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| Sunday, September 24, 2006 |
| on marriage --- revisited |
I posted before about my feelings on marriage. I guess it was mostly comprised of questions. doubt. Vascillations.
But in the 6 months since, i've pretty much gotten to where i just want to get married. we really do both refer to each other (when talking to others) as "my husband" or "my wife."
and whether he's just acknowledging my feelings, and discerning that i've developed this need (really, more than a want) - beloved has also decided that the time is upon us.
and so, this past weekend, while at a favorite restaurant of ours that we'd gone to together (and alone) 5 or so years ago, he officially asked me to marry him, and i officially said yes.
and then Emz started to cry, and said she likes our family the way that it IS, and she wants [beloved] to stay [beloved] and if we get married, everything will change. she doesn't want anything to change. [makes no sense to me! nothing will change. everything about our family is the same as if we were married. many people wouldn't even guess that beloved isn't their father. he does more for them than most biological fathers do in the day-to-day care of children. she is not offended when he's the one who picks her up from school, when he's the one to read a story at bed time, when he's the one to sign her school papers .... where will the change come from? we put ourselves forward as husband and wife. everything about our lives is the same as it will be. honestly - except for the issues raised in the comments of the post linked to above - taxes, insurance [not even, at my Future Firm, he can be covered as a significant other], and as a pessimist would say, social security]. I don't get it.
she was also upset b/c our trip was timed with her bday, and she felt that we were turning her birthday trip into an engagement trip. I did tell her on that point that we had a family trip. It was timed with her birthday, but we all were on vacation. I told her that Saturday was the day that she was wearing a giant HAPPY BIRTHDAY button so that she got to go to the front of the lines of the rides, and could get special phone calls from Disney characters ... but the trip was not just her trip!
Not Julez. Julez knew it was coming, is happy, and wants to see it happen.
oftentimes, beloved and i look at snapshots of our pasts -- our separate pasts, and wonder -- could we have done it then? could we have met? and had things works so that we had Emz and Julez together? where was i? where was he?
there are really very few places in our pasts that we could have been in better position to meet. he is 11 years older than me, so if we met before HE got married, i would have been, like 13. that's gross.
if we met before i got married, i would have been a born again Christian, and he would have hated me.
so we're stuck with the complications. but things have really gone very very very well. but now we're looking at "tying the knot" and one kid is excited, and one is in tears.
i think Emz is potentially being dramatic. we told her we would table the discussion, the issue, the everything --- until after her birthday. and we have tried. we've each slipped and said little things -- once she pouted and glared, and another time, she forgot she was supposed to be upset, and participated happily in the conversation.
i do not know how much was dramatics, how much was her birthday, and how much was a real issue for her. Once her birthday is gone, i will bring it back up, and try to wade through dramatics v. issues. if she has issues, i will have to check into some sort of counseling for her -- try to figure out if there's something we need to deal with left over from the divorce between the schlurg and i.
which leads me to being offended and feeling like a victim of my gender. why? why does Schlurg get to get married with no pouts, tears or issues --- only celebration, while I - the MOM -- get the strife? It's a good thing if Daddy has someone to take care of him, he NEEDS someone to make his damned sandwiches, but why can't Mommy stay primarily MOMMY??
once we get over THAT 10 year old hurdle, we have the hows, wheres and whens to deal with.
i still don't want another wedding. i want something super-private, and i think just the 2 of us. beloved has mentioned perhaps even on the trip that is planned for next year. It is supposed to be the bar trip, but if he gets this job that is in the making, he will have publication deadlines that he's responsible for at that time of year, and we'll have to go a little later. My mom will definitely be willing to come to town and take the kids to soccer, acting stuff, and cello practice. so we may be going a year from now.
beloved wonders if we can do it ON the trip, or else use the trip as a honeymoon - have a civil service here in boston, and then take off. Not including my mother, sister, father will create a small amount of tension ... but that's life. Actually, to be fair - sis will understand. [Sis! understand! I command you!] Mom will NOT. Not at all. She'll want to throw a party. She'll want to MAKE it be the way she wants it to be. [grrr. argh.]
details don't matter, really. little of it matters. beloved and i will remain beloved and i. what we said to Emz is true ... nothing will change. [i would never again in my entire life change my name.]
but i am happy. i love him, and i want to be with him always. he knew that already -- i knew that already, but i'm happy nonetheless that we're gonna do this. |
posted by Zuska @ 10:20 PM   |
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| 6 Comments: |
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Biggest congrats! I couldn't be happier for you!
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Hip Hip Hooray!!! Hip Hip Hooray!!
Now that is some fun wonderful news.
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Yay. And, good luck with the little ones.
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i dont EVEN think thats fair. why oh WHY would you think i would create aggrivation. im a GOOD sister! not to mention the fact that if i were to get married again, it would be jsut as youre describing what you want.
i think i need to disown you now. for thinking bad things about me.
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Don't know how I missed this post. Congrats!
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Biggest congrats! I couldn't be happier for you!