Last week, I was thinking yes, I would apply for a clerkship. But it's been so topsy-turvy. After I wrote my post of last week on this issue, I thought the following:

I have asked my family to make a lot of sacrifices for the sake of my going to law school. Everyone has given and given and given to me. I know that in the end, the decision was best for all of us, but at the same time, we're all putting things on hold for me to finish law school. I'm finishing law school, and it doesn't seem right to add a fourth year on the end of the three that we all agreed to.

But then I spoke with some others, including those who had done clerkships, and I looked at the actual numbers (the salary for a clerkship, plus the bonuses that Summer Firm attaches to their incoming associates who secure federal clerkships, and in some cases, state), and I thought - well, maybe it won't be so bad? Perhaps it is worth it? And if between my g.p.a. and other factors I've earned this (only to be determined through the application process), then perhaps I'd be a fool not to do it.

But now today I realize that I've had a week of thinking this, and I've not taken a single step toward the process. I have not e-mailed professors, I have not even opened my resume, I have given zero time to thinking about what would be an appropriate writing sample.

I believe that I don't have it in me to do this. I am 34 this December. If I were to do a clerkship, I would be doing it when I turn 35, and then I would not be starting work until I was close to 36 years old.

Enough! I want to get started. I don't want to have ANOTHER step. Another delay. Another application process. God, application processes are HELL. Just HELL!! I'm sick of it. I believe that since today, my answer is no, by the time I convince myself the answer should be yes, it will be too late.

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Odd moment of weird memory ... one of those things where I wonder why I hadn't thought of it before? When I was married to the Schlurg, right as we were nearing the end of our relationship, he was on the job market for a law school teaching position, and it looked like nothing was coming up for him. He started talking about clerkships. He was talking about doing clerkships for as long as he could, until he got a teaching job - meaning stringing as many together as possible. He said that the ones where we were living were too competitive, he'd have to apply all over. Thing One was on her way into Kindergarten, and if he had done the clerkships as he was saying, it would have meant she was in a different places for Kindergarten, First and Second grades, (at which point Thing Two would then be in school as well), and we'd just "hope" that he would have us settled in one place after that.

I told him that if that was his plan, he was doing it alone. That we had sacrificed for so long for his education (3 years of law school, then 7,000 years for his Ph.D.), and I was done. That we'd moved three times against my will, that the girls had lived in so many different places, and left their friends and preschools enough, and that we were done.

I think that was the first time I articulated my willingness to end the relationship. He later (not in that moment) found a way to convince me that I was over-reacting, being very emotional and irrational, and a typical woman about the whole thing, and that it was wrong of me to expect him to make career sacrifices, when CLEARLY, his career would do nothing but benefit the family.

he ended up getting a teaching job that year. We were separated before he accepted the position, although I did go with him for a "wine you and dine you" tour of the area on the school's dime.

posted by Zuska @ 2:05 PM

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