My girls are at their father's house. He lives a few states away from me. With some lakes in between, too. I personally like him being far away from me, because the effect he has upon me is hugely negative. and the effect he has on my self image is hugely negative. and my healthy self image is paramount to my mothering skills at the most, and my quality of life in general as a second-to-most.

For the girly-q's, my Thing One and Thing Two, it is not a good thing for him to be far away, and I feel badly for them. This has been a trying summer. Here is some of why. [yes, i am about to embark on a third book of a post in this one day]. Some back story:

When I was married, I lived in California. Then my marriage fell apart, and I moved with my 5 year old (Thing One) and my 3 year old [Thing Two] daughters from one (wonderful) part of California to another (wretched, miserable, depressing) part of California. I moved because the cost of living was infinitely less. I rented a house for $600/mo, as opposed to an apartment for $46 gazillion/month. The house was next door to my sister, who watched my little 'uns while I continued a retail job in the Other City, working nights (I had picked that job up to supplement the income that I got from my home business, which made good, but sporadic money - and the ex was a full-time student for the entire 7 years of our marriage and contributed very little financially - so the retail job was grocery money). I only lived there for 5 months. in that 5 months I re-entered the full-time REAL JOB (paralegal) working world, got my children enrolled in a daycare, and I found myself an apartment back in the other (wonderful) part of California that was one (ONE!) block from that daycare, and two blocks from BART in another direction. It was wonderful. I got on my feet in a small period of time as a single mother working and living in one of the highest cost of living areas in the United States. I was proud. I even had started to (extremely cautiously) date this very respectful and mature man who was 11 years my senior. During this time, the girly-q's spent every other weekend with their father.

Then my ex announced that he was moving to a place in the center of the country, and that he expected me to do the same. He got a job, after all, teaching, at a very good school. He expected me to move as well, with the girls, and for us to find apartments near to each other. He wanted us to live next door to each other so that every night, he could stop by and say goodnight to the girls. You know, in between working late, dinner out, and trips to the bars with his friends.

I did not go. He was very angry. I liked my life. I liked where I lived. I liked my new job. *I* didn't get a job in this place in the center of the country where i didn't want to live. I didn't want to ever leave my Wonderful City. He said I was a bad mother for not following him, and that I was selfish. Then he said he wanted to get back together with me. Then he said I was a bitch. And then he asked when I got so mean, and so bitter. He meant, "why are you not tearing out your guts and presenting them to me as a daily gift anymore?"

So, my children had to traverse the distance of 2/3 of the country every Christmas break and summertime. I used to fly with them, b/c they were very little. Now, however, years have passed, and I moved to the other side of the country (making their distance only 1/3 of the country to cross), and flights are now available which do not stop and force little children to change planes in a big, scary airport. (okay, so my kids never saw airports as big and scary, b/c when I lived in CA, I was 3/3's of the country away from my parents, and my ex's parents, and both the girls took their first airplane ride at the age of 3 months, and probably every 3 months after that, or close to it). So starting this year, they do fly as unaccompanied minors. I bought them a portable DVD player to make this more bearable. They were nervous at first, but the flight is under 2 hours, and the airline let me get on the plane to settle them in, and they give us gate passes, so it's really a very painless adventure.

This is their fourth summer away. And for some reason, it has been the hardest. I do not know why. Thing Two is now 7, and she has always been the adaptable one. The one who can happily fly into anyone's arms, who can feel just as home today on the east coast as she did yesterday on the west coast. Thing One, who is almost 9 ... now *she* has always had issues. She needs time and preparation to transition from one thing to another. She always dreads changes, and keeps herself up at night lamenting over future and past changes (and she was this way before the divorce ... her third birthday was highly tramatic for her -- she cried for MONTHS that she wanted to be two again. MONTHS!!! There were no other changes in her life. Her sister was born before she was 2, and we lived in teh same house until she was 4, I think.)

But this summer, it is Thing 2 who is miserable. I mean, *really* miserable. She's 7, and she's having CHEST PAINS!! she is crying and working herself up. Calling me and leaving these messages on my voice mail that make tears squirt from my eyes about how unhappy she is. She wrote me a letter that said, "please please please let me come home, i don't even care if i have to go to daycare, i just miss you a lot and a lot and a lot, and a lot, and I do not like it here because daddy is always sleeping or being on the computer or going out."

Thing One was very miserable when she first got there. One night, 1.5 weeks after her arrival, my phone rang at 12:30 in the morning. I just happen to be having a lot of insomnia this summer, so I was awake. It was only 11:30 where she is, but still, that's late. They don't have bedtimes when they're in the Middle of the Country. And Thing One does not sleep naturally. Even as a newborn, she slept a total of 8 hours a day. But anyway ... she called me in the middle of the night, and I stayed on the phone with her for two hours while she started off saying she felt "scared" but didn't understand why, b/c the book she was reading (for the second time - Harry Potter the Third) wasn't even at a scary part, and she had no reason to be scared, but she felt scared. I suggested (after some time) that perhaps she was just unsettled. She eventually started to cry .... daddy is like a different person this year. his girlfriend is around a lot more. they're in a new apartment. they are painting the walls all day every day for 5 days straight, and they haven't left the apartment once. they got a new leather couch, and the girls aren't allowed to move while they're sitting on it. daddy yells at her all the time. daddy's girlfriend is controlling everything. no, she can't tell daddy any of this, b/c then he might not like her anymore.

i spent a very long time convincing her that she has to talk to daddy about these things, or they can't get better. she eventually did, and things got better. she is quite content now. she's getting along fantastically with daddy's girlfriend (who babysits them during the day, and is teaching them a fascinating foreign language). she is (according to daddy), very snappish and rude to daddy himself, but otherwise seems rather stable and secure.

It's Thing Two who remains a mess. her daddy describes her as "unpleasant" (b/c in her daddy's world, EVERYONE is there with the sole purpose of pleasing HIM.) she not only is crying all the time, but she's whiney, and intolerant, and a hypochondriac.

My Thing Two is NOT whiney. She is NOT intolerant, and she is NOT a hypochondriac. This is a bad summer. I am not sure why. Probably b/c of his move. I fear that it's partly b/c life at my house has a more stable feel to it -- in no small part b/c my Beloved has moved into the house with us, and they have a 2 "parent" home. They also started off on a very bad foot, b/c not only did their Daddy just move into a new apartment (which clearly *needed* 5 days of wall-painting) and has ratcheted up his relationship with his (pretty long-term) girlfriend, but his parents came to town 3 days after the girly-q's arrived. I think that hurt their settling-in process.

I also think that although Thing Two isn't saying so ... she misses her friends. She had a very socially successful year, and bonded a good bit with a few girls. Her "best friend"'s mom just emailed me to say that her child will not play or get together with anyone this summer, b/c all she wants is to see Thing Two. I think she feels that she's being disloyal. I think that this friendship is pulling Thing Two as well as is her love for her Momma.

So when enough got to be enough, and things weren't getting better, I emailed my ex and told him that I am worried for the girls, and I want them to come home early. I suggested 2 weeks early, but he compromised at 1 week early. I was very surprised. He also agreed that next summer, it will only be 1 month that they are with him, rather than 6 weeks.

i cannot wait to have them home, in just under a week. We will then have 3 weeks together to do nothing (other than getting together with friends) before we all head back to school.

posted by Zuska @ 3:03 PM

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