uh. this is weird. first of all, this keyboard is brand new, and the keys have this really cool almost sandy texture. second of all, i don't have my bookmarks. third of all, i can't use google talk in the normal fashion. fourth of all, i no longer use Firefox, but now this Safari business.

fifth of all, this was my last day of work, and I no longer have Blackberry, and no longer will be fed amazing lunches on a daily basis and amazing dinners on a semi-regular basis.

sixth of all, the kids are coming home tomorrow!!!!

Every year, I worry that I won't be able to return to my Momma groove. Every year, I stress out and freak out, and generally cause a bit of a tizzy for myself. This year, I've been pretty consumed with work and such so that I've really only had passing moments to dedicate to the "how weird, soon, kids will live here again!" But now that work is OVER, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at cramming weeks of freak-out into one evening.

Seventh of all, it feels like either Fall in New England outside, or a sunny day in Berkeley at any time of year. I wish I could enjoy absolutely GORGEOUS weather (72 and sunny with ocassional fluffy puffy shadowy clouds) without having insane flashbacks to either 1) pregnancy and the resulting 24-hour-day nauseousness and puking that came along with OR 2) the period of time in which i was miserable in making the decision that my marriage was over. It's not a re-living of the actual thoughts or considerations - but rather the FEELING of conflict; the tumultuousness inside of me as the difficulties that were in front of me were realized.

I tried to take a moment to just close my eyes, and feel the cool breeze, and just let it be TODAY. To tell myself, "this is a cool late summer day in Boston, during law school, in my 33rd year." But it didn't work. Instead, I was searching backward, trying to picture the exact scene in California that the air was bringing me to. I decided it was walking through downtown Berkeley, kids in tow, on my way to the YMCA. A little more than 5 years ago? 6 years ago? I'm not sure.

Or it was when Thing One was approx 14 months old, and I was sooooo sick with Thing Two baking inside, and I would DRAG myself out of the house to take her for a walk. The weather was beautiful, but all I wanted to do was throw up. Ever since then, nice weather in Berkeley always made me have a slight feeling of nausea.

I don't want this to be the case. I want to enjoy TODAY.

posted by Zuska @ 6:07 PM

0 Comments: