Visiting my parents with the girly-q's and beloved. it's going alright. we went to see Ice Age 2 tonight. beloved and i had a solo trip to IKEA earlier (a trip full of light bulbs, batteries, and other petty miscellaneous objects - also consisting of wandering around the model kitchens, thinking about our future kitchen in our future house which looks farther and farther off in the future as we look at home prices in our area, which are not willing to leave, even if that means we're permanent renters).

as i have posted before, i have some tension with my brother. he is younger, and recently married. we talk very rarely, and mostly keep in touch through my mother. there was some more tension in that whole situation today - which i'm really not willing to rehash. i ended up having to address it with my mother - basically saying, "you can't talk to me about him anymore, i do not think it is fair. i end up with more personal information about him than he would give me on his own, and it's like this artificial and contrived relationship." she said okay, and that she agrees. i also needed to get her agreement that she would no longer make plans for me and mine without talking to me first. i understand that i spent many years as a child that she just herded into the backseat to go along with her wherever it was she was going - but that's not me anymore. I was able to get her agreement on that. it was a good conversation, approached as "problem solving" and not me bitching at my mother. which was also good.

and i really felt afterward like a huge burden had been lifted, and that we had a much nicer time once that was all dealt with and put in the cabinet somewhere.

a funny thing she said - part of the reason why there's tension b/t my brother and i is b/c i have an "overwhelming personality" and i exude confidence, which makes his new (insecure) wife feel as if i do not "approve" of her. which i find absolutely ridiculous, b/c i have been NOTHING but kind and accepting of her - often to get the door slammed in my face. my mom said i have an "attitude" and an "edge." I said that it wasn't fair - that my brother has an ATTITUDE in comparison to my attitude, and that if this person married him, how can she be so bothered by me? apparently, no - my brother's ATTITUDE, according to mom, is merely a cover for his insecurity, and that he does not have confidence or self-awareness, and covers it up with a blustering and obnoxious manner, whereas my "attitude" is more accidental and just a part of who i am.

i checked in with beloved on this. i felt that perhaps my mom was being unfair (although she was not being accusatory, and said it in kindness and approval of my "edge" and "attitude"). he said no - mom was not off base. that i have an overwhelming personality and an intimidating aspect to my personality. i intimidate people.

i don't mean to.

posted by Zuska @ 10:55 PM

1 Comments:

At Sunday, April 09, 2006 3:18:00 PM, Filch said…

I have a somewhat similar relationship with my youngest brother and his wife - she, for some reason not really clear to anyone else in the family, absolutely cannot stand me. (She doesn't much like anyone else in my brother's family, either.) I try to give her all the space she needs (1200 miles seems to be about right.) But my brother and I, while we're not close, have found some common ground, based on a few elementary principles like "call him on his cell phone" (not at home).

Interesting thing is, my brother's a lawyer, so when I decided to go to law school, suddenly we had something in common - something not already freighted with family history, and, most significantly, a subject on which he, not I, was expert. I've talked to him more over the past couple of months than I have over the past couple of years before that. It's been nice.