Emz came to talk to me last night (at 11 p.m.!! Jet lag sucks!). Despite our agreement to table the issue of beloved and I getting married, she was ready to discuss it, and to explain her feelings.

turns out she was very afraid that if Beloved and I get married - we open up the possibility for divorce. She said she is very frightened by that, b/c there is thus far nothing tying both of us to this area. She's afraid that we'd get divorced, and then one of us would go back to California, and she'd never get to see Beloved anymore.

also turns out she was pissed off at schlurg for getting married on the sly. she felt that the fact that he asked his New Wife to marry him, and 2 weeks later they ran to Vegas, meant that they were trying desperately to either sneak around behind the girls' back, or do it without them in the way. she said that she felt confused when beloved and i made things official with her at the table - that she wasn't sure WHO she was mad at - Beloved for including her and Julez, or Schlurg for not.

We talked through some things, and she did feel better. However, life always seems so very OKAY while we're in our day-to-day, I think I lose sight of the larger things she still wrestles with. I think that I will take steps to see if I can find her someone to talk to. I am glad that she feels she can talk to me - and I think she is honest with me - but I think it would help her to have a neutral party to talk to and to get advice from. As hard as I try to be a neutral party, it is likely impossible for me to not be me. For example, she was very upset to say out loud that she oftentimes LIKES beloved more than she likes the Schlurg. This is the kind of thing that on some level makes me happy - that our family is working. But it doesn't make her happy.

I think I'll do this. See how it goes.

posted by Zuska @ 8:42 AM

2 Comments:

At Monday, September 25, 2006 3:18:00 PM, She says said…

Wow, your kids are very grown-up. You should be proud.

I was surprised to hear that this was her reason for being upset, but it's great that she knows and can articulate it. And also that she'll talk to you about it.

I had thought she was worried that your getting married equated to the decision to have more kids (otherwise, why get married?) and that they might feel pushed aside or loved a little less because they aren't B's natural kids.

Whatever your plans about more kids, definitely talk to the girls about it early on. I have a half sibling, and it was a terribly difficult adjustment for a number of reasons.
At Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:32:00 PM, Zuska said…

my plans involve taking all steps to avoid conception. including surgery (on me). I have no desire for more children. i am older, my kids are older. the stages i went through in the past are 100% in my PAST.

but that does remind me - it is one of the issues the Emz brought up. I held back from making a "promise" about anything ... but did tell her I had no such plan.