last night i dreamed two kid-related dreams. one was that my daughters had a friend over (actually thing 2's friend, but they all get along well, and the friend has older siblings who are both friends with thing 1), and they all decided, while i was still asleep in bed, to make mochas. i knew that they were doing this, i heard their conversations - they were going to make hot chocolate and coffee, and mix them together. my dream self had no issue with this until i realized that they'd be mussing with my coffee, and then i sprang out of bed to make sure they didn't mess up my Organic Starbucks coffee, which is very yummy. i found that they had properly read the instructions, and had put in the proper amount of grounds, and the only mistake they made was forgetting to put any water in the pot.

then while telling thing 2 about this funny dream this a.m., i made myself coffee, and did the very thing i was laughing about. so the pot did that thing it does [perhaps i'm the only one who knows this ....] when you put water in when the thing's already started heating - it puffs steam into the dry grounds, and they sort of explode inside the filter a little bit.

the kids didn't have that problem in the dream.

but the second dream was harder. the ex had decided that after their visit in april, he would not be returning them to me. that i have had primary custody for long enough, and he was keeping them. for some time during the dream, i was resigned to this fact, b/c someone was going to kill me, and i knew i would be dead, so it probably was not something i could stop - his pirating of the children.

but then i decided that 1) i would not allow myself to be killed, and 2) the hysteria and misery and lack of air that i was experiencing at the prospect of losing my daughters was more than i could bear, and i told him through hiccups, hyperventilation and absolute pain in my chest that he was NOT keeping the children, that he had no right to whatsoever, and that b/c of our agreement which was filed with the court if he tried to do it, i would call the police and have him arrested.

he said okay, he'd send them home.

upon waking the suffocating reality that is my life hit me again. i'm having a really bad week, school-wise. going away last weekend is my scapegoat, but i'm not sure that's really the issue. i don't often have weekends full of work and studiousness. perhaps it's just that mid-quarter plateau, perhaps it's just the coincidence (and the typical one) of lots of "extras" converging at once. the trial that i've been working on with my judge happened last week, and i have 3 days of trial transcripts to read, and have to go meet with him this afternoon (taking away a FIVE HOUR chunk of study time I usually have); we have an "extra" fed courts class on friday b/c Monday is "Patriots Day" and therefore no school - which means 50 more pages of reading this week; we had a midterm group project for administrative law, which took away my Friday afternoon reading time and my Monday afternoon reading time; the girls have no school on Friday, so after this extra fed courts class, i need to rush home - again, taking away my usual FIVE HOUR chunk of reading time. so i have lost about 20 hours of reading time in one week's time - and it has nothing to do with having gone away for the weekend.

I gave up 2 of my usual gym days this week in order to attempt to catch up. I don't know why I bother - it's not like I'm caught up. I have been loving my gym time, and I have results! Hopefully I can avoid missing any of that time next week - if i can catch up with reading this weekend (HOW???) or on Monday, since there's no classes (and the girls will be in the middle of the country).

if course i realize that as much as i complain about being *so* busy and *so* behind .... i find time to blog. i'm not blogging, i'm processing! i need to process, or else i will go insane.

posted by Zuska @ 10:24 AM

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