parens binubus

more than you want to know about a law school graduate/bar examinee who is also raising two children and doing her best at being a partner to her love.

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  • Saturday, October 14, 2006
    Ex Issues
    I have the girls for Thanksgiving in "odd numbered years" and the Ex has them for "even numbered years." Further, I have them for Christmas in "even number years" and he has them in "odd number years."

    This is his year for Thanksgiving. Fine. We've already made arrangments.

    It is my year for Christmas, but he asked if he could have a few days during their week off. I looked at the calendar, and said fine - if we can work it out so they're back in time for New Year's Eve, b/c we have some fun and loved traditions around that day.

    I did not, however, talk to the girls first.

    When I did raise it with them, they went NUTS. They don't want to go for Thanksgiving. they don't want to go at Christmas, and come to think of it - they don't want to go for the summer, they're sick of going there ALL THE TIME, and they want some time to just stay home.

    E. actually put her foot down - she's not going. not at all.

    of course, her foot isn't big enough to really make much of an impact. much to her dismay.

    i told the ex that i actually am not going to force them to go visit him on a week that is mine - i asked him to talk to them about the trip, so that they could feel involved, and perhaps in that way, be more receptive.

    He said no. that if I don't want them go, then I should have the balls to say so directly to him - that I should not be using THEM to tell him no, and that there's no way in HELL he's asking their PERMISSION for them to see their FATHER.


    but today, E. continued her tirade over not going for Thanksgiving. I made it clear to her - she's going for Thanksgiving. she cried, and yelled, and cried, and said she's locking herself in her room - that she is NOT going, and he's NOT her dad. That if he was really her dad, he would at least tell her that he was going to get married, and he didn't, so he's NOT her dad, and she's NOT going. That if he were her DAD, he would care about her more than he cares about his work, and if he were her DAD, he would LISTEN to her when she talks to him, and not be mean to her, and not hang her sister upside down by her ankles and not tickle E. to the point of having a mark that lasted for weeks all because of cookies, and that if he were her DAD, he would care about her.

    i work SO HARD to stick up for him. It feels so counterintuitive. All I want to say to her is, "no shit!" Instead, I tell her taht she's not being fair to him, and that if she feels hurt and upset, she needs to talk with him. I suggested she write him an e-mail, letting him know how she feels (about his getting married, for one thing). She refuses.

    She is upset, I know, but she doesn't act like this when she's with him - so I don't know why now - about 2 months since she's seen him - she's having fits. She said she's supposed to spend Thanksgiving with her family, and that WE are her family, and she just wants to be here.

    I really am not sure what to do. There's nothing to do about Thanksgiving - he's not going to give it up, and I am not going to make it an issue - there's nothing BIG enough here to make an issue out of. If she was accusing him of some kind of child abuse - then sure, I'd make an issue, but I don't think that's waht we have here.

    But I have been toying with trying to get the summers shortened. That came up last night as well. The kids want to go to camp, they want to play with their friends, they want to do the library summer reading contest. J. said she wants to alternate summers .... I don't think that would work, b/c he's too far away, and it would sever any relationship they have with him. But I think a 3-4 week visit instead of a 6-8 week visit may be in order.

    I'm sorry that E. is so sad. I'm sorry that she's having issues with her father. I am not exacerbating the issues, but I'm also not surprised. She's a smart girl, and nothing she's said surprises me about him.
    posted by Zuska @ 3:03 PM  
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