." Her bagel toasts. I take a few minutes before I slather on the cream cheese b/c I'm busy, I get the cream cheese on, and I have to call her from her room.

Her hair isn't brushed. Her things aren't in her back pack. I have NO CLUE what she was doing in there for at least 10 minutes NO CLUE. Everything I told her to do - did not get done. To the point that we were 3/4ths of the way to school (with the rain at its hardest), and she realizes she didn't bring a change of shoes for gym (she had on a rain boots). Thing One was more than happy to walk the rest of the way on her own (since she's wanting more freedom to walk around our tiny little village lately, she was thrilled) while I trudged back home (bike, school books, giant heavy bag, and 8 year old, all in tow) to get the sneakers. She wanted me to just go home and get them for her - but I refused. I made her come. I gave her the option of either 1) coming to get the sneakers and being a few minutes later for school; or 2) sitting out of gym b/c she forgot her sneakers. I told her THREE TIMES to put those damned sneakers in her bag, and THREE TIMES she sort of wandered around getting nothing accomplished. If I went back home to get them, I would have had to park the bike, check in at the office, and track her down en route from classroom to gym. I had class at 8:30!! I didn't forget THREE TIMES to put her sneakers in her bag!!

I was not nice to her while she was ignoring everything I said. I was a meany-mom. I was able to take a moment before we left the hosue (before i knew she left the sneakers home) to give her a hug, and let her know that we could still have a good day - but it was definitely a more grouchy morning. In the end, we said we were going to make a plan for the future. We're going to make a checklist, and she will have to check items off the list each morning as she does them. The more things don't get checked off, or worse, done before we leave the house, the earlier I will wake her up the following day so she has more time to do it.

I have this thing about punishment -- i feel that it really needs to be focused on the problem that i'm trying to solve. I go for "problem solving" rather than punishment.

Let's see if Beloved can apply my theories to me. b/c that was the worst part of the morning. I had such irritation over Thing Two and the things in the house I had yet to get done, that I snapped his very kind, helpful head off. He had at one point said he was going to wash (not sweep, WASH) the floors for me before this book group. Well, our lives are pretty busy, and our lists of things to do is long. He didn't wash the floors. It's not the end of the world. The floors don't look that bad, and where they do, a quick (i.e., 2 second) spot clean with a wet rag will help before the group comes by tonight. But i had this stupid FIRE in my chest over all that was going on, and i gave him hell over the floors - right on his way out the door. i was decidedly NOT NICE - yet again. He paused for a second at the door, and I made a move to go and stop him, and apologize, but I justified not making that move by telling myself "he SAID he'd do the floors!!"

But honestly, the floors don't matter. He was on the way out the door, and there was nothing to be done at that point. So, I'm sad that I was a jerk.

And i got to school all soaking wet and my coat got damp all the way through (what the fuck does waterproof mean? if not "waterproof"? I don't get it). so i'm cold. and i had plans to do some research for My Judge during corporations, and the stupid wireless was down, so i couldn't do it. and i couldn't email Beloved to apologize for my wretchedness.

Shitty day.

(exams? i have exams? when?)

(a scary new job? i'm goign to start a scary new job? in three weeks? huh)

posted by Zuska @ 10:11 AM

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