i was in the locker room this a.m., grabbing a jacket* before heading out to get a cup of tea, where some dudes in my class were talking about how sore they were after some sport-like endeavor they had embarked on the night before, and when one of them asked another to help him send a fax, b/c he does not know how to do it (loser).

And it occurred to me - I do not have any true friends in law school. No one who I hang out with at night and do things with, no one to ask to come and help me figure out a new piece of technology.

I am, for the most part, alone all the time at school.

I know why. It's the answer to the question of "how do you DO it? how can you be in law school and raise two kids?" with the usual, "I can't even keep a PLANT alive!" or some similar exclamation about a dog.

I moved here from the other side of the country, and quickly was immersed in a new life on the home front, with the kids in a new school, and beloved on a new coast, and we were struggling to figure out how we would keep it all together with the increased demands that were put on me by school. Coming here was also the time where Beloved joined this family on a full time basis, and that was something that required a lot of effort - emotionally, time-wise, etc.

I did not make close friends. I barely made friends at ALL. I spent my entire first year as pretty much an island, with ocassional conversations with others. Oftentimes, I spent those conversations trying to make a conscious effort NOT to talk about parent/teacher conferences and bedtimes.

There is not anyone in my class who is in the same boat as me - someone who I can talk with about ALL aspects of my life. The number of parents is pitifully small (I think there are 4: one dad whose kids are slightly older than mine, but he lives in N.H., and commutes to and from school while his wife cares for the home front - very different; and two moms of much younger children who have different concerns).

In my second year, when I was teaching that class, I was much more social than in my first year. I had a little 5-person unit, and got along really well with two people and became very close with one. But when we came back after co-op (one of the critiques of the program), and were no longer teaching - the lives we had put on hold for the sake of that experience wanted us back. My family, and her friends from her last 2.5 years of school. We still keep in touch, but she graduated last year and lives in a far off part of the state, and has an SO in a different state.

This past summer, I made a few friends who I feel I got close with, and I really enjoyed spending time with. It looks like we're all returning to Summer Firm, but I think two out of four will be in a different department, and it will not be easy to maintain our connections.

I have plenty of people who I correspond with through e-mail and telephone calls. Old friends from CA, the aforementioned friends from the summer, and a couple of friends who graduated a year ahead of me.

But no daily connections.

There is another sphere of my life - the kids' school. I (all of us, actually) have definitely seen that we are becoming a part of this community. There are people we get along with, and that I love chatting with during soccer games. Even some moms who I carry on e-mail conversations with re: non-kid stuff.

But it's been a long time since I've had a friend like what I remember - someone who you check in with constantly**, someone who knows what puts you in a bad mood, someone who knows everything that goes on. A friend as opposed to an acquaintance.

I think when I start work, it will be much more likely that I will find women who I truly connect with. As I said, it's already started. But now that school is winding down, and the academic pressures are cut in like..... 1/4th, I guess I'm feeling lonely. I have time to throw my shit in the locker and go get a cup of coffee with someone. I have time to have lunch WITHOUT spilling salad dressing on my school books. But after 2+ years of NOT doing that, there isn't anyone to do it with.

And I don't want to change the way things have gone, either. I've enjoyed a ridiculous amount of success in law school for a women in my situation. ridiculous. This would not be the case if I did not spend the time I did on my own. Not only b/c of the literal time I would have spent with others, but b/c of the shift of priorities and time. In undergrad, I did pretty well for the most part. But there was one semester where I was so intensley socially connected, and so involved with activities and outings and a social network - I did HORRIBLY in school. HORRIBLY. I failed theater. FAILED. (fortunately, Liberty University is really really dumb, and allows you to REPLACE a grade - not average it, but REPLACE it, so I was able to re-take theater, and the F was erased from my transcript.) I got a C in some computer class I took, which was teaching WordPerfect (huh?), Excel, and something else .... I got a 98 on my final exam, but just NEVER DID the paper. Never did it.

That's the kind of student I have been determined NOT to be in law school. I'm sure there could have been some kind of balance .... but no I'm not. I'm not sure. I think I needed the dedication that I've put into this in order to get all out of it that I have.

I just need to deal with the consequences.

* I am a HORRIBLE mother. HORRIBLE. I checked the weather last night, and it said that it was going to be 70 and sunny today. I shared that with the girls. They're wearing clothes appropriate for 70 and sunny. When they were getting ready to leave the house, I told them that if they didn't wnat to bring a jacket, they didn't have to. Guess what? It's 59 and overcast. And my kids have no jackets. And this is NOT the first time I've done this. Fortunately, e. has like 17 sweaters and coats in her locker that she's left there on other days, and j. has on long sleeves, and does run pretty hot. I bet they'll be okay.

**[I can't believe I have a double asterick here] of course, there's Beloved, and we do all these things - but he's in my house, and that's not what I mean. He's my family. I'm talking about non-family friends.

posted by Zuska @ 10:52 AM

1 Comments:

At Thursday, October 19, 2006 3:47:00 PM, Anonymous said…

I don't know if this is at all helpful or reassuring, but nearly all of my friends these days have nothing to do with grad school, and the few friends who are grad students aren't in my program...and I'm a fairly typical grad student who started right after college.