parens binubus

more than you want to know about a law school graduate/bar examinee who is also raising two children and doing her best at being a partner to her love.

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  • Wednesday, January 31, 2007
    Trying to Heal
    I got hit with a nasty cold. I don't remember when - perhaps I said so on here, but I'm too lazy to go back and take a peek. Yesterday it was pretty nasty come 3 p.m., and I ended up leaving work at 4:30.

    It was weird leaving early ... I didn't know what to do. I don't have a "boss." There is the sort of liaison person who conducted my interview, but he isn't my "boss." I report to whoever gives me an assignment. My paycheck comes from accounting, and my time entry is monitored by the billing department - no boss.

    I have always worked in a support-staff capacity, and never had the freedom to sit and think to myself, "I came in early today; I've done all my work; there are no further expectations for me that MUST be done this afternoon. Therefore, I can take my sick self home and try to rest." I always had to ask permission.

    I did know yesterday that since I'd been there since 8 a.m., had not taken a "lunch break" per se, because at least one hour of my day was spent walking to and from the Federal Courthouse (3 times; 20 minutes per), and worked steadily the entire time -- I'd filled my eight hour "quota" that is required of me (not of billable time - just that I can account for). I knew that. I knew it was MORE than reasonable for me to go. Yet, I thought, "what if someone comes to look for me? And I'm not here? And they decide I'm a slacker, and report me to the Firm Administrator, and they decide to give me a lousy evaluation?

    So I called the liaison person, and his secretary answered his phone. I didn't know what to do - I felt stupid telling his secretary, "I don't feel good, but I came in really early, and so I'm going home." I did, though. She responded with an "uhhhhhhh, okay?" I somehow think that was worse than just going home.

    And I didn't stop there. The attorney in the office next to me "raised her eyebrows at me" [in quotes because that is a wacky Zuska-paranoid interpretation of "nodded in friendly acknowledgment"] as I walked by, so I stopped and asked her that if anyone asks after me, to let them know I was feeling like crap, and took some work home.

    I did actually take work home. But I didn't work on it. I played Spyro the Dragon instead. He he he.

    I am, most definitely, in every sense of the word, a dork.

    I headed toward bed at 10, and then got the bright idea that I should take some Tylenol PM. In the back of my mind, as I was deciding it, and going to get it, there was an itsy bitsy voice saying "it may have the opposite effect; it may have the opposite effect" - but I ignored it.

    Therefore, I fell asleep -- on the couch -- at approximately 12:30 a.m. I woke again at 4 a.m. (which is my typical reaction to p.m. cold medicines - I wake up when they wear off) and couldn't fall back to sleep.

    I woke up feeling like my head was full of toxic snot. The type of toxicity that would make someone feel sort of dizzy, and not really coherent. That was me.

    By the time I got to work, though I was okay. I had one moment where I had to leave the trial and head to the bathroom to keep the snots from filling the courtroom -- I'm sure they would not have liked that.

    I never hit a point today that I felt as bad as I did yesterday, but I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

    For some reason, that feeling of un-perfect-ness led me into a store to see what their ice cream choices were. This is pretty damned typical. I don't feel good, I want to eat my faves. This store had my fave Ben & Jerry's.

    I haven't had ice cream in weeks, and have been making a concerted effort to eat healthy for twice as long. I've been doing pretty well with that endeavor. And today I came home with ice cream? Damn.
    posted by Zuska @ 6:24 PM  
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