beloved read my post on my mom and her view that i intimidate my sister-in-law, and his agreement that yes, i have an "overwhelming personality" and was concerned that i left the wrong impression. sort of the impression that HE finds me intimidating, which i never meant to convey. a bit more explanation:

beloved has MORE than what it takes to confront any attitude or overwhelmingness or strength in me. not squelch, but confront. In the fall, some other law student women and I were talking about relationships, and how hard it is to have a truly 50/50 relationship - where there isn't a dominant and a submissive personality, but a true equality. How there are likely more struggles, and the need for more relationship-maintenance effort. I know that I have that sort of relationship -- beloved and I are truly a 50/50 pair (although I currently believe that we've gone through a lot of the effort and are in a very beautiful stride right now). but as i told this other woman, part of our success may be based in the fact that he's willing to allow me the illusion of 60/40 (tipped in my favor), but if I try even to push for 61% .... he's gonna yank back, and he's gonna assert the 50/50 reality.

If it is true, that I am intimidating, or overwhelming, then it is also true that apples don't fall far from the tree. my daughters have absolutely NO compuncture about standing up to me, arguing with me, calling me on my bullshit, or otherwise letting me know that I'm not raising any dummies. Thing One may be a bit stronger in this area than Thing Two (and sometimes, Thing One is on the verge of too strong, and needs to be reigned in), but they both have it.

I know that sometimes, it's hard for women to deal with being branded a "strong personality." How many places have I read about this? But as a mother, I am pleased that my daughters are learning to negotiate a relationship with someone who MAY be on the stronger side of the personality spectrum. I'm pleased that while 30 year old sister-in-laws may be reduced to tears [i think the chick needs to go to a dr. about her PMS issues, but whatever] with thinking that I don't 'approve' of her, a 9 year old can roll her eyes at me and say, "Mom, sometimes you're really annoying." MY 9 year old.

And my beloved is no different than that 9 year old, or that 7 year old (who may perhaps be more of a foot-stomper than an eye-roller, but she still can come back at me with retorts and arguments). He draws his lines, and he sticks to them - and I respect them, for the reason that I know that he sticks to them. He will be understanding, he will be compassionate, he will be forgiving, but he will not taken advantage of, and he will not be mistreated. and to me, that's security. it's security that i will not become my mother; that i will be kept in check, i will have someone who helps me to be the person i want to be (loving, kind, patient, and above all, respectful), without squelching the same thing - the person i want to be (strong, unmovable, capable, and perhaps even in my own way, powerful) - the person i am.

i am grateful for my beloved, in so many ways. i am grateful that he sticks up for me (sometimes even against my own behavior), and that he sticks up for himself. i am grateful that he does not think that any strength in me equals weakness in him. i am grateful that he does not think that my being a woman puts in me into one category, and his being a man puts him into another. i am grateful that he's given so much to our relationship, and our life together (including the two Things who he is constantly giving and giving and giving to), and i only hope that i'm giving back in equal measure.

posted by Zuska @ 12:26 AM

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